Bipolar check-in #61

@buddha1too
I feel you on the med issue. I take four now and I was on two for a couple of years, just needing an increase in lamictal every once in awhile. Unfortunately I hit the ceiling of lamictal for me and had an awful psychotic episode in April last year. Seroquel XR was added, and I have to take regular seroquel to sleep most nights, which disappoints me because I was able to sleep without it for about three months in summer/fall.

I just got off a trial of vraylar, unfortunately I cannot tolerate it. It was given me intense nausea and stomach pain. However I feel very stable right now, more stable than I have since mid October. I don’t know if it will continue after the vraylar fully leaves my system but a girl can hope!

Eventually I hope to reduce the meds again but based on how awful the breakdown was I am hesitant at the moment. Maybe in the summer when I do not work.

I had a decent day today. I’m SO glad the students are back in school! The day flew by. The days were interminable when the students were remote but we were in the building.

It was cold today and will continue to be so. I have taken to wearing a camisole, thermal shirt, sweater, AND hoodie to work at work. And of course my winter coat and accessories when outside as well. I just get cold so easily! I’m freezing right now in the house but I’m laying in bed with the comforter and my buddy Cheeto is on my tummy warming me up. He is doing ok. I can’t monitor his weight because the scale said he gained 2.5 pounds in one week and I’m fairly certain that’s impossible. For a cat, anyway. He definitely doesn’t feel like he gained that much weight. Still very bony. Today he is active and more bright eyed so that’s good, but every day is different.

I injured my back because I stupidly decided I was capable of lifting three cases of water into my grocery cart and then into the trunk after purchase by myself. I just hate asking for help so much! I’m so used to relying only on myself it’s difficult to admit I’m not able to do every single thing alone. Physically AND emotionally speaking. I’ve been stretching all day and now I’m lying flat in bed. Generally it takes me 2-3 days to recover when I do this to myself. Hopefully I’ll be able to do the next yoga video in the series I’m following soon. I really enjoyed to first one.

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 I got one of my two things done today and it was easy! It involved having to assert myself with my parking tenant. That's really hard for me but his rent was way overdue. I just spoke to him briefly and the payment showed up in my account immediately! I'm so pleased, it was really weighing on me. Yay! I was so excited i took a shower and now i'm all fresh and clean!

What's a parking tenant?

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I had a decent day today. I’m SO glad the students are back in school! The day flew by. The days were interminable when the students were remote but we were in the building. It was cold today and will continue to be so. I have taken to wearing a camisole, thermal shirt, sweater, AND hoodie to work at work. And of course my winter coat and accessories when outside as well. I just get cold so easily! I’m freezing right now in the house but I’m laying in bed with the comforter and my buddy Cheeto is on my tummy warming me up. He is doing ok. I can’t monitor his weight because the scale said he gained 2.5 pounds in one week and I’m fairly certain that’s impossible. For a cat, anyway. He definitely doesn’t feel like he gained that much weight. Still very bony. Today he is active and more bright eyed so that’s good, but every day is different. I injured my back because I stupidly decided I was capable of lifting three cases of water into my grocery cart and then into the trunk after purchase by myself. I just hate asking for help so much! I’m so used to relying only on myself it’s difficult to admit I’m not able to do every single thing alone. Physically AND emotionally speaking. I’ve been stretching all day and now I’m lying flat in bed. Generally it takes me 2-3 days to recover when I do this to myself. Hopefully I’ll be able to do the next yoga video in the series I’m following soon. I really enjoyed to first one.

It took me many, many years and way too many injuries to finally learn to ask for help when I really do need it.

Thanks so much for sharing about the Lyrica, Christina. My psychiatrist said to split my dose between morning and evening. I'll see if there is daytime sedation.

My psychiatrist said he hopes that the Lyrica could replace the need for prn Ativan. He does seem against benzos a little. Plus, they don't prescribe Ativan (lorazapam) in Czech Republic. I've been taking them prn from supplies I was prescribed in the US. Once they are gone, either I'll not have one prescribed, or he said he'd have to prescribe a different one.

@BethRags:

A parking tenant is someone who rents your parking space.

Therapy went well. It was remote since I was and still am not feeling good. But it was a productive session and she thanked me at the end for being focused today. We got a lot talked about. I told her my birthday was coming up and I asked her what month hers was and she mumbled what month and its a few months after mine and then quickly said "but anyways..." we are both relativly young and I'm not sure if she finds the age thing weird or just not important. At times I feel like she finds it weird. Like when she first told me she sounded uncomfortable. She kept calling my mom "mom" today which always kinda bugged me when a therapist who was older then me did it. I don't know what to think of this one doing it. But we don't seem to have an issue with the age thing.

But after, I tried eating and my stomach just blew up into a ton of pain. So I took tylenol about 10 minutes ago and I'm lying in bed. I'm starting to get scared to eat anything but Pop Tarts though since thats the only food my body seems to be able to handle and thats not going to end up well for my mental health if I don't eat anything but Pop Tarts out of fear of getting sick. I know people can survive on just potatos but I doubt they can survive just on Pop Tarts.

I felt like I was having a stroke last night. No joke. It started around 8 maybe. I had fallen asleep at about 6:30 or 7 and the song Ironic was playing on my phone. I smelled the most deliscious food. It smelled like my mom was making prime rib or steak or something. So I texted her and asked her what she was making. And she said "spaghetti." And in my head I was like "wtf." And I went back to bed. This morning I found out that when I had texted her she had just began to boil the noodles.

Then I woke up again at 1. Feeling super confused. I also couldnt move my right arm which I was not sleeping on. Finally I got it to flop in front of me where it lay limply until I could move it. Then just this wave of nausea and heartburn hit me and I needed pepcid. That went on until I got back to sleep at 4.

I have no clue whats happening to my body but with this omacron varaint its tough to get answers since a lot of people are out sick with it. I still have not gotten a call to schedule my CT scan.

So my pdocs nurse called back. And the november date is right. Not the october date that the bottle says. She says to talk to the pharamcy first to ask them whats up. Because if she trys to call in a new script the pharamcy is going to have to get my pdoc involved to see where all these missing pills went to. So I don't get why she wants my mom to talk to the pharamcy first. Something about picking up the script early I think. Like the pharamcy filled it too early. I'm not sure but I don't want my pdoc getting involved so if I have to somehow go to 2 a day for a few days then I'll have to really try. I can get it filled on Feb 11 I think instead of the 27th of this month.

Its something more then me just taking extras though. The dates did get screwed up somehow. The bottle does say October.

So far my stomach is still fine but I took tylenol at 11:30 and I have not eaten anything since 10AM. I had a gatorade though an hour ago.

Been a little more active today and feel the better for it. I attended my ZOOM support group and while nothing was relevant to me i still enjoyed the company. Then i got my dog outside as it's just below freezing which is mild for us and she played in the snow. I chatted with two neighbors outside so that gave me some much-needed IRL contact. And i did some overdue grooming for my dog. And it's only 3:00pm!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed Therapy went well. It was remote since I was and still am not feeling good. But it was a productive session and she thanked me at the end for being focused today. We got a lot talked about. I told her my birthday was coming up and I asked her what month hers was and she mumbled what month and its a few months after mine and then quickly said "but anyways..." we are both relativly young and I'm not sure if she finds the age thing weird or just not important. At times I feel like she finds it weird. Like when she first told me she sounded uncomfortable. She kept calling my mom "mom" today which always kinda bugged me when a therapist who was older then me did it. I don't know what to think of this one doing it. But we don't seem to have an issue with the age thing. But after, I tried eating and my stomach just blew up into a ton of pain. So I took tylenol about 10 minutes ago and I'm lying in bed. I'm starting to get scared to eat anything but Pop Tarts though since thats the only food my body seems to be able to handle and thats not going to end up well for my mental health if I don't eat anything but Pop Tarts out of fear of getting sick. I know people can survive on just potatos but I doubt they can survive just on Pop Tarts. I felt like I was having a stroke last night. No joke. It started around 8 maybe. I had fallen asleep at about 6:30 or 7 and the song Ironic was playing on my phone. I smelled the most deliscious food. It smelled like my mom was making prime rib or steak or something. So I texted her and asked her what she was making. And she said "spaghetti." And in my head I was like "wtf." And I went back to bed. This morning I found out that when I had texted her she had just began to boil the noodles. Then I woke up again at 1. Feeling super confused. I also couldnt move my right arm which I was not sleeping on. Finally I got it to flop in front of me where it lay limply until I could move it. Then just this wave of nausea and heartburn hit me and I needed pepcid. That went on until I got back to sleep at 4. I have no clue whats happening to my body but with this omacron varaint its tough to get answers since a lot of people are out sick with it. I still have not gotten a call to schedule my CT scan.

I think therapists say stuff like "mom" instead of "your mom" because they're showing they empathize with you.

Therapists try to relate to you on your level regardless of age kinda. Plus most just say mom or dad bc it’s the language you use. It’s part of person centered approach. Carl Rogers founded it if you wanna Google him and read about his theory but it mostly relates to group therapy

My mom went to the pharamcy and they did give us the wrong date. I got it filled November 11th not October 27th. My mom said she could call the nurse back and have her ask my pdoc to overide things. I said no way. I will not tell my pdoc about this. Because then I'd have to tell on myself. So starting feb 3rd I'll have to go from 3 a day down to 2 a day until the 11th. I don't know. I mean maybe if I cut them in half into 4's it won't be so bad. I knew 17 extra days seemed super fishy though.

I'm trying not to panic about this. He did call in my visteril which I don't really take anymore and while its not the best it may tide me over until I can get the valium in. Especially if I take them both at the same time.

I also have TMJ. My dentist went to school for it. He said he can make me a bite guard but it would be $500. I'm just learning to catch myself and stop myself from doing it. It used to be so bad my old dentist reccomended I ask my doctor for muscle relaxers because she was concerned I'd hurt my neck. Being incredibly cold all the time is not helping it though.

It's not been a bad afternoon but I've been battling with the weather all day it seems -- I can't seem to get warm ! I've stayed in bed most of the day to just be underneath the covers. I keep a blanket over me always but it just isn't cutting it today. I may break down and turn the heat up a bit, we will see. I am trying to drink more water so these cold bottles of water I'm chugging down are probably what is keeping me feeling chilled, to be 100% honest. At least I'm getting my water intake! Might have to break out a cup of hot chocolate instead


Since my medicine has been sorted out and it's been working, I only see the psychiatrist once a month now which is kind of nice since I don't constantly have to keep up with appointment dates. I do still see my therapist weekly. I really need a calendar to keep things organized but I use my own method (I write it in my phone). I miss being a teacher and having an academic calendar/planner. I enjoyed filling it out. I also loved a big desk calendar. (Call me crazy, I'm the only person on earth who enjoys filling stuff out, including forms lol). Therapy this Friday is going to be a bit different for me -- I am gonna be open and honest and I may get some push-back and attitude. I'm hoping for no, and I am trusting my therapist will understand me. I'll explain that scenario at a different date. It'll be better to just see how it unfolds first rather than anticipating 100 different ways it can go.

Ate some soup for lunch and will probably make some cheesy rice for dinner. It's a gloomy day out and tomorrow won't be much better. I am not a fan of Winter. I'm ready for Spring. Bring on nice temps and good walking weather!

Well, that's all I have to report for my boring day lol. Feeling OK as usual.

I was ok until about noon. I had trouble right in the morning because I got wrenched out of a dream by my alarm, which was actually a good thing because it was a sort of flashback dream about the children’s state hospital I spent time in as a teen.

At noon sounds started stabbing into my ears and head. The English teacher’s voice was hurting me so bad, I thought I was going to have to leave and sit somewhere else for awhile. I started having SH urges and feeling depressed and irritable.

I still feel this way now with the added fun of images, although not SI ones. Just things trying to attack me. I really would like to be in my room in complete silence because even RS’s “like” sound on FB is messing with me. I feel like I should be wrapped up in my weighted blanket. I’m so hypersensitive I don’t want to hear anything or have anyone touch me. I want a pair of those noise canceling ear muffs my student has. My son is upstairs doing his usual “singing” and just generally making noise and I can’t stand it.

I’m supposed to make dinner which will be very easy as it’s just turkey sloppy joes made with manwich. Maybe I’ll throw some tater tots in the air fryer. I better do that and then we can eat and I’ll be absolved of my responsibilities for the night.

I’m sorry wfc being hypersensitive is torture.

Thanks nammu. I’ve retreated to my room and put on waterfall sounds. The constant unchanging sound is helping me drown out the goings on in my house. Cheeto putting weight on my stomach/chest is also calming me. He’s such a good boy.

Speaking of Cheeto I have no idea what’s happening with him. The scale still says he is 13 pounds (actually 14 but he just ate a bowl of food so I’m subtracting a pound just in case). He’s eating well and drinking from the faucet of course they won’t use the fountain! I’m glad I got the cheapest one as an experiment. His coat is still a little shabby but I’ll start brushing him, he does tend to get shabby when I forget even if he’s well. He’s had about three good days in a row now behavior wise, he’s even been greeting us at the door again when We come home. Hopefully he will continue to improve instead of decline. I’d really like him to be around for longer.

It was a long and scary morning. In short, my precious diabetic kitty, Sidney, was not herself this morning and was vomiting. I immediately tested her blood glucose level (it's a process of sticking her ear tip with a needle and measuring the blood in a meter). Thank the Universe, her glucose was not too low. That would be an emergency. So it's been a day of carefully caring for her. She has been doing well this afternoon and I hope and pray she's past whatever upset her stomach. My anxiety level was, of course, quite high. My stomach was touchy. Yet, I have to say that due to the Gabapentin and Zoloft I managed the anxiety pretty well. In the past a sick cat would have had me terrified and sick myself.

Now night is falling. The weather remains oddly warm. It's like early spring. Even the grasses have little flowers blooming in them. Hopefully, later in the winter we will return to more typically wintry weather...and rain.

My husband is coming over to take a shower. His plumbing problem has turned out to be complicated and, of course, expensive. While he's showering (he always takes forever in the bathroom and shower) I'll try to relax and watch some Netflix. SarahSweets recommended The Tudors, which I definitely want to watch. Stupidly, season 1, 2, and 4 are available on Amazon Prime, but no season 3! Weird.

I am so grateful for this forum, and for all of you. I hope the night is peaceful for all of us

I spent all day watching movies. I got up at 5:45 a.m. and got up and had cereal and coffee. Then I put on Disney plus and watched three Night at the Museum movies. Then I watched National Treasure and National Treasure 2. So basically I've been a slug on the couch all day.

But I've decided to try keto and intermittent fasting. It's now 10 p.m. and I'm only a little bit tired. My sleep is so messed up though- yesterday I didn't get up until 3 p.m. I'm sure sleep regulation has to be good for my metabolism.


I'm going to have to start drinking more water.

Ugh. I'm fasting now for the last hour and a half. Maybe I'll. Drink more water and that will help me not feel hungry. I just have to lose weight before August. I see my liver doctor then - as opposed to March-and I'm ashamed that I've gainedback nearly all the weight that I told him I'd lost the last time we talked.

Today is completly diffrent then yesterday mood and anxiety wise. I woke up at midnight in a panic because of my anxiety. I don't know why it got so bad like that. I knew valium was not an option so I had to take the visteil. So I took 2 of the visteril and then an 80 geodon so I can try to get back on track with the geodon.

I don't know if it was a diffrent generic of visteril, but I was so lethargic and fatigued when I woke up. I mean I was just on this stuff about a month ago. I needed 4 sodas and a bottle of Starbucks latte to get me going. This hunger side effect is annoying me too.

I got a lot of grocery shopping done today. But I'm just tired and hungry from the visteril. I don't remember being so tired on the visteril before and I don't know where all that sudden anxiety this morning came from either. Yesterday I was fine.

Edit: I took a couple hours nap. I dreamt I could not stop clenching my teeth and I was just biting down on them so hard. I woke up feeling ok anxiety and mental health wise. But still mediocre physically. I assume this is just a med hangover and the only thing that will help it is time. Usually by the next day I'm ok when this happens.

Poor sleep again last night but anxiety ridden but interesting dreams.

It’s looking beautiful outside but it’s very very cold. Last time I checked it was -6F with -22windchill. No choice but to go out today. Mum has a doctor check up and I scheduled my bloodwork for the same time since I have to drive her. I’d really like to cancel the whole thing, but we’re hardy Minnesota’ns so we’ll go. Brrr 🥶

I cannot bear this akathisia anymore! My NP appointment is tomorrow and I swear if whatever she does doesn't help I'm checking myself into the hospital and getting a whole new set of meds. I would rather deal with psychosis and mania and depression than akathisia, dystonia, and tremors. It's too bad I can't take lithium anymore, the one med that actually helped somewhat, but f***ed my kidneys up. I can't think of a single med combo I've been on that helped and was tolerable other than risperdal which worked for 2 years then just stopped working after giving me full on delirium (and yes, the term "delirium" is in my medical notes it was that bad).
I've already taken my max dose of valium for the day, hell, did that before 11AM. I even took a risk and took .5mg cogentin (I'm told to take in emergencies only because it gives me urinary retention so I'll probably be in the ER getting straight cath'd later anyways).
I'm not getting my next injection. No way. I can't deal with this.

Sapien, I 100% know the misery of akathisia, so send you big hugs and am hoping a solution will be found to ease yours soon. I did eventually find a good mix that didn't cause akathisia. You will, too. Hang in there!

yuck! akathesia is the worsssssst!!!!!!!! i take requip for mine and havent experienced it since starting it. risperdal caused mine from day one of taking it in ip.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Poor sleep again last night but anxiety ridden but interesting dreams. It’s looking beautiful outside but it’s very very cold. Last time I checked it was -6F with -22windchill. No choice but to go out today. Mum has a doctor check up and I scheduled my bloodwork for the same time since I have to drive her. I’d really like to cancel the whole thing, but we’re hardy Minnesota’ns so we’ll go. Brrr 🥶

Good Heavens! Nammu, that is COLD. Once I was in -4 degrees in the mountains and thought I'd end up in the ER. Do you have the ability to warm your car seats? Good luck - you really are hardy!