Bipolar check-in #59

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Originally Posted by Nammu Trying snail soup, maybe licking toads 🐸? A sweat lodge? I’ve seriously contemplated medicine men when I lived in New Mexico and was very unwell.

I would definitely see a medicine man or woman if I knew of one. I'm sure there must be some in San Francisco.

I think it would be a great experience. I’d love to go on a vision quest. I have wild colorful dream I can only imagine that a vision quest would be even better.

I don’t really know I think it’s just been my personal experiences. It’s their mannerisms. They seem to be more goofier and more forgetful and have different ways of doing therapy then younger therapists do. Like they learned how to do things that are no longer used now or something. But the therapists I really did not get along with besides the last one were all in their late 50’s and they were basically just creepy and odd.

My current therapist has a kid. So she’s my age and a parent. It’s a pretty interesting and unique situation for me to be in. But I think it will really work out. I’m not sure how to exactly tell her about specific things but maybe it’s not necessary. At least right now.

I took my son to trunk or treat tonight. Him growing up past elementary age is really getting to me. Walking around trunk or treat at his school made me realize I know none of the parents, I know none of the teachers, I know none of the parents. I’m just really disappointed in myself for missing most of his childhood. I mean when he was little little I was seriously ill. Then my first husband died and I was a wreck for a long time. Things didn’t get better until I found the para job and met RS. By that time he was already 8. I mean I was friendly with a couple of parents at his old school but I never knew anyone from this new school. But that’s not all my fault; he started there in 2019 so 2/3 of a way through the school year all hell broke loose and everything got shut down this year is the first “normal” year he’s had in this school.

I just never felt like I fit in with those parents. Never thought I could be more than surface acquaintances. I mean honestly that goes for anyone. I’m good friends with both my SILs but that’s about it. I’m too worried that people will judge me if I let them in. And in reality those people may have been through just as much as I have and struggled just like me but none of us will ever know because we’re all afraid of judgment.

I’m just sad I guess. My son’s 11th birthday is in less than a month and he’s only going to want to hang out with me for so much longer. And he’s so unsure of himself, he’s unwilling to try anything new because he thinks he’ll fail and I don’t want him to be like that. But I guess I can only guide, not decide.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina I'm so sorry Beth I am glad they the Zyprexa has helped, The " sedation" will sort it's self out and it will just help you to with anxiety. I would probably do half dose too. Thats surprising that the Pdoc is working to be more helpful.. I wonder if people complained enough for her to act better??? Regardless I am not it wasn't and absolute negative finally..

My therapist told me that 3 complaints had been filed at the clinic about the new pdoc. Hopefully it's a wake-up call for her.

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Originally Posted by Nammu I think it would be a great experience. I’d love to go on a vision quest. I have wild colorful dream I can only imagine that a vision quest would be even better.

Oh, me too! I think a vision quest would be amazing!

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I don’t really know I think it’s just been my personal experiences. It’s their mannerisms. They seem to be more goofier and more forgetful and have different ways of doing therapy then younger therapists do. Like they learned how to do things that are no longer used now or something. But the therapists I really did not get along with besides the last one were all in their late 50’s and they were basically just creepy and odd. My current therapist has a kid. So she’s my age and a parent. It’s a pretty interesting and unique situation for me to be in. But I think it will really work out. I’m not sure how to exactly tell her about specific things but maybe it’s not necessary. At least right now.

I get what you mean. My T is incredibly forgetful. She does seem much younger than 70, but there's some old lady stuff there.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina Saw my T yesterday and its so unlike me but I spend most of the session in tears.. I always feel like I am a "Burden" and the level of it waxes and wanes depending how I am doing. Right now its huge ! We plan to do some hypnotherapy next session. I got home yesterday and I don't know fully why I exploded but I sure did. Steve doesnt deserve it. He is always supportive. I had schedule an appointment with my NP while I saw Richard. I see her Monday. The only thing I can imagine being done is increase Geodon.. I have zero side effects right now at 40mg BID. But something needs done about this Anxiety. Richard told me another client that was taken off Xanax because the facilty wants everyone off Xanax started taking the suppliment Ashwaganda and its been a huge help for her. So Hell I'll try it ! I literally would try snail soup at this point if it could help. Its rainy grey snotty day today my PsA and Fibro is freaking screaming to hell and back. Hugs to anyone in need

'snail soup' - I love it


Wow, chickie! I cannot even imagine you as a burden. No way.

I fell last night. I woke up at 12:30 to get some water and I came back and I couldn’t see and missed my bed and crashed on the floor between my bed and my night table. I landed on my right hand and side. No one heard me. I don’t think I hurt myself. My surgery was 4 weeks ago so I doubt I did anything. I’ve been having trouble with my vision for awhile and I just started on topamax Monday night and I know a side effect of that is dizziness. So maybe that’s what happened. I don’t fall unless it’s from a night terror which I haven’t gotten in about 2 years.

I’m kind of achy but it seems to be more because I just fell and got a bit bruised up and less like I did actual surgery damage.

It's so hard for me to tell if behaviors are problems due to medication withdrawal or if that's just how i am. I've made peace with benzos and accepted that i will be on 5mg Valium for life and have started working on Risperdal. I'm down 50% to 1mg.

I went down to 0.5mg but i had racing thoughts and had a hard time getting anything done so i went back up to 1mg but now i'm still getting the behavior tho in a much milder way that i think i can cope with. I have a hard time telling if it's just harmless day-dreaming, wandering in my mind in the past, having fantasies about doing things differently or if it's really harmful racing thoughts.

There's some paperwork that i have to get to and the behavior is quite an obstacle. Otherwise, i don't mind it because it's a free way of entertaining myself, to sit quietly and just let my mind spin loose and the hours pass peacefully. I can journal and that's worthwhile, i've made some conclusions about the past which have been valuable. It's late afternoon tho before the behavior loses it's grip.

I don't want to go back up on the Risperdal because of the expense. My last scrip was delightfully affordable at $35 for a 100 day supply which is just stellar as i'm getting serious about saving again as our public retirement fund deadline nears (end of February [Canadian]).

I guess the question is always: is it impacting my functionality? Well, i have 2.5 months to do the paperwork, so a little procrastination is okay. I've made a deal with myself that i'll do it Monday morning. It'll be the start of the work-week and i think i'll be ready to face it then.

If i still can't get it done on Monday i'll have to consider going back up on the Risperdal. The original reason for the med reductions was to tame my appetite so i could lose weight but i've only had a negligible reduction.

I also don't care so much about weight anymore since the new Old Navy commercial came out with the so-pretty and lovely "Saturday Night Live" plus-size comedienne Aidy Bryant and plus-size models dancing around in their new line of plus-size jeans up to size 30 and i'm just so delighted with it!

Affordable plus-size jeans are miraculous!

And the women are so pretty and having such fun in their bodies, dancing around WITH THEIR SHIRTS TUCKED IN, exposing their waists (blasphemy in the recent past!) It seems like it's getting to be okay to be fat these days. The "Me Too" and "Time's Up" movements help too.

It's actually kind of subversive to be a fat female! I'm finding women who are overly-absorbed with losing weight kind of repellent and superficial and pawns of the male-dominated capitalist elite, consumers of oppression.

And anyways, at the end of my life, am i going to look back over my life and feel, "Gee, i really wish i had worried about my weight more?"

Anyways my doctor thinks it's more the Seroquel that's driving my appetite so that's what i'll work on next, once i conclude the Risperdal issue. I'll try and reduce the Seroquel for financial reasons and also common sense (i don't want to be taking meds that are unnecessary) not so much to lose weight.

Aces!

Did a quick sunrise hike this morning (spent more time driving than hiking!) had practically the whole mountain to myself and it was niiiice.



I'm antsy as all hell. Tired but wired. I want to go on another hike. Tomorrow. I finally got an appointment with the gynecologist for Monday. If the weather's nice and I have trouble sleeping maybe I'll go to the beach for sunrise.

I did it I got up did the chores and put the garbage out. Then went to aqua fitness. Uffta the Friday instructor is a task master. I really do feel an increase in mood when I go swimming. It’s just the changing multiple times that makes me not want to go. But brr there’s no way to just go in my wrap anymore. I’m still only in a T-shirt but most people now are wearing light jackets. Still the weather is pretty good for this time of year. No snow for Halloween, that’s nice.

Have been having terrible side effects from my birth control patch so am going to have to stop it. And was up the entire night because of those side effects, got zero hours of sleep. I also choked on one of my morning meds, which is one of my biggest fears, so had to spend a minute coughing that up which made me anxious. It's just been a rough night/morning so far.

Anyway, I'm headed out to my appointment to get my 3rd Covid vaccine booster shot in a about 30 minutes, so I'm happy about that. And I get to pick up the new prescription for omeprazole from the pharmacy while I'm there. So hopefully that helps my acid reflux.

I'm just hoping to get some good sleep tonight. I'm not even sure if I'm going to my self-care art group today, I really don't feel up to anything like that today. Which sucks, because I was really looking forward to it.

Sorry for complaining a bunch

It's good to see you again Whatever2013

I hope everyone is having a good day

That's beautiful!

A couple things today made me absolutely furious. So much that I daydreamed about temporarily leaving my husband. I've cooled off a bit, but realize I must make a couple changes in life. I need more independence and need to do more things MY WAY! I realized that even little things are missing and starting to hurt.

We're up north in the country and will later visit my husband's old friend and his wife for the first time in years. Hubby says he's nervous. I get the feeling we wouldn't be here if I hadn't pushed the reunion. He doesn't want to see anyone here. That defeats the whole danged point of even being in this particular country this year.

We went to the bank today for a withdrawal from an account in my name. It didn't happen because the bank clerk said that my signature didn't sufficiently match MY signature in their system. The clerk was a b**** and we ended up having to leave empty handed. Not sure what to say about that. We were going to go to another bank employee but would have had to wait forever, and wouldn't.

I feel good anxiety and mood wise. I feel decent physically. I’m kinda achy and my stomach is hard but I don’t think it’s an issue. I’m still spotting a bit but I don’t think I did anything from my fall. I really moved the table though. I went out of the house and I went to this cool Mexican grocery store and I got some fun flavors of chips and soda. I also went to Target and got some fall flavored Burts Bees chapstick. I got a skinny pumpkin spice iced latte from Starbucks on my way home. My anxiety has been low since I can’t really drink soda anymore since it tastes bad because of the topamax. So I’m not drinking 3 cans in the morning. Coffee and juice is still fine. Taste wise I mean. I went out early and I came home early. I’m trying to watch season 13 of Project Runway on a streaming service but they cut out parts and it’s pretty obvious and annoying so I’m wondering if I should go to the seasons I have on DVD. The Today Show halloween thing this morning was pretty lame. The last time it was good was in 2014 when they did the SNL stuff.

But today besides the whole fall and stuff I’m feeling pretty good.

My brother in law just brought my sick 5 year old nephew over. My mom and I have no idea why and are super confused since my brother in law still works from home and can easily take care of him. He even said he can drop everything and come over if my nephew gets worse. It’s a sure good way to get 2 entire different house holds sick though. His Covid test was negative at least.

I was on the verge of an anxiety attack, starting to sweat (overheat), and turn red. Our friends are here at our penzion restaurant. They did nothing to inspire my anxiety. It's just my issue exacerbated by earlier in the day. I confess I told a lie to escape. Hubby got the drift.

Been a crazy day. Vivid dreams and nightmares really took over today. I woke up 5 times and couldn’t stay awake and returned to dream after dream. I remember it was around 8AM for the first and I finally got out of bed at 12:30pm. I’ve eaten lunch and had to take my meds a bit late this morning. I feel OK I guess, but I am really unsure what this day has in store for me. I kinda just wanna go back to bed. I may just take my evening meds early and go to sleep a bit earlier than anticipated. [around 8pm]

I really appreciate you responding to my posts. It means a lot to me. On other forums on MSF people do respond to me. But not here on the bipolar one. So I know it’s a here problem and not a me problem. But thanks for responding to my posts. I appreciate it a lot.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I really appreciate you responding to my posts. It means a lot to me. On other forums on MSF people do respond to me. But not here on the bipolar one. So I know it’s a here problem and not a me problem. But thanks for responding to my posts. I appreciate it a lot.

Thank you!

I gotta laugh I truly understand seeing anyone and everyone. It's such a shame we can feel that trying anything is a huge part of the struggle with Bipolar.. Sweat lodge? Ugh I hate the heat dunno if I could tolerate that but... I'm getting pretty desperate !

Speaking of toads...In Florida they have Bufo frogs they are hella poisenious My dog years ago did lick one and I almost lost him he was at the emergency vet for 3-4 days when he finally got well enough ( he was having seizures) the Vet told me a Rottweiler didn't make it the night before. I killed everyone I found in my yard after that. They are big ! Well stupid a%% kids started licking them to get high.. Like WTH ? Anything for a buzz. They are very toxic . I dont miss them

Snail soup... My brother said they taste like shrimp and chicken.. Yuck !
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What a gorgeous pic ! Give yourself a huge pat on the back for getting out and enjoying nature and sharing that pic with us

I'm so sorry that things are tough right now Thats garbage that your bank has and issue with your signature. The last problem you need.

Do you have any thing to look forward too??

Another snotty day here. Meh meh meh !!! It's not helping my mood at all !

I found a recipe for edible sugar free cookie dough using Truvia ! I plan to make it soon. I'm having a bit of a pity party having to follow this Diabetic way of life when it comes to food lately.

My Blood sugar is still running much higher due to AP and A typical. So not happy about it but the fact remains that I need both. I do wonder other that increasing my Geodon I don't think I have any other options to deal with this high level of anxiety. I've tried Buspar in the past and it did absolutely nothing. I can't take gabapentin as I take Lyrica for my Fibro.

The joys of Bipolar !!!