Bipolar Check-In #49

I don't think I can call pdoc. My mom just arrived and we are supposed to be clearing out my bedroom closet. I don't want to make such a call with my mom here.

Soon as u can manage. Hopefully.

You know, living in a huge weed-growing state, I just have to say it--I hate weed. It causes so freaking much psychotic stuff. May actually unmask schizophrenia.. Probably autism. Hate it.

Yeah, I'm not a fan either. I don't hate it, but I don't think it's good for ppl with psychotic tendencies. I have a friend that lives in Beaverton, and thinks it's the best thing. She struggles with anxiety and I think its the weed. She doesn't think that, but I think it is...

Hey guys, hope everyone’s doing well.

I am currently quitting coffee for multiple reasons, I mean I’ll still have it once in awhile but just on special occasions. I was drinking 8 plus cups daily for years and stopped cold turkey 4 days ago. Had super bad headaches, nausea, and moodiness. Today I’m feeling a little better. It’s amazing how addictive it is.

Anyway, as far as mental health goes I’ve been dealing with a lot of panic attacks and paranoia. I’m trying to cope with that. When I next talk to my therapist I’ll bring it up.

I’m happy because the weather is finally starting to cool off a bit. I’m ready for fall and Halloween! 🎃

My sleeping schedule is frustrating me. I sleep like 10 hours or more a night. I hear my alarm go off in the morning but I get out of bed turn it off then get straight back under the covers and fall back asleep. I’m wanting to start getting up earlier. I know the simple answer is to not get back under the covers once I’m up but it’s hard when it’s so comforting. Maybe I can make something to look forward to early in the mornings that will help motivate me not to do that.

Not good.

I came close to going to the ER and getting a hold placed on me. Decided against it (my crisis hotline suggested I go as I had a bad thought about suicide) because Covid freaks me out and keeps me from going. I need to sleep. I slept about three hours last night into this morning (Went walking early this morning with my husband which added maybe thirty extra minutes to my sleep to get the three hours total). The night before that two hours.

Going to the my old pdoc on Wednesday. I need something to clear the disconnect because the insomnia's not going away without me cleaning the mania or whatever the hell is going on. I'm tired. I'm weepy. I am a mess and feel incredibly isolated and alone, even though I'm not.

I just want to fix my brain. I'm not having a good time.

I'm still having a hard time with this whole thing. Sometimes, I feel calm, but a lot of the time I feel anxious. I know I'm doing this to myself and maybe I've self-sabotaged by calling the leasing office too much? That's what I'm afraid of. Now I can't get my phone to charge either which is a side issue I know but its still important. What do I do with my day? Just sit here and stew? That can't be good. We got through a good portion of my closet getting it cleaned out. Doing more later today. But what's the point if I'm not moving anyway? Well, I signed a paper today that says I'm out on the first of October so there's that. So no matter what I won't be in this apartment. maybe I'll have to get a storage unit? I am just sitting here WILLing them to email me my information! Someone turn me off!!!!!!

Change is hard.

I feel pretty good today. My therapy session went really well. I told her I didn’t take any Xanax but for a weird reason and she seemed like really excited that I found this new way to cope and she said that it’s a sensory thing and a lot of people on the autism spectrum have oral fixations and like to chew and suck on things and it’s perfectly ok and it’s just a calming thing. She asked a kinda weird question at least to me right at the end but it was still a good session. I feel good in general today after sleeping in really late.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist You know, living in a huge weed-growing state, I just have to say it--I hate weed. It causes so freaking much psychotic stuff. May actually unmask schizophrenia.. Probably autism. Hate it.

Since the '70's I have seen so many people, especially men, turn to shite from smoking weed. And yes, I've known 3 guys who ended up being weed-smokers with paranoid schizophrenia. The daily/nightly 24/7 weed smoking just blew their gaskets.

I understand medical MJ for people who have AIDS, glaucoma, or are undergoing chemo. It's supposed to help with some types of seizures. Besides that......

Hugs, La La. You need to call that pdoc now and tell her how you are feeling. Please do it rt now.

What is happening?

Anxious. I hate this. Anxiety really gets me, more than any other state. I've been trembling all over for days. I have a telehealth appointment with my pdoc in 1/2 an hour and will ask her if I can raise my Trilafon dose. She'll probably nix that; she's extremely cautious about TD.
x fingers crossed x

I called my new mental health center and they're walking to put some immediate treatment together. My old pdoc isn't worth a damn as he has no hours today. I have to wait until tomorrow.

It was meant for moose, probably shoulda quoted her post.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Living in LaLa Land I called my new mental health center and they're walking to put some immediate treatment together. My old pdoc isn't worth a damn as he has no hours today. I have to wait until tomorrow.

That's excellent. Any idea yet what the new treatment will entail?

I updated you in a PM, but things are okay now . I received the paperwork and talked with a cheerful, nice person on the phone! I faxed what they asked me to fax and filled out the forms that they emailed me online. Doing everything online is new to me! I'm used to signing a million things. (Well, I'm signing them online which is new to me as well.)

I was just going to watch Netflix but it's acting up, so I'm listening to music. I suppose I could watch a DVD. I just need some down time. These last three days have been hectic. My mom came over this morning and we went through my bedroom closet. Stuff is everywhere! I shouldn't have that much stuff, but it all adds up when you've lived somewhere for 3 years. I hope the guy i talked to at pdoc's office doesn't think I'm COMPLETELY insane! I'm at burn-out stage and just ate lunch so I need a nap. Four pm is late for a nap, but I'll set an alarm for an hour. Put on "The Birdcage"- the Robin Williams version. That's a good movie.

Hugs, Beth. Any med changes?

But are you safe?

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist Hugs, Beth. Any med changes?

Thanks for asking, bpc. Yeah! She increased Trilafon from 12 to 14. Possibility of going up to 16 if need be.

I realize from visiting my pal in Seattle that I am isolating way too much. So, i am putting in writing that I will leave the house 2x a day. Once, to exercise, a second either to work out again (trying to add exercise as a depression measure) or maybe just a walk. I isolate. I have few irl pals. Gotta get out more and see puppies and babies and stuff. I feel better when I do. Flowers bring me joy. People being happy. Helps.

. I am sitting in my chair way too much. Sure, Covid. But as fern ha so sagely pointed out to me again and again, I am an entire being. Sure, a brain that is very ill. But also, a soul, spirit, and physical body. I am not optimizing my mind-body, brain-body connection. Not optimizing the management of my heart and soul. So, trying to work on this. More yoga. I am a devoted meditator. But yeah, I need work on these arenas. Going to try.

Also, I have some big spiritual news. I am going to become Catholic. I know a lot of people prolly cannot stand the church. My decision is entirely spiritual and bible-based. Not political. So excited' shoulda done this a long time ago.

Hugs.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bpcyclist I realize from visiting my pal in Seattle that I am isolating way too much. So, i am putting in writing that I will leave the house 2x a day. Once, to exercise, a second either to work out again (trying to add exercise as a depression measure) or maybe just a walk. I isolate. I have few irl pals. Gotta get out more and see puppies and babies and stuff. I feel better when I do. Flowers bring me joy. People being happy. Helps. . I am sitting in my chair way too much. Sure, Covid. But as fern ha so sagely pointed out to me again and again, I am an entire being. Sure, a brain that is very ill. But also, a soul, spirit, and physical body. I am not optimizing my mind-body, brain-body connection. Not optimizing the management of my heart and soul. So, trying to work on this. More yoga. I am a devoted meditator. But yeah, I need work on these arenas. Going to try. Also, I have some big spiritual news. I am going to become Catholic. I know a lot of people prolly cannot stand the church. My decision is entirely spiritual and bible-based. Not political. So excited' shoulda done this a long time ago. Hugs.

I fully support you with your plan to get out 2x day. Even starting out with once per day would be terrific, if 2 seems daunting. With flowers & babies you just can't go wrong.


I've been drawn to Catholicism in my life, even though I come from a Jewish background and practice some Buddhist methods.

Is your family Catholic?

So glad you are better, Moosinator. Hooray!

Birdcage is marvy. Robin Wms actually went to one of the same places for help I did, God rest his perpetually manic soul. Soooooooo bipolar 1...

Yay!! Feeling better. So much to do but have a month to do it .. Just a little bit every day will help. Robin Williams manic? No...

Many years ago I met Robin Williams at a fundraiser for a non-profit I was working for. He was an incredibly warm, sensitive human being. A true joy.