Bipolar check-in #56

I gained 0.1 pounds this week which is to be expected since i binged yesterday when i was feeling rejected by a friend.

Jane.

0.1 lbs is a very small amount. You can easily lose it again. I have been having some overeating (and junk eating) moments, too, because of certain stressors. We can move forward again, with healthful eating.

By the way, do you always weigh yourself at the very same time? And how often do you weight yourself? I once read how drastically our weight can shift even within the same day, even when we eat "on plan".

Finally! Finally my husband and I were able to register for our first covid-19 vaccinations. We had to wait a while until the government set up a system for vaccinating foreigners without public health insurance. Even though my husband is not a foreigner, he's still waiting for the steps in order to get it. So am I, as a long-term resident. At least we can now get the shots without the additional wait. My wait for health insurance will eventually be longer than my husband's given the name snafu I mentioned a few days ago.

When Hubby mentioned we're registered, I exclaimed "Please, please, shoot me in the arm with it, already! Please!"

I've written here before, here and there, about problems with my brother. He can be very cruel (and was to my mother before she passed) and has very very serious issues with controlling his explosive anger, with me and the rest of the family.

So my mother passed away in November. I was a hot mess, he was not. He organized the funeral and kind of all around took over, which was wonderful for me.

As some of you may know, after someone passes away, and especially if they leave a house, there is a great deal of work to do.

My brother told me, back in November, that he would take care of everything. I was elated about that.

The only thing I have done is, many months ago, I packed up much of the house. I told my brother at the time that I could not take the boxes to a charity (where she lives, I could not find any that picked up) because I could not lift the boxes and also have a small car. He said he would do it. He said he would renovate and sell the house and do everything else.

All this time, I had thought that he had been working on it, though I had my suspicions he was not, but I did not want to confront him.

So his wife had a baby a week ago, and yesterday he texts me and asks if I can take all of mom's paperwork from him and take over and get everything done. He said he wanted to be honest with me, "I have done exactly zero." "I had no free time this spring." But he's had since November!

So he tells me this RIGHT AFTER HIS FOURTH BABY IS BORN, in effect saying, well, now I REALLY don't have time, so you'll HAVE to take over. He waited to tell me until the baby was born on purpose. I'm furious. I'm beyond furious.

I'm going to his place today to see the baby and discuss my mom's stuff. I have planned to tell him that I will not do everything, maybe we can split the work in half. But I am also deathly afraid of his angry outbursts, so I am very very anxious.

I'm very anxious about telling him this, and very anxious at the prospect of doing all this stuff. I'm doing a lot of PT after work, sometimes I can barely move because of my back pain (for which I may need surgery soon), etc., etc.

I feel so awful, furious, scared, anxious-anxious-anxious.

Oh, and when I went to pack the house, I put all of her food from the fridge into bags. They had to be left in the house because the trash pick-up was no longer being paid for. I had thought my brother was going to take care of that, and had been checking in on the house, to get rid of the boxes, then for the renovations (that never happened), so he would have taken care of those bags of food a long time ago. But there they still sit. There will be maggots!!!! Whatever else happens, I am committed to go there next weekend, after having found a way to reinstate her trash pick-up, and clean it out. A friend is going with me. It's going to be a hellscape.

Thanks to anyone who has read this far. Please wish me luck?

I’m sorry you were feeling rejected by a friend.

Gaby, that sounds rough! That was definitely not nice to wait to tell you until the baby was born!

That could just be how you're standing on the scale. I wouldn't worry about it at all.

I still have the same anxiety. I haven’t even bothered to take a Xanax yet since they seem to be making things worse lately. cold water is getting to me again. Maybe I’ll try some warm bottled water from the garage. I texted my mom and we talked for a bit this morning. I just wish I knew how to get rid of the anxiety and depression I have going on. My chest aches but it’s nowhere near as painful as it was last week at this time. I haven’t taken any Tylenol yet. I’m watching a gross episode of SpongeBob where they thought Mr. Krabs died and they are filling his empty shell with chum “organs.” So he can still go on his date. These episodes have gotten so bad lately.

I took a Xanax half an hour ago and it did nothing. My anxiety is still really bad. My coping skills aren’t working. I’m not S or having any SH thoughts it’s just plain bad anxiety. I’m not worried about having a nervous breakdown either. Although I did have one after my last surgery which resulted in me being forced into IOP and almost inpatient.

I kind of feel like taking a whole handful of Xanax to see if I can get any relief. Although I just saw something on Facebook about a dude who blacked out after Xanax and ended up murdering 2 people. So a handful is not a good idea. But maybe I’ll take 3.

I haven’t really been hungry lately and I’ve lost some weight. I don’t know how many pounds this week. I lost track. Again this happened after my last surgery too.

Another day of feeling just awful. I laid in bed for awhile but I just forced myself to get up to put my laundry in. My basket is beyond full. I’m going to take my son to his coding class and then I must get over to Verizon to purchase a new phone. I got my phone replaced under warranty a mere two weeks ago and now this new one is doing the exact same thing as the old one. I can only hear calls on speaker and no one can hear me talk. I don’t get it! I’m wondering if it’s an app I downloaded but I really haven’t downloaded many. The new one was Medisafe but that wasn’t on my old phone. I have no idea what’s going on. But I’m only a month out from an upgrade so I’m going to cut my losses and just purchase the new iPhone. I didn’t want to because I wanted my monthly bill to be lowered but I need a working phone.

I did have fun with my brother’s family yesterday but unfortunately he had a panic attack and had to leave early. At least I got to see him for a little while. RS also made an easy version of strawberry shortcake. Just sweetened strawberries put in sponge cake cups with whipped cream. Very delicious.

I’m trying to eat a bit healthier but with this crushing depression it’s hard to make good choices. I really just don’t want to eat much at all so when I think of something I can choke down I just have to have that just to get something in me. I’m not going to beat myself up about it right now.

I just hope as I go up on the seroquel xr i will begin to feel better. I am in just complete emotionally crushing pain

Gabyunbound, I'm sending well wishes and luck that you can work with your brother on a compromise. I'd be shocked if I found the bag with the maggots. Eek! In any case, do take things one step at a time.

@Gabyunbound -- wishing you the very best luck through this situation. I am so glad your friend will be going with you!

@wildflowerchild25 -- I'm not surprised you find your unicorn so comforting. I am very much comforted by my teddy bear. He is my best friend really -- all hugs, no judgement, and 100% trustworthy. I have him say the words of the positive self talk that I find (very) difficult to say to myself directly, if that makes any sense. I find that very helpful.

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Originally Posted by Nammu ... Then after I arrived home my daughter texted a picture of the free stuff they’d put on the curb,…! It caught fire 🔥! Well one box did. Nobody know how but the box had an aluminum disk and a glass bottle in it so maybe they did intensifying the sun and started the cardboard on fire? The neighbors saw the fire and rushed their hose over and got my daughter and sil attention. What an ending to a garage sale! I’m all showered and decked out in pjs for the night. It’s been a good two days.

How bizarre! I'm glad the fire was put out promptly!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Gabyunbound ... Thanks to anyone who has read this far. Please wish me luck?

You got it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Another day of feeling just awful. I laid in bed for awhile but I just forced myself to get up to put my laundry in. My basket is beyond full. I’m going to take my son to his coding class and then I must get over to Verizon to purchase a new phone. I got my phone replaced under warranty a mere two weeks ago and now this new one is doing the exact same thing as the old one. I can only hear calls on speaker and no one can hear me talk. I don’t get it! I’m wondering if it’s an app I downloaded but I really haven’t downloaded many. The new one was Medisafe but that wasn’t on my old phone. I have no idea what’s going on. But I’m only a month out from an upgrade so I’m going to cut my losses and just purchase the new iPhone. I didn’t want to because I wanted my monthly bill to be lowered but I need a working phone. I did have fun with my brother’s family yesterday but unfortunately he had a panic attack and had to leave early. At least I got to see him for a little while. RS also made an easy version of strawberry shortcake. Just sweetened strawberries put in sponge cake cups with whipped cream. Very delicious. I’m trying to eat a bit healthier but with this crushing depression it’s hard to make good choices. I really just don’t want to eat much at all so when I think of something I can choke down I just have to have that just to get something in me. I’m not going to beat myself up about it right now. I just hope as I go up on the seroquel xr i will begin to feel better. I am in just complete emotionally crushing pain

I'm so sorry

My husband called me from Prague. He said that he "can't take his friend anymore, and that he's coming home tonight". I am not exactly sure what that means, but obviously the friend was hard to deal with. Under normal circumstances the friend can be a pain in the butt, but I don't know if there's some psychosis still present, or...what. He'll tell me either late tonight or tomorrow morning. It's a 2-hour drive home. That would make it after 10:30 pm before he arrives. He said he might stop at a rest stop to sleep, if necessary. I don't even think he ate dinner. At least I packed a car snack package for him. Good grief!


I think he had a nice time with his sister and nephew, in the morning and early afternoon. He sent me a photo of a pile of wild strawberries in his hand, that they picked from s-i-l's property.

Aww that’s too bad soupe. This guy was a good friend for a long time. Man covid seems to have done a real zinger on his mental health.

@Gabyunbound and all:

Good luck with seeing to your late mom's house. I hope it's not too upsetting. Glad you have a friend going with you. You might need the support. Sorry your brother let you down, in such an irresponsible fashion with such suspect timing.

This is the last thing you need when you are still grieving your mom. My condolences, by the way -- not sure if i gave them at the time of her death. Always hard when a mom dies.

No one will ever love you like your mom. When my mom died 18 years ago my thought was, "Well, i really am alone now." Hope you lean on this one friend for support and have others as well.

Jane.

Yes, but I guess I'll learn what else is going on. We're also wondering about his marriage.

@Soupe du jour and all:

Yes, we're online at the same time despite the six-hour time difference as i get up with the birds in the Spring. But i feel all that good energy slipping away now, i'm so hurt by my friend's rejection.

Oh well, i had a great time, the high-light of which was the party i threw -- very uncharacteristic for me and only the fourth party i've thrown in my life and i'm 54. I imagine YOU'VE thrown lots of parties, with your elite cooking and baking skills, serving exquisite hors d'oeuvres and meals.

My mom baked from scratch too, many types of quiche tarts, pigs-in-a-blanket, etc. She had this no-fail pastry recipe that's been lost over the years. I did a bit of baking as a teen to please my dad, but mostly i was too busy doing push-ups for gymnastics.

Once i made a Father's Day brunch and i made everything from scratch, right down to the tablecloth and napkin rings, this really cheerful green gingham. (I sewed as a teen too.) My dad got tears in his eyes and all choked up when he told my uncle about it.

But he didn't say a word to me.

Jane.

The Father's Day brunch you described sounds wonderful! I'm sorry your dad didn't tell you directly, but at least you know (indirectly) how much it meant to him. It's clear you know what the heck you're doing as a party hostess. I sure wish I could come over some time.

I've actually not hosted many big parties. Strangely, despite having 100% confidence and pride in my cooking abilities, hosting caused me a great deal of anxiety and stress. Even with close family, in the beginning. But over the course of my life I've grown less anxious, but still prefer to only host four people max. Part of my problem is that I set too high of expectations for myself. I'm often my own worst enemy. You can't imagine how many times in the past I had to excuse myself to wipe anxiety-induced sweat off my forehead. Even change. [It can pour, causing a Catch 22.] Or excuse myself to the bathroom to compose myself. This is no exaggeration! Luckily, I've never had that anxiety when only cooking for my husband. My husband never judges me, or at least not in any major way. In fact, he's more generous to me than he is to anyone else in his life, including himself. It goes both ways.

I've encountered a strange contradiction in my life, partly related to my bipolar disorder. At times, fearless "Star of the Show". Or Teflon. Other times, social/performance anxiety with terror about public speaking or public performance. How I could be an ambitious dancer, at some times, and one that hides in the wings, another. I don't know. You know, some of my more traumatic moments in life related to public displays -- mostly when in a mania, or worse, a mixed state. Sometimes not even during, but after-the-fact, when what I did fully hit me. It was hard to even talk about them. Then at times, the stories would come out "matter-of-fact". And then be painful spots again. I've got some doozies when it comes to stories.

Man am I in trouble. I have a week left of my Xanax. I have enough to get to next Monday. But I can’t get it filled until the 29th. Which is about 10 days after I run out. If I just took one a day I’d still just barely make it to the 29.

But I have no idea how to go from 4-5 pills a day down to just one very suddenly.

I don’t know what to do. If I call my doctor he may yank me off it completely. But things are still bad even with 4-5 a day anyways so is it even worth being on it anymore.

Does anyone have any suggestions?

At this point I want to find someone like me , who if he struggles with mental health issues, is a sober , independent, under the care of a doctor if medication is needed or therapist if it’s not, has faith. I made some big compromises in my last relationship. At this point the only thing I have to cling to is my second go round at sobriety after having dated someone who was not at all sober . I think it’s time to start the new thread in the relationship section.

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My mind keeps spinning around, and I want to turn off my thoughts. I am not getting enough sleep, but I wake up feeling wired. It is hard for me to sit still for very long, and I'm on edge. I thought I was doing better, but things are taking a turn where I just don't feel right.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Man am I in trouble. I have a week left of my Xanax. I have enough to get to next Monday. But I can’t get it filled until the 29th. Which is about 10 days after I run out. If I just took one a day I’d still just barely make it to the 29. But I have no idea how to go from 4-5 pills a day down to just one very suddenly. I don’t know what to do. If I call my doctor he may yank me off it completely. But things are still bad even with 4-5 a day anyways so is it even worth being on it anymore. Does anyone have any suggestions?

You have to tell your pdoc. There's no safe way around that.

I'm just home from swimming at a lake with Christine- about half an hour from where we live. Getting a shower when I got home was so refreshing! No way was I going to sleep with dried lake covering me!

I will call the dentist tomorrow but I don't know that they'll do much for me without it costing me $2,000 (which I don't have).

I feel good physically tonight (except my tooth) but mentally I feel upset because I don't think I can bear getting my tooth fixed. But I can't go around with a huge gap in my smile- can I? What if the rest breaks off somehow? What if I bite something hard again? I've got my bite splint in for bruxism and it feels good to have my broken tooth surrounded by the moulded soft plastic. Mentally, I feel down because I can't afford to fix my teeth and this tooth originally broke in 1983 just about this time of year, too. However, I will sleep well tonight after getting a couple hours of outdoor sunshine and some exercise swimming.

I think I'll read my book for a bit and then go to sleep.