Bipolar check-in #56

I hope the Lamictal comes through for you again. Perhaps a bit more time, or the next step up in dose, will make a difference. I remember when I went from 50 mg to 75 mg that my mood lifted noticeably. When my doc even increased it to 100 mg, he had to add a touch more antipsychotic because my mood suddenly jumped the other direction (hypomania). That need not happen, though. I'm glad I never needed more than 100 mg again. Above 100 mg and I noticed mild side effects. None at 100 mg.

I didn't see your post above until after I asked about you in your thread. Your post above answered some of my question, I guess.

I’m titrating back up after being off it . 100mg in 1 week and 2 days.

I’m still so nervous and stressed about this vacation. I just haven’t planned it myself and the fear of the loss of control is getting to me. When I plan a long weekend I feel like we have to be doing something every day all day. Vacations are not relaxing to me. When RS and I went away for our first anniversary to the mountains I felt like I had to make sure we were occupied. I thought he would be upset if we didn’t have anything to do. But I’m not in charge of this vacation and it’s for a whole week which I haven’t done in almost 20 years. I’m going to try to make a real effort to slow down and stay in the moment when I’m there.

I also just cannot stop obsessing about food and my weight. I put away the scale which is good because if I saw above a certain number I would cry. In terms of how my clothes fit they still fit the same so I can’t have gained too much. But I feel just awful. I cannot figure out how to eat healthy and still be happy with what I eat. Im having trouble with portion because I’m not measuring but if I do measure it will trigger me to be even more obsessed. I did buy little paper bowls which I think will at least help me portion out snacks like chips and crackers. I don’t need to measure obsessively, just throw a handful into the bowl. Maybe not good for the environment but I can only deal with one issue at a time!

My brother has reached out to me again, this time insisting we have a 'series of heart to hearts this summer' about emails LAST YEAR that were hurtful to him. E-mails he already had the opportunity to respond to, and with a great deal of anger, at the time.

I told him last year. I told him again recently, I will NOT meet with him in person. He flies into rages and gets very scary. My father is scared of him, my stepmother is, and my mother accused him of being abusive to her about 6 months before she passed away. his ex-wife accuses him of being abusive.

But the texts keep coming... It's awful. His behavior, his pattern of behavior, is a very long story, but it is harrowing.

I, of course, talk to my T about him, but also my pdoc. I'm fortunate in that my pdoc doesn't just refill meds, we really talk, for some 30-40 mins each time. I have talked about my brother extensively to her.

She had brought this up before, but this time was absolutely sure, that he has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. He needs and tries to get total control over me, through different means. This is true. My pdoc tells me I need to be strong with my boundaries and disengage when he barrages me with texts. When I spoke to her on Thursday, not for the first time, she said she was proud of me in how steadfast I am being with my boundaries with him.

I could not have done so without the consistent support of her, my T, and my best friend. He can be very hard to resist: he's my brother and I want to love him, he's very charismatic and can appear loving at times...

It's heartwrenching. I feel like I'm in an abusive relationship, though he is my brother.

He abused me as a child... I'm not ready to talk about it at any length with my T, so we did a guided imagery thing where I buried it in a chest with a lock at the bottom of the Monterey Bay, near where I used to live. One of these days, when I feel I finally can, I'll bring it up to the surface and open it. But for now, Pandora's box remains in the ocean.

He has been controlling me since I was a child. He crushes my soul. But my pdoc is right: I've gotten better and better at establishing and maintaining boundaries with him. Let's hope I will be able to hold fast.

Gabyunbound, that's great that both your tdoc and pdoc listen and provide therapy, even if the pdoc does more casually. My old pdoc was sort of a supplemental therapist for me. Actually, more of a dad figure.

What most inspired me to respond is that I can relate to your relationship with your brother. My brother can get scary sometimes, too. And for no good reason, many times. I think my brother has his own mental health issues and his experiences in life didn't do him all that good. My sister and I can only really discuss superficial things with him. Once any topic gets even slightly political, he gets scary. Unfortunately, he watches and participates in far right stuff. It's way too angry, way too discriminatory, and very often based on falsities and conspiracy theories. My brother has also had a lifetime tendency to tell lies and exaggerations. The worst part is that he even believes some of his own lies and stands behind his own odd contradictions. It's sad that he doesn't even seem to realize that others know what's going on. That he lies and bullBLANKS. It's sad that he thinks others, particularly women, are too naive/stupid to know the difference. He's always thought himself superior (maybe like a narcissist of sorts, like you say your brother is). Truth is, my brother is smart in many ways, but not all. And not educated sufficiently, in many. My bro spent far too many years underwater in a submarine to really understand certain crucial things about life and people of the world. I keep a certain distance from him. Being across the ocean helps.

@Gabyunbound Boundaries are hard to set at first, at least for me they are. But I find that once I set them it's easier to maintain them. I commend you for setting needed boundaries with your brother.

I’m numb today. My brain feels like it’s asleep. I can’t focus. I live alone and am on disability so I don’t have friends to talk to or spend time with. My usual tendency to drown my emotional pain in books or TV isn’t working because I just can’t muster the interest. I’m just sitting here staring out the window. I did manage to eat leftovers. What’s wrong with me?

Trintellix 20mg
Lamictal 200mg
Trazadone 100mg
Saphris 20mg

So I haven't heard from her or seen her post more about it on facebook- it's been what- 3 days now? Yes. Three days.

My teeth are fine. I almost don't want to get the permanent ones but the temp ones would break or come out eventually.

I live alone too. I try to arrange something to do every day with someone. But some days are just cleaning days. As a matter of fact, I'm coming up on needing to do laundry today or tomorrow.

She has been showing me her true colors for years. She's- more than once- told me the story about how she was mad a stranger at the laundromat so she bought a snickers bar and put it in with their clothes in a dryer! And she has told me similar threats that she's thought up. Leaves me hoping that she's all bark and no bite but you never know. And she will forever blame me for the fall of our relationship for ordering that steak.

Luckily, there is a door to the building that I have to open before she can get to my front door. I will have to figure out how to block her on facebook.

Day started out terrible. I woke at 7:30 was sure it was 7:30 PM. After rushing my dogs outside, coming back in to do my normal morning routine of meds and check my blood sugar, etc.. I realize it was AM

Everything is just off. I think I will have to make some decisions before my late July appt with this new NP.

I literally would steal a candy bar from a kid today and not even feel bad about it

I was on disability while raising my daughter alone and then went back to work . People would tell me every day “get a job”. Others would say it would help to have something to do , that I spent too much time on the internet. It’s tempting to go back on disability however I like not being on a fixed income . I was in recovery and went to church so I was not alone plus I had school functions to deal with.

Thanks. I just got my new insurance card today. Which is earlier then I expected. So I can start calling around on Monday to see who’s out there. My PMDD is actually very minor today compared to what it has been. Saturdays are usually really bad for me. I did ask my mom to continue to hold onto my meds since things can get bad at night.

Edit: things are a bit bad right now. I took a zofran since I was a bit nauseated and I think I’ll just take one melatonin and try to relax. I want to take a 4th Valium but I’m trying to use mindfulness and just wait it out until the feeling passes. I wonder if my increase in lamictal is causing an issue. This honestly started happening when I went up on my Geodon several months ago.

I ate a lot of fruits and vegetables along with my usual goldfish crackers and canned meat and oatmeal. So I feel like I was pretty healthy today. I didn’t go over the red or yellow parts on my Noom program.

I’ve had a good day so far. I’ve floated in the sun, eaten coconut shrimp, steamed broccoli and crispy brussel sprouts at Red Lobster and made good progress in getting the house ready for my daughter to come in on the 2nd.

Having said that, caregiving is getting on my last nerve today. The constant demands and requests for things they can and should do for themselves is bothering me. I’m usually more patient but not today. My daughter asked me what would happen if I cared for myself the way I do mom and brother. Major paradigm shift. Firmer boundaries incoming.

Thank you for your support when I was having SI the other day. I really appreciate it.

I hope everyone sees a better day soon. Hugs to all.

Well I’m absolutely exhausted, at the end of my work week. I want to get some cardio in so I’m thinking about riding my bike to a meeting later. I need to do chores at home and after being at work all day that’s the last thing I want to do. I could say more.

@leomama

I understand the feeling! My job is not physically taxing but it is emotionally draining and by the time I get home I am DONE. What I do is give myself one tv episode (however long that is) to relax and then haul myself up to make dinner and do some minor chores. I don’t go around deep cleaning but just here and there. I do think riding your bike is a great idea, I know I feel better when I get some exercise in!

Actually my job is physically and emotionally exhausting . I already got my steps and active minutes in for the day . Some people say they get their exercise in at work . Not me. Yeah I’m trying to do chores after having a snack. I don’t really eat dinner on work nights. I mean I had some multigrain bread with cream/ricotta cheese and smoked salmon so that’s kind of like dinner and I’ll have a grapefruit and maybe some broccoli with lemon juice. It’s just me so I don’t need to make dinner .

Ughh, I'm stuck. I really should give my meds to my mom but then I'd have to give ALL my meds to her including the old klonopin and other meds I've been stashing in my room. I'm okay with giving everything but hte klonopin up, but I'm not safe with the amount I have left. I'm thinking like take a couple pills out and put them with my pill boxes and just have that and if I run out I'll ask for more. She should understand that. I probably shouldn't even be taking the klonopin but I think last night it was safer than staying in an impulsive, rageful mode with suicidal ideation.
I gotta figure out something to do for the rest of the night. I have a drawing I've been working on but it kinda sucks and I started it at least three months ago and just tossed it aside but I want to finish something for once.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien Ughh, I'm stuck. I really should give my meds to my mom but then I'd have to give ALL my meds to her including the old klonopin and other meds I've been stashing in my room. I'm okay with giving everything but hte klonopin up, but I'm not safe with the amount I have left. I'm thinking like take a couple pills out and put them with my pill boxes and just have that and if I run out I'll ask for more. She should understand that. I probably shouldn't even be taking the klonopin but I think last night it was safer than staying in an impulsive, rageful mode with suicidal ideation. I gotta figure out something to do for the rest of the night. I have a drawing I've been working on but it kinda sucks and I started it at least three months ago and just tossed it aside but I want to finish something for once.

I like your idea about the Klonopin. Did you end up working on your drawing?

Dreadfully hot temperatures. The early morning is the only time I can open windows, get some fresh air in my apartment, and the kitties love to sit in the windows and sniff the outside air. By 11a.m. it's close all windows, turn on a/c and fans for the rest of the day and night.


My level of anxiety is down - thank you perphenazine - although I do have waves of gripping anxiety each day. The difference is that the waves are slightly less intense, and tend to pass fairly quickly. I'm working on remembering to relax my shoulders and take calming breaths when I feel anxious.


I have put word to my apt. manager that I'd like to move within the complex to an upgraded apartment that's available. It would be $100 more/month, which worries me, but I so like the newer apartments, and they're easier to keep clean. It sounds like I'll be able to make the move, but I'm waiting for the final "yes."