[Moose72]

To anybody on disability who doesn't have a job: How do you fill your days? I feel like a retired person with no hobbies. Except, I DO have hobbies! I sing- at least to myself and/or in the shower. I am a good photographer- or so I am told- and I should do more of that! I'm wasting my days, I feel like. I'm not old, but not young. Anybody?

[leomama]

When I was on disability I was raising my daughter so there was always something to do. I’m thinking about going back on it because my job is so stressful and it’s making me very unhappy. Either that or go back to my old job that paid less and had no medical or dental benefits but was stress free.

[xRavenx]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I have no Magic words.. Do you have a T ? if so maybe get in sooner? Also with Pdoc or NP any sooner?

Did the Klonopin help? I sure hope so

I see my pdoc in a few weeks. I stopped seeing a T when I felt like I was saying the same thing over and over again and needed a break. Plus, I got to a point back then where I was doing relatively ok. But a lot of issues are resurfacing where I really should make an appointment with a T. The klonopin did help.

I didn't eat well yesterday, and once again, the food isn't agreeing with me (not the first time, and it certainly won't be the last)

I found out today that bipolar UK have a weekly service where they call people once a week (people who are isolated or vunnerable), so I'm going to call them this week to see if I can sign up. honestly it would be nice to talk to someone who gets it- and I've had good experiences with them when they did their mentoring service so I trust them on their word.

I have also been doing some more serious thinking about getting a dimentia test

I am not sure if I am overreacting or not, but it still feels like I'm losing my memory day by day

[Lizzie1813]

Originally Posted by Moose72

To anybody on disability who doesn't have a job: How do you fill your days? I feel like a retired person with no hobbies. Except, I DO have hobbies! I sing- at least to myself and/or in the shower. I am a good photographer- or so I am told- and I should do more of that! I'm wasting my days, I feel like. I'm not old, but not young. Anybody?

I’m the same. I do enjoy art, and I do some, but it’s not enough to fill the days. Some days, I don’t do any simply because my brain is foggy. I spend a lot of time watching Netflix out of boredom. I also feel like I’m wasting my life just watching the days roll by. I know I should be more active, but outside of manic and depressive episodes, I do tend to experience low level depression. I’d love to see some of your photographs if you’re willing to share.

I’m 48.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Moose72

To anybody on disability who doesn't have a job: How do you fill your days? I feel like a retired person with no hobbies. Except, I DO have hobbies! I sing- at least to myself and/or in the shower. I am a good photographer- or so I am told- and I should do more of that! I'm wasting my days, I feel like. I'm not old, but not young. Anybody?

I know what you mean. I feel like an old retiree...but I'm not old. In the past, I have done art work, but medication has flattened my creativity...I'm just blank. I'm almost always reading a book, which helps fill the time. Chores and errands, of course. Sometimes a movie or show. Usually a walk. Time online. Honestly, I look forward to the days when I have appointments because filling the time is difficult. There are a lot of days when I feel anxious and depressed just because I'm so isolated and the day is long and empty.

I'll be moving to a new apartment soon, so that will take up some days.

I'm hoping that my old NAMI group will start meeting in person again soon. I really miss that group.

I admire you for being as social as you are.

[Mountaindewed]

I met with my new therapist today. There is a definite difference between her and my last one. This one is only about 7 years older then me. I couldn’t really read her. She did that whole blank slate thing the whole time. She did smile a couple times though but didn’t really show any reactions when I said stuff. She wasn’t weird and she didn’t ask any strange questions. She asked a lot of questions though. I told her I was trans but she didn’t give her opinion on the matter. Today was like an intake session. I liked her though and she set up appointments through October. She kept calling my my mom “mom” and asked what I was on the Valium for. I briefly mentioned why I switched T’s. She’s way better then the other one.

I got a lot of grocery shopping done this morning before therapy. I tried going out to eat for lunch but there was a 2 hour wait. Apparently restaurants can’t get people to work. My uncle said where he lives there’s a 2 hour wait with reservations. I didn’t know it was so bad but I haven’t tried going out to eat in awhile.

I did good today though. I got to 2 stores and I watched TV before Walmart and before the other grocery store that was on the way to therapy. I feel a bit off right now but it’s not like how I have been feeling at this time. I think therapy helped. I haven’t thought about either of the old ones much.

I did take all 3 of my Valium and I feel kinda anxious still. I screwed with my Geodon again last night. Had a pretty fast heartbeat when I woke up at 10. I just took a 20 mil this morning. I’m gonna run out of those early if I’m not careful. I plan on taking just the 20 and 80 tonight and my melatonin’s. I wish I could ditch Geodon entirely. I wouldn’t be a direct danger to myself and I’d lose a ton of of weight fast. I did halfway mention the med situation today to my T. I said I sometimes take extra ones. No response or reaction from her.

[wildflowerchild25]

Uuuugh I am in such a bad mood. I woke up out of sorts. I was thinking of SH last night and thinking of just saying screw it, I feel like it, to hell with everything. So I woke up today with the same thoughts. I was already upset about food shopping and the dentist.

Then I actually went to the dentist and I’m even more upset. My bottom two front teeth are too far gone to save. I knew it was a problem but I didn’t realize it was that big of a problem. This is what I get for being afraid of the dentist and never going. Also what I get for getting my tongue pierced when I was 18. So they’re going to remove the teeth and I’ll get a bridge. Bridges cost anywhere from $2000 - $5000!!! My dental insurance is nonsense, it only pays for $1000 a year. How in the hell am I supposed to pay for a bridge, two inpatient stays, and outpatient treatment??? The only comfort I can take away is I have a $6000 out of pocket maximum so i won’t have to pay more than that, as if that’s a comfort.

All I can say is at least I feel like I’ve eaten semi well so far today. Mostly whole foods minus the two small churros.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I met with my new therapist today. There is a definite difference between her and my last one. This one is only about 7 years older then me. I couldn’t really read her. She did that whole blank slate thing the whole time. She did smile a couple times though but didn’t really show any reactions when I said stuff. She wasn’t weird and she didn’t ask any strange questions. She asked a lot of questions though. I told her I was trans but she didn’t give her opinion on the matter. Today was like an intake session. I liked her though and she set up appointments through October. She kept calling my my mom “mom” and asked what I was on the Valium for. I briefly mentioned why I switched T’s. She’s way better then the other one.

I got a lot of grocery shopping done this morning before therapy. I tried going out to eat for lunch but there was a 2 hour wait. Apparently restaurants can’t get people to work. My uncle said where he lives there’s a 2 hour wait with reservations. I didn’t know it was so bad but I haven’t tried going out to eat in awhile.

I did good today though. I got to 2 stores and I watched TV before Walmart and before the other grocery store that was on the way to therapy. I feel a bit off right now but it’s not like how I have been feeling at this time. I think therapy helped. I haven’t thought about either of the old ones much.

I did take all 3 of my Valium and I feel kinda anxious still. I screwed with my Geodon again last night. Had a pretty fast heartbeat when I woke up at 10. I just took a 20 mil this morning. I’m gonna run out of those early if I’m not careful. I plan on taking just the 20 and 80 tonight and my melatonin’s. I wish I could ditch Geodon entirely. I wouldn’t be a direct danger to myself and I’d lose a ton of of weight fast. I did halfway mention the med situation today to my T. I said I sometimes take extra ones. No response or reaction from her.

Good! I hope this T works out for you.

[leomama]

Yeah I have to see the dentist too to have two teeth removed and its one of the reasons I'm not quitting my job yet, the dental insurance, as well as the income.

[Moose72]

Just home from my mom's. I brought two of my plants there because they had outgrown their pots. Both are succulents- one is an aloe plant (there are actually two plants together), and some other type of succulent. Both plants liked their old pots. I hope they like the new ones. Just plain terracotta ones but with new dirt that's for succulents. I am looking forward to seeing them spread out and grow more now that they're in their bigger homes.

At the moment, I'm cooking carb-free pasta. Going to have it for dinner. Yesterday, I ate WAY too much so I've tried to eat a lot less today.

I'm listening to "English Anthems"- a 1993 recording of King's College Choir doing English anthems! I wish I could write music like this!

I came home and it was 88 in here! I now have the a/c on and a fan blowing on me and I washed my face and hands in cold water. I may break down and take a cool shower, though I am planning on taking a shower early tomorrow morning so my hair can be mostly dry when I get to the dentist.

It's already 5:40. I plan on going to bed early and hopefully getting some reading in. I haven't been very consistent with my reading lately. The other night, I went to the chat here and got talking until after midnight. And last night, I just couldn't sleep until after 1! This will not do! Maybe I will watch YouTube while I eat.

[Mountaindewed]

I feel unusually sick tonight. I have a wastebasket on my bed because I feel like throwing up. I didn’t take anything I shouldn’t have tonight. I don’t know how long things can catch up to you since I took extra stuff last night. Today I had about 980 calories today. I wasn’t hungry. My therapist didn’t ask at all about my eating habits or if I have or have had an ED. It’s not like I was hiding anything from her. She didn’t ask and I just forgot to mention that I diet and am strict with food. And also that taking extra meds often is because I’m trying to keep my hunger under control. But she didn’t say anything so I assume she doesn’t think I have an issue. I took a zofran so hopefully that helps with the nausea.

[Mountaindewed]

Can I sue my Pdoc for negligence? It’s not about the money I legit feel he’s irresponsible with my meds particularly benzos and at this point I’m concerned I’m going to end up in rehab. I told him I was completely out of control with my Xanax and his answer was to prescribe me the strongest benzo there is and one of the most addicting substances in the world.

Doctors get sued all the time for prescribing opiates. How is this any different?

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

Can I sue my Pdoc for negligence? It’s not about the money I legit feel he’s irresponsible with my meds particularly benzos and at this point I’m concerned I’m going to end up in rehab. I told him I was completely out of control with my Xanax and his answer was to prescribe me the strongest benzo there is and one of the most addicting substances in the world.

Doctors get sued all the time for prescribing opiates. How is this any different?

You can stop taking the pills. Just do it. Check into rehab if you need to. I was prescribed Ativan a few years ago- maybe 3 or 4- and I was prescribed a LOT. I took them when needed but before I knew it I was addicted. I know I was because, in a fit, I threw them all down the toilet at Starbucks. Flushed. Goodbye! But then I started having tremors and couldn't stop. My limbs were shaking and I couldn't settle down enough to sleep so there I was shaking rather violently and not able to sleep at all in the dark in the middle of the night. I'd say at this point, you should get help with quitting the pills- you don't want to go through the withdrawals like I did.

[Soupe du jour]

Last night we had pleasant visits with my husband's childhood friend, her adult son, and his sister and youngest nephew. We sat on the terrace above our garage eating open-faced sandwiches and then dessert. A while after that, my husband built a fire in a fire pit where we roasted fat sausages. The sun was shining nicely during the daytime, but in the later evening there were stars shining brightly in the sky. My sister-in-law and the childhood friend got a bit drunk, while the friend's adult son drank about two liters of orange juice. We originally thought we would do something with them today, but instead they are heading back north. The friend's son wants to return to Germany, where he's from.

I confess that I ate too much chocolate cake. I hadn't had any for a very long time. I'll freeze the rest. We still have around eight open-faced sandwiches left. That's going to be lunch and dinner again. Our guests refused to take any with them. It's now 10:30 am and my husband is still sleeping and snoring. I'm not sure what to do today, other than the small amount of cleanup that's left. Today is a Czech holiday.

I feel like an old woman- when I say old woman, about 90 or 100

body pain- pretty much crippling, yesterday restricting my movements for around 50/60 minutes. I could not do anything in that time

memory- shot. I can't even remember the basics. this morning I was in a panic because I couldn't remember what letter came after C (I had to google the alphabet, and felt so embarrassed) though I was the only person in the room, so no one knew..
mental health- wrecked. utterly wrecked, to the point where I'm getting no peace at all (yesterday I was talking to my bottle of hand sanitiser) giving a lecture about not wondering across the table on it's own, but to stay with all the other bottles
lately it really feels like the beginning of the end. it really does

[Sunflower123]

I feel like a yo-yo. Up and down. Up and down. My visit with my daughter this weekend was colored by that. I planned and badly needed a fun and uplifting weekend and that did not happen. The reverse in fact. I’ve reached the end of the line temporarily on my care giving duties. I’m not even able to retrieve the papers and mail. This morning mom and I are going to call in somebody from outside the family to come in and manage and help out with things.

I’m looking for a new therapist who can help with my thought patterns and SI. I’m also working out a sustainable routine for self care to get me back on my feet and beyond. I don’t think a medicine change would help at this time.

I hope I can get on an even keel soon and move forward with things.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Tuesday.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by raging vortex

I feel like an old woman- when I say old woman, about 90 or 100

body pain- pretty much crippling, yesterday restricting my movements for around 50/60 minutes. I could not do anything in that time

memory- shot. I can't even remember the basics. this morning I was in a panic because I couldn't remember what letter came after C (I had to google the alphabet, and felt so embarrassed) though I was the only person in the room, so no one knew..
mental health- wrecked. utterly wrecked, to the point where I'm getting no peace at all (yesterday I was talking to my bottle of hand sanitiser) giving a lecture about not wondering across the table on it's own, but to stay with all the other bottles
lately it really feels like the beginning of the end. it really does

I feel that "beginning of the end, " too. But honestly, I believe depression fools us into thinking the worst.

[Fuzzybear]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I feel that "beginning of the end, " too. But honestly, I believe depression fools us into thinking the worst.

I also feel that depression tricks us into thinking the worst.

[Mountaindewed]

Today I’ve been doing ok. I haven’t taken any Valium yet. I took my Geodon around 4:30 and I fell back asleep for an hour. I went to Sonic as usual. They have these red white and blue slushes which have strawberries on the top, ice cream in the middle, and then a blue slushy on the bottom. I only eat the strawberries and ice cream. I went to a few stores because I’m out of zero sugar soda and I needed a boogie board for my trip and my mom needed a beach hat and a beach bag. I went to a few stores including Target and Walmart. At Walmart I found 3 of the cases I was looking for. But one of them rang up at $10. The others rang up at $4.88 and 3.48. So my mom asked the self checkout lady who did absolutely nothing. She asked some dude but he was on break and then she just ignored us. So we went to a person and it rang up as $10 too. He asked someone about it and she said “yeah that’s the price.” Now I am a big believer that the customer is not always right but that for sure shouldn’t have rang up at $10 and I didn’t understand why they weren’t helpful at all. Did they really believe that price? I didn’t make a fuss I just didn’t buy it. Then I went to another store and I found the same soda for $5.49. And it rang up right.

I just find the Walmart situation weird.

But so far today I’m ok and my moods and anxiety are fine. But they may very well get pretty bad as the day goes on.

[Fuzzybear]

I'm doing ''ok'' I guess.....

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Moose72

You can stop taking the pills. Just do it. Check into rehab if you need to. I was prescribed Ativan a few years ago- maybe 3 or 4- and I was prescribed a LOT. I took them when needed but before I knew it I was addicted. I know I was because, in a fit, I threw them all down the toilet at Starbucks. Flushed. Goodbye! But then I started having tremors and couldn't stop. My limbs were shaking and I couldn't settle down enough to sleep so there I was shaking rather violently and not able to sleep at all in the dark in the middle of the night. I'd say at this point, you should get help with quitting the pills- you don't want to go through the withdrawals like I did.

I’m worried I’ll be a danger to myself and possibly others if I just stop taking them cold turkey. I’m trying to just cut down for right now. I haven’t had any today. I wish I could just go to one a day. I only took one .5 Xanax for maintenance for a long time until I just suddenly needed more last fall.

[MuddyBoots]

So agitated and restless, I'm doing such a bad job at resting my hip. Went for an easy walk this morning where I felt it but it didn't hurt too much, then I paced around the house for 5 hours and did a little dancing too. I'm icing it right now. It's going to be hot and humid today. Hopefully we'll get some storms. I don't know if I can make it two weeks to my next therapy session and the phone call with the aprn. I ate over the weekend with my mom stuffing food in my face, but yesterday I only had a green smoothie and haven't eaten anything yet today. I could use the weight loss though, this is a welcome other side of the pendulum from when I was on Seroquel. It's just I get so dizzy now. I'm too busy pacing and being distracted by my thoughts to remember to even have ensures or instant breakfasts. Oh, on my walk today I think I heard a moose so that was cool. didn't see him though.

[Lizzie1813]

Today, my brain is blank. I’m just sitting here staring into space. Nothing holds my interest today: books, YouTube, Netflix…I emailed my estranged son’s father to check on him. D is 19. His dad said he’s doing well and is getting ready to start college. D had planned to enroll in an automotive program, but he’s happy at Starbucks and is considering a degree in management. I miss him so much. My daughter (22) will start her first teaching job in August. I’m glad my kids are happy. I just wish I was a part of my son’s life. I talk to my therapist at 3:00 today. I want to get her advice on moving past my guilt and regret from all the ways my illness (depression, in particular) kept me from being there for my kids sometimes. Has anyone else learned how to do that? Wisdom is welcome.