Bipolar check-in #59

I think my psych meds are poisoning me. I feel weird. I've been up for going on 40 hours.

Welcome back Buddha!

Yeah, one sure thing about bipolar is that the moods do change with time. My last depression I didn’t seek help till a year went by and it changed to mixed. That was too uncomfortable but I was living alone and it’s always easier to just lie around when there’s no one there to prod ya.

I thought the sun was coming in and I thought to myself “this is great. I’ve slept in until almost 7. But then I realized it was my closet light that I had left on. I had fallen asleep quickly at 6. It’s just 1:00 now. I was hoping my mom would wake me up around 10 so I could eat something I haven’t had anything to eat since 5PM yesterday. And I’m hungry right now.

My landlady called my husband saying that she wants us to sign a new lease committing to another full year. This past year our lease was an open one, without a set time commitment. Hubby and I talked at length and agreed that we cannot commit. In fact, it has become very clear that another full year in the place we are now living would be foolish. So, we will very soon start exploring other possibilities. This includes either moving up to Prague or even to France. I'm not sure how our landlady will handle this, in terms of giving us some more time (without a year committment) to make a move happen. It's possible we may need to move some of our stuff to storage, for a while.

I've been having some gastrointestinal issues, lately. I can't help but wonder if it is diverticulitis. Usually this issue passes over time. I'm going to try to stick mostly to liquids and non-chunky soups for a couple days, then see. I had planned to make homemade butternut squash soup, anyway. Actually, I think I might have shed a couple pounds I gained. I feel like it, but need to confirm with the scale. The week after next we go to a lázně (a type of health spa) for a week. There we will have a consultation with a doctor. The doc will then sort of prescribe relevant treatments and maybe even diet and restorative waters.

My sleep is getting a bit better with time. I’m still waking up around 4:30-5am, but I’m going to bed around 11:30p-12a, so it isn’t super awful. It’s also not like I don’t dose back off to sleep on and off after that. The dreams are there and I’ve resigned that it’ll just have to be that way and the prazosin as prescribed now isn’t helping with it. I don’t like the idea of playing around with how/what/when/how much I take, so I’ll just leave it alone for now. It’s only a week from Monday that I see my psychiatrist again. I did reach out and ask if I could take an additional low-dose seroquel to help sleep at night, and she said that’s fine. If I remember correctly, the grogginess fades with time. Today was little less than the day before.

I’m trying to decide on making a plan for today, or for the weekend, to just do something. I need to take advantage of these positive moods. I really don’t know what I want to do. I may just take time to focus on… well, “me”. I don’t know what that will consist of, but probably laying out my life and plan for the future. That may be a bit messy, so I’ll tinker, but if I get too upset, I’ll move on to lazy passive watching TV and playing with my cat. Hahah

That’s all I guess.

Quote:

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow .....

Hi, I can't reply to your threads on the forum (I get a message telling me I'm on your ignore list), but I can reply to you on the check-in thread. I'm confused...

I still have only cold water. 3rd day. The management tells us they're waiting for a new pump to be delivered. It amazes me, what landlords get away with. A week-end of ice-cold showers loom. At least the weather is still warm.

I awoke feeling anxious. It happens before I even open my eyes...the feeling of tightness in my gut. I'm going to get my hair cut today (yay!) & am considering taking a Klonopin before the appointment.

I finally got some sleep after being up for 42 hours straight, I gave in and took my thorazine because I didn't want to go another 24 hours without sleep which seemed likely to happen by that point. I feel better, less paranoid/weird feeling. I guess I've come to the conclusion that I literally cannot sleep on my abilify injection unless I'm still on the thorazine too. I can't stop taking it, I have to stop messing with it/trying to stop it my myself. I don't want to stop the abilify injection either because it's helped me be stable, the only problem is I can't sleep on it, thus the thorazine is necessary.
I'm just going to stay on all my meds and stop messing with them.

I am going to CVS on Saturday to pick up my new prescription for famotidine. Hopefully it helps the acid reflux. At some point next week I need to get a ride to the hospital to turn in a sample to the lab so I can get my prescription for the Xulane birth control patches. Hopefully that helps my PMS and regulates my monthly cycle.

I decided to order this Celtic cross necklace. I was thinking of a Claddagh ring by the same company (made in Ireland), but I don't want to have to get it resized if my weight ever changes. Plus the cross symbolizes my Catholic faith, me being part Irish, my favorite color is green, I like Celtic designs, and I'm hoping it's a constant reminder to stay strong and keep focused on my eating disorder recovery. I think having a constant physical reminder will be helpful to have. I'll probably get the Claddagh ring eventually, maybe 2 years from now as a reward for making it to 2 years of solid recovery.

Anyway, I've been browsing around on Amazon, picking out some things to buy for my family and friends for Christmas. I won't be able to start my Christmas shopping till around November but I think I have picked out some nice things for them.

I'm happy it's October. I can't wait till the leaves start changing colors, maybe they already have, I haven't been out much lately. I'm going to carve a pumpkin this year, I didn't last year for some reason. I think last year I was too depressed and too anxious to do things like that because of concerns/worries over the pandemic were taking up all my mental space.

The picture below is the necklace I'm getting

I hope your hot water comes back on soon. I had cold water when they redid the pumps here in my apartment complex but luckily it was only for 1 whole day.

I hope your anxiety gets better. Enjoy your haircut I get anxious before them too, I think the last time I got one like a year ago, I had to take a klonopin before as well. I get really shaky and nervous during them

Oooooo I’ve only the bathroom left to clean! I hardly slept last night so my back is bad today. I nearly had a spasm half way though the family room and my 93 yr old mother took over for me! How embarrassing. At least I had moved all the furniture out and did that part. I’m just waiting on the flowers to be delivered to go shopping for the food. The family room was the worse cause that’s mostly where we sit and read so I threw out 2 yrs worth of accumulated magazines. We’ve just realized that this is the first time in over 2 years we’ve had more than just my sister over. Man, two years! I’m glad my daughter talked me into this.

The necklace is gorgeous.

Yeah, meds the necessary evil of bipolar!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I finally got some sleep after being up for 42 hours straight, I gave in and took my thorazine because I didn't want to go another 24 hours without sleep which seemed likely to happen by that point. I feel better, less paranoid/weird feeling. I guess I've come to the conclusion that I literally cannot sleep on my abilify injection unless I'm still on the thorazine too. I can't stop taking it, I have to stop messing with it/trying to stop it my myself. I don't want to stop the abilify injection either because it's helped me be stable, the only problem is I can't sleep on it, thus the thorazine is necessary. I'm just going to stay on all my meds and stop messing with them. I am going to CVS on Saturday to pick up my new prescription for famotidine. Hopefully it helps the acid reflux. At some point next week I need to get a ride to the hospital to turn in a sample to the lab so I can get my prescription for the Xulane birth control patches. Hopefully that helps my PMS and regulates my monthly cycle. I decided to order this Celtic cross necklace. I was thinking of a Claddagh ring by the same company (made in Ireland), but I don't want to have to get it resized if my weight ever changes. Plus the cross symbolizes my Catholic faith, me being part Irish, my favorite color is green, I like Celtic designs, and I'm hoping it's a constant reminder to stay strong and keep focused on my eating disorder recovery. I think having a constant physical reminder will be helpful to have. I'll probably get the Claddagh ring eventually, maybe 2 years from now as a reward for making it to 2 years of solid recovery. Anyway, I've been browsing around on Amazon, picking out some things to buy for my family and friends for Christmas. I won't be able to start my Christmas shopping till around November but I think I have picked out some nice things for them. I'm happy it's October. I can't wait till the leaves start changing colors, maybe they already have, I haven't been out much lately. I'm going to carve a pumpkin this year, I didn't last year for some reason. I think last year I was too depressed and too anxious to do things like that because of concerns/worries over the pandemic were taking up all my mental space. The picture below is the necklace I'm getting

Your necklace is lovely. I like the green, too.

I'm thinking about carving a pumpkin this year, too

Saw pdoc today. I told her the truth about how I've been feeling lately. So upshot is that she doubled my Haldol to 5 mg a.m. and 5 mg p.m. From the 5 mg the hospital just upped me to from 2.5 so a total of 10 per day and 2 mg prn - which I took today. And no more Seroquel!! I took myself out for lunch this afternoon and had blueberry pancakes. I took over 2/3 of it home. I hope to reheat it for dinner.

I am feeling ok since seeing pdoc though she did suggest that I do IOP too. I don't want to and I don't think anything is set up. I was honest with her and told her I don't want to go because I am afraid to get lost. We left it at that I guess. I told her my sleep is ok but in all honesty I've been staying in bed for far too long since being home- today I pressed snooze from 1030 to 1220 when I had to get up to make it to my pdoc appointment. That seems ridiculous no?

I am struggling hard today again with Guilt over my Attempt and how Steve was just helpless waiting to see if I would pull through. He has told me over and over that I wasn't in my right mind and I know I wasn't, I have virtually no idea what happened until I woke up 2 almost 3 days later.

Exhausted but also getting hit hard with Panic Attacks and Anxiety. I'm using coping skills of all kinds but Wow its just hard at times but the panic and anxiety attacks eventually do ease. I use the Pulse Ox as it shows heart rate so I breath and wait until I see numbers dropping, seems like hours sometimes but it isn't.

I'm going to try journaling again. Its hit and miss. But its worth a shot.

Hope everyone has a nice weekend

I'm so sorry to hear you are suffering. You've been through the ringer these past few weeks for sure. I have issues with panic and anxiety myself and I tend to pace and talk to myself and it gives me some comfort. Journaling is often a hit-or-miss for me in terms of quelling emotions. I know it's not much consolation , but I definitely know how suffering the way you have been affects the body, health, relationships -- every aspect of your life. I am truly sorry and hope you find reprieve.

Guess who got absolutely nothing accomplished today? Haha. I’m not complaining, but I did have a rather rough bout of “unease” – I had another nightmare as I took a nap. I don’t want to get into the nitty-gritty about it because it causes me a lot of anxiety to even talk about it. Just know it affected a larger portion of my day than I wish it did. I did job search today – which is a step in the right direction. The types of jobs I’m wanting, all are only offering full-time positions. There are part time positions, but they are unfamiliar areas and skills and I’m not sure I’d do well in the settings. I’ll keep looking. Part-time and low pay are necessities (LOL, how often do you hear that?). I cannot afford medication or therapy and making over a threshold means I lose my benefits. So, there is that. I am looking forward to having something a few day a week to do though. It’s good to have a little structure.

The surgery went fine. I got there at noon. Got called back almost right away. They were ahead of schedule. So I had my IVs, I had to get 2 for some reason. Man did they hurt. Ive never had IVs hurt. It’s like they just stuck a long needle into both my hands. The nurse was all like “hold my hand.” When she was putting the first one in and I couldn’t tell if that was just protocal or if she wanted me to hold her hand for emotional support. Both the doctor and the anesthesigist came in rather quickly after I got in. The nurse had to shave me and I was really hoping they’d do that when I was asleep. But the nurse kept me covered up as much as she could. There were like 2 other nurses in the room though doing other stuff. awkward

Then I got taken back. That OR staff was the nicest of the 3 I’ve dealt with. The oxygen mask was a bit too tight and someone noticed so she just held it on my face until I went under: I woke up in recovery and I kept saying I was dizzy. Then I started hyper venitilaing and the nurse told me to breathe. I kept touching my face which she told me not to do. I wasn’t wearing a mask. After awhile I was brought back to my room and my mom was allowed to come in.

I had a bit of an issue with not being able to use the bathroom. Which I have to do. They gave me a bunch of coffee and water and I still couldn’t go. So the nurse told me if I didn’t go in 6 hours I’d have to go the ER so they could put a Cather in. But I got home and I drank a lot of water and I finally went a lot. The pain wasn’t too bad but now it is. I had a couple oral pain meds including Tylenol with codine before I went into the OR. I swear I heard they gave me fentanyl when I was in surgery: which is a bit freaky. Now I’m just on narco which is what I was on the last two surgeries and I took one as soon as I could and the pain is pretty bad.. I’m in bed now propped up a bit with my pillow arm.

So far no post op depression. I actually feel pretty good about the surgery and how nice everyone was. I was at one of the best hospitals in the state. When the doctor came to see me before he said “is everyone treating you ok?” Then he patted my foot when he left. His bedside manner was much better then my top surgeon.

But yeah so far pain but no depression and I hope it stays that way.

I can’t even really tell I was intubated either. My voice was hoarse for a bit but it doesn’t hurt or anything now. Just a bit scratchy.

Standing up feels much better then sitting down. I hope I get some sleep though. I took the pain med so I hope I get tired soon.

I still haven’t fallen asleep. The pain is a bit much right now. I took a Tylenol. The bleeding is almost gone though.

My overall moods and anxiety are stable.

I'm glad it went well Mountaindewed.

I'm happy to hear it went well. I know you were stressing over it. The hardest part is over. Hope your recovery is smooth!

You've been struggling hard for quite some time now, so your guilt is somewhat misplaced. The fact that you wish everyone a nice weekend really speaks to the kind of person you really are...kind and sensitive. Just take care of yourself, Christina. The world needs more people like you.

I got my dog vaccinated, nails clipped and everything else. Then I got my old car cleaned out, Then got mcdonalds, then got home to a difficult conversation.

I can’t sleep pain is really bad I think one of my incisone split a bit from trying to use the bathroom: That’s basically an immediate ER trip and possible admission and I don’t want that.. I took a Tylenol an hour ago. I haven’t had narco since 7. I really am uncomfortable taking that stuff. So I’m thinking of taking a Valium so I can at least relax. I’ve only had one in more then 24 hours: I could be going through withdrawals. I haven’t eaten since 4PM Thursday. I wonder if I have hunger pangs. But I’m not very hungry. But I may just need some juice and a Valium. I did a big grocery shopping. So I have a lot of food now and not just rice cakes, ramen, candy, and cereal. I spent $100 but it was worth it and I got a lot of stuff.

When I touch gently on where my ovaries were I get a tingly non painful feeling that radiates up my body. It’s interesting.

Edit: my mom and I decided that I should take a Valium and another Tylenol since I had only been taking one at a time when I can take 2 at a time. So this is my 3rd in 5 hours. I took them with water and then I drank a bottle of blue raspberry Body Armor. She said the incision does not look bad. I’m hoping everything kicks in soon and if I can get just 4 hours of sleep I’d be happy.

There was a women next to me, maybe in her 60’s. So at least 32 years older then me Who also had a hysterectomy done. She was totally alert. Went to the bathroom right away and then her and her husband left and were going to Olive Garden. Meanwhile I’ve just been a mess this whole time and I’m only 28 and in good shape.

Edit: I got about 2 hours and 20 minutes of sleep. I’m kind of anxious but mr pain is ok. I’ve been in the same spot for 2 hours and I haven’t moved. I showed probably move around a bit. That’s what my nurse and paperwork told me to do. But once I took the Valium and Tylenol I fell right to sleep. So I assume my anxiety elaborated things. I think I’ll take another Valium and my morning Geodon but not any pain meds. I have to be super careful about the meds right now and do things right so I don’t OD on things for real. So maybe I should even avoid the Geodon until 5AM since that’s when I last took it.

I hope the pain is just lack of Valium related and not the start of anything.

The pain honestly isn’t all that bad. I got to the bathroom and then to the garage fridge and got a big bottle of blue raspberry Body Armor without an issue. I took my Valium and I’m hoping that kicks in. I may take a narco at 7 though. Depends on my pain and how spread apart my Geodon was.