Bipolar check-in #56

Oh, that sounds awful. My heart goes out to you.

I refer to an extreme energy/power in how I came across. Also that I was able to go from 25 mph to 150 mph in an instant. Powerful bursts. No sluggishness in power or spirit. Often over the top, too loud, too much in general. Now I'm closer to being a Sunday driver, though not quite that slow. My metabolism and general being is still a bit faster paced than many. I've learned patience, but still haven't fully mastered it.

My old psychiatrist twice told me that mild hypomania was my "baseline". I don't know that I'd say that, but...Also, my new psychiatrist seems uncertain what my baseline is. He keeps wanting my husband to join my sessions so that he can ask if my mood seems "normal" or not. Hubby has confirmed that it is, but then what is one person's "normal/baseline" is indeed not another's.

I will say that when you live with a person for so long, a certain baseline mood starts to become "normalized". What outsiders may see/perceive could be different than insiders. That may not mean that the insider perceives correctly. They just view behavior as relative to what they're used to.

Well it’s time to take my Wellbutrin, yesterday my daughter crashed her car and I had to go see her in the er, as If I needed more stress. I am so thankful to back on medication and back off marijuana. Last night I got in a bit argument with my ex boyfriend about doctors and medications and drugs and alcohol. I kept saying “why are we having this conversation”. I can not get over how enabling his mother is. Regardless my mental health comes first and now that my stress level is increased I’m really getting insightful about him and his position in my life.

Hmm
Interesting, I think I can relate to
Some of that . You are privileged to have a husband to keep you stable.
Mine was a liability . He also has bipolar and refuses to treat it and self medicate instead .

I'm sorry he needs to self-medicate. A lot of us do. I've tried to correct that behavior. Though I have made major improvements, I sometimes rather just shift what I self-medicate with (or how). My husband is different than me in that he is slow-paced. That used to drive me nuts, early in our marriage. He has ADD (the slow version) and I know that contributes. But he is a very imperturbable type of person, with occasional exceptions. That characteristic has helped our marriage survive well.

Interesting. Well my ex boyfriend said my emotions seem blunted by Wellbutrin and I told him that is not an effect of that drug.

It’s ok I divorced over a decade ago. I just ended my second post divorce relationship. In this case my ex boyfriend is a depressed alcoholic and addict still living at home with his mother . Not a match.

I called the therapists on a list that that came from my insurance companies website and of course they don’t take the insurance despite what the website says. So we called the actual insurance company. We talked for them and they put us on hold for 15 minutes saying they’d have to get back to us with some names. Then got back on the line and told us they’d have to call back tomorrow with some names. Even the frigging insurance company can’t find a therapist for me. But I do have my session set up with the new therapist at my last practice. I set that up last Tuesday. So I guess if I have to pay $100 a session then I’ll have to. I just hope she’s worth it.

Overall today I’m still feeling the effects of PMS despite the fact that it should be over today. I actually did manage to take a 1.5 hour nap after taking my meds this morning. I can never take naps even if I’m dead tired as a result of meds. But I fell asleep right away.

Sonic brought back its red white and blue slush. It has strawberries on the top, ice cream in the middle, then blue raspberry slushy on the bottom. It is good. I really wanted them to bring that back and also the lemonade ice cream drink from Baskin Robbins they had in 2018.

I just wish things would get better for me.

Yes Risperdal did that to me. I kept subconsciously looking for "the baby". But I'm not on Risperdal now and haven't changed meds in quite some time.

The nurse called me back and asked a lot of questions and will talk to the doctor filling in for my regular doctor. (Regular dr. is away for a few more days apparently.)

EDIT:
Now they called back and the doctor filling in for my doctor said to call the OB/GYN clinic. So I called them and spoke to the nurse. She had the note in my chart from the other office so I didn't have to re-explain everything. So the nurse thinks I need to be seen. I'm waiting on a call back to confirm that and to actually make the appointment.

I've been up since a little before 5:45 this morning. Was at the coney place for breakfast with Noah at 7. I SOOO want a nap!

I have an appointment for the 7th with my gyn.

My insurance called back again. They still aren’t having any luck finding me a therapist. I honestly don’t understand it. My mom is being an idiot and is saying “it will work out.” But it hasn’t so far. And I haven’t even tried finding a primary or a gynecologist yet. After that last PMS (which I think is finally starting to die down) I really need to get into see one who is trans friendly and can do surgery on me. But I don’t even know if this insurance would pay for the surgery anyways.

I’m trying to get ahold of my plastic surgeon who did my chest. I’m still having pain and I’m not sure if that’s normal or not. But I called a couple hours ago and the receptionist said the PA would call. She hasn’t yet. Mostly likely she won’t. So I’m just trying to hang on right now until Friday when I see the therapist I have an appointment with.

I'm still struggling with a fair degree of anxiety. The AP helps quite a bit, especially with panic. Honestly, I wish I could be on 2 AP's, but my pdoc would not be inclined to prescribe two.

Kids, it is scorching hot here on the west coast! People in Washington don't usually have a/c's. It's bad. I'm going to have a whopper of an electricity bill, but not much I can do. I'm on the top floor (hot!) and need the a/c and fans for my apartment to be livable. I look forward to bedtime with a fan blowing on me. Besides, bedtime is generally the only part of life that makes sense to me.

I'm meeting a friend for lunch next week. Our friendship is life-long; 58 years. I'm so looking forward to it - and also freaking out.

Sometimes I get sooo tired of myself.

I’ve been there. Quite recently in fact. I was harming myself because of the immense guilt, especially about how I’ve treated my son. I’m not abusive but I just feel like I’ve already ruined his life because of multiple hospitalizations. Not to mention just my faulty genes. He’s a super anxious child and it’s uncanny because he has the same exact fears as I had as a child. I just feel awful. But it’s true, you just can’t sit there and stew in your own regret. You can’t change the past. All you can do is improve yourself for the future.

The thing I’ve found most helpful for me so far is a form of positive affirmations. I just write down over and over again things like “I am a good person” and “I have not ruined my son’s life”. It helps in the moment.

The PA never called. I just took a muscle relaxer for legit pain. I’m sitting in bed with a heating pad. I keep trying to get my mom to take me to the doctor in person instead of doing a telehealth but she won’t. She says we’d have to stay in a hotel and stuff. She’s going in that area at the end of July for a reunion. I don’t get why she gets to go out for a reunion but I can’t go to the doctor for actual pain. I feel like she’ll only leave the state when it benefits her in some way instead of creating some work for her but helping me. I mean I’ll pay for the hotel. But she just won’t. It’s annoying.

You said you are in your early 20s.
Do you have to live with her?
If you can pay for a hotel it sounds like you could live on your own? You also said you work. I never see you post about your work.
What’s it like?

Migraine in both eyes and cheeks and top of head.

Got my keys back for the day so I can get my injection. I'm scared of driving. I'm sleep deprived and irritable. She's going to ask what she should mention to my aprn and I don't know what to say. I feel better some days, feel worse others. Yesterday I spent pretty much all day pacing and crying. Anxiety's still really bad, I think that's why I can't sleep or eat. I'm hoping to find out my call back day is soon or that through emails the nurses will talk and I'll get to gog up on the vraylar. 1.5mg is like a sugar pill. No effects, no side effects, nada.

Thank you, @wildflowerchild25. It helps to know I’m not alone in feeling this way. I’ve been IP five times, and I know that has hurt my kids. Also, being depressed so often and being emotionally absent during those times affected them, too. Thank you for the positive affirmations suggestion. I will try that.

I am doing okay. I have a phone appointment with my pdoc later today. I am waiting for the pharmacy to fill my one medicine. I was able to find the med in a different day in my meds box. Otherwise I hadn't had it in two days. I hate when the pharmacy doesn't have a med in stock then they have to order it and you have to wait an extra day for it. My sleep has gotten better finally. I have actually been able to sleep at night. Back to my music.

@Mountaindewed, I’m so sorry you are in pain and that your mother is refusing to take you to the doctor. That’s not good. I hope she changes her mind and that you get some relief. Thinking of you.

@Moose72, I’m so sorry you have a migraine. They’re awful. Are you able to take anything for the pain? I hope it goes away soon.

@Sapien, I’m sorry you’re not sleeping or eating. Anxiety can definitely do that. I hope you’re able to go up on the Vraylar. Maybe that will help. I hope you feel much better soon.

@mariah001, I’m glad you are able to sleep now. Are you a musician? What kind of music do you do?

I slept well last night, and my mood is pretty good…much better than yesterday. I cried a lot during my Zoom therapy session. I’m hoping to get motivated to paint today. That usually helps my feelings.