Bipolar check-in #56

I’ve made it to IOP! I don’t have to do 5 day a week partial anymore. I’ve been in PHP since may 18. It’s a pain in my *** to be online five days a week for four hours a day. Thank god I didn’t do the other program, that was six hours a day. No way I would have made it lol.

I’ve been putting off a lot of stuff. I got a $3500 bill from my first hospital stay. Obviously I don’t have $3500 laying around, so I have to call to set up a payment plan that automatically withdraws from my account. I’ll never remember it otherwise.

I’ve also been putting off wedding stuff. Our wedding is in four months and all I’ve secured so far is a location. I really need to find an officiant first and foremost because without one there is no wedding. Then I can look for the rest. A photographer is important to me. I was going to get a florist for fresh flowers but now I’m thinking I’m going to go the route of my first wedding and do them myself with silk flowers from the craft store. I do have a good eye for design. I used to make jewelry and I worked in a frame shop for awhile. It’ll be easy enough to make three bouquets and clutch of flowers for my niece to carry. I’m not getting a super fancy dress that will have to be altered. I’m going totally low key this time around. I don’t have a controlling husband and mother in law to contend with.

I was totally overwhelmed thinking about our upcoming vacation. I have not been on a weeklong trip since I was 16 when we went out to California to visit my great grandmother on her 90th birthday. I’ve been on long weekends a handful of times but trying to pack and plan for a whole week plus an 8 hour car trip was stressing me out. But I’ve been told the trip is Sunday to Sunday so I have a whole extra day with RS home the whole day to prepare. I really feel so much better. RS also talked to his family and explained how I am. I am an introvert so being around people zaps my energy pretty quick and I need to be able to be alone and decompress for awhile. I was afraid they were going to think I was being rude. But they are awesome supportive people so they have no problem with it. I feel better about that too. I talked about it in group today because I was worried and my group members reminded me to take a travel “self soothe kit” with me. My unicorn, the scented putty I bought, my kindle so I can read. All good ideas I hadn’t even thought of. I’m still very nervous but I think it’ll be ok once we get there.

I’m SO glad my program dr listened to me and gave me the seroquel XR. I feel a million times better. I’m a bit tired during the day but not to the point of falling asleep. I think it’ll be better by the time I start work again in September.

I did a strength training workout today and I don’t think I’m going to be able to walk tomorrow lol. Squats are not my friend! I also found out I can’t do lunges because of my knee pain. So it’s really just a matter a following the YouTube videos and figuring out which moves are going to work for my body.

Survived the witching hours so today is my 3rd day not drinking.
The more days I get the easier it is.
I know my health will be better. Am really hoping
I can lose some of this weight....too too heavy.
And I refuse to buy new scrubs even when these are

so tight. I bought all new underwear a size bigger

than I have ever worn.
jockeys size 8.
heavy sigh.
bizi

Bizi good job!

thanks Nammu

***Applause for @bizi!***

I am not in a good place at all. I did see my T today in person. I am in Crisis. My Rage is tinged with Depression which this is my normal pattern.

I will be meeting the NP in July that is taking over for old Pdoc that retired quickly do to very poor health. I have no Idea what this NP will be like.. I have a very heavy amount of dread. If she is like most providers she will want me off Xanax ASAP I have been on it or Valium 10+ years. Fibro, PsA and numerous chronic pain is another reason I take it. My Xanax ? I told my T if she wants me off... If that is the case I will stop all psych meds and whatever happens will happen. There are no Doctors or NP's that will prescribe any Benzos as this area has a huge problem with Meth and crack makers.

He has paranoid schizophrenia and the more I think about it, I think his physical health has fallen to the wayside due to his mental battles. I do think he is depressed and overwhelmed. He has 10 appointments for his various ailments before July 12th and I think it’s all too much for him. I don’t think he understands the significance of the situation he is in.

I’m praying for you that your new NP will leave your Xanax as is and that things will work out. Thinking of you.

Going to the pool all day to float. I think it’s important to build in positive things in light of the situation and uncertainty with my brother. I told mom we’re going to start going back to the movies every Tuesday for the $5.50 bargains. We saw movies we’d never consider but that were really good before the pandemic hit.

Hugs to all

They sound like very pleasant plans, Jennifer.

I'm sorry to read that you are still feeling so unwell. I can imagine that a change in medication provider is anxiety-provoking. I would certainly hope the new NP wouldn't just stop any benzo. If they hint at it, perhaps a compromise would work. Meaning just a mini step down in dose?

My new Czech psychiatrist was relieved to hear that I had recently been weaned off of my small dose of Klonopin. However, I did tell him that I still have Ativan for "as needed" purposes, though I will say that I rarely take it. I think he likely will prescribe it in the far future, if I really need it. Perhaps your fears about your NP are more than will be the case.

Hubby and I feel just fine after yesterday's first Pfizer vaccines. We woke up slightly sore, but that mostly faded. At least for me.

We installed a portable air conditioning unit in our bedroom. We positioned it so that it also cools our living room area. So far so good. There is also a room unit in the spare bedroom upstairs, but that doesn't fully cool my husband's office. The kitchen downstairs doesn't get that hot since it only gets morning sun.

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina I am not in a good place at all. I did see my T today in person. I am in Crisis. My Rage is tinged with Depression which this is my normal pattern. I will be meeting the NP in July that is taking over for old Pdoc that retired quickly do to very poor health. I have no Idea what this NP will be like.. I have a very heavy amount of dread. If she is like most providers she will want me off Xanax ASAP I have been on it or Valium 10+ years. Fibro, PsA and numerous chronic pain is another reason I take it. My Xanax ? I told my T if she wants me off... If that is the case I will stop all psych meds and whatever happens will happen. There are no Doctors or NP's that will prescribe any Benzos as this area has a huge problem with Meth and crack makers.

I have my fingers and toes crossed for you being able to remain on the Xanax.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Beth rags I’m glad your meds are working for you. Under 900 is a good price for an apartment! I’m in a small town and rent is higher than that here!

I know...my rent is unbelievably low. My son and DIL live in San Francisco and pay $3,000-plus for their flat.

The second my favorite show that I’ve been looking forward to for a couple months drops on Paramount+ is when my sister and nephews decide to come over. This show is not appropriate, and the bad words are not edited. I am getting so frustrated with my nephews. They yell and scream and run around glass tables but only in front of me and I refuse to be responsible for them. I tried shutting the door but the wind keeps blowing it open. So I’m just sitting here with it paused while they run in and out of the room yelling and my mom doesn’t care despite saying she’d help me out.

I mean, I try to do self care, or my anxiety gets a break for the first time in awhile and I feel like I can leave my house or get off my phone and I immediately get screwed over and then I regress again.

But I’m working on finding a couple doctors and therapists in my network. I found a primary that seems good and I have a few therapists I’m going to look into. I thought I’d have about 10 people to choose from but there were actually a few lists of people who take my insurance.

But I have 4 more days of this PMDD before I get a 2 week break before it starts all over again for 10 days straight.

Ohhh I slept last night! I started with just 1 pill, hoping that would be enough. But at 3 I was still awake so took the full dose of 2 pills, by taking one more pill. It was lovely, dreams and rest! Heaven! I’m gonna try hard to get down to just 1 pil, half my normal dose. Maybe do 1 1/2 for a bit then go down to one. That would mean having half a bottle left when it’s time to renew. I never want to go though this again.

Christina

I’m guessing you don’t have a job?

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Well I saw my pdoc yesterday and he told me I ****ed up by using marijuana. He says it will take about 6 months to clear my system . He said he had never seen me present that way. I don’t know.

Why does it matter if she has a job? The point is that she finally got to sleep after going without for days.

I don’t feel too good mentally right now. I took another Valium and half a melatonin. I looked at a list my mom sent to me of my county’s LGBTQ+ friendly doctors. I found a primary that may work. He can prescribe me my injections. It’s just the insurance issue that I’m not sure of. The list says that planned parenthood is also a good place. But I’m worried about going there. I’ve heard that people protest outside the building and won’t allow you to enter and will sometimes throw blood and stuff at you.

Basically things are tough right now and I don’t think I can do this for another 4 days. Going IP isn’t an option because it’s a safety issue. I have my meds adjusted. I can’t do anything about therapy until next month. Why is it so rough

Spent the afternoon with N3 and his gf. Went to the bookstore. Then we went to buffalo wild wings. Then I took them home. Stopped at my mom's on the way home because the police had the road blocked so I veered left toward my mom's. My mom and I are going to get together tomorrow and have a hot dog at the little yellow hot dog stand that's been there for a very long time. It's actually a small yellow building not a cart. They come to your car and take your order. They only take cash. When they bring your hotdog and drink back they set it on a tray that hooks to your window!

In bad news- you know my old apartment that I moved from into this place last Fall? I heard there was a shooting over there within the last day or two! Yikes.

It's 7 p.m. now. I got gas earlier and that was expensive! It's up to $3.30.

I'm tired tonight. I think I will read until it's time to turn out the light. I'm running the a/c for a bit. My apartment tends to be whatever it is outside. That is, unless I run the a/c. In the winter it was nice and warm because heat rises and I'm on the top floor.

I took a muscle relaxer along with the Valium and melatonin. Then I told my mom to take my basket of meds and hide it and don’t give it back to me no matter what. Plus I asked her to throw away the muscle relaxers.

I must get this off my chest!

Last night my friend- the one who cancels dates at the last second after she's already agreed to them. She invited me out to dinner and I refused saying I have to pay for my teeth still. So she nicely says that she'll pay. At first she suggests red lobster but says "just don't order the lobster". Fine. I'm allergic to it anyway. I said I'd get the steak then because that's all they have on the menu that I can eat. Later- she changes her mind and says let's go to chili's so we both can eat there- its better for both of us she says. (I know that she's allergic to mustard but not seafood. She just doesn't enjoy seafood.)

We get to the restaurant. I'm very hungry. The menu was a QR code. I scanned it but could not navigate the menu at all. So when the waitress showed up I ordered the ribeye because I had my mind on steak from when we were going to go to red lobster. Karen orders a bowl of chili and a side of mashed potatoes. I thought for sure that she'd order the steak too because she often does- its one of her favorites. So that was strange. But we ate and talked just fine. After we ate I thanked her for the meal.

Today, she posts on Facebook that I ordered the most expensive thing on the menu on purpose knowing that she was going to pay. Of course her friends said "oh how rude! I would've ordered something cheaper..." Etc etc.

Of course now I am angry and hurt that she would think such a thing of me AND post her thoughts for the world to see. She made assumptions that are incorrect and I know that if I try to defend myself that she will want me to confess to purposefully planning to stiff her!

Rant off!
Last but not least, I am saddened that she could think that I would do such a thing.

@Moose72 Wow. Just WOW. That woman is no friend, she's mean, and a pot-stirrer. I feel really bad for you, that she was rude from the beginning ("Just don't order the lobster"), then shamed you on social media. Cold-blooded.