Bipolar check-in #56

I’m glad you got some sleep. I slept lightly and was aware the whole time I was dreaming that I was laying in bed. Maybe 4-5 hours of that twilight sleep. I’m exhausted.

Yeah I just watched the old folks dance. But in school dancing was a mandatory part of grade school gym. Had to learn to square dance, and ball room dance. Was horrible. Don’t really remember it though.

Sir would stand up to Big Papi , bat him on the nose and sit on his head. He definitely believes that dogs are inferior to him. I’m pretty sure he grew up with big dogs. He was a rescue cat so don’t know the first 4-6 years of his life.

Here today is cool compared to the past couple of weeks. Only 79F out side. Supposed to storm, but not sure. Every time they make a big deal about getting rain it fizzled out.

Happy Father’s Day to all fathers here!

Ohhh Buddha I forgot to thank you for the articles. Really cool!

I’m doing a ton better today. I took my Geodon and a Valium at 4:30 this morning instead of 1AM. Then I went back to sleep until about 9. My one Valium is still working. My chest hurts though so I took a muscle relaxer just now. My mom and I were out all morning. We went to a variety of stores looking for bar stools. We didn’t find them but I found a weighted vest, it’s for exercising but I’m going to use it for anxiety. It’s only 4 pounds. I had a weighted vest awhile ago that was 20 pounds and way too heavy and it was really bulky. I was thinking last weekend of ordering one specifically for autistic people but they are more than $60. The one I got today was only $20 and I can wear it under my clothes. I also got a DARE hoodie. DARE is nostalgic for people in my age group. That’s why they make hoodies and shirts now with the saying.

But I’m doing a lot better today and I’m not lightheaded. I think going to the ER eased my mind about things and the pain meds they gave me last night helped a lot.

My mom also thinks I’ve been pretty traumatized by my “current” T which may have made my pain worse. I know I was having a lot of anxiety yesterday which I thought was Xanax related but I think it was just severe stress from her. I don’t think I was having legit withdrawals.

@Sapien...I know you wrote that you were up late, but I'm hoping the fact you didn't get up early means your sleep time was above average. I'm finding that even when I've slept longer than usual, I'm still tired, though. Sleep deprivation is cumulative.

@Nammu...I'm sorry you're dealing with sleep deprivation, too. I checked the net, & TODAY is the summer solstice (at least in the eastern U.S. time zone) -- 11:32 p.m. EST. So, we get more daylight today than any other day of the year. Hopefully everyone's sleep patterns will calm down soon. We never danced in gym class, but I remember having to dance in music class when I was in third grade. I'm a horrible dancer, but I remember wanting to dance with a little blonde girl named Ellen Blake...I remember the rush when my hand touched her's. I was a little "horn dog" even then! One dance I wish I could do is salsa. When I lived in Germany I was on a baseball team with a bunch of Cuban players who didn't return to Cuba when the Wall came down. They used to play salsa music & dance between doubleheaders. My friend just sent me this song this week -- check out the smooth moves!



Party on, peeps! It's salsa at the solstice!

Ha that looks fun and very very energetic! The only thing I dance to is rock, that’s pretty free form. Anything that requires steps and coordination is too complex for me. I can do the chicken dance tho!

Guiness World Records has got a new record holder for youngest preemie to survive. He was 21 weeks and 2 days gestation when he was born. Yup. 21! That's 3 weeks earlier than the usual cut off for whether or not doctors will attempt life saving measures or just comfort care for very premature infants. Not long ago nobody would attempt to give intensive care to any baby born under 24 weeks. I know that was the case 20 years ago when I was pregnant with my youngest and having early contractions (that turned into premature labor later on at 28 weeks).

https://www.guinnessworldrecords.com...irthday-663394

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddha1too ... Party on, peeps! It's salsa at the solstice!

Terrific video! I'd like to dance the Salsa, too!

I’m doing well. I’m feeling much better physically. I have appointments every day next week with my brother and I’m prepared for the wear and tear of it. Tomorrow will be a special treat. We’re meeting my sister and nephew for lunch before the appointment. I don’t know when I’ll see him again so that’s great since I missed the other night.

I bought a roll on that helps with sleep. It has natural ingredients in it and you put it on your feet or wrists. I read the box today and it’s photo toxic. Lmao. I can’t go float for 3-4 days. No sun tanning and I get lots of sun out there. I won’t use it during the summer months. I may not use it period.

I signed up for a Red Tent event to pump up my social life. It’s from 6:30-9:00. I’m Ms. Magoo behind the wheel after dark. That should be interesting. I guess I’ll leave before dark. Not borrowing trouble but my eyes will be giving me issues as I age. They already are.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening and day tomorrow.

Jennifer. That’s really cool about the red tent. I hadn’t known that became a movement. It was a really good book. I’m glad you found something social.

I hear you about night driving. I don’t like to drive at night anymore either.

@Jennifer 1967...I'm glad you're feeling on top of things so you can tackle the busy week ahead. I had to Google "The Red Tent" -- I'm glad it will augment your social life. If the event will be held in the next few weeks, driving shouldn't be an issue, as it will be staying light until at least 9:30.

I woke up around 7:30. I stayed up and did laundry. Then I got in pain so I took 2 extra strength Tylenol and then half an hour later my muscle relaxer and anti dizziness med. I thought to myself “did I take too much?” I went to bed and around midnight I fell asleep but it wasn’t really sleeping. I was in some kind of weird limbo or void. It was like a hallucination. My back kept getting really hot and I almost peed my pants. Then I woke up with a bad sore throat but I wasn’t hot and I didn’t have to use the bathroom. I took my temp and it was 96.7. I’ve been up since but I’m still a bit lethargic and also kind of paranoid.

So I don’t know if I took too much or if it was just side effects. I also haven’t had any benzos in about 24 hours and I had been taking a lot Wednesday-Saturday. So I don’t know. But it was pretty trippy.

Hopelessly behind here so i will just write a quick note about myself.

I AM NOW FULLY VACCINATED!!!

I attended an outdoor mass-vaccination event put on by a Muslim woman doctor. There were souvenir t-shirts for $20 and i slept in mine! All the proceeds went to a Muslim women's shelter.

It was by invitation-only and i suspect i was only invited because i offered to volunteer and mentioned my city councilor's name (said he could vouch for me) for whom i have lobbied for before in the past (my city councilor) during his election and volunteered for before in his mission to make public transit free.

It really pays to put out good karma!!!!!

I wasn't supposed to share the registration URL with anyone, but i was so excited when the message came thru that i shared it with my neighbor "KT" (a woman my age with whom i desire a deeper friendship, not the senior one i usually am friendly with who was already fully vaccinated) before i knew what i'd done. But after that i didn't share it with anyone else and asked KT to keep it to herself also.

Our appointments were at 2:30pm, so quite late in the day and i suspected they would be running behind and i was right. We waited an hour and forty-five minutes. But with The Delta Strain circulating, i would have gladly have waited three times as long.

The neighbor i invited is a woman i've been trying to cultivate a relationship with as she is uber-powerful and lots of fun, really, she's a good time. We've went to a pro-football game together before.

But this time she was reserved and mostly did her phone and Apple watch, ruining my dream of making faster friends with her. I can only speculate it is because she saw the scars on my arms from a

Possible trigger:

suicide attempt

twenty-two years ago when i tried on my souvenir t-shirt that she bought me as a thank-you.

You'd think people would react with compassion, rather than rejection. But there's no accounting for people, i sure know that. Also, tho i am only 54 and closer to KT's age, i find she considers me more of a friend of her mom's who is 70.

That's no biggie, as her mom has charisma to burn also and is retired and has the time for me. So, if this friendship with KT will not progress i have still deepened my friendship with her mom who came with us to drive us and keep us company. I can still see KT occasionally for special events, but it's really only retired women who have time for me.

That's okay, there is a lot to be learned from my elders!!! Older people have better skills in maintaining equanimity, something i earnestly desire for myself as i have had trouble with being bit of a loose cannon in the past.

I dyed my hair turquoise to celebrate the Summer Solstice and vaccination day!!! It's just semi-permanent dye that washes out in six weeks, so no commitments.

It's a brand i've used before, just vegetable dye, vegan and cheap like borscht. I've got a color-shift going, as shown in my new avatar with the roots green and middle turquoise and the ends blue.

It's quite pretty, i guess it just turned out that way due to the different absorbencies of the length along each strand of hair. The brand name of the product is "Adore" and it comes in a small squirt-y bottle, white with black printing and a color swipe to demonstrate the shade. It's super easy to work with, no fuss, no muss, no scent.

Hugs,

Jane.

I'm not feeling well today. Maybe this reason, maybe another, but it is what it is. It's making me irritable, causing mini fights with my husband. He went upstairs likely to avoid me, and I'm in the living room happy he's upstairs. Tomorrow, Wednesday and Thursday are busy days for us. Hopefully they'll yield something positive.

I talked to my brother yesterday because he was visiting our dad when I called to wish Dad happy father's day. I hadn't talked to Bro for ages. He told me that he and my brother-in-law had some bouts of high heart rate soon after their covid vaccinations. He asked which vaccine I'll likely be getting. Honestly, I'm not sure, but Moderna seems common here. I googled this issue and indeed found some serious-looking references to the issue on government websites. What I read said that Moderna vaccines tend to be doing this more than others.. Bro said I should drink a boat load of water beforehand. I guess that can't hurt. This possibility does concern me a little since I am already being treated for tachycardia, though it has been well controlled on the beta blocker I take. Not yet having insurance adds a bit of anxiety, too.

I'm "wired and tired" and I hate it. Didn't sleep at all last night, just kept reading and I have no idea what I read some paleoanthropology stuff. So many things are pissing me off including my neighbor and her stupid birdfeeder like she wants bears, and my run didn't make me feel any better actually now an old injury is hurting again so now I have to go easy on the physical activity for the next few days and I would rather be eaten by a polar bear than stop. Listening to "Slow It Down" so hopefully my head slows down!!!!!!!!!

O wired and tired is an awful feeling. Hope you get some sleep soon.

Unfortunately I am now completely out of ambien, I got zero sleep last night and was too tense to just relax and stay in bed. Boy late night tv has nothing but nothing on.

I don't know if you can afford it, but it's worth looking into something like Netflix. It's less than $15 a month, & there are no commercials. We seldom watch anything on cable anymore (except baseball, of course!).

@Sapien and @Soupe du jour...I hope your moods improve.

I’m afraid to stream anything because it might prove addictive. I’ve enough of a tv habit without adding to it. 😃 tho I do sort of want to watch Picard and Star Trek.

I am super drowsy and hungover today from being so hyped up on muscle relaxers and benzos. But I’m not anxious. I’m just very tired and I can’t walk straight. I couldn’t even eat an ice cream cone because I was drowsy and unable to hold it. I went to one store but I couldn’t really get around so I went home instead of continuing. I’m in my moms memory foam bed. And I feel trippy but my anxiety is super low. So I don’t know. I emailed my therapist and asked if she heard from the new one. I called the practice and cancelled my remaining appointments. I haven’t heard back from my old former T that my Pdoc wanted me to get back in touch with again. So right now I’m just waiting for someone to call.

There’s not a ptsd check in thread and bipolar is my secondary diagnosis however I don’t want to start a ptsd check in thread so I’ll utilize this one.

Last night I decided not to take seroquel to sleep and I woke up at 3:30, 4:30 and finally got up at 6.

My work schedule fluctuates and I am finally going to get a doctors note for reasonable accommodations.

I know my job isn’t right for me and I need to get a more appropriate one.

Although I work on a production team , I work behind the counter . Retail is most definitely not the right fit for me. I’m trying to move into production . My boss assures me I will be, that has yet to be seen .

My frustration level is through the roof. I am thinking about going back on disability so I can find a more appropriate job. I’m going to talk about it with my doctor this week.

Quote:

Originally Posted by buddha1too I don't know if you can afford it, but it's worth looking into something like Netflix. It's less than $15 a month, & there are no commercials. We seldom watch anything on cable anymore (except baseball, of course!). ...

@Nammu I pay $8.99/month for Netflix. So far, it's been worth paying for.

It’s not the cost that stops me I really am afraid it would be tempting to stay up watching tv instead of going to bed at a decent hour. I try really hard to keep myself on a schedule for sleep and if I’m not sleeping to stay in bed and zen. It’s much better for me. I’m really afraid if tv is an option that I’d choose that over self care. That could easily wire me up. Last night I couldn’t relax and zen or empty my thoughts so I gave up, but I usually don’t.and mindless tv would tempt me to watch.

I’m getting frustrated with this whole therapy situation. It should not be this hard for someone to answer me. I don’t have that ****** of a personality or that big of a diagnosis that I should be ghosted by 3 therapists at the same time. If my mental health didn’t suck and if my Pdoc didn’t want me in therapy so badly I wouldn’t do it. I’m just at a loss.

My PMDD is really bad for the second month in a row. I know last time I had that weird psych reaction from my second Covid shot. Then this month I’m dealing with all the post op pain and depression that goes along with the surgery. So it could be that these last two PMS’s were bad because of that stuff. But I am at the point where I am going to have to get a hysterectomy for my mental health’s sake. Because feeling like this for 10 days straight out of each month is really wearing me down. I have the name of a doctor I just have to wait until July when I get my new insurance to set up an appointment.

I don’t know how I’m going to make it through the night to be honest. I feel so sick both physically and mentally right now. I’ve had all my meds and a zofran. I’m not sure what else to do. If I go to sleep now I’ll be up most of the night and I don’t want another one like last night.

Good to know.

It’s tiring going to appointments. My brother told the diabetes coordinator that his blood sugar was 363 this morning but he felt insulin wasn’t necessary. The hospital said to bring him in above 350. Smh. I’ll have to stay on top of him. I hope we don’t have to go the dialysis route tomorrow per his nephrologist. I really hope not. One down and four to go.

Pretty good mood and good sleep. Just a tiring day and I couldn’t go float it out due to photo toxicity. Shame.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening and day tomorrow

I had a very beautiful week with my Daughter. She was able to able to sleep 12 hours a day and even naps. Something she was desperately in need of. The rest of the time we just talked and talked about childhood and current things in our lives.

10 seconds after dropping off her off at the deprature areas something was said that literally exploded my mind. I wanted out of the truck and considered just jumping while moving, I wont go into any specifics. I am still unable to deal with it and am taking Xanax around the clock. More than normal but it is needed right now If I dont sleep and sleep I am not sure I will stay safe.

I tried twice to call my T today to just leave a message that I am in Crisis but I can make it until our appointment on Wednesday. But none of my calls went through I live in a remote area. Then this Covid back in March 2020 went all phone sessions and eventually stupid Zoom session None of this has helped me at all. Our first in person session a month again ( wasnt every 2 weeks due to his vacation and mandatory training he had no choice but to go) Richard also hates Phoned the calls and Zoom.

I am not sure what to do at this point. I hope that my T and I can get back on track. I hope that what happened I can somehow put behind me. I thought my Rage-y since November was bad enough. But this??