Bipolar Check-In #49

Yesterday I saw a prospective new pdoc. He seemed perfect until he told me he can’t visit me if I go inpatient in a private hospital (which is where I always go) as he is too busy in the public system. I am so annoyed as my previous Pdoc recommended this guy and knows I need to be seen by the same pdoc while IP. When I’m very ill I get paranoid so seeing a new pdoc at that point could be disastrous. Even the pdoc interviewing me yesterday agreed it would not work.

Sigh. So, I wasted my time and energy (and my parents who took me as I’m too ill to drive right now), and have to go to my GP get a new referral and try to get an appointment with a new pdoc that also came recommended. I have confirmed she works at the hospital I usually go to. I just hope I can see her soon. Right now I’m ok mentally, but I would hate to have a crisis without a pdoc. At least I got some scripts to get me through two to three months.

Physically, I’ve never felt worse. I think I have some benzo withdrawals on top of the Chronic Fatigue Syndrome flare-up. Total exhaustion, weakness, and dizziness with stomach issues as well. Thankfully, I am not anxious. There is nothing I can do but rest and eat good food and avoid the bad. I’m trying to stay positive and hopeful. It is tough.

Exhausted all the time. Taking 2 klonopin at this point instead of 1, and very early, just so that the day ends as early as possible. I'm depressed.

As I wrote previously on this board, my mother, who has severe MS, fell and fractured her ankle in two places. She used to get around on an electric wheelchair, but she is currently bed-bound.

I took care of her for 8 days (she now has 24/7 homecare) I got very very little sleep, she woke me up a lot for various reasons.

My brother refuses to help and I'm very angry and sad about that. I emailed him yesterday about it.

I've been back home for a week now, back to work, etc. But, as I say, I'm exhausted all the time and just want to sleep and black out everything...life. I'm not Sui.

Not sleeping used to be a big trigger for hypo/mania for me. This time I'm just very depressed. But it may be considered 'situational.' Or maybe it started that way, and now I just can't claw myself out of it. It's like a black hole and I just can't get out. Though the black hole beckons me to sleep and sleep and sleep.

My therapist has been helpful. But I'm not doing my usual self-care: exercise and eating well. Just too tired and feel like eating junk. I know I'm not helping myself...

I've been struggling to meditate. Tonight i did it! I also read a chapter on doing everyday tasks mindfully. I got inspired to wash a casserole dish that has been mocking me in the fridge. I so enjoyed that, that i was inspired to clean the bathroom which has been heckling me for ages! I was able to be good and mindful during the easy tasks but when i was bent over scrubbing the tub and huffing-and-puffing and sweating and my heart hammering along it was not possible.

But it is done!!! All this from a stab at mindfulness meditation!

@Wander: Sorry to hear the psychiatrist you saw is not suitable. I know you had a lot riding on the appointment. At least he saw your point about needing out-patient and in-patient care to be consistent. Glad you're set for meds for a while. Sounds like the next psychiatrist has more potential being that she works at the hospital you use. Maybe you'll really hit it off!

@Miguel'smom: Grats on receiving the za with ease! Good for you!

I've been struggling to meditate. Tonight i did it! I also read a chapter on doing everyday tasks mindfully. I got inspired to wash a casserole dish that has been mocking me in the fridge. I so enjoyed that, that i was inspired to clean the bathroom which has been heckling me for ages! I was able to be good and mindful during the easy tasks but when i was bent over scrubbing the tub and huffing-and-puffing and sweating and my heart hammering along it was not possible.

But it is done!!! All this from a stab at mindfulness meditation!

Well I am getting lots of sleep , Drugged sleep so its not the good healthy kind. I just cant stay upright for very long.

My Muscle issue is still going on ... Could easily be EPS starting I might stop Seroquel tomorrow but regardless I am calling my Pdocs nurse Monday.. My rage has really not decreased, when I'm awake like now I still want to smash things. The tactile hallucinations are still going strong..

Hope everyone is having a good weekend

What is eps?

My care coordinator contacted me. She was really worried about me. Just bizarre she did it on the weekend. She texted me. So sweet of her. I really like her.

I guess I feel like some people have it easier than others. I used to think hardship can build character. But that doesn't fit with me anymore. I don't think I'll ever know.

The good news is I get to talk to my good friend tonight. Her work phone was broke so we didn't talk last week at all. I miss her. We talk when shes working. She works overnight at a gas station. She has a tough life too so we get along well. So will be talking to her tonight...

I am so sorry you are hurting so, Breeze. I do feel overwhelmed at times. I do. I find if I focus on what I don't have, I feel worse than if I focus on what I do have. I should be dead, long ago. God saved me. No idea why.

But I try to support and love other people the best I can. I am grateful for what I have. I lost a multimillion dollar business, wife, child, virtually all family and all friends. Spent 5 yrs in an extremely dangerous state hospital for bogus reasons. Incurred millions in debt. I could choose to focus on not speaking to my son for 9 yrs. Or I can make the best of extraordinary loss. I choose the latter

I recommend you immediately buy and read Man's Search For Meaning by Viktor Frankl. He does a better job arguing this. Takes 3 hrs to read

Do not give up. Hang on. There is hope. God treasures you. I have no idea why He makes it so hard on us. But I will ask Him the next time I see Him.

Hugs and love.

Very Bad side effects from some medications

EPS.......... extrapyramidal symptoms and also TD Tardive Dyskinesia

Can include restlessness, tremors and muscle stiffness to name a few and sometimes it can continue even once the medication is stopped.. !

I only started the Seroquel last Wednesday ... so this starting a few days later is certainly suspect.

The joys of Bipolar

feeling a bit angry.

today I got a letter, and the person miss printed my last name

when I say miss printed it, I mean really mis printed. got it spectacularly wrong, and not just that, either

the last name they used just happened to be the last name of one of my previous abusers

can't say I'm too happy about that, either- and this place really needs correcting (I'll ring when I'm less angry about it)

and less in pain. getting ready for today was beyond painful

So sorry, vortex, awful!!

Hugs!!

Oh yeah I just didn't know what you meant.....I got one where I kind of twist my lip when I'm really tired. Its permanent and from latuda...

I’m so sorry that’s permanent

I'm posting again, but not much has changed.

Well, instead of being naturally tired all of the time, like I was before, I'm taking klonopin like candy so I can just sleep all the time. I don't want to be awake, don't want to live, and yet I'm not sui. I just want to sleep.

I don't know what time I fell asleep last night. It was very early. Nonetheless, I was hoping to sleep late and have been very disappointed to find that I was awake at 8am. That's way too much time until it's night again. Back to klonopin I will go.

The Golden Girls is on all day on Sundays on TV Land. I love that show. I'll be watching.

The only self care I can manage right now is face timing with my best friend (I can't see her, she's across the country). I've missed her the last couple of days because I've been sleeping so much. But it's 3 hours earlier there, so can't call now and klonopin is beckoning me (again, to sleep for a long time, I'm NOT sui).

Maybe I'll take a nap and then get in touch with her.

This can't go on much longer because I have to go back to work tomorrow. But I think I'll go to bed as soon as I finish and I'll have that to look forward to...

I’m feeling pretty sick today physically. I don’t think it’s Covid I don’t have a fever or a real huge cough. And unless my mom gave it to me from the hair salon I don’t know where I would have gotten it from since I hardly leave my house and I have my mask and social distance etc. plus she and my brother feel fine. I think it’s the whole uti thing. I kinda am worried I have Scleroderma. It just seems to fit with everything I have going on. I know that’s a strangely specific diagnosis but a contestant from my favorite TV show just died from complications of it and like what if I got involved in that show because it was meant to warn me. I’ve had stuff like that, visions, happen to me my whole life. But basically today I just feel crappy and I’m lying in bed. But the package came at least. It came with the regular mail. But it freaked me out since it said it was delivered at a specific time and left on the porch but it wasn’t there. It made me think porch pirates took it or something.