Bipolar check-in #61

I feel like h$ll on wheels this morning. I think I would be able to overcome but the final straw is that my calves ache from those charley horses the other night. It hurts to walk and I can’t find the aspirin. I’ve cancelled my therapy appointment and my doctor’s appointment to go over my test results. I have no patience or forgiveness for my body when it’s ill. I need to work on that. Really on cutting some slack on myself all the way around.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day.

Weight gain definitely sucks, and it happens to almost all of us. Having to take certain bipolar medications (1), dealing with depression or other mood fluctuations (2), stress in life (3), and/or aging contributes and makes it a challenge to reverse. However, you can. Working on 1, 2, 3, and/or 4 assists, greatly. My advice is to sit down with a pen and paper (or on the computer) and write a short (short) list of things in each relevant category that could help. Then, take action! Do something. You'll thank yourself. Yea, it may be hard. Yea, you may stumble in the midst of efforts, but make efforts.

There's a simple thing I've learned to do when I'm a victim of inaction. I acknowledge the inaction, acknowledge what I need to do, then count to 10 and immediately at ten, jump to it, as if the morning alarm started screaming loudly and the only way to shut it off would be to get up and go.

"Stand up to yourself" and say "I can chip away at this!" Patient persistence.

It took me a long time to fall asleep last night. I felt sick like I had covid or something. Finally at 9 I fell asleep. But I had basically been up since 11:30 Saturday night. So almost 24 hours. I think that extra 20 mil geodon does legit help with my sleep. I woke up at 6:30 feeling super hot and headachy and nauseated and anxious. I took a long hot shower. I took an Advil and a valium. So far no relief. I don't know if its lack of Geodon or sleep or if I'm getting sick or just some other stuff. I don't know what other stuff that would be though.

My doctor screwed up on my Geodon 80 and gave me one a day when I take 2 a day. So now I'm going to run out on january 14th when I should have enough to get me to Feburary. I'm not concerned since I know my doctor wont let me go without it. It may be a severeal day long headache getting it fixed but he wont let me go without it especially since it was his mistake.

But today I dont feel like having my normal 3/4 cans of zero sugar sodas or my pitcher of decaf or matcha iced tea. Even the caffeine free zero sugar sodas I don't want right now. I just had one maple Coke and a serving of Tyson nuggets for breakfast. I do have my meals planned out.

I just feel off today.

My husband and I got home a few hours ago. He's napping now. The visit to his sister's house had some nice hours and annoying ones, though part of the annoying ones were more Hubby's and his nephews' faults than my s-i-l's (or I think mine). In any case, I'm sure she was happy for all of us to go home. The nephews live in Prague, Hubby and I further south.

Yesterday my s-i-l asked me to go for "a bit of a hike" with her. She didn't even ask my husband because he always complains the hike is too ambitious. And she complains he's too out of shape and lazy. Good grief! Even I'm not nearly as active as she is and I'm 16 years younger than her. But I agreed, knowing I sort of owed it to her as a thanks for the work she did hosting. She said the hike would be 6 kilometers (almost 4 miles) through the woods. In my head I was like "OMG!" but I smiled and agreed (kinda) enthusiastically. Well, it turned out to be an 8 kilometer (5 mile) hike up and down steep hills through the woods, including crossing a shallow stream, climbing down a small ravine, navigating through icy patches, etc. Two hours in freezing weather through the snowy woods, often not even on a path! I thought I was near death, but didn't let on as much. We did pass other hikers (all with dogs). She's deathly afraid of animals, so I put myself between her and them. And yet, she said she's "not afraid of wild boars", whose signs were everywhere. Um, I think I am a little. She was talking out her butt on that one! Anyway, after we got back, right before dark, she raved to Hubby that I was faster than her. Truth is, at the end I simply wanted to get home. Badly! Plus, I had to pee soon after leaving, holding it for the whole 2 hours. Not fond of doing that in the woods! After showering (I was drenched with sweat), we ate dinner and I literally went to bed at 7:30 pm.

Wow soupe, what a walk! I’d never make it half a mile. Kudos to you. I’d certainly be wary of wild boar!

What's up guys? I'm doing simultaneously better and worse, which probably means January's annual manic episode will be mixed if I'm not there already..
But it's all fine. I'm starting prazosin (for the nightmares) tonight and naltrexone (for general "obsessive-compulsive behaviors") tomorrow. I was supposed to start last week but couldn't pick up my meds. This whole pharmacy only open 9-5 (but closed for an hour for lunch) Mon thru Fri thing sucks. I hope my T doesn't try to throw an IEA on me again today.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour My husband and I got home a few hours ago. He's napping now. The visit to his sister's house had some nice hours and annoying ones, though part of the annoying ones were more Hubby's and his nephews' faults than my s-i-l's (or I think mine). In any case, I'm sure she was happy for all of us to go home. The nephews live in Prague, Hubby and I further south. Yesterday my s-i-l asked me to go for "a bit of a hike" with her. She didn't even ask my husband because he always complains the hike is too ambitious. And she complains he's too out of shape and lazy. Good grief! Even I'm not nearly as active as she is and I'm 16 years younger than her. But I agreed, knowing I sort of owed it to her as a thanks for the work she did hosting. She said the hike would be 6 kilometers (almost 4 miles) through the woods. In my head I was like "OMG!" but I smiled and agreed (kinda) enthusiastically. Well, it turned out to be an 8 kilometer (5 mile) hike up and down steep hills through the woods, including crossing a shallow stream, climbing down a small ravine, navigating through icy patches, etc. Two hours in freezing weather through the snowy woods, often not even on a path! I thought I was near death, but didn't let on as much. We did pass other hikers (all with dogs). She's deathly afraid of animals, so I put myself between her and them. And yet, she said she's "not afraid of wild boars", whose signs were everywhere. Um, I think I am a little. She was talking out her butt on that one! Anyway, after we got back, right before dark, she raved to Hubby that I was faster than her. Truth is, at the end I simply wanted to get home. Badly! Plus, I had to pee soon after leaving, holding it for the whole 2 hours. Not fond of doing that in the woods! After showering (I was drenched with sweat), we ate dinner and I literally went to bed at 7:30 pm.

Kudos to you! That's quite an...interesting...hike.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien ... I'm hanging out with opiate addicts again but I think I'll stop that because I know relapsing will only make things worse. ...

Yes. Stopping that would be a smart move. You know that.

I awoke with the damn anxiety/depression feelings. It seems to me that my pdoc could do more. I feel like I may have to resort to lying to her to get better treatment. For example, in past years I have told a pdoc that I'm having "strong sui thoughts" - that usually guarantees more effective medication treatment.


It's all very frustrating.

I'm seeing my therapist today and will be telling her I want to go to once/week, rather than 2 time/week. I'm not on the same page with her...she's heavily into CBT and it just doesn't do much for me; I feel like I'm fooling myself.

Wish me luck.

I called the pharmacy about the geodon. All I did was try refilling it. They said they had to contact my doctor and I'll leave it at that tonight. Then I called the actual office about the 80 mil situation and I left a message.

I don't feel as terrible as I did even 1.5 hours ago but I did take my last valium half an hour ago. Its early but I've had all my meds already minus my melatonin. I think I just havent been sleeping good these last 2 nights and my med management has been a bit wonky. I've been taking the correct doses for the most part but the times have been off.

I did not get any shopping done today like I wanted to. Grocery or retail. My nephews are still here. I figured I wouldnt get anything done today. I think my sister and brother in law are on on their way but that doesnt mean anything. By the time they are all out the door it could be another couple hours from now.

I'm just tired I guess from these last 2 nights of poor sleep and I am guessing my low moods are from the lack of geodon and also just general holiday burn out although it is not severe whatever it is that I am feeling.

So h overruled and I got my injection and got my meds. I redid my treatment plan found out I have a therapist that I've ever met. Apparently I did a no call no show at some point. I'm told I can make an appointment with them.

That was some walk! The whole have to pee for 2 hours of all of that would've done me in. !

I feel better except for my calves that are really bothering me so I’ve been on the couch relaxing today. I’ve been worried about getting the house straightened for my daughter’s visit tomorrow. A good friend reminded me that she’s coming to visit me and not the house. I will rest for the remainder of the day and hit it hard tomorrow. Hopefully.

It didn’t bother me a bit to cancel my therapy appointment. I’ve started dreading them. She nags and denigrates me, is not supportive and only wants to talk about my family. I have deep issues that will be with me until they are resolved and I’d rather focus on that. I’m just not sure how to let her go. The first 4 months were filled with phenomenal growth and then it just petered out and she changed…or I did. Maybe I’ve outgrown her. I’m still going strong with my first therapist.

I hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I feel better except for my calves that are really bothering me so I’ve been on the couch relaxing today. I’ve been worried about getting the house straightened for my daughter’s visit tomorrow. A good friend reminded me that she’s coming to visit me and not the house. I will rest for the remainder of the day and hit it hard tomorrow. Hopefully. It didn’t bother me a bit to cancel my therapy appointment. I’ve started dreading them. She nags and denigrates me, is not supportive and only wants to talk about my family. I have deep issues that will be with me until they are resolved and I’d rather focus on that. I’m just not sure how to let her go. The first 4 months were filled with phenomenal growth and then it just petered out and she changed…or I did. Maybe I’ve outgrown her. I’m still going strong with my first therapist. I hope everyone has a peaceful evening.

A therapist who nags and denigrates you? Pfffft...no wonder you dread the session.

So I drove over to my therapist's office and when I checked in at the covid station one of the medical receptionists called to me that my therapist is not here today. That's the second Monday in a row. So I walked over to Behavioral Health to find out what was going on. My T's receptionist said "It's just the holiday season...things will be normal after the new year." Nah. My therapist consistently takes days off (especially Mondays) on very short notice (a few hours before the scheduled appt.). I'm tired of the whole therapy thing. Maybe I'm too old for it. I had six excellent years of therapy when I was in my 20's - 30's. I'll be 59 tomorrow. Meds I definitely need. But therapy - my patience has worn thin.

Thanks for letting me vent.

I'm sorry Beth.

I’ve never had a T who constantly called in. My last T was there always for over 10 years. In that time she also went to graduate school to get her Ph.d yet she never called in. I’d not have the patience to deal with a willowisp either. I’d either quit altogether or move on.

My therapy session this week is virtual. I'm not sure why but I am ok with virtual sessions every now and then because I am still just super happy to be regularly back in person.

But I'm hoping we can come up with a legit sleep, med, and food schedule.

I placed a walmart pickup order for the morning. I need to get to the other store though too. Theres 2 new, well kinda new flavors of Mountain Dew starting to roll out now. We have a few confirmed cases of omacron right where I live. I'm on guard but I'm not going to stop living my life. I am still checking out work places as well.

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Originally Posted by Nammu I’ve never had a T who constantly called in. My last T was there always for over 10 years. In that time she also went to graduate school to get her Ph.d yet she never called in. I’d not have the patience to deal with a willowisp either. I’d either quit altogether or move on.

I was with the same psychologist for 6 years way back when; he never once called in. Not a single time. He had an annual 3 week vacation in August. That was it. My current therapist is out so much that it destroys the consistency of therapy. It's become absurd.

Beth, I’m sorry your therapist is so inconsiderate. If it were me I’d be screwing up the courage to quit this therapist altogether. I did that with my old pdoc when she consistently ran at least an hour behind in appointments. Once I had an appt scheduled for 9am and she didn’t even come in until 9:30! No call to say she’d be late and the receptionist didn’t even say she wasn’t there yet when I checked in. That was it for me!

Really only you can decide if you’ve reached the end of your therapy journey. I think plenty of people do get to a point where it’s just not useful anymore, and why keep paying for something that’s not even helping? If I couldn’t stay with my current therapist for some reason or another I’d be done with therapy. I don’t have the patience to tell my whole sorry tale to another person!

Never showered or got out of my pyjamas today. Not a good thing for me.
|Returning to work tomorrow after having the 24th and the 27th off
Not looking forward to it.
Cannot go to bed yet. I do not want to wake up to tomorrow

I feel…off, today. Very odd. I don’t know whether it’s because I’ve literally been reading for close to ten hours or what but I just don’t feel part of this world right now. Could definitely be the books, I mean you are sort of transported when you read, right?

But I don’t feel like I’m in the stories. It’s the weirdest thing but I feel like I’m my mom. Not even in a self loathing “this is what my mom would do get your butt up and be useful” sort of way. Like I’m ready to look in the mirror and see my mom’s face staring back at me. I do look just like her so it’s actually kind of true. But I don’t know why I feel like I’m living her life, not mine today. My life isn’t nearly as sad as hers (currently). But I feel completely dissociated. I don’t feel like I’m real, like RS is real, like I’m in my own house. Nothing feels as it should. It’s disturbing.

My mind is getting worse by the day, it seems. Since the breakdown in may I have become increasingly forgetful and less aware of time. It has hit a new low, gotten to the point where I can’t remember if I’ve even said something out loud or just meant to say it and never did. I can’t remember ANY appointments unless I immediately put them in my phone AND set an alert long enough ahead to allow me time to get to the appointment should I forget I even had it. I can’t remember to pay bills because I don’t know what date it is.

Part of it might be Covid, I’ve heard brain fog is a lasting effect. But it’s been going on way longer than just before I had Covid. Covid may have worsened it but it’s definitely not the cause.

It’s quite worrisome. Dementia does run in my family through my mother’s side, but I’m only 34. My mom though, she’s been saying for a couple of years now that she’s having the same type of brain fog and I’ve been worrying that maybe she’s starting to show signs even though even she is only 62. I have to wonder if mental illness and trauma plays a part. Funny that it should happen as soon as my brain finally lets me feel the full weight of what has happened in the past, and my mother’s life is just as traumatic as mine and she hasn’t received any treatment at all.

Well....I read my 80 pages of required reading and took a quiz (90%!) and initiated a discussion post. im ahead on homework on the first day of class!

How long is this class? My mom and sister are professors and teach 1-2 week classes sometimes. I can't imagine how hard it would be do all that work; it's certainly hard to grade it. The 4 week classes I had in the summer in grad school were intense enough.

Congratulations on a good start!

So good to see all of you here! I am having a real tough time of it. I just do not know what to do. But I am glad I am back again!