Bipolar check-in #56

Moose, there are no words. I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I am not in a good place at all. I did see my T today in person. I am in Crisis. My Rage is tinged with Depression which this is my normal pattern.

I will be meeting the NP in July that is taking over for old Pdoc that retired quickly do to very poor health. I have no Idea what this NP will be like.. I have a very heavy amount of dread. If she is like most providers she will want me off Xanax ASAP I have been on it or Valium 10+ years. Fibro, PsA and numerous chronic pain is another reason I take it. My Xanax ? I told my T if she wants me off... If that is the case I will stop all psych meds and whatever happens will happen. There are no Doctors or NP's that will prescribe any Benzos as this area has a huge problem with Meth and crack makers.

I must get this off my chest!

Last night my friend- the one who cancels dates at the last second after she's already agreed to them. She invited me out to dinner and I refused saying I have to pay for my teeth still. So she nicely says that she'll pay. At first she suggests red lobster but says "just don't order the lobster". Fine. I'm allergic to it anyway. I said I'd get the steak then because that's all they have on the menu that I can eat. Later- she changes her mind and says let's go to chili's so we both can eat there- its better for both of us she says. (I know that she's allergic to mustard but not seafood. She just doesn't enjoy seafood.)

We get to the restaurant. I'm very hungry. The menu was a QR code. I scanned it but could not navigate the menu at all. So when the waitress showed up I ordered the ribeye because I had my mind on steak from when we were going to go to red lobster. Karen orders a bowl of chili and a side of mashed potatoes. I thought for sure that she'd order the steak too because she often does- its one of her favorites. So that was strange. But we ate and talked just fine. After we ate I thanked her for the meal.

Today, she posts on Facebook that I ordered the most expensive thing on the menu on purpose knowing that she was going to pay. Of course her friends said "oh how rude! I would've ordered something cheaper..." Etc etc.

Of course now I am angry and hurt that she would think such a thing of me AND post her thoughts for the world to see. She made assumptions that are incorrect and I know that if I try to defend myself that she will want me to confess to purposefully planning to stiff her!

Rant off!
Last but not least, I am saddened that she could think that I would do such a thing.

I’ve had such SI today that I’ve not been left alone. I’m not in a good place. I’m utterly defeated right now. I’ll try to get a good night sleep and rally tomorrow.

I’ve had such SI today that I’ve not been left alone. I’m not in a good place. I’m utterly defeated right now. I’ll try to get a good night sleep and rally tomorrow.

I’ve had such SI today that I’ve not been left alone. I’m not in a good place. I’m utterly defeated right now. I’ll try to get a good night sleep and rally tomorrow.

She has now posted on facebook again- at least twice if not 3 times saying that I "soaked" her by ordering the steak. And she just won't let it go! I bet she's planning her revenge. She likes to talk a lot about how she will hurt the people she thinks have wronged her. But Jesus H. Christ already! I'm beginning to see how toxic she is and for that matter our relationship! I'm sitting over here thinking of all the things I could say to her but then I think "I'll just let her stew in her own juices" as she continues to complain about and bad mouth me on facebook.

I love the support I get on here. I’m being sarcastic obviously. While I deal with S thoughts and SA and SH thoughts everyday. I don’t get any support while everyone else gets tons of it when they post the same stuff.

Maybe try being inclusive and help other people who really would like it instead of ignoring them all the time.

I know other people have said this forum is cliquish and that’s why new members don’t stay.

Checking in…I had to drive 45 minutes to a doctor’s appointment. I get super anxious while driving. On the way home, I struggled with persistent intrusive thoughts. I made it home though and am glad I didn’t cancel the appointment. My recent mania has finally subsided, and I’m sleeping now. I’m on the alert for depressive symptoms since I often sink after mania. I hope everyone is having a good day.

Lizzie