Bipolar check-in #59

My Pdoc keeps pushing every time I see him about complete bottom surgery and I’m not at this point right now in my life ready for that. He’s all like “ I can get you in one of the best hospitals in the country with one of the best surgeons in the country.” I have confidence in my insurance paying for the surgery since they paid for the other 2. But the issue is the traveling which I doubt insurance will pay for and they don’t have Ronald McDonald houses for adults and I don’t know about follow up care or how many appointments I’d have. I’ve heard the risk for failure is not a small percentage either. But basically I’m just not ready and he’s being a bit pushy. So I need to be a bit assertive at my next session. At this point I’m pretty chill being a dude with a womens down there part. Especially since everything inside is taken out so I don’t feel the hormones or the PMS anymore. I don’t really have any bottom dysphoria. I mean I do often tug my hoodie down a lot when I’m in public. But I can also get a prosthetic too. But every session is the same with my Pdoc last Monday I’m like “hey I got a hysterectomy and I feel great.” And he’s like “oh great. Have you thought about getting the full surgery?”

I mean I’m glad there’s options in the states now unlike before when you’d have to go to like Sweden but I’m just plainly not ready and that’s what matters the most.

I got my 3rd covid booster shot several hours ago. I felt weird at first, heart racing, but I feel a little better now. Just tired.

My primary care doctor called me back about my side effects from the birth control patches. He said we'll keep an eye on things and in the meantime he prescribed some anti-nausea tablets for me to have if my nausea gets severe again. But anyway, he said to call him each week to let him know how things are going with it and if I end up needing to change to a different med eventually he will do that.

I picked up the omeprazole today, so I start that tomorrow for acid reflux. I didn't want to start it the same day I got the covid vaccine because I wanted to separate them and know what side effects are coming from what.

Hoping to get some good sleep tonight, I'm exhausted.

I also went to my self-care art group, we made beaded lizard keychains. There's a picture of mine below. It was fun, then we did a meditation afterward. It helped take my mind of my anxiety about the vaccine.

It seems that your pdoc is excited for you and wants to help further your transition. But, as you said, if you just aren't ready for any more then you aren't ready. Maybe you'll never get "the full surgery" and that's okay, too. My daughter is trans and says she may never get any surgeries.

(And I often reply to your posts! See? )

I feel clean! I washed my sheets, towels and clothes today and took a shower. So now I'm clean and redressed and ready for bed in a few hours and will be getting into a fresh set of sheets on my bed. The towels were way overdue to be washed. Why is it so easy to keep skipping them when you do laundry? Should they be done once a week like sheets?

I actually change out my bathroom towels every 2 day because there is so much bacteria in the air in the bathroom. Mine is small and the toilet is right across from the hooks where my towels hang so I am extra-cautious.

My mom washes hers a little less frequently because they are not right by flying toliet germs.

I need to do so much laundry.....maybe tomorrow

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I got my 3rd covid booster shot several hours ago. I felt weird at first, heart racing, but I feel a little better now. Just tired. My primary care doctor called me back about my side effects from the birth control patches. He said we'll keep an eye on things and in the meantime he prescribed some anti-nausea tablets for me to have if my nausea gets severe again. But anyway, he said to call him each week to let him know how things are going with it and if I end up needing to change to a different med eventually he will do that. I picked up the omeprazole today, so I start that tomorrow for acid reflux. I didn't want to start it the same day I got the covid vaccine because I wanted to separate them and know what side effects are coming from what. Hoping to get some good sleep tonight, I'm exhausted. I also went to my self-care art group, we made beaded lizard keychains. There's a picture of mine below. It was fun, then we did a meditation afterward. It helped take my mind of my anxiety about the vaccine.

That keychain is so cute

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 I feel clean! I washed my sheets, towels and clothes today and took a shower. So now I'm clean and redressed and ready for bed in a few hours and will be getting into a fresh set of sheets on my bed. The towels were way overdue to be washed. Why is it so easy to keep skipping them when you do laundry? Should they be done once a week like sheets?

I love clean sheets, too. My towels, I wash them about every 10 days.

I also take acid reflux meds and bc. Acid reflux actually gives me horrible nausea. I wonder if the new reflux meds may help you!!

I was waiting at one of my brother’s two medical appointments yesterday when I got a call that I have an appointment next Thursday with the doctor who did mom’s wrist surgery. That’s great news. He’s an excellent orthopedist and will get to the bottom of the arm I hurt helping my brother up from a fall. It will be nice not to be limited to one arm.

I’m heading back to the 200+ strong women’s bible study next week. There’s bible study and then lunch. I’m also looking for other opportunities to expand my horizons (i.e. get out of the house). I reconnected with an old friend on Facebook and we’re having coffee next week. I don’t know that I’d call it a date but it’s movement in that direction. Never say never I guess.

I got a great vacation package and want to go to Vegas but my daughter doesn’t. We’re looking at Lake Tahoe, Nevada, Arizona or the Berkshires, Massachusetts. I’m disappointed about Vegas but I know we’ll have fun wherever we go.

The Smokies trip is coming up. There is also me, my daughter, my niece, my sister and my mom meeting 2 of my aunts halfway for a meal and a visit. My aunt Sue has an aggressive form of cancer so I’m cognizant of the value of time spent with her. It will be 3 generations of women gathering. I’m looking forward to it.

Totally overwhelmed with life right now particularly with the use of only one arm. It’s too much with little relief and I’ve just returned from vacation. I’ll brainstorm solutions and opportunities. I’m getting hamstrung with each idea I have so it’s hard. It’s not sustainable though so I’ll bide my time.

I hope everybody has a good weekend.

I love the Smokey mountains!!!!! Have you been before?

Yeah I know other people do often reply to me. I was kinda being rude/sensitive.

Does your daughter pass as female? Sorry if that’s a rude question. I sometimes would be called a male before I was even on hormones. Mostly by older dudes.

Yesterday the racing thoughts became too much. All i accomplished all day was i watered my plant. So i went back up to full-dose on the Risperdal and today i feel fine. So that's a relief.

I'm disappointed but glad that i tested out withdrawing from this med so i confirmed that, yes, i DO absolutely need it and it IS helping a great deal. Now i'm more comfortable taking it and paying for it.

We have flurries and temperatures in the minus (Celsius [Canadian]) in the forecast and that's so exciting! I find the change-of-season so joyous! I'm always thrilled to see Winter come and happy to see it go!

My therapist is the same age as me but she looks like she’s 40 and she’s at least 100 pounds heavier and is close to 6 feet tall. It’s like what Alyssa Edwards said in Drag Race: “BEAST” ok that may be a little bit mean. But I swear this lady does not look like she’s 28. My mom says I’m right about the age but I’m exaggerating on the weight and height but I mean this lady could see clear over the top of my beanie hat the other day and I’m 5’5. I don’t know but we do not seem to be the same age. Maybe I think she’s triggering my dysphoria a bit. Or maybe I’m the one with the issue because I look like a 16 year old boy instead of a 28 year old man. Or maybe I’m just simply being an asshole. But I’m sure it will work out between us. Today I’m not doing much. Both of my nephew's are over for a bit and I have zero motivation to do anything inside the house. I ran to Wendy’s quickly for a couple drinks.

Apparently I still really need the thorazine. I tried going without it and the voices came back and I was starting to get paranoid and agitated. If the Invega doesn't start helping after my next shot I think I'll ask to taper off it. It's difficult to be the enthusiastic, on-the-go me. I'm just so tired. Idk if it's the thorazine (never made me sleepy before), depression (sleep all day depression is rare for me), or something else.
I'm kinda worried I have more than just a pinched nerve causing the foot issues. I have a bunch of other symptoms (more muscle spasms in the past month than in the past 5 years, difficulty starting to pee/difficulty fully emptying my bladder, vision in my left eye is kinda hazy, probably some other stuff I can't think of now). Oh well. I'll let the doc do his thing in January.
I gotta go take some Tylenol for my leg. I don't think it'll do anything as it never does but maybe it'll help my headache.

I am sorry for all of us who suffer.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

So sorry about all that, that’s so much to deal with, hopefully you can get treatment that clears all that up. I can’t remember have you seen a specialist for your leg?

Yes she does. As her mom there are a few areas that could be improved but she is working on them. I just love to her for her. Same as when she was a child.

I’m not doing the best today. I would describe it as trying to wish the day away. What I mean is, I’m trying to force this weekend to end by not having to do much in it – sleep more, stay distracted – really just take chunks of time and wait them out for events that have to happen. Example? I wake up – ok, just do something until lunch, until dinner, take a nap, it’s finally night time. Take your meds a bit early and go back to bed… etc.
I tend to do this when I feel anxious or want to get pressing/important things over with that are coming up. I’ve stressed out this week about next week. I have a lot of appointments beginning of the week. The lucky part is they take place early, so that is a plus. I can literally get them over with, assuming I can get through the days leading up to it. Lol

I’m not really in a bad mood state – my medicines really have made the difference for me, but a lot of peripheral issues are coming up and making me feel uneasy. I need to better my life in a lot of ways but I am not making progress. I don’t like how slow therapy works – I’m struggling now, I don’t want to wait out 4-5 sessions to unpack everything with someone new. I don’t want to even address half of it. I don’t want to even look myself in the mirror because I hate the fact I’m unable to help myself.

I don’t guess I have a real grasp of what my issue is or how to fix it at this point. I just want to get to a point I can at least be autonomous again. [Sorry for the vagueness, but I have no want to to elaborate more.]

I need to eat healthier. I am technically a healthy weight but I don’t like my body and I have some worries about the PCP visit. I am sure she’ll wanna do blood work, which is fine – I’m just nervous it’ll show some issues – like high cholesterol (which the amount of fast food and processed foods I eat, wouldn’t be a surprise) – My blood pressure at home always runs “elevated” and the last time I went to the doctor was actually high. I’m worried she’ll see concern there. I know they are simple problems with pretty simple solutions [change in diet, perhaps meds] but still. I shouldn’t worry until necessary, but I can’t seem to help myself.

Thanks Nammu, I saw a podiatrist and he couldn't really do anything other than tell me it's a nerve problem, most likely my spine, and referred me to a neurologist who I get to see in January.

Hope the new GERD med works and works well !!!! My husband struggles at time but at this point our Doctor just wants him on OTC meds.

You're Lizard look so cute ! Glad you got out !

You have a very overflowing plate. I am so sorry

Proud of you for making time for self care !!!!! Meeting up with family is such a blessing. I remember before my grandmother passed we had 3 generations at once.

Oh I could never decide on vacation destination with such a wonderful selection.

Keep up the self care my friend

Sorry your struggling Please dont wait until January to get all that checked out. You have far too many symptoms going on.

Take care of YOU

Thanks Bizi !!!!!!!

I'm so sorry that you are struggle with so many things i understand the wishing the day away. I lately can't wait until its bedtime. I dont really sleep all that much but climbing into bed with my super soft blanket just ffels safe.

Hope your blood work comes back okay and no need for any medications. Years ago I was able to change my foods and it dropped mine. But psych meds finally won and I had to go on medication..

Are you able to switch up activities? I get in a rut at times and get stuck with some that no longer work at all.

Be kind to yourself