Bipolar check-in #61

I went and got tested for both covid and the flu today. Last night in addition to the symptoms I've been having since Tuesday, I started getting these muscle aches and this morning I have some slight congestion and a sore thorat. But man this fatigue. I slept from 7:30-6:30 this morning and I am so exhausted. I woke up for about half an hour around 11 but I was back asleep quickly. But this tiredness I've only felt when I've started a new med or been given something in the hospital or after a surgery. I've had my normal 2 sodas and iced tea lemonade and I am just so tired and doing simple tasks like making my bed wears me out. I have not showered in 2 days because I have not had the energy.

But getting tested was a breeze. It took less then 40 minutes. Based on how long the line was we thought we'd be there for awhile. But they have a really nice system set up and it went by super fast compared to how other states are going.

To be honest I'm kind of worried its not covid or the flu and something more serious. Because if it is covid its just super mild. But if its not thats when I have to get blood work done and tests done for other things that are more concerning.

So I'll wait for these results first then if they are ok I'll see if my primary can get me in 2 weeks early and if he can't then I'll go to immediate care.

Maybe using calm fabric sheets causes me to become a little bit too exhausted. Is that even possible?

I’ll know by 5pm if the district is going full remote. They assure us parents that if they do it will be for “a short time”. Let’s hope that’s true, because I’m almost positive they’re gonna shut down.

Totally random note: I think my dr was right and I’m becoming lactose intolerant. I need my cereal I’m gonna test a couple of dairy free milks. Almond milk is disgusting so that’s out. I’m going to test oat and soy.

Wildflower, I use light vanilla soy, it’s great. Reg soy is a bit too bland and vanilla soy a bit too sweet, but the light vanilla soy is this baby bears perfect milk!

We had a lovely lunch with all the grandkids in attendance. A rare occasion indeed. The lasagna and razzle dazzle pie was delicious and the laughter and camaraderie was infectious. A good time was had by all. After everybody left, I told my daughter to take off instead of stay and visit. She goes back to work tomorrow and looked like she needed a nap.

I love it when last minute plans come together and go spectacularly well.

Oh that does sound lovely Jennifer! I’m glad it worked out.

I took a tylenol and drank a 3rd mountain dew and that gave me the energy to make my bed and spray febreeze on my pillows and blankets and air freshner in the room and quickly jump in the shower. I honestly didnt smell very good and I knew I had the energy at that moment so I should take advantage. Now I am back in bed. I still have some muscle aches and I'm not hungry for dinner so I'm not sure what I'll do. Maybe just more tuna or some nut butter. I've been focusing on just getting enough protein but I've also been watching my sodium and carbs. Soup is often off limits to me unless I dump the broth out. My mom is watching The Golden Girls right now. Yeah I'm starting to feel things again. Glad I got that shower in when I was able to.

The nightime gallbladder type pain is back. Now I'm not sure if its covid. I'm the weird oral sensory type tired again but its early. I do wonder if my calm dryer sheets are making me tired. I got them early last week and I've done laundry twice with them plus my blanket yesterday. I dry everything with them. Not just my sheets. I mean somethings been lowering my anxiety yet causing fatigue but dryer sheets? Even if they are "calm" ones? That seems like some straight up silly placebo ****.

I'm having a really rough go about it and I have no one to talk to so I'm just going to dump this here:

I feel so freaking broken. Like permanently. Glass shattered into a million tiny pieces. So why should I go on? Why bother? My life is agitation and inner chaos and I don't know how to stop that without stopping my heart from beating. There's this orb I see that no one else can see. I try to show them it but they just keep walking by thinking "oh there's that crazy girl with her stupid orb." They don't take a second to consider the orb. I'm really not okay and I don't think I ever will be. I've tried most all the meds. The therapy here sucks. They don't see the orb either. How can they help me handle the orb if they've never even seen it? Like me with love. I've seen it and I still can't even feel it anymore. It's just meaningless sex. F**k f**k F**k. I'm sick of it. I have someone to hold me but I can't feel their love they proclaim to have towards me. Because I'm glass shattered into a million tiny pieces. Every day I think about ending it, but I don't want to hurt others like others have hurt me.

Winter weather is back ! No more sunny days in the 70’s. There was another Tornado just over the line a EF 2. My heart just breaks for anyone effected by these vicious storms.

Might be some snow falling tonight. Nothing will stick the ground is too warm.

Taking Steve to the Doctor tomorrow. He’s not any better but no worse. My lungs are just junky. I need to start prednisone but I hate that stuff. But a girls gotta breathe.

Hope everyone has a nice Sunday evening

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Christina, purple purple, purple waves of healing vibes coming at you and Steve.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 ... I’m letting my therapist go tomorrow. The one that nags and denigrates me. I’m already looking for someone to take her place. I have some exciting possibilities lined up. May everyone have a peaceful day.

Wise decision! I hope you find a really good therapist.

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Originally Posted by Sapien I'm having a really rough go about it and I have no one to talk to so I'm just going to dump this here: I feel so freaking broken. Like permanently. Glass shattered into a million tiny pieces. So why should I go on? Why bother? My life is agitation and inner chaos and I don't know how to stop that without stopping my heart from beating. There's this orb I see that no one else can see. I try to show them it but they just keep walking by thinking "oh there's that crazy girl with her stupid orb." They don't take a second to consider the orb. I'm really not okay and I don't think I ever will be. I've tried most all the meds. The therapy here sucks. They don't see the orb either. How can they help me handle the orb if they've never even seen it? Like me with love. I've seen it and I still can't even feel it anymore. It's just meaningless sex. F**k f**k F**k. I'm sick of it. I have someone to hold me but I can't feel their love they proclaim to have towards me. Because I'm glass shattered into a million tiny pieces. Every day I think about ending it, but I don't want to hurt others like others have hurt me.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts here. I think it's very important. What does the orb do?

I'm sorry that covid is exploding so much in your area, too. I hope any shutdown is indeed brief.

My husband is lactose intolerant and he enjoys several lactose free real cow milk products. If you want to try "not real milks" that's great, but you can drink real...just lactose free. In addition to the brand Lactaid, most stores also sell a lactose free store brand and often an organic brand. They mostly all have a fat free, a low fat, and a whole milk option. In Shoprite, Organic Valley brand sold lactose free Half and Half. They also sold Lactaid sour cream, some lactose free ice creams, a couple cheeses (some are even almost naturally lactose free), and yogurts, though my husband has no problem with regular yogurts. These products are a little more expensive than ones with lactose, but we find the extra expenses worth it. Almond, cashew, oat, soy, and similar non milk options taste horrible in comparison, for many. But maybe you'll like one. I see them only necessary for vegans, ultra low-carb dieters, and people with bona fide dairy allergies. Not lactose intolerance. In Czech Republic, I even find lactose free heavy and light creams. I think CZ has them (and the US not) only because Czechs use more cream in baking and cooking than Americans do. Supply for demand.

There are also lactose enzyme pills to take when you want to eat foods containing lactose. They are available at both grocery stores and pharmacies for purchase. Hubby takes one extra strength pill "as needed" when eating a small amount of lactose, or two if eating a lot. They work.

With holidays in the recent past, I guess a lot of us feel back to the drawing board, so to speak. I see my therapist in a little while. I like him, but I feel I've been saying the same things over and over. His suggestions are good ones, but he likely feels I'm resistant to taking them. I sort of am. Truth is, I need to get past my waiting pattern and do something more to transition into my new home country. I've blamed my husband a bit for holding us back, but I am an adult. I can start doing things on my own, as scary and frustrating as some things can be. A baby step is better than no step.

Flight was cancelled a third time. I don’t have half my medicine on me. I’m disillusioned and frustrated. I don’t trust doing a transfer for refills here. It’s just two more days… until they cancel again. I’ll have already been here 5 days past initial leave date if they don’t cancel again.

I don’t have any words of wisdom. All I can say is I feel you, boy do I feel you, I have been there myself quite a few times, but somehow I am still here. And I’ve had plenty of good years between bouts of bad. More good than bad I’d say by now.

Like you, the only thing that kept (and keeps) me alive in dark times is the thought of all the people I would hurt, and honestly sometimes I only have one person to cling to who I know is completely innocent and would at least mentally die with me.

Please, just keep swimming.

So my son’s school closed for the week. But a program I’ve sent him to before was ready and immediately opened for e-learning, so I can go to work!

And then my school closed today for inclement weather

At 5:30am when they closed there was supposed to be 3-5 inches of snow in that area but that has since been reduced to 1-3, shockingly. NJ always overestimates snowfall. Never fails. Although sometimes even when it’s overestimated it’s quite significant. Last year we still got 8 inches even though the initial report said 12-18.

I have decided to just include my sleep med with my night meds automatically for awhile, at least while I’m adjusting to being back at work. It’s worse if I wait until 10:30 because then I’m super groggy early in the morning.

I tied extra creamy oat milk on cereal last night and it was fantastic. I mean I’m comparison to actual milk it really wasn’t much different. I have some plain soy as well to try. Today I will get lactose pills as per your suggestion Soupe because I am making potato soup which needs a lot of whole milk to make it creamy and I don’t think my boys would appreciate oat milk potato soup

Oy, last night was my fill up the med container for the week! I’m out of a number of things. My AP is waiting for me. My sleep meds have to be called in. The pharmacy does that but lately they’re not filling them unless I call in too. Plus I ran out of my OTC stomach meds. Without that I vomit up everything I eat. So very important I don’t forget that one.

I have to call again about getting a pdoc appointment. Last week was a circus. I called. Then they called while I was out. So I called back and was told to call the next day. I called the next day and was told everyone was on a holiday, call Monday! This morning I imagine everybody is calling so I’m waiting til after lunch. Oy!

The orb doesn't really do anything, it just holds all the intangible/metaphysical pieces of me which is stupid because it's pretty much empty.

Looks like I get another week of vacation. Have felt blah since Saturday evening. Took one of the at home covid tests this morning before I was going to leave for work. Tested positive. Looks like it'll be Netflix binges this week and maybe doing some work from home. Super bummed because I was supposed to see my boyfriend tonight after not seeing him for about 2-3 weeks, but now that's on hold. I just hope my son doesn't catch it from me. He stands a chance though because he stays in his room. Probably that darn Omicron lol. Covid numbers are the highest they've ever been in my state.

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Well I have a pdoc appointment,…23rd of March! I knew it would be a long time but not that long! Boy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Sapien The orb doesn't really do anything, it just holds all the intangible/metaphysical pieces of me which is stupid because it's pretty much empty.

I dunno...it sounds like the orb has a lot of potential.

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Originally Posted by scatterbrained04 Looks like I get another week of vacation. Have felt blah since Saturday evening. Took one of the at home covid tests this morning before I was going to leave for work. Tested positive. Looks like it'll be Netflix binges this week and maybe doing some work from home. Super bummed because I was supposed to see my boyfriend tonight after not seeing him for about 2-3 weeks, but now that's on hold. I just hope my son doesn't catch it from me. He stands a chance though because he stays in his room. Probably that darn Omicron lol. Covid numbers are the highest they've ever been in my state. Sent from my SM-G991U using Tapatalk

Oh, that really sucks. Hang in there

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Originally Posted by Nammu Well I have a pdoc appointment,…23rd of March! I knew it would be a long time but not that long! Boy.

Good Lord, that's outrageous.

Starting off the new year with the usual load of bureaucracy that drops onto me at the start of the year. I'm currently on hold - for 1 hour and 40 minutes so far - with HSSA because they've stopped my medicaid. The only reason I can think of is that when I moved, even though I'm in the same complex, my apartment number changed. I thought the post office would forward mail from HSSA, but HSSA probably freaks out when a client changes even an apt. number. I'm hoping it's something that simple. The problem is that my phone runs out of battery power after about 2 hours on hold. Ugh. I'm trying not to come unglued, because I can't pay for meds. The money is just not there.

The GOOD news is that so far, the gabapentin IS working to substantially decrease my anxiety! What a blessing!

Our weather is gloomy. Northern California gets very damp in the winter, almost reminds me of Ireland or the UK. If we have the promised rain tonight it turns the icy-cold gloom into a kind of magic.

Love and hope for good health all around

I know three more months of calling in my ambian and fighting with my general family doctor who doesn’t want to continue prescribing my sleeping meds though I’ve been on them for more than ten yeas. I can’t just stop them but every month he does this. So 3 more months and I can finally talk to a real pdoc. No plans to change my meds except that I want to get off the ambian. No idea what the solution is but hopefully this guy does. Plus he’s a geriatric specialist so he will understand how the meds affect older bodies.