Bipolar check-in #60

Thanks, Nammu.

This anxiety/panic...I don't know what to do. I'm using my therapy "tools," they help a little bit, especially using breathwork. The Klonopin helped for about 2 hours, now I'm back to the anxiety. Honestly, I wish I could get my hands on some Haldol and just knock myself out. I am such a reader, but I can't read! It's crazy. I seem to be able to watch things on TV or online. I did mop today, and took all of my recycling to the dumpster. David's due to come by after a while, he's bringing me some groceries. Maybe I'll be calmer when he's here.

Omg I've been awake for 22 hours! I woke up at 330am Friday morning and it's 2am now. I was out at a gathering with some friends this evening.

I'm scared but I'm brave and fearless

I’ve refrained from posting anything substantial here for a week now. The break didn’t prove any better or worse than being here daily. I guess I just don’t get much out of anything these days, but something is better than nothing I guess. It’s getting harder to not completely isolate even from social interactions on the internet. I’m not sure how I’m gonna overcome it this time.

I’ve entered into a depression, and a rough one at that. Can’t get out of bed, crying, reliving past issues and finding myself in situations that I just don’t know how to overcome emotionally. I guess that is probably expected when you abruptly stop your medicine for bipolar depression. I have therapy and my psychiatrist Tuesday. I am really worried she is gonna push an antidepressant on me, and my history with them have been awful. I’m too weak and worn out to argue though. I’ll just accept what she wants and give no push back. It’s not worth advocating for myself, I’ve learned that the hard way.

Therapy is feeling like a chore and so is seeing a psychiatrist to figure out medicine. I want to give them both up but I can see being depressed as a blessing – I don’t have the energy to make the call and cancel. I know logically I do need both and better quality of life can follow, but I can’t see beyond the here and now with the pain, I guess.

Like I said, I don’t leave my house, I don’t have friends – my phone doesn’t ring, I don’t get texts, other than living with my mother, I am in fact alone. I don’t leave these four walls unless necessary. My life has always on some level been this way, but it’s worse than ever now and I don’t really want to change, I kind of want to isolate even more. It’s not like I have a lot more isolation I could do.. but giving up outside contact (appointments) is where I feel I could spare myself the pain.

I promised myself if I came back to the forum after my break I wouldn’t bear my soul about my issues – not only do I regret doing it every time, it’s ridiculous to think someone who isn’t paid would care to the extent of sharing the way I do. That’s not a jab at the forum or the support people give here, it’s just a personal sentiment about how I feel about my sharing habits.

The only thing I’ve decided I have to do between now and Monday evening is try to at least sum up a lot of the issues I’m having right now to talk to my therapist. An hour just isn’t enough time to get through it and the context is important. I can highlight in a few sentences the things I feel should be known, and focus then on the pressing, distressing stuff of the present moment. That’s about the most logical thing I can do right now I think.

Let’s see if I get the energy to shower today. Low self-esteem really perpetuates the fact I am unlovable, ugly, disgusting, stupid, and boring. My lack of being able to maintain relationships or even get people to show interest in me after meeting me only makes it that much worse. Showering does make me feel better sometimes though. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to overcome those feelings or the need to be isolated and alone.

I’ve shared quite a bit more than I wished to today, and in the future it’ll probably be less than this. It is what it is, though. I struggle to think how much therapy could really help me in the end. Oh well.

@WindsThatBlow thinking of you.

Hallelujah! Amen! Yay! Yippee! My brother is doing well and will be going to rehab for 4 weeks. That takes an enormous stress off me and gives me a huge break and time to find long term placement at a quality place. I love my brother - I just can’t care for him.

Tomorrow is my day trip to visit my relatives and my daughter. My sister is driving. True story…I went to an Elton John concert one time where my sister drove my family there and back and I left my daughter a good bye letter telling her I loved her. Because of my sister’s aggressive driving, I was certain we’d not return. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain as well. I’m going to be on tenterhooks whilst traveling. I definitely would insist on driving if it wouldn’t cause one big fight. I am nervous about the driving.

Today is the first day since last Friday that I’ve felt well. I made it to the Smokies last week one town at a time. Hallelujah for small miracles!

I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend!

Windsthatblow, we do care because most of us have been there. That feeling of emptiness and taking up space and not wanting to be around others.

I isolated in my apartment for over a year once. I stopped going anywhere. Only forced to make runs to the grocery store very late when I wouldn’t see people for my cat. If it hadn’t been for him I would not have gone anywhere. I stopped answering the phone and eventually it stopped ringing. The door, oh no I’d not answer the door at all.

I only sought help when my depression went into a mixed state, I couldn’t handle that at all. It took me about a week to figure out how to go. Taking the second bus because the first might have too many people. Walking to a hotel to catch a cab for the second part where. No busses went. But I ventured out.

You will get though this, we do understand. I didn’t post here either during that time. I wrote one post where I was honest about the situation and received many supportive replies and urged to seek help. But at that time I wasn’t ready so I withdrew. I do get it. Gentle hugs if you accept them.

It's been quiet since getting our car. Nevertheless, I do still show signs of stress. This morning I literally "lost" something two seconds after "putting it somewhere". It was a bag of hazelnuts. This type of situation has been happening more and more. It's so notable that it's become disconcerting. I made such a big deal about the hazelnuts that my husband went to the kitchen to look for them. He found them in the utensils drawer, of all places. The only reason I can think of is that I was putting away the scissors at a similar time. Anyway, they're found. Otherwise I'd start to think that God was playing with me.

Um, I made a new variety of cookies. This one is named after the first president of independent Czechoslovakia, Tomas Garrigue Masaryk. They are shortbread type cookies with hazelnuts. They're slice and bake types, so you see the cross sections of the hazelnuts.

I feel like a completely different person then I’ve been feeling these last few weeks. Last night I was feeling kinda crappy as a result of the booster shot so I fell asleep around 5:15 and I didn’t wake up until 6:30 this morning. I for sure needed that amount of sleep. I haven’t slept good all month. Today my anxiety and moods have been manageable and I haven’t been tired either. I finished season 4 of Project Runway. It was due back today and I still had 3 episodes left so I was in a bit of a crunch but I got it done. yeah my body seems to be used to not having the testosterone now. I don’t know what to expect when I go back on it next Saturday. Or what happens if my blood levels are still high. but I’m not going to worry about it now. Today I don’t feel anything really from the booster. I have pain in my right elbow though. I got the shot in my left arm. Go figure.

I also didn’t take any melatonin at all. So it was either the lack of testosterone. Or the booster. Since I had already taken a 2 hour nap that day it was a bit surprising. I’m not too tired right now. I started project runway season 3 which I own on DVD it basically spoiled a lot of season 2 but that’s ok. I tried a new coffee place today and I got a strawberries and cream cold brew. It wasn’t bitter the way cold brew coffee usually is. It was very smooth. They asked me if I wanted whipped cream on it which I found to be kind of odd.

My face doesn’t feel like a thousand bees stung it anymore because of the inflamed acne. I’m glad things are working itself out at least for right now.

I decided not to order my glasses online. I went to the shop here in town. Much to my surprise they had a few frames I liked and that were close to what I wanted. The frames I picked were actually the cheapest of my three finalists! Wow! Plus since I have no insurance I received a 33.3% off discount which brought. The whole thing down to the same price I paid for just the lenses two years ago. Yeah! In two weeks I’ll get my new glasses and have a back up pair with my old ones. Nice 👍

Quote:

Originally Posted by WindsThatBlow I’ve refrained from posting anything substantial here for a week now. The break didn’t prove any better or worse than being here daily. I guess I just don’t get much out of anything these days, but something is better than nothing I guess. It’s getting harder to not completely isolate even from social interactions on the internet. I’m not sure how I’m gonna overcome it this time. I’ve entered into a depression, and a rough one at that. Can’t get out of bed, crying, reliving past issues and finding myself in situations that I just don’t know how to overcome emotionally. I guess that is probably expected when you abruptly stop your medicine for bipolar depression. I have therapy and my psychiatrist Tuesday. I am really worried she is gonna push an antidepressant on me, and my history with them have been awful. I’m too weak and worn out to argue though. I’ll just accept what she wants and give no push back. It’s not worth advocating for myself, I’ve learned that the hard way. Therapy is feeling like a chore and so is seeing a psychiatrist to figure out medicine. I want to give them both up but I can see being depressed as a blessing – I don’t have the energy to make the call and cancel. I know logically I do need both and better quality of life can follow, but I can’t see beyond the here and now with the pain, I guess. Like I said, I don’t leave my house, I don’t have friends – my phone doesn’t ring, I don’t get texts, other than living with my mother, I am in fact alone. I don’t leave these four walls unless necessary. My life has always on some level been this way, but it’s worse than ever now and I don’t really want to change, I kind of want to isolate even more. It’s not like I have a lot more isolation I could do.. but giving up outside contact (appointments) is where I feel I could spare myself the pain. I promised myself if I came back to the forum after my break I wouldn’t bear my soul about my issues – not only do I regret doing it every time, it’s ridiculous to think someone who isn’t paid would care to the extent of sharing the way I do. That’s not a jab at the forum or the support people give here, it’s just a personal sentiment about how I feel about my sharing habits. The only thing I’ve decided I have to do between now and Monday evening is try to at least sum up a lot of the issues I’m having right now to talk to my therapist. An hour just isn’t enough time to get through it and the context is important. I can highlight in a few sentences the things I feel should be known, and focus then on the pressing, distressing stuff of the present moment. That’s about the most logical thing I can do right now I think. Let’s see if I get the energy to shower today. Low self-esteem really perpetuates the fact I am unlovable, ugly, disgusting, stupid, and boring. My lack of being able to maintain relationships or even get people to show interest in me after meeting me only makes it that much worse. Showering does make me feel better sometimes though. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to overcome those feelings or the need to be isolated and alone. I’ve shared quite a bit more than I wished to today, and in the future it’ll probably be less than this. It is what it is, though. I struggle to think how much therapy could really help me in the end. Oh well.

In my opinion you're selling people short. Many (most?) of us DO care. We're all peers here; we understand what living with mental illness entails. We're here for support and just to communicate - but we're also here to give support and friendship to those who will accept it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 Hallelujah! Amen! Yay! Yippee! My brother is doing well and will be going to rehab for 4 weeks. That takes an enormous stress off me and gives me a huge break and time to find long term placement at a quality place. I love my brother - I just can’t care for him. Tomorrow is my day trip to visit my relatives and my daughter. My sister is driving. True story…I went to an Elton John concert one time where my sister drove my family there and back and I left my daughter a good bye letter telling her I loved her. Because of my sister’s aggressive driving, I was certain we’d not return. Tomorrow it’s supposed to rain as well. I’m going to be on tenterhooks whilst traveling. I definitely would insist on driving if it wouldn’t cause one big fight. I am nervous about the driving. Today is the first day since last Friday that I’ve felt well. I made it to the Smokies last week one town at a time. Hallelujah for small miracles! I hope everyone has a peaceful weekend!

I'm so glad things are going well for you, Jennifer. There are so many wonderful things about your life.

So WOW - you went to an Elton John concert! Where and when? How was it? I've loved his music since I was eleven. Have you seen Rocket Man?

I'm noticing something. The severe anxiety starts when I wake up and continues all day - anxiety with waves of panic. When night falls I feel sooo much calmer and more stable. I think there's something about how the light changes throughout the day that affects my brain. Night brings a safer, more peaceful mood.


I see (telehealth) my ice-cold pdoc on Tuesday. I think it's ridiculous - she's in New Mexico, I'm in northern Calif. We've never seen each other below the neck. I'd love to know why the clinic hired her.

Anyway, I'm going to propose an increase in Klonopin. Nothing else is working against the anxiety. Except perhaps a major tranquilizer.

***Beth does the Thorazine shuffle...she can't walk a straight line, but at least she's calm ***


One of these days I'll type out a post that's 5 paragraphs long.
Love all around.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I decided not to order my glasses online. I went to the shop here in town. Much to my surprise they had a few frames I liked and that were close to what I wanted. The frames I picked were actually the cheapest of my three finalists! Wow! Plus since I have no insurance I received a 33.3% off discount which brought. The whole thing down to the same price I paid for just the lenses two years ago. Yeah! In two weeks I’ll get my new glasses and have a back up pair with my old ones. Nice 👍

As one who is extremely near-sighted I am very happy for you!

so you must have a sharp knife to cut thru the hazel nuts. I love short bread cookies!

I am happy for you that your brother is going into rehab.
gives you some time to find alternative arrangements.

happy that you made it to the smokies. I am really glad that you feel better.
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

sorry have you taken thorazine before?
I have been on haldol for quite a while since I was hospitalized.
I am on fewer meds since then.I only have social anxiety. I was hospitalized last year march april-2020 then I went to IOP where I learned how to be normal again.hubby said I should have not come home from the hospital, but I was there a month and my benefits were running out. I was successfully taken off geodon, bad psychosis in the hospital I knew it was going to bad but did not know it was going to be that bad.
any way @BethRags I am so sorry that you have the anxiety.
bizi

I feel pretty bleak and dull. I think i'm going back to sleeping-in. It was 8:30am when i got up this morning. That's getting pretty late.

I applied for a volunteer gig at a nearby hospital but they are not recruiting at this time due to COVID. So that's disappointing. I have a hard time deciding if i'll go thru with volunteering. I think the volunteers at the hospital are mostly on the front line, dealing with the public. I won't like that.

I'm not a 'people-person'; i don't have good social skills and i'm too sensitive to deal with the abuse from the general public. I tried a charity gift-wrapping volunteer gig one Christmas in a desperate attempt to try and wring some pleasure out of the Christmas season and one aggressively ignorant young man told me to pick whatever wrapping paper filled the void in my life. Nice. I didn't go back.

@WindsThatBlow:

I feel lonely too. My phone doesn't ring either. I find it helps a little to take a tame trip to the mall and if someone holds a door for me or motions me in front of them i feel a little better. I hear you on the difficulty showering. I shaved my hair off many weeks ago i was so sick of being chained to the shower. It looks repellent tho so i'm not sure what is worse: feeling ugly or suffering frequent showers as my hair is greasy. I hope it improves for us both soon. You never know, i find when my depression is severe, Wellbutrin works for me. It kicks me into a nice modulated high for quite a while almost immediately. It only works when i'm at the end of my rope tho. Quite a ways to go for me but it sounds like your situation is more intense. Hope you get some relief soon.

When I first started volunteering I did so at a humane society for animals. It was fun!

Quote:

Originally Posted by bizi sorry have you taken thorazine before? I have been on haldol for quite a while since I was hospitalized. I am on fewer meds since then.I only have social anxiety. I was hospitalized last year march april-2020 then I went to IOP where I learned how to be normal again.hubby said I should have not come home from the hospital, but I was there a month and my benefits were running out. I was successfully taken off geodon, bad psychosis in the hospital I knew it was going to bad but did not know it was going to be that bad. any way @BethRags I am so sorry that you have the anxiety. bizi

Thank you, bizi I was on thorazine for a short time, about 30 years ago. The "thorazine shuffle" was so named because patients who were permanently (pretty much) hospitalized were often given very high doses of thorazine. They "shuffled" when they walked. Eventually someone figured out that thorazine shouldn't be given in such high doses.

I remember my first time on a psych ward, it was so scary because of those on Thorazine. They were mostly strapped into chairs to keep them from bumping into things. That was in the 1980’s and they were still handing out Thorazine like candy. Made me absolutely terrified to take any meds but they wouldn’t let me out unless I agreed to take AD( don’t recall which one, probably Prozac) and phenobarbital.

I was given Thorazine my first time psychotic. I had Thorazine shuffle even at 25mg. I hated it and begged not to take it and started refusing. Eventually I was switched to haldol

They took me from icu where I had been strapped in bed for three days to the psych ward and I was so terrified I tried to leave so they shot me up with Thorazine, I passed out( when I came to [strapped in a bed again]the doctor asked if I had fainted on purpose! I was under 100lbs hadn’t eaten for over a week, been in icu three days and was scared to death and he thought fainting was a choice?) then for the next three or four days I had a head tremor. All I knew about psych ward s was from the movie One Flew Over the Cookoo’s Nest. The first thing I saw was two people doing the Thorazine shuffle with vacant eyes.

Is anyone else finidng Med D drug prices to be really bad this year? As I understand it my clozapine will be nearly $200/month although I can use GoodRX and lower that some. But even then I'll be paying $100/month plus $16/3 months for a bunch more scripts. I've had a good plan the last couple of years but it was sold and now I'm worrying. Clozapine really makes things difficult; it is the thing that I make my entire year's decision on because it is so hard to find it covered.

At least now I know. I've been putting off looking for weeks.