Bipolar Check-In #49

I alternate arms the best I can remember and my favorite person often could guess what arm it was that day. I don't know how she remembered but she did. I miss her. The place I go now is ok and will be better after the pandemic but I miss Cassandra.

I want to thank my dear friends for helping me today. So special.

How to write a scathing letter to HR today. I won’t sit here and gripe to you about everything but I woke up at 2 AM with a text asking you to immediately reply to why I have apparently proceeded in “job abandonment”. I’m well aware that this may be an automated message and after speaking to people all day today it kind of slipped through the cracks, but I know it is effing enough. I had to start a medical leave affective as of the day before yesterday, how is it that I am abandoning my job? If I’m supposed to work through a medical leave, I do feel that information is not intuitive and should’ve been told me. I sent an email directly to HR and I sent through the app the same message that is very long, and very detailed with dates times phone calls people I talked to, issues that happened, my intent to communicate and be shut down, the aggravation, frustration, lack of decency and non-support of the facility and amazon. etc. I’m done with them. I appreciate the confidentiality as to how they have things set up. HR in the building cant help you with anything about leaves or accommodations or anything like that. They do not have access to dear to your record nor can I know anything about you other than an accommodation that has been provided through central processing. However that means everyone of that building is useless treat you like **** because they feel like you’re just not doing what you’re supposed to and can’t see it any other way unless you divulge information they don’t need to know.

That’s only one facet of the issue, but I listed everything and I demanded to get a phone call to speak about this with someone rather than to get a “resolution “ that isn’t even sent to me. If that whole damn workplace hast to know that I mentally ill and how they have deteriorated my health and how they have exacerbated every symptom I have for the worst I’ll tell them. They shouldn’t have to know that I was homeless living in my car and my stomach has not realized it’s after eating so I have digestive issues. They shouldn’t have to know that I suffered clinical depression anxiety and have bipolar and PTSD. I shouldn’t have to fight to be treated with damn respect. their system is crap. The scope of what anyone could do is limited. HR and building can do no more than the HR app can do for you. Talking to a person is almost impossible. You go through sub menu after submitting you have automated messaging and you can’t get through. Like today I called the facility and ended up talking to people overseas because no one would answer because “HR and house doesn’t really have a phone they can answer. Like what the hell?

The scope of what anyone could do is limited. HR in building can do no more than the HR app can do for you. Talking to a person is almost impossible. You go through submenu after submitting you of automated messaging and you can’t get through. Like today I called the facility and ended up talking to people overseas because no one would answer because “HR and house doesn’t really have a phone they can answer. Like what the hell. After spending 30 minutes finding a number for the disability services I was on hold forever 35 minutes and even then the guy could not really help me. Let’s not even mention I was discouraged to even stay on the line. The automated message kept telling me that I could use the app to do this over and over and over. I explained we have tried at work twice and I’ve tried multiple times at home to submit one for a leave of absence and some work accommodations that could not go through and there’s no other way to do it. He didn’t send me paperwork or anything. He opened a case which means that I am requesting a leave and in 2 to 3 days a case manager will talk to me about what kind of paperwork I need. I asked specifically if the leave was in place and he said yes and it shouldn’t be a problem as far as losing my job at this moment. I’m just glad I have monitored calls to prove what I’ve been told.

I am being transparent with my issues. I’m not hiding behind them or trying to deal with them on my own anymore. They can ****ing do their job instead of blaming me for not doing mine. I’m doing the communicating, step up Amazon.

Hugs, Marcus. This no-humans-available thing is redonculous. Stay with it. What about that guy that was over your mgr?

Great question. Kyle (unknown last name) was very comforting when we spoke. I hope I get a chance to talk with him again but I don’t know if that’ll happen or not. This mess just gets worse and worse as time passes as my mental health declines more and more. When I’m asking for help, decency and understanding.... I think I’m within my right to say the following. You’re not doing anything in ways of helping me Amazon, and I do blame you for my mental decline. It’d be different if I bottled it up suffered alone, which in the beginning I did but since I’ve reached out. You’ve read how I’ve been doing that. At this point I’m not blaming myself for being ill. I’m blaming them for not being considerate of me as a person.

Brain health first, work, after.

the wasps are gone.

yesterday it rained, and of course: wasps hate the rain (wasps are also quite stupid)

so they flew out of the window soaking their wings

ah well: at least they are gone, and I think that's the last I'll see of any for a while (we're meant to be getting early fall storms!)

nothing today, though I probably don't need to say that. this is my life we're talking about.

No sleep last nt. Bit hypo again. Up, down, up, down. Lithium and Depakote. Crazy.

I wish I didn't let trivial things get to me so much

today, on another site, I made a comment about sleep and the fact it is ghard for me

first response I get: " well, you don't belong here."

I'm not going to argue with this user, just go on with what I'm doing.

but yeah.. I feel a bit ugg

Mean, insensitive, rude people suck. Forget about them.
I have to deal w someone who has ben quite rude to me. I just ignore them. Forget them. We all love you.

thanks.

I guess what made it worse is that person was apparently their for the same reason as me.

just acted more important.. it's okay, I don't think anything will come of it- at least at my end I'm not going to do anything

I’m so uncomfortable today. I had a dream about self harm (I had one a few days ago too) and now I really want to do it. Like I can feel it almost on my skin. These dreams always make me feel like this. I’m not sure what my problem is. Often these dreams denote that something is wrong or stressful in my actual life. I’m not sure what that would be, other than remembering the abuse my husband put me through.

I did wake up better this morning. I actually took 12.5mg of seroquel at 8:30pm and went to sleep by ten. So I had enough time to sleep. My alarm went off at 8:30 but I slept an extra half hour. However that’s way better than an extra hour or hour and a half. And I’m not tired right now. Yesterday I was so tired I slept all day.

I’m not hungry either. I did eat a bagel before I went to sleep so maybe that’s still in there. I dont care though.

I found a place to take my son for therapy but they are not in network with any insurance. They do submit claims if your insurance has out of network benefits, which mine does. It’s 75/25, so I have to pay 25% but that better than paying outright.

I just have to find something to do today. Thinking of reading some books.

So behind here since I've been preoccupied with a lot of stuff at home. Sending hugs to everyone that needs them. MarcusAurelius, I hope your job matters are resolved soon or at least you can finally take the time to heal rather than be worried or frustrated.

Yesterday, my husband and I met with the first real estate agent to consider for listing our house in the near future. I'll likely call a second so we can compare. Yesterday's actually visited our house in the evening. All wearing masks. She's definitely the uber saleswoman type, which my husband disliked more than I did. The good news is that she said we might need only fix some windows rather than totally replace them. That would save lots of money. However, she suggested we totally replace the floor covering in our entire house, save our kitchen and laundry room. We had hoped not to have to do that, thinking buyers would want to choose their own. And the type of flooring she suggested is not our taste, but I told my husband that we wouldn't be the buyers for our house. She also said to have all of our cabinets painted white, even though they are oak wood. I'll agree with my husband that that sounds sad to do, but again, we don't know what's "in". Of course our whole house's interior needs to be painted, with a few cracks and dents repaired. A given. Anyway, lots of work! We'll see what another agent says. We've never been house sellers, only buyers, and only our current home.

My mood is surprisingly level. My husband is far more stressed. Not by the prospect of a move, but his hatred of his job. I keep telling him that he can be "released" from it by/before the end of the year, no matter what his employer does.

Hugs, wfc.

I took 10 milligrams of melatonin last night just so I could sleep. The 10 milligrams seems to be doing a number on me more then the 30. I fell into a deep 9.5 hour sleep and then I had a glass of coffee and then I actually went back to bed this morning for about an hour and 15 minutes. I haven’t gone back to bed to actually sleep in weeks. Now I’m drinking an iced latte from Dunkin Donuts and despite the caffeine and full night of sleep and nap, I’m still tired and out of it. I haven’t had much to eat in a few days. I have heard somewhere that addicts are skinny or are on the skinny side but I don’t know why. I had jelly beans and coffee for breakfast though. So yeah I can kinda see them saying that. My mom doesn’t get why I’m so out of it today. Or have been out of it in general. I also almost accidentally forwarded my Hot Topic store pickup notice email to my therapist. Because I was so tired. That would have been a mess trying to explain why I sent it to her.

But I’ll admit it. Maybe I’m not ready to admit it to anyone in real life right now. But I‘ll admit it on PC. I have an issue with prescription and over the counter drugs. My therapist notices when I take Xanax though because I get really spacy. I took one a few sessions ago and she asked if I was tired and I said “yeah do I seem tired?” And she said “you seem sleepy.“ Then asked if I had taken a Xanax. I didn’t know until then that I get so out of it when I take one.

Ugh--house selling memories.

Onward ho!!

This is big, MD. Insight is key in dealing with these things. Do you think you maybe might need a little help? I did.

Hugs.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed ...But I’ll admit it. Maybe I’m not ready to admit it to anyone in real life right now. But I‘ll admit it on PC. I have an issue with prescription and over the counter drugs....

Good for you, Md!

I feel honored that you've chosen your friends on this forum to disclose your issue to. From what you've posted here, I entirely agree with you...you definitely have a problem with prescription and otc drugs.

Now that you've so bravely acknowledged your issue, what do you feel like your next step will be?

Yes I do need help. I just need to get up the energy to ask for it.

I need to really speak with my therapist when she gets back from vacation. I’ve been writing out an email and adding to it daily. I’ve been hesitant about sending another one after she replied to that one. I know she said she wouldn’t check her email again though. So I’ve just been writing one long one detailing what went on while she was gone that I’ll send the night before my session

Scorching heat and wildfires all over California. I awoke to the smell of smoke and a smoky, ashy sky. It's heartbreaking, all the beautiful land destroyed and animals burned or killed. This will most likely go on through October.

I had a pdoc appt. today, but changed it to Friday. I have so many chores to do and just wasn't up to setting up a telehealth video/audio arrangement.

One of the chores I've been neglecting is sorting through all my meds. My cupboard looks like 2 shelves in a pharmacy. Bottles of old meds that need to be tossed. A problem is that the pharmacy is the only place in town that takes back/disposes of old meds, but they're closed to everything except curbside pick-up. So what to do with all of it? I have no idea.

Let us know what we can do to support you in your recovery.

Life w west coast fires is hard, indeed. There was a fire in Southern Oregon called the Biscuit fire yrs ago. At its peak, it was larger than Rhode Island. Unless you have been out here and seen what hundreds and hundreds of miles of massive trees as far as the horizon looks like, you really cannot appreciate how huge it is. And scary.

Had a few days were I was feeling somewhat low, just laying in bed and sleeping all day. Putting off household chores and things I needed to do. Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better today. I went grocery shopping and got stuff to make a vegetable shrimp pasta salad. Never had it before, hope it turns out good

My sister is going to get me some more hand soap and hand sanitizer. Thankful for that. It's easier for her to get around to stores since she drives. I do my grocery shopping and whatnot via the bus.

I got the laundry done today too! Have a lot of catching up to do in terms of cleaning due to that week of slacking.

I'm feeling good, motivated, positive.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist Life w west coast fires is hard, indeed. There was a fire in Southern Oregon called the Biscuit fire yrs ago. At its peak, it was larger than Rhode Island. Unless you have been out here and seen what hundreds and hundreds of miles of massive trees as far as the horizon looks like, you really cannot appreciate how huge it is. And scary.

So true. During the massive firestorms in 2018 we could see flames licking up into the sky from our town. In a full 6 months, we had only 3 weeks that year during which the smoke cleared out and we could see the sun. Actually- there were 2 members on PC who moved out of Calif after that spring/summer/autumn of fires.