[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25

Work has gone well for the first week. Fingers crossed we’ll have a relatively calm classroom. At least not violent. I’ve been told my student sometimes gets internally triggered and starts sobbing and screaming out of nowhere but she’s not aggressive. I can handle raw emotional pain, lots of experience in that area.

She’s actually very sweet, I feel really bad for her because it’s clear she’s not sure what’s real and what’s not. A lot of it due to gaslighting from her family. She really needs to have someone to talk to who won’t judge her it seems. Enter me!

I was ok for most of the day but I just got a notification that there is already a case of covid at my son’s school. Now listen, last year I was nervous but it was like oh well, all we can do is stay as safe as possible. But I am FURIOUS because there was an “unmask the children” protest put on by parents at my son’s school today.

I’m not going to get into it here because I know it’s a push button topic but I am SO ANGRY.

I just hope they release a vaccine for younger children ASAP. I need him to have at least some protection among the selfish morons.

Hey there, wfc

[Mountaindewed]

It’s just my mom has been asking me to lift a lot of heavy stuff lately. And it’s too heavy for me and I am in pain for a couple days after. She won’t ever get my brother who’s a lot bigger to help her. Ever. All he does is sit in front of the TV. She has this idea of hers that because I’m shorter and a lot smaller then he is that I’m stronger as well. But I’m not. That stuff is ****ing difficult for me to lift and I’ve just had it with all this moving around crap. At work we are always supposed to tell when something is too heavy. My mom just dismisses my pain and feelings and says “oh come on.”

[*Beth*]

I'm feeling so anxious. Part of it is because I know I need to begin home testing my diabetic kitty's blood glucose, but I'm very nervous about doing it. I lack confidence and I'm afraid of hurting her. Yet, giving her her insulin shot twice a day is no big deal.

I'm scared of dying. I think about it far too much.

[Mountaindewed]

I took 3 Valium and 180 mil of Geodon in the last hour. 2 Valiums I took at one time just a minute ago. I’ve taken 6 today. That’s the most I’ve ever taken in a day. Why can’t I get any relief from anything and why am I so angry today? I am going to completely sabotage my surgery if I don’t get this under control. Like will insurance really pay for a surgery if your not mentally stable? Most likely not. I’ll probably have to wait until Monday to hear from the doctors about the insurance. And I have a therapy appointment that day too. But how am I supposed to cope for 2 days with bad anxiety and severe anger and no support besides a mother who is pissed off at me?

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

So I've mentioned that my previous pdoc suddenly left her job at the clinic. I miss her very much. I needed a refill for an AD yesterday, so contacted the new (obnoxious) pdoc. Rather, DO - she's not even a pdoc. She said she would refill the prescription, but "unlike Dr. W. she does not give multiple refills; in fact, she doesn't give extra refills at all."

WTH?! First, Dr. W did not give extra refills...1 at most...I always had to hassle for s med refill to be sent in. This new one is a real dilly. The clinic claims they're hiring a new (another) pdoc soon, and that I have the option to transfer to that one if I wish (because I made a grand complaint about the current bozo).

Nothing more fun than having a jerk for a pdoc

My Pdoc retired at the end of May and I had been flipped to a NP ( my nerves were a total wreck waiting) So far things are going well and she was able to give me my typical 3 month refills.

I'm hoping that you can get back to local permanent Pdoc and things chill out.

[~Christina]

Originally Posted by BethRags

I'm feeling so anxious. Part of it is because I know I need to begin home testing my diabetic kitty's blood glucose, but I'm very nervous about doing it. I lack confidence and I'm afraid of hurting her. Yet, giving her her insulin shot twice a day is no big deal.

I'm scared of dying. I think about it far too much.

I understand your dealing with anxiety over checking the Blood sugar. It's really a very simple thing to do and with time you will be able to do it in a flash and not even think about it. Your baby will forget it even happened in mere moments.

[~Christina]

Fibromyalgia, Auditory and now Visual hallucinations have won the day. Fibro sucks because all you want to do is stay in bed but often its impossible to find any kind of comfortable position. I'm going to take an Ambien tonight in hopes I can better sleep and a whole lot less Flip flopping.

[Victoria'smom]

"Anna" is back, not much fun. I'm kinda relieved that the meds didn't take her away for ever. My head's loud too. Which can go away any time. Other than that I'm having a good time camping with my family.

[Moose72]

I spent the day relaxing. I watched Star Trek the next generation. I met my friend at Starbucks for all of maybe 15 minutes. She had to go get ready for her trip to see her boyfriend- a 5 hour drive. She just saw him last weekend. That's a lot of gas money! I picked up N3 from work and we went to the grocery store - we got a few things and then checked out. We drove to my place and I put my groceries away then I took him home. I'd called my mom to tell her how big the wall is where my couch is because we had talked about getting a couch for N3 and S but my mom went on a grumpy diatribe about how there's no place to put a couch as N1 has her couch in my mom's garage. I don't know why she was so angry at me. I'm just trying to help N3.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by ~Christina

I understand your dealing with anxiety over checking the Blood sugar. It's really a very simple thing to do and with time you will be able to do it in a flash and not even think about it. Your baby will forget it even happened in mere moments.

Thank you!! I trust your experience over anyone else's I've heard


I so hope you're getting some good sleep.

[Sunflower123]

This is the second to last day at the pool so I’ll stay down there most of the day. It will be beautiful weather. The day before yesterday was the most perfect day of summer. Moderate breeze, cloudless blue skies, golden sunshine, turquoise water. I was there for 6 hours by myself. It was incredible. I really don’t know what I’ll do when it closes. I’m making a list.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

[Blue_Bird]

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967

This is the second to last day at the pool so I’ll stay down there most of the day. It will be beautiful weather. The day before yesterday was the most perfect day of summer. Moderate breeze, cloudless blue skies, golden sunshine, turquoise water. I was there for 6 hours by myself. It was incredible. I really don’t know what I’ll do when it closes. I’m making a list.

I hope everyone has a great weekend.

That sounds really nice, I hope you enjoy your last two days and find something fun to do once it closes

[Blue_Bird]

Good morning

I am taking a walk to CVS later to pick up my meds. Woke up at 5:45am today, happy about that because I love waking up early. I have had/am having a peaceful morning. I'm making that crockpot buffalo ranch chicken hoagie recipe today, hope it comes out well! While that's cooking I'm going to clean my apartment because I've been slacking on that.

Did some mindfulness meditation this morning. Also did listened to my daily Bible study podcast.

I'm going over to my sister's tomorrow to hang out. It will be nice, we haven't hung out in awhile. Will be cool to see her new place since she moved.

Hoping to get some reading done today after I'm done cleaning

Hope everyone is doing alright

[Soupe du jour]

I'm glad to read that things are going a little better for some here, lately. I hope that continues and that others can soon experience the same.

@Beth Rags, anxiety is a real b***ch! I'm assuming that's what is behind your recent fear of death. I have intermittent periods like that. Intermittent, at least. I hope the cause of such a fear eases for you soon.

@~Christina, does you doctor know what's causing the hallucinations? Are you in a clear bipolar episode? Or could it be something else? I am convinced that bipolar disorder can show itself in some pretty odd ways, sometimes. I know I went thought some very odd periods in the past. They did eventually pass. But the waiting is always touch. Sending hugs.

Luckily, Hubby and I are indeed relaxing today. All I've done is house tidying and a little cooking, which are feel good tasks. It's almost 24 hours after my hair was done and I'm liking it even more. It does sometimes take a couple days to really know if you like it. I went from medium brownish auburn to between light and medium brown with lightish highlights. Next time I'll ask for more light highlights. The stylist suggested doing so gradually, to avoid hair damage.

We'll be heading to the Slovak mountains in about a week. I already created my packing list. Besides packing, all that needs doing is laundry. I am waiting for a new pair of hiking pants to arrive. I bought one last week at a local sports store, but got tempted by one at Amazon.de. Hubby doesn't know about the latter. Actually, I've been spending more than my norm. I questioned Hubby about my mood. He said no elevation, but recognizes that the extra Lamictal lifted me out of the mood slump. It's still good to check. I will curb the spending. I spent over 200 Euros this month on culinary stuff. My passion. My sister-in-law said she'd like our old "partial" set. Now I feel a bit frivolous, but his sister does need more "matching" dinnerware. She's far from financially strapped, but it's obviously not her priority to buy a new one.

[Mountaindewed]

My mom and I are talking now. Although I don’t think things are totally ok between us. I asked if she needed any help with anything and she originally said no. Then just now she told me I can clean out the bathtub in a bit. I feel more stable today then I did yesterday. I’m watching 2 international versions of my favorite TV show. The Australian version and the Holland version. I’m also listening to my “it’s just a story” podcast and I’m listening to one now that is over 2 hours long. Almost 2.5 hours. It burns when I go to the bathroom so I think the ultrasound kind of messed things up a bit. I’ve read that it is not quite normal to have this happen but I’ve just been ignoring it and hoping it will go away.

But basically I’m just trying to get by this weekend with distraction and doing chores.

This morning I googled a bit ftm hysterectomies. They say recovery is pretty tough. Something about air pockets that you can feel all over and they just hurt like hell. But some people grew more body hair, some people lost weight, for some people it was easier to lose weight. I didn’t see anything about weight gain. The best one I’ve read was that one guys mood swings were visibly lessened a few days after the surgery. So I’m hoping that is what is going to happen to me since I’m mainly having this surgery so I can be more stable mental health wise. And my doctor told me that will happen.

My therapist responded to an email I had sent. I just mentioned the things I wanted to discuss on Monday so I wouldn’t forget. She replied back and said we could absolutely discuss them. She said to have a nice weekend.

I wish she was that helpful and reassuring in person besides just in emails. But it’s nice that she replied back during the weekend. I do like this therapist a lot but we just don’t see eye to eye on topics that are really important for me. She has good suggestions on some things. But doesn’t give much feedback on other thing things that I need help with.

[Kelly68]

Originally Posted by Moose72

I'm wondering if being diagnosed as Bipolar 2 takes just one episode of hypomania to diagnose? If this is the case, then you can still be considered bipolar, even though you only notice depressive episodes.

Thank you, I hadn't thought of it that way. I was just wondering though if seroquel was making me more down, but there were many years before when I was taking it I wasn't more depressed than the usual.

and thanks for the welcome from people here, you all seem to be a great community that cares.
I haven't felt like coming online much. I posted here before but sometimes weeks go by.

I feel a bit better today, I finally got 2 friends in life that responded about having a visit. I don't like being the one to always remember to reach out and keep in touch with them, but that's just what I have to do if I want to see them. I have that to look forward to now.

[*Beth*]

Originally Posted by Kelly68

....

Welcome, Kelly

[Soupe du jour]

@Mountaindewed, I hope that your new therapist will become even more supportive. I can't speak for you, but from my perspective you are embarking on some mighty major new territory to process. Certainly one I would think would require an extremely helpful mental healthcare team. I can't help but wonder the full scope of what you are feeling about your upcoming surgery. Do you feel an anticipation for what you hope to be relief? It would seem to me something way beyond most other categories of surgical procedures...psychologically speaking.

You're still so young. I'm sorry that you might experience discomforts that wouldn't normally be present at your age. I do hope the surgery "relieves" far more than any possible challenges (even temporary ones) that might result. Certainly self medicating with benzos and other psychotropics is not an adequate substitution for careful therapeutic processing. Perhaps you might discount my writing that, but I know a whole lot about "self-medicating". Many more years than you've likely done so. I'm 50, not in my 20s or 30s anymore.

I certainly don't fully understand the journey you've been taking, and will take. For that reason, I don't often respond to your posts. I'm stumped for what to write. But regardless, I do send you hugs and strength for your journey. And hope you are truly ready for the next steps. Just bipolar disorder, alone, can be a unique (to each person) and highly challenging one. Certainly a sore throat from a possible GA intubation would be among the very least of concerns, to my perspective. But again, I am not in your shoes.

[Mountaindewed]

I’ve been super paranoid lately ever since I looked at a couple mild videos on porn hub a few weeks ago. My therapist and people on here said I’m fine. But I reset my phone so it deleted everything. Then I got paranoid today for no reason and I tried deleting it again and I had to log into all my stuff again. Same as last time. But this time my Google search history was still up. And I don’t get how you can hit the reset button but everything is still there when you go on the internet. It’s just creepy. I had to manually delete everything I looked for. Which was all dumb stuff like SpongeBob stuff or when stores open. But I’ve just been paranoid among other things.

I have this fear about government watch lists and the FBI spying and tracking you on your phone. I know that seems like bad paranoia but I do believe it.

[Mountaindewed]

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour

@Mountaindewed, I hope that your new therapist will become even more supportive. I can't speak for you, but from my perspective you are embarking on some mighty major new territory to process. Certainly one I would think would require an extremely helpful mental healthcare team. I can't help but wonder the full scope of what you are feeling about your upcoming surgery. Do you feel an anticipation for what you hope to be relief? It would seem to me something way beyond most other categories of surgical procedures...psychologically speaking.

You're still so young. I'm sorry that you might experience discomforts that wouldn't normally be present at your age. I do hope the surgery "relieves" far more than any possible challenges (even temporary ones) that might result. Certainly self medicating with benzos and other psychotropics is not an adequate substitution for careful therapeutic processing. Perhaps you might discount my writing that, but I know a whole lot about "self-medicating". Many more years than you've likely done so. I'm 50, not in my 20s or 30s anymore.

I certainly don't fully understand the journey you've been taking, and will take. For that reason, I don't often respond to your posts. I'm stumped for what to write. But regardless, I do send you hugs and strength for your journey. And hope you are truly ready for the next steps. Just bipolar disorder, alone, can be a unique (to each person) and highly challenging one. Certainly a sore throat from a possible GA intubation would be among the very least of concerns, to my perspective. But again, I am not in your shoes.

I don’t understand your last question or remark on your last first paragraph. Where you said Beyond most other categories of surgical procedures.

What would your concerns be besides a sore throat?

Right now I have both testosterone and estrogen in me. The way my doctor who explained the surgery to me says that both the testosterone and the estrogen are fighting each other and making me very unstable mentally. After the hysterectomy and the removal of everything, I’ll only have the testosterone to deal with. Therefore I will finally be stable mental health wise and be able to continue to live my life as a man.

FTM who take testosterone and get hysterectomies are way different then cis women in their 50’s and 60’s getting hysterectomies.

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I don’t understand your last question or remark on your last first paragraph. Where you said Beyond most other categories of surgical procedures.

What would your concerns be besides a sore throat?

Right now I have both testosterone and estrogen in me. The way my doctor who explained the surgery to me says that both the testosterone and the estrogen are fighting each other and making me very unstable mentally. After the hysterectomy and the removal of everything, I’ll only have the testosterone to deal with. Therefore I will finally be stable mental health wise and be able to continue to live my life as a man.

FTM who take testosterone and get hysterectomies are way different then cis women in their 50’s and 60’s getting hysterectomies.

Sorry, Mountaindewed. By "other categories", I was referring to something like a hernia operation or hip replacement operation.

I fear that I might have angered you, when I didn't mean to. For that reason, I'll not mention this again and will keep any future comments/responses more superficial. I do know how to do that. I hope my well-wishes are still welcome, though.

[*Beth*]

As I see it, Md, your trans is totally in a different category from your self-medicating. I'm totally comfortable with your process of transitioning, I know several women who have transitioned to males. I do worry about your self-medicating. I'm not afraid of discussing either one with you. And yeah, when you have various hormones at high levels going on in your body it makes perfect sense that you're going to feel somewhat whacked up, until the transition is complete and things have settled down...which will happen.

[Moose72]

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed

I’ve been super paranoid lately ever since I looked at a couple mild videos on porn hub a few weeks ago. My therapist and people on here said I’m fine. But I reset my phone so it deleted everything. Then I got paranoid today for no reason and I tried deleting it again and I had to log into all my stuff again. Same as last time. But this time my Google search history was still up. And I don’t get how you can hit the reset button but everything is still there when you go on the internet. It’s just creepy. I had to manually delete everything I looked for. Which was all dumb stuff like SpongeBob stuff or when stores open. But I’ve just been paranoid among other things.

I have this fear about government watch lists and the FBI spying and tracking you on your phone. I know that seems like bad paranoia but I do believe it.

I get paranoid and afraid about these thing (though I don't watch porn). I keep thinking that someone has invaded my computer and/or phone.

[Blue_Bird]

I made the buffalo ranch shredded chicken in the crockpot to put on hoagie rolls, it may not look pretty, but it's really good. Spicy and the meat is really tender from cooking on low for 5 hours. This is the first time I've cooked an actual meal in many months

[Soupe du jour]

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird

I made the buffalo ranch shredded chicken in the crockpot to put on hoagie rolls, it may not look pretty, but it's really good. Spicy and the meat is really tender from cooking on low for 5 hours. This is the first time I've cooked an actual meal in many months

Sounds and looks good! When you mentioned putting it on a hoagie roll, it reminded me of Sloppy Joes. Maybe your dish could be a "Buffalo Joe"? Or "Buffalo Po' Joe?" [A combo of Sloppy Joe and Po'boy sandwich.]