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#226
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THrough everything I'm finishing up the touches on figuring myself out. I need a girlfriend. I don't think I can date guys anymore. I like these parasites I feel so spiritual, like I finally understand things. Hugs to all who want them. Injection day tomorrow, wonder if my mom will take off work to bring me or she'll give me my keys back. I hope it's the latter so I can go to the park. I have a secret spot I found with millions of ticks but it's goodf or reading and writing and drawing so I have to spill something honest and inspired. Maybe a beach day? One more hour before she wakes up and I can make noise.
holy f*** is running at 4am scary in the dark and the rain.
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"I don't know what I'm looking for." "Why not?" "Because...because...I think it might be because if I knew I wouldn't be able to look for them." "What, are you crazy?" "It's a possibility I haven't ruled out yet," Last edited by MuddyBoots; Jul 12, 2021 at 03:31 AM. |
![]() *Beth*, Anonymous45023, Fuzzybear, Mountaindewed, Nammu, Sunflower123, wildflowerchild25, ~Christina
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#227
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Hubby has an eye appointment today. The first in Czech Republic. Yesterday we picked up our first insured medications from a pharmacy. The total copay was 80 czk (US $3.69) but only that high because one of the two meds was a particularly expensive one. Our GP prescribed prescription Voltaren pills to try to address my arm/shoulder issue. It's sort of a pain killer, but I take it more to reduce the inflammation that continues. So far it seems to be helping with that. Plus, I didn't have the numbness/tingling in my hands upon waking up. I truly think the fall on my s-i-l's stairs almost a year ago, plus the physical strain from the move, caused/exacerbated the injury. Way back when it happened, I had gone for an x-ray upon returning to the US. No bone break/fracture was found, but something was indeed wrong.
I got on the scale today and found I had gained back about three of the over four pounds I lost a few weeks ago. I hoped it wouldn't be so, but I understand why it is. I've been chowing down on certain higher cal/fat foods (back to bad habits). Unfortunately, the visit from my husband's friend and sister knocked me off the bandwagon. I'll be trying to get back on. Last edited by Soupe du jour; Jul 12, 2021 at 03:21 AM. |
![]() *Beth*, Lizzie1813, Mountaindewed, MuddyBoots, Nammu, Sunflower123, ~Christina
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![]() ~Christina
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#228
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italy won the euros
I'll take that... I am glad that they won. from what I hear it was pretty close on penalties, but us winning would have sent me in to meltdown, I think. so tired of football it hurts. raining today. 63 percent chance of rain today, now 100 percent chance (an that's gone up from 51 percent chance) KFC later nothing in between time.. |
![]() *Beth*, Mountaindewed, MuddyBoots, Sunflower123, ~Christina
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#229
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I'm awake at 3 a.m. because of pain. A week or so ago I yawned and heard my left jaw make a "crack" sound. Since then my jaw is in fairly severe pain. From what I've read online, I've caused myself to have TMJ. I'm about over the edge with the pain. I'd plan to see my GP, but I really don't know what she can do...it seems this will just take time to heal itself.
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![]() Anonymous45023, Fuzzybear, Lizzie1813, Mountaindewed, MuddyBoots, Nammu, Soupe du jour, Sunflower123, ~Christina
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#230
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My jaw locked open one time after yawning. It was scary.
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"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka |
![]() *Beth*
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![]() *Beth*
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#231
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I think I’m slipping into a depressive episode. This is coming after my recent mania. I don’t have any energy. I feel numb because I watch so much TV to avoid thinking about my son not wanting me in his life. When I talk to my therapist every week, I cry pretty much the entire time. In the mornings, it takes real effort to get out of bed. My therapist gave me some modules on bipolar, and two of them are about depression. One emphasizes the need for activities. I know I should clean or make art, but I’m tired.
How is everyone else doing? I’ll share the link to the module on strategies for managing bipolar depression. There are 8 bipolar modules in all. https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/-/m...Depression.pdf |
![]() *Beth*, Anonymous45023, Fuzzybear, ~Christina
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![]() *Beth*
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#232
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#233
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I am sooo moody today. Plus I’m being kind of hypocritical. This morning I woke up and I felt great. Then an hour or so later I started to feel kinda ******. So I took my first Valium which just made my anxiety worse. My mom wanted to leave for the stores but I really wanted to see the rest of Father Knows Best. So I held things up for about 15 minutes. Then we went to Sonic because I like their ice cream. And then we went to Walmart and I was getting annoyed because I think I’ve said on this thread before that it takes forever to shop with her because she compares prices and can’t make up her mind and it just takes forever. We needed sun tan lotion and she was just complaining the whole time. She was asking me where stuff was. Like I would know. We went to TJ Maxx and I picked out a pair of Guess sunglasses quickly. I didn’t have to try on a million pairs multiple times like she would have. I just got what looked good, quickly glanced at the price, then left. I swear she has OCD. Although I do admit I held things up in the first place and I was being pretty crabby.
I’m still doing good with the 160 mil Geodon at night. I’m losing weight fast. But I don’t know if all the Geodon at night and none in the morning is why my anxiety has been so sucky lately. I take Valium and they go right through me. But it’s like I don’t even get any relief when I do take my Geodon at night. So I’m not sure what’s up. I seem to recall this massive anxiety starting before the Geodon thing started.
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"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka Last edited by Mountaindewed; Jul 12, 2021 at 12:23 PM. |
![]() *Beth*
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![]() leomama
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#234
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It's good that you're in therapy. I'm ''ok'' today, apart from anxiety and some frustration at some people.
Is it possible to engage in an activity which gives some positive payback, rather than thinking you ''should'' engage in this activity? I know this can be difficult or even impossible when severely depressed. If I was a therapist, I would count almost any activity as a plus which would get you away from the TV for a while. I have never engaged in the TV as a distraction from depression (or any other painful mood disorder) A mean T actually complimented me for that. Not a compliment as it was said in a mean tone of voice but still.... However a family member used the TV to excess and for much less of a ''good'' reason than you, imo. I'm sorry you're struggling. Thanks for sharing. And thanks again for the link, I think it will be useful to many reading ![]() ![]() ![]() Quote:
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![]() Lizzie1813, wildflowerchild25
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![]() *Beth*, Lizzie1813
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#235
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Thank you, Md. That does sound really scary!
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#236
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I agree with fuzzy bear, anything productive in a depression is a win. Maybe you put the laundry in. Maybe you do some self care. Maybe all you do is move from the bedroom to another area in the hous and sit up for awhile. It all counts at this point.
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
![]() Fuzzybear
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![]() *Beth*, Fuzzybear
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#237
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![]() Fuzzybear
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#238
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Mountaindewed, do you think you are at all enmeshed with your mom? |
#239
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Is 3 Valium in an hour life threatening? My anxiety is out of control and I guess I am too a bit.
I just took a 20mil Geodon too. I just want some ****ing relief. I filled my med box for my trip. I put in all my usual stuff. Then I threw in a couple extra Valium and I put in Tylenol, zofran, and Pepcid just in case I may need any of that while we’re gone for 3 nights. I forgot I’ll need to add melatonin too. I also would have forgotten my swim trunks if my mom didn’t remind me to put them in the beach bag. Edit: Now my anxiety is ok but I’m a bit lethargic.
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"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka Last edited by Mountaindewed; Jul 12, 2021 at 01:48 PM. |
![]() *Beth*
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#240
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I’m not exactly sure what that word means and I did also Google it. But I guess I just get frustrated with her all the time when I shouldn’t. She’s almost 70 and I’m getting pissed at everything she’s been doing when I should try to be more understanding that maybe she’s just getting older. It’s tough though.
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"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka |
![]() leomama
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#241
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I didn’t mean you were frustrated with her, I meant intertwined, mutually dependent , fused boundaries . She seems very supportive of your transition, and accommodating of your disabilities, which isn’t always the case with people in that age demographic. She doesn’t have a partner/boyfriend/husband? |
#242
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I am like 100% terrified right now because there is a severe thunderstorm going on and for some reason I had a bunch of dreams last night about tornadoes and trying to stay safe and not being able to. Very terrible coincidence. However there is no tornado watch or warning up and tornadoes are very rare in my state, especially in tight suburbs where I am. It really wouldn’t have much space to gather strength and touch down. The storm is already moving out anyway.
Otherwise I am feeling a bit depressed today. I have self harm urges but as long as I hold my unicorn they aren’t very strong. I’m recriminating myself again for the choice and volume of food I ate at the fair. Yesterday I also ate poorly. I haven’t had much of an appetite today but I am forcing myself to eat regular small snacks and lunch because if I don’t I will get so hungry later that I won’t be able to make good choices. I also feel like I don’t really belong in the group I’m in. Not that I don’t need it, more like I don’t seem to have the connections with people like the other group members do. I don’t usually let my stone cold heart make connections with people anyway but it would be nice even if we don’t stay in touch. There’s one woman I connect with because I understand her feelings of anxiety and paranoia but I don’t know if it’s returned. I don’t suppose it really matters, we’re all there for ourselves anyway right?
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Of course it is happening inside your head. But why on earth should that mean that it is not real? -Albus Dumbledore That’s life. If nothing else, that is life. It’s real. Sometimes it f—-ing hurts. But it’s sort of all we have. -Garden State |
![]() *Beth*, Anonymous45023, Fuzzybear, MuddyBoots, Soupe du jour, ~Christina
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#243
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#244
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![]() ![]() ''There's one woman I connect with because I understand her feelings of anxiety and paranoia but I don't know if it's returned'' I've been thinking about this, I think it's interesting and even could apply to an online forum. Are people only there for ourselves? Maybe some are. I can relate to it re another online forum I was on for a while. I connected with one woman for a very similar reason. I later found out she didn't connect with me. She was the ghoster I mentioned before (maybe last year). She seemed to be emotionally intelligent but now I'm not sure. Anyway I don't go there any more. Maybe over time you might find out more about this person. ![]() ![]() ![]()
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![]() wildflowerchild25, ~Christina
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![]() *Beth*, wildflowerchild25
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#245
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I am beyond lethargic right now and I have a headache. I don’t know if it’s med related or caffeine withdrawal related. But it’s not even 4 yet and I am super worn out I’m just lazing around on the rocking chair half asleep. My mom wants to go out to lunch and dinner and do all kinds of stuff these next few days which I’m just not into. The weather will not be good so it doesn’t look like we’ll have a lot of beach time. I wish I could just be lethargic at the beach all day instead of actually doing stuff.
I was reading something online about how a trans man had a hysterectomy. Insurance covered it because he was trans. And after 2 months he knew he made the right choice and his body and emotions were no longer riding the roller coaster of testosterone and estrogen and he finally feels stable in a mans body. It’s a different experience when you have both testosterone and estrogen in you vs just estrogen. The affects of a hysterectomy are very helpful. I feel really goofy right now. I took my meds and melatonin but I don’t think it’s that. I think it’s caffeine withdrawals mostly. I haven’t had soda in several days and I only had one watered down iced tea today.
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"Good morning starshine.... the earth says hello"- Willy Wonka Last edited by Mountaindewed; Jul 12, 2021 at 04:41 PM. |
![]() *Beth*, MuddyBoots
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#246
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Hi all. I feel a bit off today. Too much caffeine and not enough substantial food I think is part of it. I had my neuropsych test results today and have mixed feelings. Of course I am glad to know I do not appear to have a major memory problem or something, but they explained I probably just am anxious and a perfectionist and being too hard on myself and should see a therapist. This is actually all quite true and applicable to some aspects of things, but a lot of what I am complaining about is more about issues affecting my quality of life that are not necessarily tied to my anxiety. Like, getting lost in places I have been so many times, brain fog, problems paying attention and recalling anything I have learned or that I have met people. They said I don't seem to have attention problems from the test, but in daily life I feel like I do and several people in my family have ADHD. I am frustrated because I have at the moment run out of things to work on in therapy and based on a discussion with my therapist was going to take a break, but now I am being told I should do more therapy for anxiety to help these perceived cognitive issues.
Okay enough of that rant, sorry just frustrated. On a more positive note I am going to work on getting back into being more physically active. It does wonders for all my issues, and while I have some physical limitations I know I am not doing as much as I could. That and eating better. Speaking of which I am super hungry and going to get some food. That should probably help my mood, too. Hope everyone has a good night! |
![]() *Beth*, Anonymous45023, Fuzzybear, MuddyBoots, wildflowerchild25, ~Christina
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![]() *Beth*, ~Christina
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#247
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Ugh Ugh Ugh Thank you hun ![]()
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Helping others gets me out of my own head ~ |
![]() *Beth*, Anonymous45023, Fuzzybear, MuddyBoots, Nammu
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#248
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![]() ![]() It's great that you're going to work on getting back into being more physically active. I need to work on more physical activity too. Eating regularly does help my mood (usually) I hope you enjoy your meal ![]()
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![]() yellow_fleurs, ~Christina
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![]() yellow_fleurs, ~Christina
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#249
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![]() ![]() Hugs to you! ![]() ![]() ![]()
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![]() ~Christina
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![]() ~Christina
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#250
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![]() ![]() I agree that 5 plus days are too long. It's scary when they insist on stopping benzos when this is the only med that isn't unsafe, for US. This has not happened to me (yet) although a couple of doctors have tried...
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![]() *Beth*, MuddyBoots, ~Christina
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![]() *Beth*, ~Christina
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