[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

@BethRags: Wow, i'm really sorry you feel that way, like you're going to be attacked or something tragic will happen. It must make it very hard to relax. I got a new gadget for security on my door, new on the market. It's this spring-loaded bar lock that makes it impossible to open the door even if you have a key. I felt a weight off my shoulders when i got it installed. Maybe it would help? I just got it at a big-box home improvement store.

How kind of you, whatever. Thank you. Your door lock sounds terrific.


Mostly, I have intrusive memories of stuff that happened when I was young. It gets wearying, to say the least. Glue the PTSD with the bipolar disorder and...well, it's a scary carnival ride. But, nothing new, so I just keep working on it. It's very slow, but I do have some success. You said the key word: relax.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I'm not really sure. I still feel anxious & irritable, but also somewhat washed-out (if that makes any sense). I hate taking APs. I was supposed to help my partner work in the yard today, but didn't feel up to it. My internal workings are just messed up right now. Then, tomorrow morning, I have my second Moderna vaccine. Hopefully I won't feel any ill effects, but I might skip my AP tonight so I'll know what's what.

Take care, everyone. It seems many of us have hit the skids the past few days.

I do understand what you mean by "anxious, irritable"..."washed out." I hope your second vax goes smoothly. I had my 2nd one last Tuesday and didn't feel a thing except maybe slightly sleepy.

I had a fabulous ZOOM social hour today! There was one man there who is active in his church, i think he's a chaplain or something and i shared how much i valued my Roman Catholic upbringing, that church is participatory art. He seemed to like that. Another woman and i connected about music so that was nice too. She remembered about my glasses which i felt was very thoughtful. It was a great hour!

Otherwise the day has been long. I rewatched "Sicario" tonight and enjoyed it again.

Down to 10mg of Valium tonight! One single pill of the Valium! Halfway. I always find it hard to get to the halfway point of any endeavor so i am excited to arrive here! Wow, it's been three months already and will take at least three more. A looooooooooooong project!

Hugs to all!

[buddha1too]

I'm glad you finally had a satisfying Zoom social hour again, @whatever2013. I'm not at all religious, but my partner is Catholic, and I've attended church a few times (without being struck by lightning). Given the rituals of the Catholic Church, the concept of "participatory art" is quite interesting. I'd never thought to view it that way. I'm glad your taper is moving along smoothly.

I actually had six hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. I don't feel especially rested, though. I just got back from receiving my second Moderna vaccine. I should be pretty well immune from Covid in two weeks, but I still plan to take precautions in crowds.

I hope everyone's day is going well.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I had a fabulous ZOOM social hour today! There was one man there who is active in his church, i think he's a chaplain or something and i shared how much i valued my Roman Catholic upbringing, that church is participatory art. He seemed to like that. Another woman and i connected about music so that was nice too. She remembered about my glasses which i felt was very thoughtful. It was a great hour!

Otherwise the day has been long. I rewatched "Sicario" tonight and enjoyed it again.

Down to 10mg of Valium tonight! One single pill of the Valium! Halfway. I always find it hard to get to the halfway point of any endeavor so i am excited to arrive here! Wow, it's been three months already and will take at least three more. A looooooooooooong project!

Hugs to all!

I'm so glad you had a terrific Zoom experience. btw, what did you decide about your glasses?

GREAT news on your benzo withdrawal!! You're waaay ahead of me.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I'm glad you finally had a satisfying Zoom social hour again, @whatever2013. I'm not at all religious, but my partner is Catholic, and I've attended church a few times (without being struck by lightning). Given the rituals of the Catholic Church, the concept of "participatory art" is quite interesting. I'd never thought to view it that way. I'm glad your taper is moving along smoothly.

I actually had six hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. I don't feel especially rested, though. I just got back from receiving my second Moderna vaccine. I should be pretty well immune from Covid in two weeks, but I still plan to take precautions in crowds.

I hope everyone's day is going well.

Congrats on your vaccine!

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by whatever2013

I had a fabulous ZOOM social hour today! There was one man there who is active in his church, i think he's a chaplain or something and i shared how much i valued my Roman Catholic upbringing, that church is participatory art. He seemed to like that. Another woman and i connected about music so that was nice too. She remembered about my glasses which i felt was very thoughtful. It was a great hour!

Otherwise the day has been long. I rewatched "Sicario" tonight and enjoyed it again.

Down to 10mg of Valium tonight! One single pill of the Valium! Halfway. I always find it hard to get to the halfway point of any endeavor so i am excited to arrive here! Wow, it's been three months already and will take at least three more. A looooooooooooong project!

Hugs to all!

Oh super! Your doing great on the taper!!!

[Nammu]

Originally Posted by buddha1too

I'm glad you finally had a satisfying Zoom social hour again, @whatever2013. I'm not at all religious, but my partner is Catholic, and I've attended church a few times (without being struck by lightning). Given the rituals of the Catholic Church, the concept of "participatory art" is quite interesting. I'd never thought to view it that way. I'm glad your taper is moving along smoothly.

I actually had six hours of uninterrupted sleep last night. I don't feel especially rested, though. I just got back from receiving my second Moderna vaccine. I should be pretty well immune from Covid in two weeks, but I still plan to take precautions in crowds.

I hope everyone's day is going well.

6 hours is a great start. And congratulations on your second jab. My daughter and sil get there’s tomorrow. . Yeah except for seeing my daughter and grandkids nothing has changed for us either. Just bought a bunch more masks.

[Soupe du jour]

My husband procured an appointment for me with a neurologist that is also associated with a physical rehab. I must say that the tingling/numbness I experience in bed has gotten to me, psychologically. It's been nearly every night (in bed) for many weeks now. It's been months since it started, though in the beginning it was only occasional, or so minor that I looked past it. I can't help but wonder if a fall down my sister-in-law's wooden spiral stairs, back in September 2020, played a part. Since then, perhaps I aggravated it repeatedly during the move prep and moves. Or so I think that might be part of the issue. Who knows. Maybe it's something else.

My husband agrees with me that I likely have a slightly concerning case of high pain threshold and tolerance. Way too often I accidentally injure myself and basically either don't notice or charge forward as if the injuries are nothing. Burns, cuts, contusions, etc, I usually just keep going. Often what would seem to cause a lot of pain for some, doesn't as much, for me. For example, when my husband hurts himself, it's as if 911 needs to be called. The same injury for me, and not much. Fact is, it's hard to compare pain from one person to another. This same thing can apply to psychological pain...something I have also, at times, endured more than a person's fair share of, when seemingly others might not have. Anyway, I'll be getting my situation looked at. Hopefully the doc won't want to order an MRI, or the like. If so, I might just have to wait until I finally get insured. I hate MRIs! I've had about five of them in the past, plus CT scan, PET scan, and several EEGs. Gosh, I really didn't want to need a neurologist again!

[Nammu]

Dreams of a war society last night. The young boys were going around in their armor picking on less popular kids. They were planing to humiliate this one kid ewhen two brothers got together and changed their armor coming together to protect that kid and stand for justice! Was an interesting dream. Wanted to go back to sleep and watch more of it play out. But no such luck.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

My husband procured an appointment for me with a neurologist that is also associated with a physical rehab. I must say that the tingling/numbness I experience in bed has gotten to me, psychologically. It's been nearly every night (in bed) for many weeks now. It's been months since it started, though in the beginning it was only occasional, or so minor that I looked past it. I can't help but wonder if a fall down my sister-in-law's wooden spiral stairs, back in September 2020, played a part. Since then, perhaps I aggravated it repeatedly during the move prep and moves. Or so I think that might be part of the issue. Who knows. Maybe it's something else.

My husband agrees with me that I likely have a slightly concerning case of high pain threshold and tolerance. Way too often I accidentally injure myself and basically either don't notice or charge forward as if the injuries are nothing. Burns, cuts, contusions, etc, I usually just keep going. Often what would seem to cause a lot of pain for some, doesn't as much, for me. For example, when my husband hurts himself, it's as if 911 needs to be called. The same injury for me, and not much. Fact is, it's hard to compare pain from one person to another. This same thing can apply to psychological pain...something I have also, at times, endured more than a person's fair share of, when seemingly others might not have. Anyway, I'll be getting my situation looked at. Hopefully the doc won't want to order an MRI, or the like. If so, I might just have to wait until I finally get insured. I hate MRIs! I've had about five of them in the past, plus CT scan, PET scan, and several EEGs. Gosh, I really didn't want to need a neurologist again!

I hope you find a resolution to the numbness and tingling. For me, it would disturb my sleep to have those sensations going on.

I'm the same way with pain tolerance- and my husband is as you've described yours. Most women I know are wired for higher pain levels than most men I know are.

[wildflowerchild25]

I didn’t think I could make it through work today. I only did because it was a half day for the students. When I clocked out for lunch I cried in my car. I never cry. But I was overwhelmed with such sadness and despair that I really couldn’t do anything else.

I made a virtual pdoc appt for tomorrow at 12pm. I have to kinda sneak out and go to my car but it’ll only take a few minutes. It’s not like there’s anything she can really do though. I can’t go up on lamictal, it made me sick. Depakote does nothing for depression for me. I don’t want to add an AP, I’m already on seroquel for sleep. And Xanax prn for anxiety. I think I just have to suffer.

@BethRags: I decided to go ahead with the glasses and insist that they either be adjusted to my satisfaction or negotiate a deal. The distance glasses will probably be okay but i'm determined to get decent readers as on ZOOM you can't even see my eyes these current glasses are so loose. The style of the new readers is very common and conservative so i'm hopeful. My current readers are zany way-out horn-rimmed fancy ones and i think that's why they're so loose. I'll keep you updated.

[buddha1too]

Have you ever considered inexpensive reading glasses, @whatever2013? You can order them through Costco, Walmart (or other places, for that matter) for next to nothing:

NEW 10 Pairs of Closeout Reading Glasses - Your Choice in Power and Gender -Bulk +1.00 - Walmart.com - Walmart.com

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

I didn’t think I could make it through work today. I only did because it was a half day for the students. When I clocked out for lunch I cried in my car. I never cry. But I was overwhelmed with such sadness and despair that I really couldn’t do anything else.

I made a virtual pdoc appt for tomorrow at 12pm. I have to kinda sneak out and go to my car but it’ll only take a few minutes. It’s not like there’s anything she can really do though. I can’t go up on lamictal, it made me sick. Depakote does nothing for depression for me. I don’t want to add an AP, I’m already on seroquel for sleep. And Xanax prn for anxiety. I think I just have to suffer.

I'm so sorry, wfc. It sounds like you're not able to take an antidepressant? Pristiq is a miracle for some people with BD.

@buddha1too: I wish i could use the bulk reading glasses but i have a really bad "astigmatism" in one eye from having shingles so i have to go with prescription.

[Moose72]

About to see the eye doctor. Now my eyes barely look red! Of course! They are worse when I wake up

[Victoria'smom]

I have a dr's appointment tomorrow. I can't bring my husband. So I'm scared. I don't want to answer the depression questionnaire. It's a new male Dr and I don't do well with new people and I don't trust strangers. I have to also bring my pill bottles. So that will interesting. Has anyone just brought empty bottles? my impulse control I don't really trust myself being nervous and having access to my meds. I HAVE to do this but I'm scared as hell. What if they weigh me backwards? What if.... (tons of thoughts)? I literally have not gone out in public without someone I trust in years. I'm so stressed. I don't know what to do. I might just bring a coloring book. I can't bring my phone for music because I don't have internet access. No only do I have to go alone but I have to talk/interact.

[wildflowerchild25]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm so sorry, wfc. It sounds like you're not able to take an antidepressant? Pristiq is a miracle for some people with BD.

Very leery tbh. I haven’t had good experiences with SSRIs. Tend to make me manic/mixed. And some are a ***** to come off of physically.

I had a very good experience with Emsam, which is an MAOI. It’s just difficult because of dietary and medication restrictions. NO cold medicine at all. Dietary doesn’t bother me as much bc it’s mostly fermented food that I don’t really eat anyway. But it’s also extremely expensive and I’m not sure my insurance would cover.

[Moose72]

The eye dr looked at my eyes and asked questions and then asked to see me in a week again and prescribed drops. I took about 40 minutes at Walgreen's waiting for my script eye drops. My regular doctor barely answered my questions! I feel better now that I've seen the actual eye doctor.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom

I have a dr's appointment tomorrow. I can't bring my husband. So I'm scared. I don't want to answer the depression questionnaire. It's a new male Dr and I don't do well with new people and I don't trust strangers. I have to also bring my pill bottles. So that will interesting. Has anyone just brought empty bottles? my impulse control I don't really trust myself being nervous and having access to my meds. I HAVE to do this but I'm scared as hell. What if they weigh me backwards? What if.... (tons of thoughts)? I literally have not gone out in public without someone I trust in years. I'm so stressed. I don't know what to do. I might just bring a coloring book. I can't bring my phone for music because I don't have internet access. No only do I have to go alone but I have to talk/interact.

I thought I was the only person in a first-world country not to have internet on their phone.

I never brought my meds/bottles when they told me to, I just wrote down the information (prescription name, dose) and gave it to the pdoc.

Can your husband drive you to the appointment?

A coloring book is a great idea, Mm

I made it thru my first night on just 10mg Valium! Next week i'll be in the single digits! I didn't sleep as late as i would have liked but i guess that's for the best being that getting up early is a good healthy habit. It just makes my day longer but that's improved too because i walked my dog to the river with no pain so i can start my long-distance walking hobby! It's healthy and will kill time. If i get strong enough i can join a couple walking clubs! I ate protein, fiber and drank one liter of water today (along with the regular junk). You know your diet is bad when it's missing macronutrients like protein. Things are looking up!

Hugs to all!

[buddha1too]

I'm so sorry you got shingles, @whatever2013. For anyone over 45, please get a shingles vaccine (it's a two shot series you can get at your pharmacy). Shingles is an extremely painful rash...some people even have trouble wearing clothes they're so painful! I wasn't aware it could affect one's eyesight, too.

Good luck at your appointment, @Miguel'smom. I'm sorry you struggle so much with anxiety. I know it doesn't do any good to point it out, but most fears of that nature can be faced down. I hope that's the case with you. Good luck.

I'm glad you have a virtual appointment with your pdoc tomorrow, @wildflowerchild25. Hopefully things can be sorted out in short order.

[BeyondtheRainbow]

I had my first in-person visit with my therapist in 13.5 months today. It was also his first day in his new office (same practice, they just outgrew the buildings that they started in 20 years ago). The office change has been worrying me because I knew it was going to be pretty different but it was really ok. I miss the size of the old office and I miss "my chair" (I sat there for the last 15 years and loved that it has detailing that I could fidget with) but I'll get used to it. It felt more comfortable than I was afraid of. Like I told him last week when he was explaining that I wouldn't know any of the staff or office people and so who that would be l that the one that mattered was him. And that was true. He was really nice. Years ago I gave him a little vial of shattered shells that together were beautiful and included a note thanking him for helping me find beauty in my shattered life. He made a point of showing me that he'd moved them and where they are. He doesn't have a lot of space so that was really nice. He lost so much space he couldn't move everything.

Boy being out and around exhausted me though. I had to take my car in for a minor repair after my appointment and I came home feeling drained. I've been out so little in the last 13 months that everything is overstimulating. I'll have to work on that now that I'm fully vaccinated.

[Moose72]

N3 is in Utah still. Look what he picked up. He said it blew right to him!