Bipolar check-in #62

I woke up before 2 again. I tried extra melatoinin and going without my music to see if that would help me sleep better but it didnt. At least today seems to be going faster and easier then yesterday. I took a pepcid around 3AM and then I just now took a valium and a zofran. So right now I feel ok with my anxiety. I have not watched the news today either. I am very tired but I am worried about drinking caffeine. I had a bottle of Pepsi already. I have not taken a shower yet but I will in a bit

I just found out today is the day I get my shot. That may have been why my anxiety was so weird yesterday. I don't know if this every 1.5 week thing is still working. I'll wait on the shot until I see my doctor. I kinda figured based on how I was feeling this morning before the valium that this was the day I'd get it.

I'll report back after my appointment.

Edit: I saw on facebook that Putin has 600 nuclear missles more then any other country in the world. and I lost it a bit after that and decided to get my shot now. I got that and took my second valium and some tylenol for a headache that was developing. Now I am just very physically tired. But I seem to be ok for a week or so and then 3 or so days in a row are not good so I do wonder if I need to get back to getting my shot weekly instead of every 1.5 weeks. I'll ask my doctor today.

Actually I just went back to like page 24 on this thread and it seems like I've been consistently struggling throughout this month. Hopefully I'll have some sort of an answer today. Right now I'm enjoying not being anxious but I'm not enjoying being so exhausted. But I don't think coffee or even coke is a good idea.

Hope you will have success with taking them in the morning instead.

So am I. It is almost not understandable ...

Sending good thoughts your way!

A heartbreak never feels good. Something was good. Other "tings" pointed at another direction ... Be glad, Jennifer, that it is over, even if it does not feel that way at the moment.

If I was in your shoes, I would have focused on my recovery. As others told me: "It is never wise to go from one relationship to another. It can so easily end up in using the other guy as some sort of substitute for the lost one". So they say, but of course the one who wears the shoe knows best.

Sending good thoughts your way!

I try to organize my meds in a dosage box (but not always).

I was so tired last night after our big attic cleaning project. I'm tired again tonight. Tomorrow a friend is coming to help us with more of the attic cleaning. As a "thank you", we'll also be letting her keep any money from the sale of any of the items. She volunteered to take them and have them donated or sold. We're not getting rid of anything we'd require money for. If there is some hidden gem, it's something we'd not know about. She is honest enough that I'm sure she'd let us know if there was. Again, it wouldn't be a big deal if she got good money. She'll be doing any work trying to sell something. She could use the extra money, anyway. She's a single mother with two young kids and one early adult son.

Normally I don't do such a thing, but I decided to go back to the teeny dose of 50 mg pregabalin from the 100 mg. At 100 mg, I confess my appetite did seem to skyrocket. At 50 mg, not. Now back to 50 mg I've noticed a huge decrease. In my head? Not sure. Anyway, my husband promised to back me up on the decision. He'll be going with me to the pdoc next time.

The Ukrainian PM stated that he is #1 target of Putin. To my knowledge he is still OK, but it's concerning. I'd sure hope that he and his family would be left unharmed and unimprisoned. Putin does that regularly, not to mention having people ordered dead by poisoning. Biden was right to call him out as "killer". Putin is a killer. Anyone that praises that devil is a devil, themselves.

I don't feel well today. I wrote a long post to tell about it, but lost it. I don't have the energy to rewrite it. I have anxiety, depression and worrying at the same time.

Ukraine is in my thougts as well.

As a social work student I must complete two
Semesters of practicum. I start in the fall-yay! I have to find my own placement-boo! My preferred place is full and not taking anymore students.

@Jennifer 1967:

I feel for you. It's such a relief to feel loved and supported. So very comforting. It's a very hard choice for me too. It's so hard to be alone but sacrificing my integrity to be with someone is not a good option either. I guess either way it's a struggle. I figure it's better to be alone than with someone unsuitable because then i might miss someone more suitable because i'm busy with a mediocre relationship. It's not much comfort when the loneliness comes calling. But at least i am me.

Thanks everyone for the support yesterday. I had hoped I'd feel well enough to respond to people individually today but I just don't. I fell depressed and so, so tired even though I slept much better than usual. I'm just so disappointed and frustrated. I'm taking the day to try to recover a bit.

I did get in to a new surgeon on the 22nd of March. So another month wasted. And it looks like I may have another mammogram that day. Ugh. So many mammograms. But there are worse things. This surgeon sounds good so I'm hopeful about that. I just also liked the last one.


Thank you all so much.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinny I slept well, as usual. Just away to go shopping. Im thinking about cancelling on my friend tonight. I feel bad but I just dont think I have the energy to stay up late unless she agrees to do something earlier. Maybe Ill ask her if we can hang out a little earlier. Im making tacos for my family tomorrow so Im going to pick up all the things I need. My granny is in a bit of a dip with her mood, she definitely has an undiagnosed mood disorder. Hopefully she will still come tomorrow too but I have a feeling she is going to cancel. Theres also a market on sunday that I want to try and get to, I think my mum said she might come with me. Its a "Slow Living" sustainable/local/vegetarian etc. It sounds really good, over 40 stalls. There is a yoga workshop which sounds really good but it's sold out. My Mum wont like it but Im already prepared for that. Anyway, I think Im feeling better each day, the hypersomnia hasnt been getting to me quite so much, Im trying to remind myself its a slow process, recovering, so I just need to be patient. Im trying to do everything I can to help myself. I had some horrible dreams about Ukraine and Russia last night. I feel so sad for the people of Ukraine, it's just so awful. I can only imagine how horrible it must feel to be there. I hope everyone has had a good sleep

Good evening, Pinny I'm sorry about your terrible dreams. I guess the whole world, for the most part, is on edge right now.

How did the plan with your friend go?

Your poor granny, I feel bad for her. Perhaps the fall has shaken her up?

The market sounds terrific! We have them all around here; when I was raising a family I attended those markets regularly. Sad to say I seldom go anymore.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I am having a HARD time. I was fully warned by my therapist and others that this relationship could not have ended happily ever after and in fact would have descended into h$ll. I’m trying to keep busy and to move on and it’s nearly impossible. I am fighting myself not to return to him. I tell myself some pain now is a whole lot better than total devastation and possible danger later. The problem is that I really loved this guy and have never felt so loved, cared for or supported. It’s too bad there were so many other issues that could not be overcome. I have 3 dates lined up but no stomach for it. Maybe I should focus only on recovery right now. I don’t know. I am thankful that I have a forum with which to work it out in. I really have appreciated the support I have received. Still titrating off the lithium and then we’ll assess damage. My med provider relayed all this information to me. My doctor entirely missed the boat there. I hope everybody has a peaceful day

Hi Jennifer, I understand how terribly painful a break-up can be...even if we KNOW the person is not healthy for us. I don't know what the red flags in your former relationship were, but it's been my experience that red flags are to be respected and acted upon, no doubt about it. I still believe you've made the best choice.

I agree with you - maybe going on dates is something you could postpone for a while.

Rainbow, I don't know if you saw my post from yesterday...you and I posted at exactly the same time. I just want to be sure you know I was looking to know how you were doing. You definitely don't have to respond to me, but only know that I'm here for you.

Quote:

Originally Posted by BethRags Hi Rainbow Thank you for checking in. Your first paragraph made me smile. I would have "looked" too! Wouldn't have been able to resist. The beeping breast, though...that's wild! And then the very, very frustrating news. As if it's not enough to have to be on psych meds, then you get hit with such news. What a frustrating, discouraging let down. Of course, safety is top priority, but it still has to be hard to take such news, I think. I just hope that things move more quickly than you expect them to. I have my fingers crossed for you. And I agree about the mammograms. 5 in 2 months seems to be quite enough.

I took the Zoloft this morning rather than last night and did sleep well. I had taken a low dose Seroquel too, but even the Seroquel hasn't been helping my sleep as it did last night. So I suspect that it is indeed the Zoloft causing insomnia. I awoke feeling achy and crappy, but that's been the case all of my adult life. Takes me half a day to feel alive.

I have a dear friend, I met her over 20 years ago here in California, she's Bulgarian. An extremely intelligent, well educated woman and a gifted pianist. She posted an article on Facebook praising Putin and in essence, blaming the US for the situation with Ukraine. I had to translate the article from it's original Bulgarian, and I have to say that I was quite shocked by it. NOT that I believe the US is stainless; I absolutely do not. But it is her support of Putin that surprises (and saddens) me.

I am going to take myself outside today and make myself take a walk, get some sun. I am then going to change my shrieking-purple sheets to a quieter blue, dust, and watch a French film called "Farewell, My Queen" about Marie Antoinette. Her life was so sad, and history has been unnecessarily cruel to her. (btw, I love lavender, lilac, and violet - and aubergine is one of my favorites! But that blinding purple is just too much!)

I'm wishing everyone peace. We all need it

@wildflowerchild25

I almost didn't write this because you might think you're required by politeness to reply, but decided that maybe it helps to know that people care enough about what happens to you to stop and write a note. I do. When you're feeling better it's going to matter to me and a lot of other people. And don't reply unless you really want to.

Edited to add: Being a worrier, I've been thinking that it might sound insincere to say that I care about someone I've known for such a short time. But the truth is that I have the capacity to care, especially for people who are suffering. I may care more later, but that doesn't mean I don't care a some now.

@GoGo2

Me too--everything you said. I even also lost a post just a few days ago. I hit the wrong button and it was gone and I went back, etc., and couldn't find it anywhere. Why does it have to happen to the long ones?

Well, let's outlast this mood thing in the hope of better times.

I meant to add that a have a major concern (Soupe, haha) that Putin will soon assassinate the Ukrainian president, who seems to be a lovely man.

@whatever2013

I'm alone too, and just broke up with someone I had been seeing off and on, although it hadn't become close. My reason was that we just didn't connect that well, although he was a nice enough guy, and I didn't want to tell him how much trouble I'd had with emotions, although he knew some of it. I pictured him backing away and didn't want the pain, although I would have risked it if I had felt enough of a connection.

Does anyone else avoid relationships because you don't want to talk about bipolar and any other problems you have?

It's a lot of the reason I got onto this forum; wanting connection without the strain of pretending to feel good all the time.

Maybe I should look for a bipolar guy, but I'm pretty much resigned to being without a man. It's been that way for over 10 years.

Really struggling. Please lift me up in your thoughts. I'm doing all I can to make it. [not in crisis but it's rough.]

@BeyondtheRainbow

That really doesn't sound so bad, and you'll probably see it that way soon. Well, as soon as the darn moods allow.

When somebody is snowed under I don't think anybody expects individual replies. This thread is so busy everybody probably misses some anyway.

* * * * * REPLIES TO MESSAGES OF SUPPORT * * * * *

Everyone who agrees with this please hug or thank:

If someone posts that they're having a lot of trouble, and I post a message of support, I *don't want* them to further stress themselves about replying. I like attention as much as the next person, but, if you're able, just hitting the hug or thank you is plenty.

This thread is so busy that it's easy to miss things anyway.

Don't worry about it! It's the ongoing conversation that matters, not any particular day's post.

My doctor is super nice. The appointment was confusing but my mom was with me so she got what I didn't understand. I don't have blood cancer but the 2 blood levels just indicate that I have too much testosterone in my system and I am already on a very low dose. So he was all like well we could try a gel testosterone but its super hard to get because of insurance issues. He said we could try lowering the testosterone even more and I would then immediatly need to see a blood doctor to make sure nothing else is up. Then he said the best soloution would be to go off the testosterone completlely for 3 months, then redo the blood work, and if the blood levels are still high go back on the testosterone and then see the blood doctor. He reassured me I would not redevelop female features since I have had the surgery and no longer have estrogen. And he said It is dangerous for me to be off it forever because of osteoperoris or however its spelled. So this is not permanenet and I'll only be off the testosterone for 3 months. I have an appointment set up with him in May and I'll get a call about the blood doctor. But he said my anxiety and mood swings will be greatly reduced by going off it because I'll be resetting my body and hopefully lowering my blood levels. I do know the testosterone was really affecting me mental health wise but I do know I don't want to be off it forever but I physically can't anyways.

So I'll see how it goes. If I can get rid of this really bad anxiety and these mood issues then that would be great. I have some kind of blood test on Monday that has to be done as close to 8AM as possible see if thats whats causing any of my symptoms.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed My doctor is super nice. The appointment was confusing but my mom was with me so she got what I didn't understand. I don't have blood cancer but the 2 blood levels just indicate that I have too much testosterone in my system and I am already on a very low dose. So he was all like well we could try a gel testosterone but its super hard to get because of insurance issues. He said we could try lowering the testosterone even more and I would then immediatly need to see a blood doctor to make sure nothing else is up. Then he said the best soloution would be to go off the testosterone completlely for 3 months, then redo the blood work, and if the blood levels are still high go back on the testosterone and then see the blood doctor. He reassured me I would not redevelop female features since I have had the surgery and no longer have estrogen. And he said It is dangerous for me to be off it forever because of osteoperoris or however its spelled. So this is not permanenet and I'll only be off the testosterone for 3 months. I have an appointment set up with him in May and I'll get a call about the blood doctor. But he said my anxiety and mood swings will be greatly reduced by going off it because I'll be resetting my body and hopefully lowering my blood levels. I do know the testosterone was really affecting me mental health wise but I do know I don't want to be off it forever but I physically can't anyways. So I'll see how it goes. If I can get rid of this really bad anxiety and these mood issues then that would be great. I have some kind of blood test on Monday that has to be done as close to 8AM as possible see if thats whats causing any of my symptoms.

Your doctor sounds kind and competent. Your appointment was helpful and reassuring, which is great! Thanks for checking in, Md

Earlier today I got a call from the coroner confirming what my wife died from now we had talked last week and he told me the cause. Well I was at the grocery store after he called and they played a Pink Floyd song and it was one she loved and I started to cry in the store not sobbing but tears running down. Well I got home and I was looking up something on YouTube and I came across a old song that we both liked came on . This song brought me to hard tears.
I don't know if him confirming what she died from made her death a reality or not. I am really depressed right now like more than I can remember. I was not going to go to my church group but I have changed my mind and I am going to go to it tonight.

I would like to thank everyone here that has given me support. Thanks again.