Bipolar check-in #56

Last night I took 180 milligrams of Geodon, 30 milligrams of melatonin, and 8 milligrams of Valium. I was so depressed. I fell asleep and I had some sleep paralysis which included some kind of monster on my bed, and some vivid dreams, then I woke up at 2:30 feeling ok physically.

I’d get help if I could. But right now I don’t have anyone. I sent 2 emails to my T asking what was going on. I think she thinks I’m pushing boundaries. But I still need to hear from her.

I’m just so confused.

If it gets worse there's always PES- Psych Emergency Services. No fun but necessary sometimes. I know you are probably far from the nearest one though.

I thought you'd given up melatonin? In fact, I think I remember your saying that you threw it away! What gives?

It's 6:30 a.m. and I am at Starbucks. I woke up at 4:30 a.m. because the birds were chirping outside as I had my bedroom window open. That plus the cold air funnelling down onto me- plus sleeping till 12:30 p.m. yesterday prompted me to get up. It's such a gorgeous day out! Only 47 at the moment but its going up to around 70. I dressed in jeans not shorts for the first time in a long time. Let's see... I think I went to sleep around 11 so that's 5.5 hours. Considering that I slept 13 hours yesterday that evens out- right?

I don't know what I'll do today after I'm sick of Starbucks. I have the tail end of my book, Resistance, to finish. And then I brought a new book by the same author! (I had all these books already.)

If my run doesn't calm me, I'm taking an old Klonopin from last year. I don't care if it leads to bleeding out my tear ducts and pissing sulfuric acid like some people make it out to be. Haevn't slept since Saturday night and I'm ready to yell at mice for being too small.

I had a peaceful day watching a three-hour morning news show that i've never seen before that was recommended by a friend.

It took me all day to finish it as i take breaks from TV (i cut the cable and watch online so it's easy to pause -- and free!!!). Yesterday was National Indigenous Peoples Day here in Canada and there were Indigenous leaders speaking in their own languages and translating for us each 20 minutes.

I found the anchor team was fun, especially the man who was full of charisma and charm and handsome as Hell. The Muslim-looking woman anchor was achingly pretty too and had such energy.

The white woman anchor (there were a total of three anchors yesterday as the man was out of the studio and just participated via a gigantic screen) was least interesting tho she had a nice messy-Stevie-Nicks-look going and at least was not stick-thin as so many of the onscreen white women are. All shapes and sizes are good of course but the media tends toward TINY white women quite conspicuously.

There was a demo of Inuit throat-singing featuring Shina Novalinga who has an eclectic CD with throat-singing with a bit of a pop-twist to it with drums and percussion coming out later this year. I can't wait!!! She sings with her mom. Shina is also achingly pretty, many of the Indigenous women are, i guess it's all that clean-living.

Shina and her mom stand face to face and lock eyes and entwine arms and sway from side to side as they sing. The mom 'leads' as she is the experienced expert and Shina 'follows' for a pleasing harmonizing effect.

I LOVE HARMONIZING!!!

The mom goes faster and faster and the game is for Shina to keep up with her until she fails and then they collapse in giggles. It looks like a really good time and a superb way to honor your mom.

Got a few things done and got outside twice with my dog to enjoy the nice day, but am happy to have had a calm day of rest and today will be the same tho i do hope to get to my dishes today.

Tomorrow is our condo AGM and Thursday is the building women's social which is always a riot, very intense, i like to bring treats for everyone as my mom taught me to never go empty-handed.

With COVID i brought safely-packaged Nutella snack-packs last week that went over well and this week i will bring safely-packaged sesame snaps, both treats are outstanding, you really must try them if you have never had them.

I have a deal with our convenience store owner that every week i spend more than $30 i get free coffee all the next week!!! I use the convenience store a lot because i don't have a car and it's $7 in bus fare to go anywhere and it doesn't make good economic sense to go to the grocery store for just one thing.

The convenience store even has a small produce section and i was able to get a vine of tomatoes yesterday and they keep me in just-barely-ripe bananas, which is how i like them.

They're Sudanese-Canadian and help me out with the occasional print-out for free as i don't have a printer and the dad is excellent with tech. Good people!!! Good business people!!! Know how to build a business!!!

We get such nice immigrant families in our convenience store, tho they turn a tidy profit and move on frequently. The last family was Honduran-Canadian and would even shop for me for a song!!!

They brought in some of the grandmas savory baked treats also, which i was overjoyed with as i don't YET cook. They had delicious samosas from an Eritrean-Canadian chef in the building and would take orders for her which was useful when i went away for a weekend and wanted to gift my hostess something exquisite.

I also ordered my first vegan za yesterday and it was excellent, i knew it would be as i prefer this giant chain pizzeria and they would have had the resources to do extensive product-development by scientists in test-kitchen-labs.

The cheeze was a bit more creamy than gooey and the faux-pepperoni was a touch bland, but for the peace-of-mind knowing no animals suffered to make my meal, i will accept this gladly.

It was my second night on my restarted benzo taper and i slept fine except for getting up for an hour at midnight. But i got the hours in, just no long period of restorative deep-REM sleep which is so important. I'm at 8mg of Valium, so i am fully 60% of the way there. It's always easier once i pass the halfway mark with tasks, i find.

I WILL GET THERE!!!

Well, i guess this was not too much about bipolar, but perhaps you get the idea that my mood is high and i love all of humanity at the moment, embracing multi-culturalism with both arms and feel expansive and loving and amused and interested in the world.

It probably won't last much longer as we have passed The Summer Solstice, so i'll be back to Plain Jane before long, full of negativity and complaints and brief grouchy posts, so enjoy it while you can!!!!!

Hugs,

Jane.

Well a second night of no sleep. Though I managed to stay in bed. Man I can’t take the complete lack of sleep at my age anymore. I’m having hot flashes so bad my glasses fog up and my back and neck are killing me. But my head is roaring. I did manage to stay in bed last night. At first I was tossing and turning, it’s painful no matter what position I’m in. Then around 4 am I remembered using pillows to brace up and got some zen time in.

Christina I’m so glad you had a nice week with your daughter, that means so much. But man I’m sorry for what your going though. Hope you can contact Richard soon. Do you get to see him in person Wednesday?

Hot flashes. Ugh. And fogged glasses- double ugh! I'm sorry you aren't sleeping. I'm wide awake since 4:30! Night before I didn't get up until 12:30 pm! My sleep seems to be like this lately? Short amd long and short again.

I used to be like that. I don’t know why though. But I loved when I slept long, except the days were so short then. Why some days the light coming in around the shades woke me but other days I could sleep though the light has been a perpetual puzzle for me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu It’s not the cost that stops me I really am afraid it would be tempting to stay up watching tv instead of going to bed at a decent hour. I try really hard to keep myself on a schedule for sleep and if I’m not sleeping to stay in bed and zen. It’s much better for me. I’m really afraid if tv is an option that I’d choose that over self care. That could easily wire me up. Last night I couldn’t relax and zen or empty my thoughts so I gave up, but I usually don’t.and mindless tv would tempt me to watch.

I understand. Self-care is top priority.

My brother has some. I’ve asked my mom to be in control of my meds a few times, and she says she will, and I’ve given them to her before but then she always gives them back to me.

I’m doing better today. My pain is gone and that’s what was really setting off my mental health issues these last few days. The level of that pain plus the side effects from the muscle relaxers was just too much to deal with. I took a hot shower for the second day in a row. Plus I haven’t used my weighted blankets for a few days. I think on Sunday I didn’t take enough benzos which may have impacted how I felt on Monday about therapy and other things. Today they are working. Things seem to be a combination of mental health and physical stuff but the pain for sure made everything else 10 times worse.

I haven’t heard back from anyone regarding therapy. So I’m not sure what my next step will be. But things don’t seem as intense as they did these last few days. So I guess I can just wait and think it out.

This morning I ordered a new hat from Hot Topic that was 50% off and I also ordered a 40 count variety snack box from Amazon. The snack box was only $14 and it has a ton of different varieties in it. I don’t usually buy anything during prime day but I’ve been getting notices on Facebook about good deals.

Today, hopefully, yielded some very good things for my husband and me. We went to the Ministry of the Interior and the woman we saw (Window 1) listened to our predicament and seemed to feel it was no big deal. She simply wrote the equivalent of an "aka Jane Doe Novakova" and then slammed the typical stamp next to it. Afterwards, I encouraged Hubby to head straight to the insurance office. When we got there, we found a most pleasant lady more than willing to help. She seemed to even take an instant liking to my husband. Apparently she grew up in a town very nearby where my sister-in-law lives, which is where my husband's parents had their summer cottage. According to her, we should be expecting our insurance cards in a few days by mail. I'm sure Hubby will have no problem. I'm cautiously optimistic about me getting mine...or at least right. What was even nicer was that the lady made Hubby's insurance coverage retroactive to May. She said mine would be retroactive to June 2nd. We still have two other government offices to go to.

I saw my Czech psychiatrist again today. Unlike the other times, there was a major wait. The office was hot as hell since there is no air conditioning. Hubby still joined me. I was encouraging the doc to get rid of my morning Seroquel XR, which he did. I complained about increased appetite and how doses below 600 mg are mostly weight neutral for me. To that he commented how weight unfriendly it can be, but then said "Well, you aren't overweight, so that's good." I immediately thought "What!?!?!"

I confess I loudly stated "I am overweight! I may not be obese, but I'm sure overweight." I didn't want to announce how much, but the truth is that I'm 20 lbs above the highest weight in my normal BMI range, for my height and age. And believe me, I see and feel the weight.

Tomorrow we get our 1st covid shot. I think it will likely be the Pfizer one. I researched them and the long time between 1 and 2 is consistent with that version.

I think I'm going to pay for ketamine treatment myself, my depression and anxiety are getting out of hand.

It's 1,250 per treatment but I guess I could just try 2 or 3 and see how it goes.

I'm so tired of feeling so low all the time and my anxiety is slowly getting worse.

I was up at 4:30 this morning and by 11 I couldn't stand it! I needed a nap. I didn't set an alarm and I slept from 11 to 3!

Woo I’m jelly!

Thinking of you and sending gentle hugs and supportive vibes.

Just got back from going to the kidney doctor. My brother’s kidney function is 36% and he is at Stage 3 of Chronic Kidney Disease. You can’t get it back but you can try and maintain what you have. There are five stages. Dialysis starts at 15%. He has already stated that is not an option. I was calm and jovial with mom and my brother through the longest lunch and longest drive ever then called my daughter. She’s been warning me for years to prepare myself and hasn’t pulled any punches. I appreciate that. The 10-20 years I envision just isn’t realistic.

All cried out for right now. Going to the pool early tomorrow to float it out.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

Had to skip a bunch of pages. Way far behind. Things are going alright, except the weather. Too freaking hot. High 90's yesterday. This weekend? Triple digits, including what will likely be the highest recorded temperature here EVER. Anyone who denies climate change has their head in the sand. We in the west are LIVING IT. I dread the wildfires. They have become surreal. Last summer we had the worst air quality IN THE WORLD. Trust me, that level is VERY, VERY bad.

When the air is cool, I literally savor it.

Shout out to Beth. You have my complete empathy. Here's to making it through alright.

I’m so sorry.

It's a realfeel of 63 right now and getting down to 50 tonight! I am definitely sleeping with my bedroom window open again!

Yes none here. Likely the closest is 110 miles away. Thank you for the idea tho.

Oh Nammu I am so sorry that sleep has packed its bags and left, I think the provider was very cruel doing this.

Yes I do see Richard tomorrow in person. I hope that it helps some how.

Just got under my weighted blanket for the first time in forever. Its 20 pounds! I will sleep like this under my open window with the cool air. Aaahhh!

Oh Jennifer such bad news to hear Hopefully your brother will truly realize that he must take care of himself..... much better.

As much as it hurt to hear I am Glad that M was honest about how things are going..

Take good care of yourself