Bipolar check-in #63

So sorry this is happening. I have a dog not a cat but when she’s not well it tears me apart so I really feel for you. I hope her levels stabilise soon for the long term.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I’m supposed to meet my daughter halfway to visit this morning. I don’t want to go. I’m in pain. I’d rather sit on the couch, pop some pills and sleep. I won’t do that though. It’s not in the best interest of my healing. I will drag myself up and out and I’ll feel better for it. May be in tears but I’ll do it. I was good friends with this guy for a year and then when the relationship became more we were wrapped up in each other for hours and hours a day. Everyone and everything else took a back seat. I can see now that 14-17 hours a day wrapped up in someone is not normal. When I broke off the relationship, I lost my best friend as well. I know none of it was healthy. My heart just hasn’t received the memo yet and I feel things too deeply anyway. If I had to do it over again would I? That’s a hard call. I really, really loved the guy and didn’t realize how twisted he was until the end. One great thing to come out of this is that my sister and I are talking and she has been very supportive. We’re planning things to do together. I’ve researched the top 10 dating websites of 2022. I’m not ready yet but when I am, I’ll put myself out there. In the meantime, I will work on why I’m always trying to fix and keep attracting unhealthy guys. I suspect it’s low self worth. I’m processing things in a healthy manner and healing at a good pace. It will just take time. I hope everybody has a peaceful Sunday. Hugs to all

I commend you for deciding to meet your daughter. I understand how much easier it would be to stay at home. I hope you enjoy the time with her.

It's a wonderful thing, with your sister.

You truly are doing hard work with processing things. Please be very, very proud of yourself

Not feeling so good.

@BethRags, gas is about that price in Czech Republic, too. Generally gas prices are almost the same throughout Czech Republic, unlike in the US where gas prices vary by state and even by gas station and its location or station owner. It's a reason that my husband and I wanted the hybrid car. We only drive beyond the city limits on occasion. Driving within the city limits we barely, if at all, even use gas. We drive fully on electric as long as we remember to charge it when we get home. To save money, many Czechs drive diesel engine cars. They pollute more and smell up the place with cough-inducing fumes.

I've read that the EU would like to propose an effective ban on new petrol and diesel cars starting in 2035. We'll see if it happens. I'm all for it. Obviously the infrastructure (and electric cars) would need to be further improved to make that feasible. Also, countries here have plenty of dissenters, as well.

I'm in the mood to push my hubby a bit. I just emailed him the dates we should consider for our France trip. So far all of April is available and into the first week and a half of May. Then June is open. I don't want to wait beyond that as it gets hot. Plus, with the situation in Europe kinda iffy, I think it best that we get going on this sooner than later. Seeing Ukrainians fleeing their homes with just a few bags in hand would not be how I'd like to move. Different factors make living in Czech Republic perhaps a little less likely for us.

I've been struggling to remember in which movie there was a line that went roughly like "There comes a time when one has to start a new life sooner rather than later." Does this ring a bell to anyone? Maybe "Casablanca"? I wish I could find the exact quote.

Add on:

Ah, ha! I got it. It was actually a little different quote that I modified slightly. From the movie "When Harry Met Sally", Harry said:

"When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

I talked to my daughter on the phone for an hour and fifteen minutes but I couldn’t muster the motivation to go meet her to visit. We rescheduled for next week.

There are two factions warring in my body right now. The healthy part walked away and the support I have received on this forum has reinforced that. The other extremely unhealthy part of me wants to beg him to take me back even with what I know. Today, I don’t know which one wins.

Hugs to all

Update:. My bleeding is down to a regular period. It's the blood thinner eliquis that I'm taking I'm pretty sure that made me bleed so heavily last night. I never did go in. Overnight I only needed one pad so I think the worst is over. They said to call if I bleed past Wednesday.

I go to a program called Celebrate Recovery on Fridays well the first Friday of every month they have what is called chip night. I celebrated this month 24 years of being clean off meth and cocaine. It was a struggle for the first couple of years and I remember for like the first 15 or 20 years all kinds of different things made think about when I used.

This old friend 8f mine at CR invited me over to his house yesterday for movie night. I actually went and really enjoyed myself. When I got home last night I have had this weight in my mind and decided to vent on Facebook and I'm not going to say what I said but I really blasted God at the end of it I wrote down that I still loved God and that I was going to erase this in the morning and I did. I was surprised cause I did not want anyone to respond and I had posted at such a late time. Well one of my buddies blasted me telling me how wrong I was and that I should have never posted this and some other things. I was amazed at how many people that defended me. One of them was my mother in law and she is a go to church twice on Sundays and once on Wednesdays for bible study. She really put my buddy on notice and let him have it I was really surprised.
I did not respond to anyone that posted I just read the comments then I deleted the post like I said I would. I don't hate god he is a very big part of my life and I blasted him pretty good last night but I know that that is allowed cause he knows what I am going to say even before I do. It actually felt really cleansing to clear my mind last night.
Things are getting better slowly and I still cry a couple of times a day and I cry myself to sleep several times a week.

The one thing I also did last night was before I left the house my daughter and I text and talk everyday. She had mentioned that her favorite band Slipknott was coming to town but she could not afford to go. When I got home from my buddies the first thing I did was go online and order her and her girlfriend a set of tickets. I took a screenshot of the tickets and sent it to her. She was working but about 2 minutes later she was blowing up my phone. I gave them to her as a early birthday present cause her birthday is the 10th of July but my 24th anniversary is on the 17th and I knew I would be useless around then. I also gave it to her cause she deserves a break from all this stuff with her mom and me. She has been there everyday since my wife passed. The day my wife died I called her to tell her the news and she was right in the middle of work she did not say anything to anyone she just got up got in her car and came right over. She did not get in trouble but that kid of mine is so damned stubborn lol.
My daughter is a lot like my wife was she is very kind hearted and compassionate and loving but unfortunately she inherited my stupid temper.

Well thanks for letting me vent I appreciate it.

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@otroo:

What a wonderful post! It's good to see your life going on despite your grief. Congrats on 24 years off meth and coke. Glad you enjoyed movie night at your friend's. So swell of you to get your daughter the concert tickets, really charming. Hope your upward trend continues!

Thanks I appreciate it.

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I'm doing good today. I dont know if it works that fast but the increase in topamax seems to be helping my moods and anxiety. I weighed about a pound less today. So not a lot but you can never tell when your on vacation. Today I'm just doing laundry and I'm about to turn on the TV for the rest of the day. My testosterone shot is supposed to be on Tuesday. So I'm guessing by Thursday or Friday I'll start to feel the effects of being without it. I don't know how long that lasts. When I went off it for 2 weeks in November I think I was feeling pretty crappy for at least at a week. But we'll see. Maybe this time won't be so bad. I bought boxers for the first time and I didn't know underwear like boxers existed until I saw RuPauls Drag Race. I always thought boxers were like, shorts. I got some Hollister ones and they fit but my pants keep slipping down and I don't know if its because of the boxers or because my pants are getting bigger.

Being anxious is useless. Zero fks.

Oh my gosh, I know. It’s so rubbish!

We got home today, my fiancé is off work for the week so I’ll get to see some more of him.
We had a lovely weekend away but I fell asleep so early last night, it was a bit rubbish! My sleep is still an issue.
It’s my friends hen party next weekend. I really don’t want to go but there’s only 3 of us so I can’t not!

I hope everyone is doing ok. I hate only using my phone and not having a laptop

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour @BethRags, gas is about that price in Czech Republic, too. Generally gas prices are almost the same throughout Czech Republic, unlike in the US where gas prices vary by state and even by gas station and its location or station owner. It's a reason that my husband and I wanted the hybrid car. We only drive beyond the city limits on occasion. Driving within the city limits we barely, if at all, even use gas. We drive fully on electric as long as we remember to charge it when we get home. To save money, many Czechs drive diesel engine cars. They pollute more and smell up the place with cough-inducing fumes. I've read that the EU would like to propose an effective ban on new petrol and diesel cars starting in 2035. We'll see if it happens. I'm all for it. Obviously the infrastructure (and electric cars) would need to be further improved to make that feasible. Also, countries here have plenty of dissenters, as well.

Interesting. In California, we're supposedly going to be finished with gas cars by the mid-2030's. Not sure how that will be achieved, but they'll probably find a way.


Funny, I like the smell of diesel...it reminds me of happy times in San Francisco when I was a very little girl. Market Street is a large thoroughfare in the city and diesel-fueled trucks would drive on it, especially in the early morning. My parents (interior designers) had a business in a building, way up on the 9th floor. I would stand at the window, watch the big trucks, and smell the diesel.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour I'm in the mood to push my hubby a bit. I just emailed him the dates we should consider for our France trip. So far all of April is available and into the first week and a half of May. Then June is open. I don't want to wait beyond that as it gets hot. Plus, with the situation in Europe kinda iffy, I think it best that we get going on this sooner than later. Seeing Ukrainians fleeing their homes with just a few bags in hand would not be how I'd like to move. Different factors make living in Czech Republic perhaps a little less likely for us. I've been struggling to remember in which movie there was a line that went roughly like "There comes a time when one has to start a new life sooner rather than later." Does this ring a bell to anyone? Maybe "Casablanca"? I wish I could find the exact quote. Add on: Ah, ha! I got it. It was actually a little different quote that I modified slightly. From the movie "When Harry Met Sally", Harry said: "When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible."

Yep! That's the quote & movie.

I really hope you can get to France asap. I'm not seeing a safe future for eastern Europe. And likely a horribly stressful one. Speaking of which...Soupe, do you know/have an opinion on why NATO is refusing to declare a no-fly zone over Ukraine?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I talked to my daughter on the phone for an hour and fifteen minutes but I couldn’t muster the motivation to go meet her to visit. We rescheduled for next week. There are two factions warring in my body right now. The healthy part walked away and the support I have received on this forum has reinforced that. The other extremely unhealthy part of me wants to beg him to take me back even with what I know. Today, I don’t know which one wins. Hugs to all

NO, Jennifer! I don't often use the word "toxic" - but that person is clearly toxic to you. I hope with all my heart, and fully support you for NOT inviting him into your life.

I thought of a new hobby i can get into now that all my usual hobbies are failing me: church! God! There's a large charming pretty Church i like downtown and it will be the first place i will go once the mask mandate is up at the end of the month. It's very progressive with groups for all the new sexual orientations and genders. It's always got a very pretty altar with sculptures made of lengths of fabric and ornaments. It's got a women's center with a free weekday lunch program that i attended when i had tough times in my early thirties.

Church is familiar as i was raised with it and it's a comforting experience so hopefully i will be able to tolerate it. I have so many fun memories of church with my little sister. I love the hymns and like to sing and there's usually a couple instruments and the rituals and the prayers are like poems to me and it's a tame way of socializing. It's sedentary tho getting there might be harder now that we have our new subway, i'll just have to see. The whole mass is participatory art, i feel. It's a great time of year with Easter coming up next month!

It's a mild overcast day, well above freezing, tho very soggy. The sun peeked out and called to me so i got my dog outside and even walked her for the first time this year. I chatted with a neighbor as delighted with the day as i was. The snowmelt was actually streaming off the roofs, sparkling in the sun!

SIdney's glucose numbers were a little low of normal after her 5 p.m. insulin dose last night. But the numbers remained stable. I was testing her until 1 a.m., then went to bed. That gave both she and I a chance to sleep for some hours. She had a lower dose this morning and so far her numbers are on the high-ish side of normal, but again, stable. My tremendous hope is that a lower dose of insulin than what she's been getting will end up being what she needs. I will test her again in a couple of hours and desperately hope that her number will not have dropped.

I don't know how I made it through yesterday. What a hell it was.


Of course, I am still awaiting Sid's new food and her new vial of insulin. I am beyond frustrated and angry about the delays. I do give Amazon credit for being honest about time frame. The small "cottage" businesses have not been forthright with time frames.

There is a very large tree outside of my bedroom window and I saw the first, fat flower bud beginning to open this morning! Soon the tree will be absolutely covered with flowers! Then leaves will come and shade my sometimes too-warm bedroom. I am excited about the flowers.

My chore goal today is to vacuum. Then I'm going to watch a movie about Queen Elizabeth I. But right now, I am going to lie down and try to get some sleep, as I am exhausted.

I know that many of us are having rough times right now. Still, I hope for the blessing of peace, even if only some, for all of us

Quote:

Originally Posted by whatever2013 I thought of a new hobby i can get into now that all my usual hobbies are failing me: church! God! There's a large charming pretty Church i like downtown and it will be the first place i will go once the mask mandate is up at the end of the month. It's very progressive with groups for all the new sexual orientations and genders. It's always got a very pretty altar with sculptures made of lengths of fabric and ornaments. It's got a women's center with a free weekday lunch program that i attended when i had tough times in my early thirties. Church is familiar as i was raised with it and it's a comforting experience so hopefully i will be able to tolerate it. I have so many fun memories of church with my little sister. I love the hymns and like to sing and there's usually a couple instruments and the rituals and the prayers are like poems to me and it's a tame way of socializing. It's sedentary tho getting there might be harder now that we have our new subway, i'll just have to see. The whole mass is participatory art, i feel. It's a great time of year with Easter coming up next month! It's a mild overcast day, well above freezing, tho very soggy. The sun peeked out and called to me so i got my dog outside and even walked her for the first time this year. I chatted with a neighbor as delighted with the day as i was. The snowmelt was actually streaming off the roofs, sparkling in the sun!

I am in favor of the church idea. I know many people are very down on religion, but sometimes even just a one-time visit to a church can be sustaining.

@BethRags:

Glad to hear that Sidney is testing within normal range and hope that her next test goes well too. You are a very dedicated and conscientious cat mom. Good to see you're not neglecting your own health either. Enjoy your nap and movie. Your flowering tree sounds delightful!

My nephews didnt come over. They wanted to see Batman instead. They are getting to that age where going out during the weekend is more fun then spending the day at Grandmas. I told my mom and she was like "oh, I don't think its that." Um... anyways it was fine for me because I could relax without feeling pressured to go out of my room and socialize with them.

I ordered some Planters peanuts and cashews on Amazon. Peanuts and Coca Cola are a really good combination. I've never flown but I've heard they serve them on planes.

The support I'm getting from each of you means the world to me. I just tested Sid's glucose and she's holding steady. On the high side, but steady, so it's okay. I won't need to test her again until suppertime at 5 p.m.

I did fall sound asleep for almost 2 hours a while ago. What a blessing, so needed. Now I have enough energy to vacuum!

That's so great that you got such a nice sleep. I took a long nap too which was much needed too.

I just saw on CNN that hangxiety is a real thing. Anxiety from hangovers. I used to get hangovers from too many psych meds when I was a teenager. I remember the terrible anxiety that followed it and thinking the anxiety was as a result of the reason I was in the hospital. Not from the meds.

It sucks when doctors assume its your diagnosis causing your issues when it very well could be your meds. I luckily have things under control regarding my psych meds and know enough to tell when something is off. But when I was 13 and 14 and everything was changing at one time and I was not in control of things, I had no idea.