Bipolar check-in #60

I had a few days when I didn't have my anxiety attacks. I don't know why, but the attacks just stopped. It was nice while it lasted.

But they're back now. I start off with an attack as soon as I wake up and then it's on and off though out the day.

I see my pdoc about this on Thursday. I hope she can prescribe something that I can take as needed.

My drugs have stayed covered but for some reason I can no longer get my latuda coved for 90 days, it must be every 30 days now and always at the last minute. Barely any overlap. Before I always got it with about a week left. That’s the only non generic medication I have. Everything else is generic and all except one are given to me for 90 days.

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Originally Posted by Nammu They took me from icu where I had been strapped in bed for three days to the psych ward and I was so terrified I tried to leave so they shot me up with Thorazine, I passed out( when I came to [strapped in a bed again]the doctor asked if I had fainted on purpose! I was under 100lbs hadn’t eaten for over a week, been in icu three days and was scared to death and he thought fainting was a choice?) then for the next three or four days I had a head tremor. All I knew about psych ward s was from the movie One Flew Over the Cookoo’s Nest. The first thing I saw was two people doing the Thorazine shuffle with vacant eyes.

What you've described is nothing less than traumatic.

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Originally Posted by Scooter9 I had a few days when I didn't have my anxiety attacks. I don't know why, but the attacks just stopped. It was nice while it lasted. But they're back now. I start off with an attack as soon as I wake up and then it's on and off though out the day. I see my pdoc about this on Thursday. I hope she can prescribe something that I can take as needed.

I'm having pretty much the same thing. I'm curious to know what she'll prescribe for you. My pdoc appt. is on Tuesday...we'll see.

Hi @bizi. Yes, a thin sharp knife is needed, so I even sharpened one right before. However, the recipe also calls for soaking the hazelnuts in water for two hours before incorporating into the dough. This softens them a bit, facilitating the cutting within the dough. It was no problem. These were comparatively easy to make.

Not as fancy looking as others I've made, but especially delicious with Earl Grey tea with milk and sugar. Pictured. Some with cocoa, some without.

I think with bipolar disorder there are issues that are stronger during some parts of the day than others. I specifically remember a multi-year period when I would be more down in mood in the mornings through early afternoon, then shoot up. Then I'd manage to sleep and then repeat.

I could barely see your last paragraph. It seems to be in white font on a white background. It was totally invisible in your original post, but I can faintly see it above in the reply form. Correction: Faintly see it in the reply form during the editing mode. Once submitted it is invisible again. By the way, you can write as many paragraphs as you like. We must all sometimes get the bad stuff out.

I often get up as late as 8:30 am. Or rather, I may get up at 7:30 am to make and eat breakfast, then my husband and I go back to bed.

I agree that encountering friendly and considerate people in public is nice. I miss that since I rarely go out in CZ, nowadays. It seems so many in the US have become hostile, but obviously not all are. There are still sweet people out there.

I don't want to seem discouraging, but be careful the type of hospital volunteer job you accept. I once volunteered at one and they gave me a real s**t job. When I asked for at least some more interesting or less painful work, the "supervisor" scolded me in a nasty way. I quit because I didn't deserve that...ever, but certainly not when working FOR FREE. Yes, sometimes volunteers are given the junk the paid people don't like to do. I suspected they went through volunteers for that assignment for the same reasons.

I don't know if this would apply at all to psych meds, but I heard on the news that one of the political parties in the US is trying to pass a law to force the lowering of the outrageous insulin prices from like almost $300 (something like that) per month to $35, but the other party (guess which) won't vote for it. Costs seem to be a real issue for some with diabetes. The drug companies make sure the prices stay high for the sake of increased profits. As about 10% of the US population is diabetic, not lowering prices is almost criminal, or at least cruel, in my view.

I've noticed myself getting obsessively too into projects, lately. I'm talking WAY too into them. I had to take a little step back yesterday, and want to ensure I moderate. I just plain feel stressed. There are reasons, but also not good ones.

I finally started playing MY music on the CD player. Perhaps hard to believe, but I haven't at all this past year. Hubby has such a convoluted electronics setup that I've just not bothered. We always listen to his music, which other than classical music is cheesy 1960s and 1970s Czech music. Even the car only has that. The stations he plays sometimes have a few songs I like, but mostly the cheesy stuff. I used to mostly only listen to my music in my car, but now I never drive. When he does he only wants his crap. Since he's ALWAYS home, it's not like I can easily listen to mine without him complaining. So now I demanded my stuff, so he's outside. I've started feeling deprivation, in many ways. When he got me set up he immediately turned the bass down. Once the sucker left the house the bass went up again. Much of the music I like is rock from the 1970s through 1990s. There's a 13 year age difference between us, so the generational difference shows.

The Cranberries song I'm listening to now "Empty" so perfectly states how I've felt. Dolores O'Riordan the lead singer, sadly died a few years ago from drowning due to alcohol intoxication. She was my age. She also battled bipolar disorder, from what I've read. If interested, see Cranberries star Dolores O'Riordan battled bipolar disorder in years before tragic death - Daily Record

Good morning guys! Didn't get to sleep until 5am today. My kitty is adjusting really well. Also she's helping me a lot with my anxiety. Here's a picture of us. My apartment building had their holiday dinner the other day. Here's a picture of the food. Chicken parmesan, penne Alla vodka, potatoes, and veggies. They also gave everyone a gift bag from a local bookstore. Mine had some bath and beauty products, a paperback book, a canister of mocha drink mix, and this mug.
I went to my self-care art group on Friday. We made collages with the theme of thankfulness.

I hope everyone's is doing well :grouhug:

Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

So I screwed up. My son wanted smaller then a full okay a twin. So we went through all the beds to get a twin. Got a mattress pad and everything. Then I offered his bed to my sister. Well he didn't get that he'd be giving up his current bed. 😳 But now doesn't want to take it back. I was doing all this because he's been so good at downsizing and even gives up his room to his baby cousin when he visits. I feel horrible.i don't know what he thought. But he knows how comfortable that bed is so he worries about a new one. We've told him to go pick a new mattress but he doesn't want to waste $.

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I think with bipolar disorder there are issues that are stronger during some parts of the day than others. I specifically remember a multi-year period when I would be more down in mood in the mornings through early afternoon, then shoot up. Then I'd manage to sleep and then repeat. I could barely see your last paragraph. It seems to be in white font on a white background. It was totally invisible in your original post, but I can faintly see it above in the reply form. Correction: Faintly see it in the reply form during the editing mode. Once submitted it is invisible again. By the way, you can write as many paragraphs as you like. We must all sometimes get the bad stuff out.

Thanks, Soupe.

I had some kind of weird formatting issue with that last paragraph. I'm sorry.

YES! My thought about bipolar disorder is that there are pronounced cycles within the cycles, if that makes sense. Since I was a very young child, as far back as my memory goes, my mood was strongly affected by the light changes during the day. I remember once, I was 8 years old,..my mother asked me what the weather was like outside (I had just come home from school). I told her it was a "beautiful day." My mom was mentally ill and her behavior was often erratic. She looked out of the window, saw it was raining, and became extremely angry at me. She said that NO it was not a beautiful day! it was a cold, rainy day! But to me, the most beautiful days were ones in which there was as
little light change as possible. A rainy day is close to darkness.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Good morning guys! Didn't get to sleep until 5am today. My kitty is adjusting really well. Also she's helping me a lot with my anxiety. Here's a picture of us. My apartment building had their holiday dinner the other day. Here's a picture of the food. Chicken parmesan, penne Alla vodka, potatoes, and veggies. They also gave everyone a gift bag from a local bookstore. Mine had some bath and beauty products, a paperback book, a canister of mocha drink mix, and this mug. I went to my self-care art group on Friday. We made collages with the theme of thankfulness. I hope everyone's is doing well :grouhug: Sent from my M8L using Tapatalk

Thank you for the pictures. They're a glimpse into your life. That kitten of yours is cute, cute, cute!

On my day trip to visit relatives. So far so good. It’s been a pleasant, beautiful drive with laughter and camaraderie. I feel great today. We’re going to stop by and visit my brother at his rehab facility on the way home.

The new maid was fabulous! Everything looks great for Thanksgiving. Much relief. Looking forward to the holiday now! Ready to cook.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

Yes it was traumatic and my introduction to psych hospitals. I had no idea what to expect. It certainly wasn’t helpful.

These still look very good. Maybe not as fancy as your others but I want to eat them.

Today I feel ok. That man was just on TV and just hearing his voice from the other room makes my head hurt. No matter what he’s saying. Last night I took some melatonin and my vistril since it seems to be a good sleep aid. I slept decently. I woke up kinda groggy but at my usual 5:30 time and not at 2:30 and I legit felt for the first time like I am going to be 30 in a year and a couple months. I’m dreading turning 30. But the scale was good. I’m almost at one of my short term goals and my other goal is to get there by Thanksgiving and it’s only 0.4 of a pound. So it should be pretty easy I’d guess. I’m just eating the exact, well pretty much the exact same things as yesterday. Basically I’m not really worried about anything specifically today but I do have a bit of anxiety but it seems to be just about general stuff and I’m not focused on any one thing.

It’s kind of tough to talk about some things with my therapist since she is my age but is so much bigger then I am. Like it’s hard to talk about shopping at Forever 21 or H&M or Hollister when she can’t shop there and it’s like I don’t want to offend her or anything and I avoid Old Navy because there shirts are too big. So it’s like we don’t really talk about clothes. Basically the only thing we have in common is that we both really like coffee. I’ve been to the place she’s talked about twice.

The last hospitalization got me off of geodon though I became quite psychotic. did not realize that doing so was going to be as bad as that.That was april 2020.
I needed to be there and hubby thinks I was let out too soon. THe IOP was the place that was stabilized until I quit it with one more week left I had been away from my job for 9 weeks. I had quit my business at one point trying to make things work out. covid was all the rage so I could not work until we went to phase 2.
If we go back to phase one I will have to stop working again. I don't see that happening. I get my booster shot tomorrow at 9;30am.
there is compitition in my work, some other lady is a nail tech I think. and offers manicures and pedicures, she almost stole my client. I saw her yesterday from 3-430pmand talked and she decided that she still wanted me. So that was good. I will always schedule her at the end of my day so I can spend more time with her. She is lonely and veryhandi capped.in a wheel chair.
have a great day yall!
laundry is in my future and first I need to get dressed and go out to breakfast. got up at 10 am weighed myself at 189.6!!!!!!
So I broke the 190,s hopefully never to return again. this weight loss has been bit by bit.
8 pounds lost since nov 1st.
bizi

People are making me so angry on Facebook. Usually I ignore everyone on Facebook and the crap they post and I just post memes. But this one teacher who I had in a high school that was pretty conservative has been blowing up Facebook ever since the trial. She just now was screaming about how she isn’t a racist. Which isn’t true because she made a racist comment to me about someone else when it was just me and her in a room alone. But then another teacher who sent me a transphobic PM commented on her post. The PM he sent me wasn’t nasty he wasn’t like calling me disgusting or a tranny or anything but he was just asking me to rethink my decision because god made me a women and no matter what hormones I took and stuff I’d always be a women and he was saying this all as my “friend” this was minutes after I announced my transition on Facebook. but anyways he just now said about this teachers post “it didn’t matter if our students were black or white. We loved them all. And now I am holding myself back from screaming at him “but it’s ok for you to be transphobic?” But I don’t feel like dealing with a bunch of other people from middle of nowhere trump land USA who also commented on the post who could be dangerous. But his post just really makes my blood boil. I dunno. Maybe I should send him a PM the way he sent me one saying how happy I am now with my transition.

I felt ok, almost normal, from Monday afternoon through Friday. I kept my pdoc appt even though I felt silly, like I had made a big deal over nothing. She increased seroquel xr to 200mg but I haven’t taken the new dose yet, I was just able to pick it up yesterday.

This weekend though I’ve been in a foul mood. On Friday my emotions were heightened, right at the surface. The last video we had to watch for our in service on Friday infuriated me as soon as I saw the woman (we’ve had to watch a couple of her videos and they are NOT RELATIVE And NOT PRACTICAL for the clientele we serve. Not to mention this woman must never sleep because her ideas are ridiculously time consuming when you take into account all the other things we and the teachers have to do. Sorry, I don’t get paid to work at home. Anyway I could feel my temper riding and I immediately took deep breaths and brought myself down, why should I allow work to dictate my emotional state?

Then my brother canceled on coming to my son’s birthday dinner, and my other SIL had already canceled, so I almost cried and I never ever cry. I’m going to blame it on hormones.

I’ve been very depressed and irritable this weekend. Unwilling to be in public. I’ve convinced myself that my coworkers think I’m extremely annoying and would love it if I weren’t on the team anymore. I know I can’t trust them or treat them like true friends so I’m not sure why I feel bad about it, I’ve never been able to think of people as true friends. I’ve been stuck thinking about things in the past and getting resentful about my brother’s (and his wife’s) perspective of how I was somehow the “favorite”, the golden child of the family. He seems to forget our mother did not one thing for me that she wasn’t forced into doing. Did I get more attention? Yes, because I was seriously mentally ill. I distinctly remember at least one time where she was threatened by my case manager to take me to crisis or she was going to call CPS for medical neglect. She did what they told her to do and nothing more. I also remember getting kicked out of school for a bit because she did not get me the proper immunizations, I remember having my braces on for 4 years instead of 2 because she would forget appointments and not make another until after I had told her several times, and I remember coming off Effexor cold turkey in my senior year because she quit taking me to the psychiatrist. I would have pushed that but I didn’t want to be on meds anymore anyway.

My childhood wasn’t some dream existence either. I do think he had it worse, there’s no denying that, but I had it bad too.

Anyway. I’ve been re-reading Harry Potter. Im halfway through the deathly hallows.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed ...That man was just on TV and just hearing his voice from the other room makes my head hurt. No matter what he’s saying. ...

Kinda sad that I know who you're referring to.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed People are making me so angry on Facebook. Usually I ignore everyone on Facebook and the crap they post and I just post memes. But this one teacher who I had in a high school that was pretty conservative has been blowing up Facebook ever since the trial. She just now was screaming about how she isn’t a racist. Which isn’t true because she made a racist comment to me about someone else when it was just me and her in a room alone. But then another teacher who sent me a transphobic PM commented on her post. The PM he sent me wasn’t nasty he wasn’t like calling me disgusting or a tranny or anything but he was just asking me to rethink my decision because god made me a women and no matter what hormones I took and stuff I’d always be a women and he was saying this all as my “friend” this was minutes after I announced my transition on Facebook. but anyways he just now said about this teachers post “it didn’t matter if our students were black or white. We loved them all. And now I am holding myself back from screaming at him “but it’s ok for you to be transphobic?” But I don’t feel like dealing with a bunch of other people from middle of nowhere trump land USA who also commented on the post who could be dangerous. But his post just really makes my blood boil. I dunno. Maybe I should send him a PM the way he sent me one saying how happy I am now with my transition.

Stand proud! I'm disgusted by the ignorant ones.

But at least I am starting to feel calmer now about everything. It was just a lot to handle today and I don’t normally get worked up like that over stuff on Facebook. But I held my ground and I ignored them. I know the second covid shot messed with my mental health a bit but I don’t think that was it I think I was just sensitive today for some reason.

My mom wants to go phone shopping in the morning. Phone shopping when I was 12 would have been amazing. Phone shopping at 28 just feels like a chore. But I dropped my already preowned phone into the toilet (luckily it was before I used the toilet) back in 2019 and it never completely recovered even with the rice. I’m not sure how my mom expects me to afford a new phone. But whatever I guess. She wants to get google pixels. My sister and brother in law have them and really like them. I honestly don’t care what kind of phone I have anymore. Before all I wanted was an iPhone. Now I just want a phone that has a good camera and internet. I’d like one that I can hook my beats up to though. Supposedly there’s some pretty good Black Friday deals going on now.

Today has been better than the last few. Let's not speak too soon but I think the crying spells have passed. Not looking forward to this week. I don't even know how to tackle it. It's overwhelming. Hope everyone is doing well today.

I feel afraid to even think it, but the micro-dose of perphenazine seems to have calmed my anxiety a fair amount. God please.

I have my Monday appointment with my therapist tomorrow. I really need that appointment, I sure hope she doesn't cancel. With her I never know whether or not she'll be there until I see her face.

I had much chore work to do today, so I'm listening to my holiday playlist for the first time this year. I enjoy Christmas (classic) music and I love the lights and decorations. When my children were young I'd choose a theme and we'd decorate our porch with lights and shiny, sparkly things. I miss that. The one I remember best was a fairy theme. We made the whole porch light up and sparkly with as much pink as I could find. Those bright pink lights were so pretty!