Bipolar Check-In #49

My post just got eaten. I pressed the wrong button and half of it disappeared and there is no "paste" button in my browser. I thought maybe I'd hit "copy" or "cut".

So today I cleaned out my closet- partly anyway. Threw stuff away, sorted clothes I want to keep and to give away. Cleaned out bags that were full of stuff. Looked at my literal laundry basket of audio tapes and went because the only player I have eats tapes. They go in but when they come out, the tape is all unwound and outside the actual cassette!

N2 is coming over soon to get some things from here that are hers. A deep fryer, a little grill, and a bunch of food that I don't want but that she will eat so she gets first dibs! I even found a complete set of nice dishes up in the high cupboard in the kitchen that I didn't even know existed! I cleaned out the freezer- took 3 kitchen garbage bags out to the dumpster. Some of that, N3 will want, but we will see. He's not too keen on getting the rest of his stuff. Its nice stuff- he just won't take it home! I told him he has a week to get rid of it then I'M getting rid of it!

Today, I got another email from the new apartment complex. It was the same one they'd sent last night, with links to the tenant portal and to the portal where you sign up to be a prospective tenant. Right now, I am waiting for my reservation (confirmation?) and move-in summary to be emailed to me. I called today because I couldn't log into the portals and they said its because I'm not yet a tenant. But I can't shake this feeling that they're all lying to me! That they are done being nice after they got my money and now they want to sabotage me and lead me on for weeks! I mean, I know I JUST applied and was accepted YESTERDAY, but I still feel that I'm being jerked around. Especially since yesterday, this lady talked to me in this sarcastic tone! Today, their tone(s) were alright, though. I have a pdf to fill out and get my current landlord's office to sign and fill in and then fax it to the housing commission. All before 5. If I don't, I won't get my 30 days in in time to move to the new place by Oct 1. So I'm just a little bit stressed!

Today was a LITTLE productive, but there's still TONS to do and I'm afraid it's going to be this way for the whole next month! Am I being paranoid? I find myself ruminating and I can't stop! Then the paranoia jumps in and I'm off to the races...

When this happens you can hit ctrl+Z or right click and select Undo and your text will re-appear. It's handy on PC where posts disappear fairly routinely (or at least mine do).

Hey thanks! That's really handy.

What is behind this feeling, Moose? The sarcasm?

Yes I think so and that Im still waiting for the lease to arrive so I can sign it.

I feel like Ive ruined everything with my crazy anxiety and paranoia.

After eating poorly all yesterday i was up with a stomach ache til 5:00am. I only slept for three hours. What an ordeal! I decided to pursue Overeaters Anonymous. I went in a ZOOM meeting and it was very welcoming. I have a lead on a temporary sponsor. I was inspired to have a healthy dinner. So my eating issue is looking up.

Taking my dog out is going smoothly. I was nervous last night but there were no problems. This morning was nice weather and i didn't mind.

And tomorrow is September 1st!

@Soupe du jour: Hope things go well at the DMV. You're wise to go armed with all the documents.

@Moose72: Hope your dealings with the new rental smooth out. Sounds like you are getting a lot done. A fresh start for you coming up!

@bpcyclist: Glad you had fun with your friend and got out to enjoy the beautiful city.

@whatever2013 I'm afraid that I've ruined my chances for this apartment. I feel like I'm being given the run around. I also feel bad about myself for maybe having paranoia. I'll probably have bad dreams again. A couple nights ago I dreamed I was 5 months pregnant and miscartied. Last night I dreamed that my kids were 4, 6 and 8 again and were in this dirty house that was falling apart.

Feeling like people are lying to me about SZA/BP want me on medication to gain weight but I don't know why? I want to change my eating habits but that'll make my whole house uneasy. I wish I lived alone some times. I don't know how to say how i feel without it sounding bad. I'm stable i guess just a little paranoid and food issues.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 @whatever2013 I'm afraid that I've ruined my chances for this apartment. I feel like I'm being given the run around. I also feel bad about myself for maybe having paranoia. I'll probably have bad dreams again. A couple nights ago I dreamed I was 5 months pregnant and miscartied. Last night I dreamed that my kids were 4, 6 and 8 again and were in this dirty house that was falling apart.

I'm so sorry about the bad dreams, Moose. Hopefully your mind works through whatever it's trying to process in the dreams.

Ahhhhh such a long time to be there, But sounds like fantastic news

Busy Busy day and its never fun to have to fill out forms or applications etc but hopefully this will finish this big move.

How about making a list of things that you need done and each day completed you Scratch it off. I'ts a mental game. your list of room to clean or drawers to clean. I tend to donate un needed things to a woman shelter, They need clothes and household things. " usually " someone will come to pick that stuff up as the womens shelter is not some place you can just go too..

Keep plugging a part a day .... a closet or a drawer cloths etc

You haven't ruined anything.. can you do fact checks ??

I just feel like theyre against me. Our to ruin my life by dragging this out so i cant move.

Moose, hon, I think you should call the pdoc first thing. You do sound a wee bit conspiratorial and paranoid and I am not seeing a truly legit reason for it. Please call. Maybe up the Serokill for 3-4 days and see, or whatever she says. You need some help.

You will get thru this. I do think you are not seeing things 100 percent accurately.

Hugs and love!!

Proud of you, whatever. Hugs.

See my post on Cool Insomnia.

it's not bheen good!.

yesterday, (after my small and unfilling meal), my overeating went through the roof.

didn't sleep because of the agony in my body, today I had a panic attack (making 6 this week), and I am honestly beyond depressed.

I am meant to be watching a programme about emergency services in the UK. honestly I don't really want to, but, it's that or focus on how emotionally broken/ ugly/ bad I feel.

and I choose the show.

plus: yesterday I did so little (sit on a chair and cry for most of it), watching a show is quite a big step I guess

Sure wish we could get you some help, vortex.

I’m doing better which is why decreasing my Wellbutrin from 300 mg to 150 mg makes absolutely no sense. I crash around DST and I need to go into it strong. Thank you for asking.

whatever and raging vortex, I hear you on the overeating. I was doing great, but have struggled a little with my eating these past few days, as well. Support is so important. Good for you, whatever, for joining the Overeaters Anonymous. raging vortex, I've been very sad and concerned that you've been struggling with so much pain, lately. Wishing you both well.

Jennifer, it's always so nice when we're well enough to have a medication reduction, but I understand your concern. I hope you remain feeling better no matter what your medication change is.

Today I wanted to go to the grocery store and then next door to a Tuesday Morning shop (like a Marshall's or TJ Max), but found that the Tuesday Morning closed permanently because of covid-19 issues. Now in order to go to a Marshall's, I'll have to drive all the way across the other part of the area. Boo!

We hired a handyman to paint all of our cabinets, but don't know if he'll come to retrieve the cabinet doors this week. Everything always seems to be a mystery and require follow-up and more follow-up. My past jobs required that I be very detail-oriented and keep people completely in the loop (or at least that is how I am/was). It's hard when others don't offer the same, but it's more common than not.

Beyond my trips to the store(s), I only have my therapy today. I do have to resend a fax that didn't go through well yesterday. I am so busy that having to do the same danged things more than once is not helpful.

Well now my son is saying he doesn't want to increase his meds. I'm beyond frustrated with him. He is not well. And he bought weed! He had his first psychotic break from smoking weed. It just makes him paranoid, I don't know why he likes it. I think he wants to be like his peers. Lots of kids his age smoke it. And it's legal here, so...He has access to my money. That's how he buys stuff. And we're broke so its just really frustrating. I don't know what to do. My family is like, take him to the hospital, but I cant make him go, and he feels like nothing's wrong. Its exhausting.

Yesterday I almost had a panic attack. I took my meds and it went away. I'm hoping that continues. I was talking to my friend and it just came over me. I was so scared! I despise panic attacks. I found some old trileptal, I think I'm gonna try it and see if helps with anxiety too. I know I should get my pdoc's permission but he only works on Fridays and it's hard to get in to have an appointment with him.

Anyway, I hope everyone is doing at least ok. Hugs to those struggling. Xx

Coolbreeze can you do a wellness check on him?

What is that?