Bipolar check-in #62

Feeling the stress. Fake smiles to hide it. Worried about the state of our world a lot. Can’t stop reading updates

@Mountaindewed

It sounds like overall a good doctor visit; is that how you see it? And, if you don't mind saying, have you decided for sure on what you're going to do?

Early blood tests often mean no eating of any kind for 8 hours before; did they say that?

Thanks for the update.

I spent an hour on the crisis line trying to avoid what they help out with. I cried the entire time. It was touch and go for a while. This was the love of my life and I’ve never felt so loved, supported or cared for. The break up devastated me because I don’t have that elsewhere in my life.

Bottom line, I am more hopeful now and will spend time tomorrow changing my phone number and email address and moving on with my life. The red flags were huge and unavoidable. I would have had to sacrifice my integrity to continue on. Hard choices to make.

Thank you for the support and kind words. I’m going to be okay now.

@otroo

It's sad just to think about and you have a right to cry. I hope your suffering decreases.

My Friday check-in:

It wasn't the worst of times; it wasn't the best of times.

This was another day with lots of things to do (such as shopping) that weren't on the schedule. It's probably best to be flexible but I'm looking forward to several days of just busy routine.

The unpleasant thoughts are still there, and still bothering me. I'm letting them come. Sitting with them sometimes, and getting on with schedule stuff sometimes. Maybe they're slowly getting easier to live with, which is the point, but I long for the days when they don't even come to mind. Well, maybe I'll come out of this stronger. I don't think it's hurting me, but I am often sad and sometimes the anxiety flares up. "No pain, no gain" probably fits this especially well.

Good night to everyone.

Thanks to everyone for all your support. I’m still agonizing in my head about whether going IP is the right decision. I keep saying the same things over and over to RS, not to convince him, but to convince myself. I was waffling today because I felt ok, but it was only because RS was there to distract me. I still jumped up twice because I was so agitated and uncomfortable and announced I was leaving (just to gtfo) and RS said he was going to go with me, wherever I went. We went to Trader Joe’s which was more aggravating than it should have been, I figured in the middle of the day on a Friday it wouldn’t be that busy but I was wrong. I realized that if RS wasn’t with me I would be so mad I would have driven home unsafely and remained in a heightened state of anger and agitation.

He also took us out to dinner after I said I couldn’t go home on the way to pick up my son from school.

I know in my heart that this is the right decision. My pdoc and my therapist both agreed, and neither one of them recommends IP lightly. They also know me very well and know the lengths I might go to before someone has to force me in.

I called the access center to the hospital I wish to go to and they told me it does sound like I need IP (another country heard from) but they have no space right now and to call back Monday morning. I wasn’t going to go until Sunday afternoon anyway. So if they still have no beds available on Monday morning I’ll just go to the psych ER and they’ll find me somewhere to go.

My therapist said she was proud of me. I’ve been with her for nearly seven years and this is the first time ever I have decided to put myself first and be proactive.

It’s still hard but I know I can’t be safe either home or at work and unless I can start a php immediately (I can’t) this is the way it has to be.

We are going to have a fun weekend together and I’ll be able to sit my son down and tell him myself, and say goodbye to him so he sees that I am ok. It’s much better than dropping him off at school and just never coming back for him.I know he’ll be upset but he knows it’s not me, it’s my brain.

I’ll try not to come here and repeat myself over and over. I know you all have my best interests at heart as well.

Thanks everyone.

I'm glad you've been able to make this decision for yourself.


Please post, as much as you need to. We care about you.

@wildflowerchild25:

Sorry to hear things continue to be difficult. I hope you will discuss the option of disability benefits with your treatment team when you are IP. Otherwise, i don't see anything changing. A dysfunctional part of you that you're not in touch with may be enjoying the endless crises. It *is* very exciting, after all...

I became a Crisis Junkie after my life fell apart when i was 29. I wasn't particularly happy when someone pointed it out to me, but she was right. I feel it would be irresponsible of me not to share the incident with you as much as you might not want to hear it. Maybe i'm just talking about myself, you decide.

I wish you the best.

Hoping I’ll be ok. Had some troubling thoughts a few days ago. Saw shadows fly across the ceiling. Extremely stressed and that’s when this stuff happens usually

I thought things were going ok. I was reflecting on how the higher dose of Seroquel has helped me manage things better. But today I had a set back. I was feeling somewhat ok earlier, but as the day progressed, I became very irritable, impulsive, saying things to people that I wish I could take back, and feel the need to stay up all night into the morning hours. I had a break down and lost it on the phone with someone, which was embarrassing. I want to lock myself in a room alone tomorrow and so badly want to turn off my mind that just races. I don't really know what's going on. I don't really know why I'm typing this here... I just don't know what else to do or have anyone I am able to share this with.

Thank you I appreciate it.

I hope today is a better day for you, @otroo .
I’m so sorry you’re struggling, but as others have said, you have every reason to be so incredibly sad but hopefully with time you will be able to feel a little better

Thank you!!!
I just wanted to say I completely agree with this and think that it is worth posting again!

I hope you have managed or are managing to have a restful sleep!
I’m sorry yesterday was a bad day for you later on.
I hope you are feeling a bit better today, maybe reaching out and apologising to people you could have upset would be a good place to begin? We all have off days.
I’m glad you felt able to share on here though, I think it’s important not to bottle things up.

Well I went over to my friends last night! It was lovely but I got so incredibly tired, I was home by 10:30pm.
Still I had a nice time, I can chat to her about everything and I think she feels the same about me.

So I’m glad I didn’t avoid it. I’m going to a sports game today (just to watch) with my mum because my sister who usually goes can’t go and my mum won’t go herself so she asked if I would go.
I feel a bit anxious about going but I think it will be good for me.

I’m feeling really tired this morning because obviously I haven’t had my 83636363 hours of sleep
Hopefully I stay awake for today but I’ve got a lot to do as I’ve got to take the dog an extra long walk because I’m leaving him, go to the sports game, then Go shopping for my granny, then make them all dinner. Hopefully I manage!

I hope everyone is doing as well as possible. I’ve been watching the news about Ukraine all morning and it’s just awful, there’s no denying that civilians are being targeted too! It’s awful!

Hope you find a good place for your practicum. Am thinking on you!

I agree with that. I have tried for years to find somebody to love again, but have not found somebody to build a longtime relationship with (I mean who shares my values and who is agreeable enough to take his share of responsibility in the home). I am glad I never said yes to something that could not work in the long run. Yes, it can be hard to be alone sometimes, but better than to live in a relationship that turns out to not be a good fit.

To fall in love is a wonderful experience, as long as it lasts, but life goes well without that feeling too. When one lives alone, it is important to develop interests that make the singel life OK.

Peace to you as well! It is good to hear that the switc in the time to take Zoloft seems to help. Hope that continues!

In Russia, they get another information then we do here (We are free to chose where to look at information, they are not). It is strange that this woman live in California and have these opinions.

I am going to take a walk today too.

Thiking on you!

Yes, yes, yes. It is very busy, but still I am glad I came here.

You are in my thoughts!

I was crying in my sleep and woke up with tears running down at my cheek this morning. Yesterday was hard, but I still don't have the energy to rewrite the post I lost. I ask to be excused if I am not able to answer all the posts where the poster tells about feeling down.

I had a hypomanic experience some days ago, wrote to my GP. The GP was not at work that day and another answered my post (they are allowed to do so).

The problem was that he misunderstood my post and I have been in some sort of chaos since then, but after some hours at the breakfast table (European time) I feel a bit better, so now I will take a walk and then try to continue to use my time on making ready for the moving even if my feelings are on the edge.

I think I'll just go off it for 3 months. I'm not happy about it but it seems the safest and best option.

This isnt a fasting blood draw it has something to do with my circadian rhythm. Which is why it needs to be done at 8AM.

Thanks so much for this message, tentoedsloth! I feel the same way as you. I care about all here, including you.

Sending you hugs, @xRavenx! I'm always happy when I see you post.

I think you type such things here because you know many here DO understand. We're all in this challenging recovery process together. I certainly relate to the situations you described. I've been there, too. I hope you get some recuperative rest. As for regrets, and such, sometimes it's a mercy on oneself to just leave it behind and start a new day from scratch. Beating oneself up on behavior does no good. If you feel it best, you can explain or apologize for some things, but even for those sometimes we just need to focus in a forward-moving direction.