Bipolar check-in #60

I had a really special day. It was nice traveling and bonding with mom, sister and niece. We met my daughter and two of my aunts (mom’s sisters) at a nice restaurant where we shared a meal, visited and took pictures. Lots of memory making. Beautiful.

On the way home we stopped off and visited my brother. He’s in a nice place. I hope he makes the most of it.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day tomorrow.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I had a really special day. It was nice traveling and bonding with mom, sister and niece. We met my daughter and two of my aunts (mom’s sisters) at a nice restaurant where we shared a meal, visited and took pictures. Lots of memory making. Beautiful. On the way home we stopped off and visited my brother. He’s in a nice place. I hope he makes the most of it. I hope everybody has a peaceful day tomorrow.

Ohhh, I'm so glad. Sounds just lovely. "Lots of memory making" - what a beautiful thought.

Just submitted a ten page paper for school. It was a LOT of work!

The end of the semester is in sight!

It's 3:10 as I start this post. A.M. I had a good day. I talked with Caleb for 3.5 hours! Straight! We were talking about a song from the 70s about someone leaving a cake out in the rain! Lol

Not too long ago I took 150 of Seroquel to help me sleep but it hasn't helped yet.

I also watched a few episodes of a show on Disney plus called "Behind the Attraction". Each episode is a history of a specific attraction at a Disney park. They've done the haunted mansion, tower of terror, the star wars rides and the jungle cruise so far. I hope there are a lot more episodes to come. I also found a new funny tiktoker. She seems to be about 60 and she looks through catelogs and goes to stores and just comments. I like her sense of humor

440 a.m.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 It's 3:10 as I start this post. A.M. I had a good day. I talked with Caleb for 3.5 hours! Straight! We were talking about a song from the 70s about someone leaving a cake out in the rain! Lol

MacArthur Park. What a strange song! Why did someone bake a cake and put it outside in the rain?

I’ve heard it’s considered the worst song in history because of that cake bit and how the whole song makes zero sense.

I am struggling today to reconcile with myself. I obsess a lot over appointments as I am sure you've all noticed. I see my therapist and psychiatrist tomorrow and both meetings come with their struggles. I'll leave therapy for the end of this post though, and focus on my psychiatrist. I already dealt with her being quite dismissive of me when we last talked. I did what I thought I was supposed to do, contact my doctor -- she essentially just said "Stop taking it, I guess." and any concern I had was "Well if it bothers you, go to the ER. Or take half." ... I know she did her job, but it was so uncompassionate for the intensity of what I went through. It wasn't great... I should also mention she I called the clinic to ask her if she wanted to make another appointment or if I could just stop taking it. She decided on that day for me to see her... she spent 5-6 minutes with me, and charged my insurance for a full meeting. Professionals deserve their pay I guess, but I found that a bit excessive for the amount of care I received. I play devil's advocate here... she may have just not been prepared for my meeting, it was impromptu she may have squeezed me in etc. but as someone once told me -- it CAN be both. I can validly feel the way I do and accept those facts as well.


This, planned, meeting is supposed to cover a lot tomorrow. She wants to really look into my bipolar, talk about specific symptoms, share my ADHD screening, and talking about my genetic testing results. I really hope, overall, that goes better than our last visit. I don't want to leave again feeling I did something wrong or I'm stupid for reaching out.


I have a lot of fears of what will happen. First and foremost, I have had almost every antidepressant on the planet. Because of my depressive symptoms I can see her pushing that route (albeit probably with a bit more precision with the genetic testing) and I'm apprehensive about another antidepressant. However, I have this feeling if that's what she has in mind, that's what is going to happen. I'm not 100% against it, but i'd rather go another route.

I will bring up to her, and be firm, weight gain is an issue and I am not taking a medicine notorious for large amounts weight gain. I watched the struggle my sister had with Depakote and sometimes I wonder "can they really say it helps when it creates scenarios that exacerbate the emotions it is supposed to take care of?". I had lots of weight gain from antidepressants specifically. I've mainly had antipsychotics paired with wellbutrin in the past, and I've not seen a lot of weight change. I am prepared for the argument that will essentially come down to "Well, which is more important, feeling better or your weight?".


I don't know if I can answer that. I've researched into why weight gain tends to happen with medicines like this, and it's still unclear but there are a few theories, especially considering blocking of H1 receptors. I know no one here is gonna give me the line of "Eat right and exercise and you won't gain weight.", but that is so disheartening the lack of understanding on behalf of professional and laypeople alike in that respect. I don't know how many doctors are willing to offset weight gain with meds, like wellbutrin for example,. or other, non-psychiatric, meds. I've heard of metformin being used to help offset medication weight gain. I really hope it doesn't come to a conversation like that.



On the therapy front, I'm a afraid of a confrontation. I've had so many bad experiences dealing with people lately I've really adopted a sentiment of I don't need to be around people. I'm afraid of hearing the words "I don't know what you expect me to do" from my therapist again while trying to get help. I am unsure what therapy can do for me. I am unsure it can change how I feel. I'm there willingly and wanting help.. I don't think it's so simplistic as "Change your mind and believe help, or suffer.". I am also very apprehensive to talk about past traumas and even things like my divorce because of reason I don't want to get into, but I am afraid of reactions or consequences of talking about it. The more time I spend thinking about it, the less I want to continue with treatment, because I feel like I won't get better and everyone involved will get fed up.

My first step is at least going to my appointments tomorrow. I will see where to go from there, but I am very afraid of being put into another scenario where I'm talk to, about me, rather than with me. The one thing I have knowledge and control of -- being told how I should think or feel or treated like reaching out was the wrong decision. Let's just get tomorrow over with, you know? I'm ready to obsess about the next thing to come in my life. That'll at least be filling myself with turkey for thanksgiving. LOL (It's my favorite holiday and the only time I eat turkey all year to be honest. I only crave it this time of year!)

I appreciate God gifting me good health for my special day yesterday. Today it’s back to stomach bug symptoms and all the fun that goes along with that. I’ve got too much work and fun planned for this week to be ill! This has gone on off and on for awhile now. My doctor will do a telemedicine appointment with me next Monday since she is out of the office this week. I cancelled both therapy sessions for today and tomorrow. I’m just not up to it. I can do something about my arm that is very painful again though. Although it will be at the office 40 minutes away instead of two miles, my orthopedist can do an injection into that injured tendon and straighten that out for Thanksgiving. That’s one piece of good news.

Darn, darn, darn. Not what I had planned or envisioned. The best laid plans… I’ll not visit my brother until we get to the bottom of this.

I hope everybody is having a peaceful day.

Oh I’m sorry Jennifer, if it’s not one thing it’s another! Feel better soon.

Oh thank god!!! My car will be fixed tomorrow

I got my genetic results today. Nothing super significant mentioned, except I do feel validated about antidepressants. SSRIs, because of my genes, both give me higher serum levels (therefore more side effects) AND a moderate decrease in efficacy due to specific enzymes. So, at least my non-response to them make some sense! Keep in mind this just lists genetic markers, and based on that, how to use medications (as directed, with caution and considerations about dosage, and ones that are prone to cause adverse effects based on genes. This does NOT weigh side effects or how the medicine will affect you.) For example, Cymbalta was considered under "use as directed" -- but I had an allergic reaction to it. My genetic markers don't reflect that, but it doesn't mean it's a drug I can take. You know?

I guess the big question was.. where does Latuda lie in this list? All antipsychotics were in the "use as directed" column, so no precautions. We know Latuda ain't for me though! haha. We'll see what route my psychiatrist takes.

My Back.. Almost 2 weeks now

My back is still so messed up its not funny. The adjustments haven't helped yet but I know its going to be a process to get things back in line. I go back tomorrow. The muscles in my back are literally hard as a rock. My one leg is almost 3 inches shorter than the other. Pain is radiating to both legs.. I have never in my life hurt so bad. I cant sit long, I cant lay down long I can do anything long..

Hugs to anyone in need..

What a mess today was. It wasnt bad. Just long. My mom decided we needed new phones last night because my sister and my brother in law got new phones. I needed a new one so I was jjust like whatever. So we got to T mobil right at 11. We had to wait over an hour it was so busy. I saw the new Samsung flip phone that is like a flip phone but opens into a smart phone. I was super excited but my mom was telling me it was too much. But then with our plan and my trade in I got it for $400 off. Way less then any iphone and none of them were on our plan anyways and the same price as the Google pixels. I was thinking of practicailty since my old phones were always annoying to fit into my pockets because the size. So I never brought mine with me even when I was going places myself. Which is just super dangerous. But this phone just folds up neatly and its very small.

But it took forever to buy them and the guy helping us was nice and patient but kept getting weirdly distracted almost like he was a diabetic and his blood sugars were too low. My dad would get the same way. But he had to acess my apple info which was still in my dead name so he knew I was trans but didnt say anything. My mom was acting like an old lady the entire who didnt know how to use technolgy. She got a google pixel like my sister and brother in law got. But I dont know. I have a headache and a fancy new flip smart phone. I have to redownload all my apps but at least I still have my pictures.

My sleep is all messed up! I went to bed at 4 a.m. and woke up at 5:45 - pm! It was dark so I really thought it was a.m. This is my report of the day- there was none.

I found my apps. I had to swipe up not right

My phone is kinda annoying me. Its very tall and kinda narrow. Typing is strange I'll have to get used to it. The guy said these phones are super fragile so I only plan on closing it when its in my pocket.

Do you keep your music on iTunes when you switch from an iPhone? I've always wondered but just stuck with iPhones so I never checked it out.

Is this one of those phones that close in half?

I use Amazon prime music. I dont use itunes I pay $11 a month and I've never really checked out anything else. I was told my Beats headphones will work with my phone and I thought those were only apple. Im guessing anything will work. I dont know.

I just went from an iPod to an iPhone 4 and have never used another service because I don't listen to music that much. Most of what is on my current iPhone was purchased at least 5 years ago. I just hate to lose the money I've spent over the years on purchases.

Thanks!

Oh man school is a lot right now plus my car broke down yesterday on my way to work. 6am on side fo the highway. $215 to fix.

I can’t wait for the end of the dang semester

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed [trigger]I read that skinny people are skinny because they snort cocaine and are addicted to xanax.

Haha. Hmm. I was skinny prior to Seroquel and wasn't using any drugs

My facebook was hacked today so I had to delete my profile and create an entirely new account. I lost 10 plus years worth of photos. My own fault really, I should of had the photos saved to an external hard drive but I didn't do that so lesson learned. Will do that from now on so I don't lose anything again if my account is ever hacked again.

I slept most of the day, and missed my appointment for my abilify injection so I have to reschedule that to next week.

Tonight I've been extremely nauseous and have thrown up.

It's just been not the best day, but I did get my turkey basket. Everyone in the apartment complex gets a free whole frozen turkey and a big box full of all the stuff to make sides for Thanksgiving. So I have the turkey thawing now so I can cook it on Thursday