Bipolar check-in #60

Yes it is

I don't know I just know I've lost a fair amount of weight after being put on valium. And my mind often craves meds instead of food.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Blue_Bird My facebook was hacked today so I had to delete my profile and create an entirely new account. I lost 10 plus years worth of photos. My own fault really, I should of had the photos saved to an external hard drive but I didn't do that so lesson learned. Will do that from now on so I don't lose anything again if my account is ever hacked again. I slept most of the day, and missed my appointment for my abilify injection so I have to reschedule that to next week. Tonight I've been extremely nauseous and have thrown up. It's just been not the best day, but I did get my turkey basket. Everyone in the apartment complex gets a free whole frozen turkey and a big box full of all the stuff to make sides for Thanksgiving. So I have the turkey thawing now so I can cook it on Thursday

Losing all your photos...I'm so sorry that happened to you.

I have super bad agoraphobia today. Like it is so bad I switched my in person therapy session to a remote session. And I never thought I'd go back to remote by choice. But yeah I just have the creeps today and I'm not sure why. I hope shes not too pissed and is understanding. I didnt go with my mom to get a couple things taken care of at T mobil including getting my headphones connected so I'll have to use plug in headphones on our trip. I just didnt feel like carrying around $300 headphones plus a $1000 phone. I'll take them in next week. But hopefully my therapist has some idea of how I can manage this anxiety on my trip.

I took my prescribed gedon 20 a bit early and now I'm tired. But I've eaten today and what I've eaten has been healthy. So she shouldnt be pissed at my food situation at least.

I had almost back to back appointments with my therapist, then my psychiatrist. I thought we'd have time in between for a bite of lunch, but we had to wait until after the second appointment. My visit with my therapist was most pleasurable. Unlike my past therapists, I actually have true intellectual conversations with him. His English is more than good enough for them. I always feel good after seeing him, for that reason, primarily. Being so isolated, with Hubby only, it's nice to have someone to talk to at length. The issue is that he often goes overtime. Since Hubby waits for me at a cafe, I feel a bit bad. But better getting more time than too little.

Initially my husband joined me for my psychiatrist appointments, but a) I started to want to talk to the psychiatrist without him, and b) Hubby doesn't mind sitting at a restaurant nearby or walking around, as it is a lovely area. The only issue with seeing the pdoc alone is that he's always asking what Hubby thinks of my moods. Today, I think something I said (and how I said it) made him think I needed a medication increase. I was happy to stay where I was, and wasn't asking to have a lowered dose. Then he socks out the idea of maybe putting me on Abilify in addition to my other meds. I was like "WHAT?!?!" I told him that was not a good option. Really I didn't think any change was. He even brought up Lithium, for goodness sake! That would also be a disaster as it did little for me other than give me 10 side effects and eventual kidney and thyroid damage. But I could tell he was eager to make an addition, so I suggested going slightly up on my carbamazepine ER (Tegretol XR) from 600 mg to 800 mg. Luckily he agreed to that, and even ordered a carbamazepine level. So I have to go early tomorrow morning to get that done. I told him that my old psychiatrist hadn't ordered one in ages. Years, in fact.

I get the feeling that this new psychiatrist thinks I'm often a bit elevated in mood. My old psychiatrist used to also think that. Well, yes, I have bipolar disorder, but no, it's not always a cause for concern. I think they sometimes misinterpret the energy I exude. Especially when I haven't seen people, other than Hubby, for a while. But I did admit to him that a few days ago I put a shnitzer to a couple projects I created for myself. My food blogging plans were getting a little out of hand. So, I guess it was my fault. Nevertheless, I don't think an extra 200 mg of carbamazepine ER will do me much harm. Also, he wants me to split my increased dose between morning and evening. I had been taking the whole amount only at night. Splitting it may well be helpful, for both the higher and lower ends of my bipolar disorder. I have no major qualms with carbamazepine, at reasonable doses. The only ones I had were at 1,200 mg and 1,400 mg. Both made me quite clumsy. The 1,400 mg gave me double vision. My old pdoc lowered it all the way to 600 from 1,200 mg before I moved to Europe, after telling him I had fallen down stairs twice. Does anyone remember those injuries? Since then, so far so good. Then again, I've been staying only downstairs for months now, since our main bedroom was set up. I've probably only gone upstairs three or four times in the last three months. That's Hubby's territory.

I didn't sleep all day today! In fact, I got up in the morning! Ok it was 11:30 but it still counts. I've been at Starbucks ever since. Doeone have Disney+ here? I am really enjoying "Behind the Attraction". I watched 2 or 3 episodes last night. Each one is about 45 or 50 minutes. I'm really enjoying them!

Therapy went OK, she was caring but it doesn't change how I have been feeling. I'm not really prepared for the holiday. We'll see what happens I guess. Trying my new medicine today. In lieu of Latuda we are going to try Vraylar. Plan is hopefully to use it monotherapy in the end, and then perhaps consider medications for ADD. She expressed to me that the fact I've tried so many anxiolytics with no avail makes her wonder if a non-stimulant or stimulant would help me. Apparently the self-assessment qualified me for a diagnosis. We are gonna fix my mood first before reaching out on everything else. Anxiety has never been quelled, I consider myself just an antsy, anxious person. I can handle it until my mood stabilizes. I mean I was ready to give on help with anxiety all together.

My therapy session went fine. I did it virtually and she didnt really seem to care. That I switched suddenly from in person. Shes spending thanksgiving with her friends and I dont know where her family is or anything but she is my age and it makes me kind of sad she wont be with them. I told her I was worried about going back to work and we talked about some LGBTQ friendly work places and I've seen trans employees at a few of these stores. Then she told me some to avoid. Like Hobby Lobby. I guess the session went well but I wasn't really into it. She says bottom surgery freaks her out. Yeah thats real nice. But whatever. I told her I was worried about going back on the meds and the side effects and I told her I was also worried about my blood levels still being high. It wasn't a spill my guts type therapy session the way last weeks was but I mean it was productive at least. Although I felt like I could have tried a bit harder.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 I didn't sleep all day today! In fact, I got up in the morning! Ok it was 11:30 but it still counts. I've been at Starbucks ever since. Doeone have Disney+ here? I am really enjoying "Behind the Attraction". I watched 2 or 3 episodes last night. Each one is about 45 or 50 minutes. I'm really enjoying them!

That show sounds fascinating! I don't have Disney+, though.

I have an appointment with my creepy pdoc in 2 hours. I'm anxious, despite the fact that so far, it's been a good day. Oooh, there was fog early this morning, it was lovely. I know it's dangerous if you're driving in fog, but it looks so pretty from my windows.

I've been home for about a week. There's so much to do. We're condescending all our things to our room. Beds, art supplies, dangerous thing, meds because we have an open floor plan and everything seems deadly to a 1.5 yr old. We needed to downsize. We have so much stuff. I can't believe how much stuff we've collected in 8 years. That's all we've been doing. We have probably a week left of work to make our place livable. It's exhausting.

We had dinner at Cracker Barrel - mom and I - and they had a big roaring fire that I set up housekeeping in front of for a long time. How lovely! We left the house early today and I knew as soon as I shut the door that I’d made a mistake with short sleeves and flip flops for my pedicure in below freezing weather. I got the pedicure, visited my brother, got gas, went to a movie and ate at Cracker Barrel. All with mom.

It was a great day. Lugging around the things needed for an 86 year old here, there and yonder and caring for them in general is tiring. I’ve got to hustle tomorrow too so no sleeping in. I need to turn in soon…after I watch The Mummy Returns and decompress.

This Thanksgiving is shaping up to be pleasant. Way different to last year.

I hope everyone has a peaceful Wednesday.

Appointment with the new pdoc. We literally argued through the entire 45 minute appointment. She refuses to prescribe Cogentin because she doesn't like it, whatever the hell that means. My life has been so much better since Cogentin has stopped the severe tremors I was having. For the first time in a long time I feel suicidal. Why is MY body and MY life in the control of someone like her? Why do I have to live my life with these medications? I guess I'm extremely triggered. Everything just seems horrible. I feel terrified. I'm so afraid that something really bad is going to happen.

Beth I hope you get a new pdoc sooner than you thought possible. This woman sounds unreasonable.

I'm having images of that pdoc in my mind. I wish I could forget her face. She refuses to prescribe any AP to me, called the older AP's "lame, useless stuff." I'm scared...if I have constant intrusive/weird thoughts and images going on in my mind with no AP to calm it down, that's not a life. I hate her, I really do. She kept saying "I care about you. I'm worried for your well-being. I truly care about you and want to see you feel better." Hey, if she "cared" about me she'd make an effort to understand what it's like to live with this relentless, extreme anxiety. I wish I had the money to pay a pdoc, but I don't.


I am thinking that I need to use the little bit of fight I have and check into pdocs around here. Maybe one will take my insurance (Medicare & Medicaid). I feel like I'm losing my grip. I just don't want to be here like this. I really need help. I can't do this.

@BethRags I know it's not ideal but is hospitalization an option for you? I know it sucks but I had to go in and they dx'd me changed my meds and I was out in 3 days. Now I tend to use vivid language and was on the edge of phschosis but if you can find a decent hospital. It may be worth it.

I am really nervous about this Vraylar. I cannot say if it was just anxiety but I didn't feel well last night, and I think a lot of that was exacerbated from my anxiety. I had almost a "prodrome"of how Latuda made me feel. It wasn't anywhere near as severe or long... but I don't know if it was in my head or not. I didn't sleep well at all last night. I couldn't fall asleep despite being tired and I woke up ever few hours. I am feeling OK right now but a lot of fear of continuing the medicine. The worst part is that its half-life is very long, I could experience or not even know symptoms I have for weeks at a time. I'm afraid of having to feel like I did on Latuda for days. I can't handle that.

I can't go on just being afraid of medicine though. I know that is not a solution, not the way I suffer. I think I am going to try it before bed. What makes this one nice is I don't have to take it with food, so when I'm ready to actually sleep, just pop it and snooze. I think that is the best solution. I don't know though.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Miguel'smom @BethRags I know it's not ideal but is hospitalization an option for you? I know it sucks but I had to go in and they dx'd me changed my meds and I was out in 3 days. Now I tend to use vivid language and was on the edge of phschosis but if you can find a decent hospital. It may be worth it.

I would go IP in a New York minute if I could. The problem is that there's no one to take care of my cats. I have one who is diabetic and needs insulin shots twice daily. My husband is useless when it comes to medical stuff. I have no money to hire a sitter. So IP just isn't an option. But thank you, Mm

I'm doing well today. My anxiety is low. I'm not sure what yesterday was all about. Maybe Monday and phone shopping and being around crowds for 3 hours just really got to me. I fell asleep last night around 7 and then I woke up at 9:30PM I had a glass bottle of soda at 4PM and I didn't realize it had caffeine. But I got back to sleep around midnight and I slept until 6:30AM. Today both my moods and anxiety are under control. I went to Platos Closet to look for jeans but the size I am usually in was too small but the next size was too big. So I didn't find anything. I hate used clothes shopping. My therapy goal was to go out twice this week and I already went out on Monday and I'm going out on Friday so she kinda knew the goal made no sense. But I am already packed for my trip I just took out the meds I'll need for today and then I threw the bottles in my backpack and I got my clothes in there. It takes me like 5 minutes to pack for a mini trip. I'm not sure what time we're leaving in the morning. But probably early

Early this morning, Hubby took me to get a blood draw for a carbamazepine level. I said some things that really pissed him off. I'll admit my wrong. I apologized later on.

We went to get racks and a storage compartment for the top of our Subaru. They're nice, but weren't cheap. Yet were a lot cheaper than if we'd bought them through the Subaru dealership we bought the car from. This excited my husband, which was nice.

I have noticed my left foot not hurting as much. I hope that continues.

Been busy today getting ready for Thanksgiving. Moving right along.

To those that celebrate - I hope you have a happy Thanksgiving tomorrow!
To those that don’t - I wish you a wonderful day tomorrow!

I am nervous about this trip to be honest. I hope my mom keeps her promise about our shopping on Friday and it isnt just spending all day at the pool with my nephews. Is it mean that I don't really like my nephews?

I guess I'm also pretty concerned about restarting the testosterone on Saturday and what side effects I'll get from that and what my blood levels look like now. But after therapy yesterday I have some idea of where I'd like to apply to that I think would be a friendly work environment. So my mind is eased a bit about that. Which is huge.

Possible trigger:

I considered suicide today. I found myself walking in traffic because i took the wrong bus. I almost never walk in traffic. I was walking against the traffic. It was morning rush-hour. I was walking up a hill. The vehicles were coming very fast down the hill, Mack trucks, school buses, garbage trucks. I thought how easy it would be to take a few step to the side and it would all be over. I wouldn't have to go on.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 Possible trigger: I considered suicide today. I found myself walking in traffic because i took the wrong bus. I almost never walk in traffic. I was walking against the traffic. It was morning rush-hour. I was walking up a hill. The vehicles were coming very fast down the hill, Mack trucks, school buses, garbage trucks. I thought how easy it would be to take a few step to the side and it would all be over. I wouldn't have to go on.

Hi Jane, which meds are you taking? I'm not saying that meds can eradicate SI, though. It seems that once we have the thought of SI it never entirely goes away. I'm so sorry you had a battle with SI today.

Happy Thanksgiving to all here celebrating it today!

My husband and I had a very nice lunch. I plan an easy, but special dinner, as well, but it's just him and me. That's OK. I don't really feel sad. I will call my dad soon to wish him a nice holiday. He'll be spending it without my siblings at the assisted living facility this year. No comment on that beyond saying no comment.

There is apparently a 100% chance of snow where we live. It'll be the first of the season. We saw snow several weeks ago, but in the mountains in the north of the country. We did some work outside in the morning to finally put stuff away for the season.