Bipolar check-in #60

My husband called our contact regarding of our car from the US. All along she has been quite nice and helpful. Both Hubby and I are getting impatient with the delay, so I suggested that he call to ask if there is "anything we could do" to help quicken the remaining process. Anyway, she said it will hopefully be ready for pickup sometime next week, or just after. That is encouraging, but we won't be relieved until we're sitting in the bugger. I'd like to have it, ideally, by November 22, the day before my next psychiatrist and therapist appointments. Then we'll know approximately when we're doing the road trip. I'll need medication refills and may need to schedule/reschedule future appointments, accordingly.

My moods have been fluctuating lately. Not so much on the "up" end, but between mildly depressed and kinda sorta OK. Well...a few moments here and there Hubby said I was revved up. Once the contact I mentioned above calls to say the car is ready, stuff will be happening. I've been wondering how I'll react when it happens. Will it turn out so stressful that I explode? Or be a thrill that feels like rapid progress is finally coming? If the latter, I sure hope the experience would not exceed a hypomanic state. Beyond that it becomes quite counterproductive for me.

Rather a sleepless night. I’m so draggy that I’m unsure about aqua fitness this morning. I’d love to go back to bed but it’s turned into a chunk of rock with a cement pillow. I need to shower and I just can’t get there. Guess I’ll go try a shower.

Today has just been awful and it’s only 10. I mean it’s been a complete **** storm. I woke up wide awake at 1AM. I knew I’d be up. I watched some TV. I went to weigh myself and I was a pound heavier then I was yesterday and I was literally only .2 away from my goal weight. It was so frustrating I went on a rage and threw away all of my soda thinking that picking up on soda again was why my weight was stalling. I threw away loads of it. I took 2 Valium in a row. Had zero caffeine. I had some mint tea. My anxiety was an 11. I was just like enraged for reasons I don’t even know why. I contacted my endocrinologist through my portal and told him about my mood swings and my anger and asked him if I could do my blood test now because maybe my testosterone levels are of whack from my surgery and maybe they need to be adjusted. That’s the only thing I can think of of why I’m so ****ing angry all the time. Then I had therapy. I didn’t wear a hat because I just got my haircut and I thought it looked pretty good and manly. I ended up having diarrhea of the mouth and spilling out the Ativan incident on Sunday. Then the issues with the Valium. I didn’t mean to tell her all that. She got pissed a bit. I flat out told her I was addicted to my Valium and she said that she was glad I told her that. Then I forget how we got into the topic but she said I’m “pretty” passable as a guy. And I didn’t know what she meant by that comment and so I asked her what wasn’t “passable” about me and she said “I don’t know. Your eyes maybe?” Then she made some comment about my hair and now I’m freaking out that I’m not as passable as I thought I was and I really do feel very uncomfortable and kinda hurt by her comments about my looks. I spent the ride home looking at my eyes in the mirror. They have been bothering me physically for awhile. I’ve had blurry vision and I also scratched the left one on a piece of cardboard the other day but I didn’t think they made me look that feminine. Honestly her comments just really rubbed me the wrong way. Plus she wants to see me every week even though I can’t afford to and she wants me to sign a release so she can talk to my Pdoc. Which I straight up said I wouldn’t do. By next week she wants me to have talked to my Pdoc and my primary.

But I don’t know. With everything that went on today the comments about my appearance made me feel the worst. I hope I hear from my doctor soon and all I need is an increase in my testosterone dose.

Does anyone think it was kind of rude of her to make these comments when I didn’t even bring up passing as male in the first place?

today can go suck a fat one.

My day did get better. I dragged myself into the shower and then to aqua fitness. The water and the movement helped my mood quite a bit.

My endocrinologist called back. He wants to see me earlier then February. He wants to see me on December 11th. But he told me to go ahead with the blood work so I went and did that this afternoon. If he sees anything he’ll call and schedule me before December. I then called my Pdoc and told him my therapist wanted me to talk to him because my anxiety was really bad. I didn’t mention the Valium but I asked if he’d prescribe me visteril again. It’s not the greatest and it doesn’t exactly work well with weight loss. It doesn’t cause weight gain but it’s basically impossible to lose weight on it no matter how hard you try. Getting off it last December is actually what jumpstarted my weight loss. But it works well in addition to a benzo. So the receptionist will talk to him and see what he can do. So I don’t know. I just took my Geodon 20 with my topamax and an Atkins shake and my anxiety is still super high. Like the meds just went right through me. I’ve had zero caffeine today. I’m wondering if Atkins shakes can mess with your meds or something. I’ve been drinking a lot of them almost every day. Or if it really is just situational anxiety. I have my last post op appointment with my gynecologist tomorrow. Then my trip next week. Then I’m going out of town for Thanksgiving after that. So I could just be super nervous about all that. Part of me just thinks I need a burger and fries from Five Guys to feel better and give all this strict dieting a break. I don’t know. I’m confused.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Today has just been awful and it’s only 10. I mean it’s been a complete **** storm. I woke up wide awake at 1AM. I knew I’d be up. I watched some TV. I went to weigh myself and I was a pound heavier then I was yesterday and I was literally only .2 away from my goal weight. It was so frustrating I went on a rage and threw away all of my soda thinking that picking up on soda again was why my weight was stalling. I threw away loads of it. I took 2 Valium in a row. Had zero caffeine. I had some mint tea. My anxiety was an 11. I was just like enraged for reasons I don’t even know why. I contacted my endocrinologist through my portal and told him about my mood swings and my anger and asked him if I could do my blood test now because maybe my testosterone levels are of whack from my surgery and maybe they need to be adjusted. That’s the only thing I can think of of why I’m so ****ing angry all the time. Then I had therapy. I didn’t wear a hat because I just got my haircut and I thought it looked pretty good and manly. I ended up having diarrhea of the mouth and spilling out the Ativan incident on Sunday. Then the issues with the Valium. I didn’t mean to tell her all that. She got pissed a bit. I flat out told her I was addicted to my Valium and she said that she was glad I told her that. Then I forget how we got into the topic but she said I’m “pretty” passable as a guy. And I didn’t know what she meant by that comment and so I asked her what wasn’t “passable” about me and she said “I don’t know. Your eyes maybe?” Then she made some comment about my hair and now I’m freaking out that I’m not as passable as I thought I was and I really do feel very uncomfortable and kinda hurt by her comments about my looks. I spent the ride home looking at my eyes in the mirror. They have been bothering me physically for awhile. I’ve had blurry vision and I also scratched the left one on a piece of cardboard the other day but I didn’t think they made me look that feminine. Honestly her comments just really rubbed me the wrong way. Plus she wants to see me every week even though I can’t afford to and she wants me to sign a release so she can talk to my Pdoc. Which I straight up said I wouldn’t do. By next week she wants me to have talked to my Pdoc and my primary. But I don’t know. With everything that went on today the comments about my appearance made me feel the worst. I hope I hear from my doctor soon and all I need is an increase in my testosterone dose. Does anyone think it was kind of rude of her to make these comments when I didn’t even bring up passing as male in the first place?

Yes, I think her comment was uncalled for. Remember that she's giving you information about herself, not about you.

I think her comments were inappropriate and hurtful. I’m sorry that happened to you.

I’m tired. Is it just me or is it a lot of work trying to get set up for a trip? It doesn’t help that every time I do something for myself like this trip or Tuesday’s coffee date, mom says she’s deteriorating. I don’t even know how to respond to that. Today I finally said make me a list of your needs that aren’t being met and I’ll work them into the rotation. She sighed and closed her eyes. I feel manipulated.

I have a good friend who I have supported tremendously on frequent occasions who does not always reciprocate. It’s disappointing. I’m not sure how I will handle that as I’ve talked to her about it before.

It was a beautiful day and I enjoyed some time outside.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

I'm absolutely done with doctors, at least for now. Almost cried at the doctor's office from anxiety and panic. I don't know what caused it. I'm done worrying about this ****. I did the breath test to check for a bacteria that may be causing the anemia, but the invasive stuff is off the table. I'll take the iron pills (if I can even find a time to do it. It's super complicated with the way I am taking meds now to even find a spot where I can take it in the evenings and not have side effects from other meds) and leave it at that -- or just not even take the iron pills. My mom has texted me 30 times now about the iron pills telling me she read this or that or take it with this and don't do this or that. I don't know why she is so fixated on the darn iron pills.

I am just done all together with everything. I am remotely healthy -- I won't be making a followup appointment. There will be no invasive procedures to check for anything. Anemia of unknown origin can just stay unknown if this test doesn't come back positive. I have a splitting headache and I don't want to deal with anyone. I'm just sick of all the stress of these doctor visits. I always feel I have to prove myself in some way or another. Next time I see the psychiatrist I will have to convince her that my medicines help, how I am affected, and why I identify with my diagnosis. That'll be fun.


Today just isn't my day. I'm going to bed early and I'm not even gonna think twice about it. This day is over as far as I'm concerned.

I do really think the meds I take at night are causing a lot of issues for me. I ran out of melatonin and I threw out my Benadryl tonight. I’m not sure how to fix my sleep schedule naturally. But I know if I get that under control and ditch the caffeine then things will get better anxiety wise. but I think the meds may be the issue. I don’t know how much anxiety Benadryl causes. Right now my anxiety is decent right now I’m just trying to stay up as late as possible but I’m already exhausted even without sleep meds and it’s not even 4:30. So things are majorly screwed up with my sleep. I have Project Runway season 4 on right now. But I don’t know how to make it until 9:30-10.

My freakin' gynecologist that I saw one time could tell from that one appointment that I have an eating disorder while I've been seen at the same mental health center for two maybe even three years and they still haven't figured it out. They ask "do you eat?" and I say "yes," but they don't follow up with "how much?" or "what do you do afterwards?" but the minute you say you've had trouble sleeping it's "why haven't you gone back to the IBHU?"

I'm still in a pissy mood. I flipped out at my therapist today because she told me to tell my NP that I haven't been sleeping well and I just went off on I haven't slept well consistently since May and I always tell her that but she never does a frrking thing about it because there is nothing more that can be done! I've tried a million different things and I'm just not meant to sleep more than 5 hours a night. I really need to drop the propranolol though. My blood pressure is still low despite cutting my dose in 1/3 and it's definitely not dehydration causing it.

I'm going to try some of those things mentioned in the thread I started about agitation. I already got back into crocheting but I ran out of yarn so perhaps a Walmart run tomorrow if I can handle it.

I'm so happy! I'm getting TV again!!! I've been without for four loooooooooooong years. A casual friend recommended cutting the cable and watching online. It's been very inconvenient (watching the six o'clock news at 9:00pm for example, running a cable across the floor, a tripping hazard, constantly fighting with my devices to find my programs, etc.).

I've also mostly given up watching on my flat-screen TV since my tablet died and i've been using the laptop i was using to run TV off as my main computer here on my table. I've been limping along watching TV on my phone which is hard on my hands, arms, eyes, shoulders and neck and really isn't a big enough screen. Meanwhile my nice big SONY flat-screen TV has been largely a clock except for the occasional DVD movie.

I was feeling down and sitting in the foodcourt at the mall and i spied our mall's branch of the vendor who sold me my phone a month ago. I've had phone service with them for several years. So i thought: why not inquire, i've been dying of boredom, unable to develop a new hobby and the Christmas holidays are looming, a very difficult time for me with no family to celebrate with.

So i went down and asked and there is a new "casting" device that plugs into a regular flat-screen TV and turns it into a smart TV and you can "stream" all sorts of channels from your phone! I can watch the six o'clock news at 6:00pm! The new Internet and TV service costs about what i am paying just for my current Internet-only service. Aces! Glad to get the use out of my phone, it cost a fortune.

So excited! My installation guy comes on the 19th so just nine more days until i have TV TV TV TV TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The future looks so much brighter, i'll have TV to comfort me during the dreadful holidays ahead!

Hugs to all!

@whatever2013. That sounds great!

Seems a lot of us want to go to bed early tonight. I am in bed and it's only 8:07. But I like getting up early.

I was thinking about this tonight. So. There are studies linking bipolar disorder to higher levels of creativity within individuals. And I sat here and thought about it. I suffer a lot from this disorder at times. It can be a lot to handle, it's the reason I am disabled. But if it were miraculously to be taken away, would I lose the part of me that is an artist, poet, and writer? Are there not aspects of this disorder that are actually positive and rather remarkable? If I had never been depressed, I may never have spent time writing or drawing. If I had never been manic, I wouldn't have explored things like being transgender, changing my style or wardrobe, doing wild things with my hair, having adventures...watching all those Marvel movies...setting goals, and following through with them. How much of my life would be entirely different? Because it would take away the suffering, but it would also take away all the good. I've been to 29 states and some of it was because of my impulsivity and desire to simply experience.

I've come to reflect on bipolar being like the sun and moon, day and night, sunrise and sunset. It is a balance. The earth functions in cycles too. The moon has cycles. What if I am closer to the earth in my spirituality because I understand the meaning of cycles? I have been in a mindset in the past that my mental illness is only suffering and only a negative part of my existence. I am beginning to have a different perspective. If this is a part of me, I don't want to spend my life hating it. Can't there also be meaning and beauty within bipolar illness? I think so.

Well, that's it. That's where I am tonight. Deep philosophical thinking.

I had a fantastic day today! I was a little jumpy and I did drive 80-85mph down to work (I haven’t gone above 75 except to pass in a loooong time) but lo and behold my student seems to be afflicted with this monster or something like it because she was waaaay up there too! She ran to class and was doing vigorous laps between the desks so I suggested a run outside and we both got to move and get energy out.

Basically she and I effed off all day lol. She did a little work because cooler heads prevailed and I did require it but we went outside and goofed around. And since I am also exuberant today we had a great time, we swung on swings and she taught me dance moves and how to balance on one leg (did you know you’re not supposed to put your arms all the way out?). We talked for about 20. Minutes outside in the AM and she got a little heated talking about certain subjects but she didn’t get out of control.

Anyway I came home and prepared a semi-involved meal, at least as involved as I could make it given the ingredients I had on hand. Shoot I’ve just remembered I never made the crescent roll apple “pies”. I was gonna make them for RS but he didn’t come home until 6:15, I thought he’d be home earlier but he got held up. I was kinda sad that he wasn’t there to see my masterpiece or eat it hot. Masterpiece isn’t the right word I guess but it’s more involved cooking than I’ve been able to do for weeks on a weeknight.

I spent time today reading up on how to use stainless steel pans. I’ve only ever used nonstick which really aren’t useful for serious cooking like searing meat. Not that I eat much meat but still. I feel like I should get one.

I wanted to go down and ORGANIZE THE ******* PANTRY but it gets dark so early and I really don’t like skulking around the basement at “night”. I’ve always had a thing about basements, they’re creepy. I mean ours now is not nearly as creepy as the last one, there’s sufficient light and it’s not all damp and musty. But still.

Not really sure what to do with myself right now. It’s 8:20pm. I don’t have a lot left to clean or organize up here.

The worst thing is though this could flip like a switch tomorrow but I guess I won’t know until I wake up.

This is a very cool perspective, Thank You.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 I'm so happy! I'm getting TV again!!! I've been without for four loooooooooooong years. A casual friend recommended cutting the cable and watching online. It's been very inconvenient (watching the six o'clock news at 9:00pm for example, running a cable across the floor, a tripping hazard, constantly fighting with my devices to find my programs, etc.). I've also mostly given up watching on my flat-screen TV since my tablet died and i've been using the laptop i was using to run TV off as my main computer here on my table. I've been limping along watching TV on my phone which is hard on my hands, arms, eyes, shoulders and neck and really isn't a big enough screen. Meanwhile my nice big SONY flat-screen TV has been largely a clock except for the occasional DVD movie. I was feeling down and sitting in the foodcourt at the mall and i spied our mall's branch of the vendor who sold me my phone a month ago. I've had phone service with them for several years. So i thought: why not inquire, i've been dying of boredom, unable to develop a new hobby and the Christmas holidays are looming, a very difficult time for me with no family to celebrate with. So i went down and asked and there is a new "casting" device that plugs into a regular flat-screen TV and turns it into a smart TV and you can "stream" all sorts of channels from your phone! I can watch the six o'clock news at 6:00pm! The new Internet and TV service costs about what i am paying just for my current Internet-only service. Aces! Glad to get the use out of my phone, it cost a fortune. So excited! My installation guy comes on the 19th so just nine more days until i have TV TV TV TV TV!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! The future looks so much brighter, i'll have TV to comfort me during the dreadful holidays ahead! Hugs to all!

Hi there! I remember you! I'm so glad you're getting a TV! No matter what anyone says, there's something comforting about TV.

Quote:

Originally Posted by cinnamonsun I was thinking about this tonight. So. There are studies linking bipolar disorder to higher levels of creativity within individuals. And I sat here and thought about it. I suffer a lot from this disorder at times. It can be a lot to handle, it's the reason I am disabled. But if it were miraculously to be taken away, would I lose the part of me that is an artist, poet, and writer? Are there not aspects of this disorder that are actually positive and rather remarkable? If I had never been depressed, I may never have spent time writing or drawing. If I had never been manic, I wouldn't have explored things like being transgender, changing my style or wardrobe, doing wild things with my hair, having adventures...watching all those Marvel movies...setting goals, and following through with them. How much of my life would be entirely different? Because it would take away the suffering, but it would also take away all the good. I've been to 29 states and some of it was because of my impulsivity and desire to simply experience. I've come to reflect on bipolar being like the sun and moon, day and night, sunrise and sunset. It is a balance. The earth functions in cycles too. The moon has cycles. What if I am closer to the earth in my spirituality because I understand the meaning of cycles? I have been in a mindset in the past that my mental illness is only suffering and only a negative part of my existence. I am beginning to have a different perspective. If this is a part of me, I don't want to spend my life hating it. Can't there also be meaning and beauty within bipolar illness? I think so. Well, that's it. That's where I am tonight. Deep philosophical thinking.

One of my complaints about meds for BD is that my natural creativity is suppressed.

Also, I believe that cultural norms are a thing. Were we living in a very different culture, especially in times long past our "symptoms" may have been interpreted as entirely different than they are in our society.

And, I know I'm not alone in questioning whether someone as great as, say, Vincent VG would have produced his art were he on meds? Probably not - but then look how his life ended.

Mental health disorders really are disabling. People with mental illnesses have to make enormous choices, more so than neurotypical people do.

Mania is amazing and wonderful and magical - until it isn't. That's the problem.

I'm sleeping 😴 all the time I'm not much of a guest. My sister is sick and so am I and h. We decided not to move this far north. I don't want to move at all but H does. We'll see.i don't want to vacation anymore but it's hard because we don't live around all of our family. My teeth are bad and all my home state does is pull teeth. And other things other states offers. So I don't know.

Miguel got his first rejection letter from a job. We told him to frame it that not everyone can apply to x company. He's stressed and has a lot of work before we go home. He may have to pay for classes this semester they were nice and substituted a class and now he won't be full time. he's taking an extra class but we won't know if they'll count. So a lot of stuff is up in the air. We should be heading home Saturday.

usually benadryl helps with anxiety and sleep. it is the PM attached to advil tylenol PM that is benadryl. I am sorry you think it caused the exact opposite.
bizi

I got my blood work done today, then I talked to my primary care doctor afterward. He said everything came back good (thyroid, liver, kidney, electrolytes etc), he also said my risk of diabetes is low, I'm not even near pre-diabetic which I'm so happy about because I was really worried about that due to family history of it and the APs increasing the risk, so that's really good news. My cholesterol was a little elevated, it typically is. I need to work on that with some diet changes and more exercise, he said they don't typically start people on cholesterol meds until they're around 40 years old, I'm 27 so am too young for that.

Otherwise, I had some anxiety today about worrying that my place isn't clean enough. Just a weird reoccurring obsession I have, that's not based in reality. I'm planning on working on that with my therapist when we meet next week, because it's causing me problems, such as severe panic attacks.

Tomorrow I've got to walk over to the library to pick up some of my requests that are in

It's crazy how fast Thanksgiving is coming up. I'm planning on making pumpkin brownies and also chocolate chip pumpkin bread

Ooo that sounds good blue bird, yum. Glad your blood work was all positive.

Stuck in my head.

Hugs all around