[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by VerMOZZica

I am feeling devastated right now. Last night my dog and I were sitting on the couch and then I left the room for a bit. When I got back my dog was on the floor having seizures. We tried calling vets to see if there was an emergency vet on call. We couldn`t find one. My dogs seizures never stopped. He passed away last night and I miss him already. He was my baby and buddy for 12 years. I am hurting really badly right now. This morning we took him to get cremated and I will have his ashes in 4 to 6 weeks. I am feeling beyond sad right now.

Oh, no. I am so, so sorry. Losing a pet is some of the most painful grief there is. Please take care of yourself, VerMOZZica.

[Moose72]

Sorry for your loss verMOZZica.

[VerMOZZica]

Thank you Nammu , Beyond The Rainbow and BethRags and Moose72.

[Soupe du jour]

VerMOZZica, I am so sorry for your loss. I know how scary and sad it is to lose a pet, including with seizures. One of my past parrots passed away like that. It was the first, and so far only, time I witnessed a loved one pass in front of my eyes. Horrible!

[buddha1too]

A "planned passing" (euch as a euthanization) is bad enough; a sudden, unexpected passing such as the one you just experienced would be even worse. I'm so very sorry, VerMOZZica.

[Soupe du jour]

@whatever2013, I am so happy for you that your benzo reductions have been going so well. I can't wait for the day when you get off them completely. Glad, too, that you enjoyed your shopping trip.

[Soupe du jour]

I have yet another health worry that's come up. I won't describe it. I hope it passes as it seems to have in the past, assuming it's the same. As for my hand tingling/numbness, I didn't notice any last night or this morning, wearing the wrist braces, but my sleep was disrupted a little because of wearing them. I think I tossed and turned a lot, waking up with a little of the same lower right-side back and arm pain I've mentioned in the past. I'm getting sick of health concerns. I need a break! But of course not a bone or psychotic one

Hubby and I will attempt to get appointments to get our hair cut (and mine also colored). They open again, where I am in Europe, on May 3, but the waiting lists could be long. The government will also require people to show negative covid tests first. I wish I could just use a bit of OTC hair dye, in the meantime, but Hubby doesn't want me to. I've been trimming my own bangs for a while now. Doing a so-so to lousy job.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

I have yet another health worry that's come up. I won't describe it. I hope it passes as it seems to have in the past, assuming it's the same. As for my hand tingling/numbness, I didn't notice any last night or this morning, wearing the wrist braces, but my sleep was disrupted a little because of wearing them. I think I tossed and turned a lot, waking up with a little of the same lower right-side back and arm pain I've mentioned in the past. I'm getting sick of health concerns. I need a break! But of course not a bone or psychotic one

Hubby and I will attempt to get appointments to get our hair cut (and mine also colored). They open again, where I am in Europe, on May 3, but the waiting lists could be long. The government will also require people to show negative covid tests first. I wish I could just use a bit of OTC hair dye, in the meantime, but Hubby doesn't want me to. I've been trimming my own bangs for a while now. Doing a so-so to lousy job.

I hope your health problems stop already! I've had to wear the wrist brace a few times. It did disturb my sleep for the first couple of nights, then I pretty much acclimated to it.

I think one of the happiest days of my life was the day our salons reopened!

@VerMOZZica: I am so sorry for your loss. I have a dog too and i adore her. You must be bereft especially since we've grown even closer to our pets during COVID. Know that your dog has crossed The Rainbow Bridge and is in doggy heaven now and you will be reunited someday. In the wise words of Theodore Geisel (better known as Dr. Seuss), "Don't cry because it's over. Smile because it happened!" Your grief is probably too fresh now for any smiling but you'll get there!

@Soupe du jour: Sorry to read of your aches and pains but very clever about the "breaks" -- not wanting a bone nor psychotic. Haha!

[wildflowerchild25]

No, sleeping did NOT help. I took 100mg of seroquel and 1mg Xanax and yes I slept straight through from 9p to 6:30a but I don’t know how I’m going to get through work. For real I am scared to death. I feel semi safe for n my car bc I can lock the doors but in the classroom with everyone else? Who knows what can happen. I almost feel like I should take myself out before anyone else has a chance.

I think I should have taken the extra seroquel and Xanax before I came but I was worried about my ability to drive.

I feel like I’m going to be sick. I need to go back home and get under my weighted blanket.

I can tell RS about this, he will think I’m nuts.

I'm wearing my Poet Shirt (a fluffy, sheer, white shirt, very feminine) as i have to go to the dentist and my dog wrote a poem this morning:

"Roses are grey /
Violets are grey /
Hope you have /
A nice day!"

[*Beth*]

I had a successful week-end of working with my very resistant and fairly relentless anxiety. I've noticed that every time I have an anxious thought I tense my shoulders and begin to breathe shallowly. So what I've been practicing is noticing every single time I tense my shoulders and stop breathing well (meaning I'm anxious) I immediately drop my shoulders, relax them, and take a deep cleansing breath followed by deep, healthy belly-breathing. The exercise has been going decently well and has given me insight into the importance of being in the moment, and present for what is here right now- rather than trying to live in the past or the future. I'm working on this moment being whole and full, not seeing this moment as only a connection to a previous moment, or a moment to come.

And Amazon finally delivered my broom!

[buddha1too]

Went to my shrink; no changes. It was one of those "hit & run" visits.

Despite everything, I hope everyone is muddling their way through.

Still thinking of you today, VerMOZZica.

[Soupe du jour]

BethRags, thanks for sharing your strategy to fight anxiety and some of the harmful automatic reactions. Those skills are ones a couple of my past psychologists encouraged me to do. Sometimes we need a reminder of them.

buddah1too, are you OK that there were no changes to your meds?

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

Went to my shrink; no changes. It was one of those "hit & run" visits.

Despite everything, I hope everyone is muddling their way through.

Still thinking of you today, VerMOZZica.

Oh, hey! Your current irritability and hard time sleeping sure rated more than a hit and run visit. How you doing?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

Went to my shrink; no changes. It was one of those "hit & run" visits.

Despite everything, I hope everyone is muddling their way through.

Still thinking of you today, VerMOZZica.

Like others, I'm surprised that your pdoc didn't adjust something.

[buddha1too]

I didn't share anything at our meeting. Meds are the same as before.

[Moose72]

My case manager called to change our next phone call visit. I don't like visiting with her. She's nice enough but I just have this feeling of anxiety and like I really want her to hang up or leave. I don't know why.

It's 83 here and I'm in the shade on my balcony. Took a nap so long that I'm not even sure how long it was! My facebook memories had a 45-second clip of N3 singing on this date in 2010! Wish I could save those from facebook!

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I didn't share anything at our meeting. Meds are the same as before.

Did you feel like you couldn't share, or you just didn't want to?

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

My case manager called to change our next phone call visit. I don't like visiting with her. She's nice enough but I just have this feeling of anxiety and like I really want her to hang up or leave. I don't know why.

It's 83 here and I'm in the shade on my balcony. Took a nap so long that I'm not even sure how long it was! My facebook memories had a 45-second clip of N3 singing on this date in 2010! Wish I could save those from facebook!

83 is warmer than here!

I got up at 5:45am today! I had set my alarm for 6:30am but i was good to go way before. The sky was just getting lighter and a few minutes later the sun rose. It was cool. I haven't seen a sunrise in a long time. It's 5:00pm and i don't feel too tired, just around the eyes a bit. I went to bed at 9:00pm the night before and slept with ease. Adjusting to my "Spring Hours" is going much easier this year.

I got my glasses and the octagonal ones are really pretty! Unfortunately, despite the fact that they are both light, narrow, metal frames, they both still slide down my nose like my zany, wide, loose plastic pairs. The optician adjusted them, but with the mask on you couldn't really judge the fit in the store. I only found out the truth once i'd worn them at home without the mask. I'll have to go back for a re-adjustment. I suspect i need a whole different solution like glasses made for a child or custom glasses. Doubt i'll be able to negotiate that but i will try. Darn it, i have a ZOOM meeting re a community development tomorrow at 6:00pm and i really wanted decent glasses so my eyes could be seen on my screen image, instead of the top of the frame obscuring my eyes. Ack! One of the men in my ZOOM support group is a retired optician. I'll see what he has to say too. The only thing is we don't get along that great in group so he might tell me to go to Hell!

The dentist went well. She's recommended a night-guard and today she took the specifications so the lab can pour it. She used computer technology and it was cool and everything but the goo molds were less distressing and probably less than 1% of the price of the high-tech method. But it's progress, of course, of course. The protective coating she painted on my worst-worn-out teeth seems to work fine. I tested it out by eating my favorite raspberries with no pain twinges! Yay!

I caught a sight of a reflection of myself and despite being dressed nicely today i was repelled by how enormously fat i am. I have to remember that i got this way out of the emotional pain of bipolar and it's how i coped. Life at 250 pounds is still life, even if i wasn't very active. I just have to have compassion for myself and persevere in dieting and all will be well.

Well, i do go on, sorry. A bit lonely without my ZOOM social hour and so wanting connection... and mood soaring!

Hugs to all!

[wildflowerchild25]

I talked to my therapist. Her recommendation was to continue to fact check in my mind and remain in the moment as much as possible. I feel extremely unsafe unless I am in my bedroom and I’m even a bit suspicious of RS. But she told me to fact check with the fact that he has never hurt me physically or even verbally. She also reminded me that I have been through this before and though it is terrifying right now it is not inescapable.

I am trying to calm myself. I feel like I must hurt myself to appease whatever force/person is after me. Like if I do it first they will back off. I did hurt myself at work today with the safety scissors. I am still terrified to leave this room so I guess that’s not a good plan.

I did manage to relax in the classroom after awhile because I was with familiar people and had real people who could intervene if a physical attack were to occur, though I’m not sure what protection I have if it’s some malevolent force. I escaped to my car and the bathroom (single bathroom which locks securely) several times to get the voices (of the real people) to stop hurting.

I’m secured under my weighted blanket now, trying to breathe deeply. Xanax isn’t touching my racing heart, and I took a whole milligram so I am uncomfortable taking more.

I feel that maybe another shower would help but I am just so scared to leave the room.

I don’t know how much help pdoc will be tomorrow. I think I’m on my own.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

...

I'm so sorry you're having such a rough go of it right now. I wholly agree with your therapist. I've been pretty much where you are and my T more or less gave me the same advice. It was really hard, but I did it anyway and eventually working to be in the moment is effective. Fact checking can keep your feet on the ground.

I have hope that your pdoc can help tomorrow.

[VerMOZZica]

Thank you whatever 2013 , Soupe du jour and budda1too. I want to thank everyone who commented on my post. Your kind words mean so much to me. Thank you all.

[bizi]

Thought I would just check in.
work is better than it had been , new clients daily for the past 2 weeks.
I am not taking as good of care of my self which is bad.
I need to shower tomorrow and wash my hair.
Why is it such a struggle to shower? Wrong thread....
need to seriously get back to dieting, and need to curtail this drinking.
bizi