Bipolar Check-In #49

My son is out of control tonight. I'm going to have to call his pdoc. God I don't know why life is so unfair. I'm having serious si. Hes on 16 mgs of perphenazine, 6 mgs of invega, and 10 mgs of zyprexa every 4 days or so. His pdoc wants him on the injection but my son wont go on it. I'm so worn out. I also have immobilizing back pain. I had surgery on my back 12 yrs ago but weight gain and not being mobile have caused it to just get w)worse. I don't understand why I'm alive. I guess God just wants to torture me. I have horrible 4-5 hour long panic attacks. I have this BP which is hell. My son is very ill.

We cant watch certain shows and tonight he said that if we do hell get drugged worse. He takes 5 minutes to wash his hands and another 5 minutes to dry them. He does this like 50 times a day. I'm not exaggerating. We're going through soap like crazy. And we're broke. He wants a new toothbrush, toothpaste and mouthwash bc he says the ones he has got contaminated and if he doesn't get new ones he'll be drugged more. We are going through dish towels like crazy bc he says it gets contaminated. So we're going through laundry soap like crazy. It's the voices telling him these things I think. He said he cant tell me everything bc his life will be in danger. Tonight I used a fork for macaroni salad and I washed it. He says bc i touched my cooked chicken with it the fork is contaminated. After he washes his hands he takes like 20 minutes for him to do anything bc he says they have to be sand paper dry. When he puts his shoes on he has to wash his hands and go through the ritual. When he does anything he has to wash his hands.

Tonight he was throwing fits and yelling bc i said no, we're not throwing the fork away. I was worried the police would be called. He is very ill. His pdoc told me his schizoaffective is one of the worse case hes seen. Him yelling at me just triggers my PTSD. I really need to be dealing with all the traumas I've been through in therapy. Instead I'm trying to find ways to cope with miserable panic attacks. Just why am I here?

I am so sorry, hon. Pls call tat pdoc asap.

in pain (physical)

plus: didn't sleep, surprise ****ing surprise

showered, but that took down my mood about another 100 percent (yuck I look so ugly I swear!)

Coolbreeze See if he's willing to do desovable medication both injection and desolvable medication is disgusted differently.

I don’t know why but I seem to be getting slightly nauseous after I eat. I first noticed it with chips. I ate some chips three days in a row (not bingeing, just some). I felt bad every time. So I thought it was maybe the high fat content. I bought baked chips instead and all was well. Then this morning I drank a small caramel iced coffee from McDonald’s and ate a bowl of pumpkin spice Cheerios. Now I’m not feeling good again. Maybe this tome it was too much sugar? I dunno. Maybe it’s just anxiety. I don’t feel bad enough that I will throw up, just a general queasy stomach. I guess I’ll cut out excess sugar too and see if that helps. It’s better for me anyway.

I’m just not in a good mood today. I feel a little depressed, not sure why. No self harm dreams thAt I remember. I’m a little less anxious about the one subject. I figure I dint really have to worry about it for at least 2-3 more years. I need to just put it out of my mind til then.

I can’t wait to go on a date with RS tomorrow. We haven’t been out on our own all summer. We will be coming up on our two year anniversary in just three months! Unfortunately due to the dreaded virus we may not be able to do anything fun, as outdoor dining will be closed for the season. Oh well. Never know what may happen in three months!

Age again? Any pain at all? Do you still have your gallbladder?

I can feel the mania leaving and the depression arriving. I didn't even get a break. I think it's part of the tapering. I usually get a break in-between. I hate this.

Last night, I dreamed that the kids were 3, 5, and 7 again. N3 got into a truck and was taken far away. The rest of us went to use the bathroom at a barn-like building where the plumbing was white with lots of rust. Eventually, N3 came back. He had been far away. I was so worried that I'd never see him again! I told this dream to N3 today and he said it sounds like I'm dreaming about my current fears!

I caught a glimps of myself after I dried off after my shower today. Ugh. So much work to do! I can't believe that I was 40 pounds heavier than this!

I’m super bored today. But I’m doing ok and I’m staying out of bed and not having any unhealthy thoughts or looking at any news or anything. The funny thing is I actually got out of the house today. I went to the grocery store and then I got chipotles. But I’m way more bored then I was Tuesday Wednesday and Thursday when I didn’t go anywhere at all. My stomach hurts pretty badly right now and I haven’t eaten much besides the chipotles. I’ve had about 960 calories today. I’m going to try to eat some grilled chicken nuggets. It’s much later then I normally eat dinner and it’s weird how not hungry I am. This is unusual even for me. But overall I’m doing ok. I am kinda moody but my anxiety is low and I haven’t had any Xanax or visteral yet today.

Hugs, LaLa!!