Bipolar check-in #63

Hi... I read all today's posts but it's almost time to start winding down for bedtime. Since I slept TWO NIGHTS IN A ROW I don't expect to sleep at all tonight, but I'll present myself to the bed at the usual time anyway. Who knows....

whatever2013 and Mountaindewed, sorry you're having such rollercoaster days.
BethRags, I'm happy you have some good news.
Polibeth, I have anxiety too and I hate it, although I think I've gotten better at tolerating it.

Good night to everyone, and I mean a GOOD night.

Neither of my doctors will proscribe that or other benzos really my head doctor did give me haldol for like 2 weeks after my wife died but she would not give me anymore. I wish she did. I mean it was only a 2mg like every 4 or 6 I don't remember lol it did help though.

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These last I don't know how many weeks or days it has been but I have been writing long posts and I do it on a couple of different place. I post different things on these places I try not to repeat that much it happens oh well. Well on two separate posts my buddy responded and basically was telling me how to grieve. Well I actually put hime in his place no name calling nothing like that. I don't want to repeat it here because it might be a trigger and I'm to lazy to write it lol. I will tell you I was polite but stern and I just told him how I was feeling I ended it with " We all grieve differently and no one has the right to tell anyone how to grieve." I also said I know I have said some stuff about god but that I am allowed to be mad at him because he knows what I am going to say before I was born. He actually apologized to me I was surprised.

For years all I posted was stupid memes and dumb stuff. Well like I said I have really started to write books. It really helps me for a little bit yes I do cry a lot of times writing but I also cry all day and I probably will for a long time. I have been venting so much and it really does help me. For like all my life I held in my feelings I just stuffed them away except my anger. This is the most I have ever said to anyone at all I mean my wife and I were very good at telling each other our feelings for like the last 10 years we were completely open and honest. I'm not making this up for like the last 5 or so years we had the perfect relationship it was very euphoric feeling. Yes we had some small arguments but they were over real quick but they were healthy arguments. We sometimes learned some stuff lol.
My mom told me after my. Wife passed that I was never allowed to have a girlfriend and if I did I was never to bring her over lol. My daughter told me that if I ever gor remarried she would never call her mom. I told her that was for little kids. I honestly don't even have the desire to look I don't ever know if I will meet someone it does not matter to me anyways if it is meant to be it will happen I just don't know if I will ever actively look for now no.

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I think all those years of therapy and all those classes I have taken for mental health but for the first time in my life at least for now I have been able to recognize my cycle I am in know wrong spelling. I figured it out like the middle of like last week yes I was spending money on mostly Motorcycle parts yes I said I was going to get them. But that was supposed to be in like 2.5 years lol. I have been able to stop stupid spending lol. I was also active in my mental health treatment I knew I was manic I got a script of that Seriquil but it is only 100mg 1 time at bedtime it does help through almost through part of the day. I'm not looking to be a zombie just to know the edge off. I want to talk to my head shrink doctor so I left a message today to see if I could get an appointment this next week. My kid gave me a card for her therapist she made me promise to make an appointment so I am calling first thing Monday. One day at a time. So I got my house cleaned yesterday and I promised to maintain it. I had a small bag of garbage and I actually took it out tonight instead of waiting till next Monday till I took it all at once.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I spent the morning feverishly coloring for about an hour and a half. At 11:20 I finished and waited impatiently for my hair appointment. I couldn’t stand being in the house but I couldn’t go to the gym bc I couldn’t shake the seroquel hangover right away. Getting my hair done was awesome bc I got to talk to my stylist for like 3.5 hours, I’m calmer when I’m with someone. I used to be mad that people “stole my energy” but I’m cool with it right now bc I can CALM THE F DOWN. Anyway I freaking love my blue ombré hair. It’s a denim blue, bright enough to be noticed but dark enough that I won’t get trouble at work when I eventually go back. I mean idc bc I know they won’t fire me right now anyway and if they do oh tf well. DON’T CARE. I’ve been cool most of the evening bc I’m with RS so we are talking but we’re watching comedy specials right now and now I’m getting restless. Waiting until I can finally take my meds but it will take a bit to put me to sleep. I did remember to pick up my meds. Good for me. I think I will end up coloring again, at least it’s helping.

Your hair sounds FAB! I wish I could see it!

@otroo

I didn’t start dating until 2 years after my first husband died. It just kind of happened. I had one casual relationship and then found my current husband. However, you never HAVE to start dating. You don’t have to do anything. Everything is still really raw right now so I understand that’s it’s not even something you can think about, and I would expect the same from your mother and daughter as well. Hell I think my ex MIL was still salty when I married my current husband this October, even though she likes him.

I’m also glad you put your friend in his place. People always have **** to say regarding another’s grief. I remember at my first wedding our grandmother made my brother cry by telling him he should be “over” our dad’s death by now (now meaning 12 years ago.). Of course she was born in 1923; stoicism prevailed. But yeah, you do you and follow your own grief path. I’m glad you recognize that that is perfectly acceptable.

I need to talk ... Haven't had time to read trough all the posts. I am frightened and I am beginning to have suicidal thoughts. I am very much afraid that I will not have packed everything when the moving van comes in the beginning of next week. There is nobody who can help. My grown up child is on a weekend trip and so are other family members. My family is small. None of my friends know that I struggle ...

Ahh, at least I can feel a tiny bit of hope, now, while writing here. May be I only needed to talk to somebody. Hope so. I usually have cognitive ideas about what to do if feeling suicidal, but now everything feel "out of place".

May everybody have a good day!

I woke up at 2:30. My cat wanted breakfast. I refused. I’m not going to reward her for waking us up in the middle of the damn night. I give them a little bit of food three times a day and no more. She’s super overweight and needs a stricter diet actually but I’m easing them into it.

It’s 3:19 now and I imagine I’m up for the day. It’s going to suck today, the weather is going to be awful so I can’t really go anywhere except to my son’s dentist appt at 9am. I really don’t want to take him because I missed my last two appointments and I know they’re going to hassle me. Not in a mean way, they’re very nice and understand my hatred of the dentist. But I’ve got major problems with my teeth (since I never go to the dentist lol). I need a bridge but that shot is $3000-$5000 so not happening any time soon.

We might go to Florida over spring break to visit my husband’s grandpa. I will be terrified on the plane (super claustrophobic) but I think only for a little while if I bring a book.

Ugh I’m seriously so frustrated though that I can’t stabilize. I feel like I should throw all my meds out and start from scratch. I’m worried I’m going to crash. I mean this is definitely into actually manic, not terribly so but definitely not just hypomanic. Maybe the vraylar wasn’t a good idea. I’m hoping when I start PHP that she will just give me more depakote if I’m still manic. My level is only 61 and minimum to be therapeutic is 50. Max is 125. So I’m on the low side. I’ve refused to do it before bc it higher doses make my hair thin and fall out, but not like chunks so maybe if I take like biotin or some **** it will counteract. I just hate being on so many meds after years of only being on 2.

After I took a little ride to get coffee I was really depressed and manic and I got home and it drove me nuts. Well my oldest dog needed a haircut she was all mated up. I went with my daughter and dog to get her cleared up they only had 1 guy working and this was his first week at this job and he was honest and he did not feel comfortable enough to trim her nails. Well to escape the house I took her to the doggy do it yourself place and I got her pretty well shaved pretty good. I had a hard time with the feet but I got all the matted up hair off of her. I felt really bad gave her a bath and. I had tat the last second and trimmed hem trim her nails the head groomer show up and cut her nails.

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This the first time I had ever shaved a animal. I did ok I got the matted areas all taken care of gave her a bath then MS Molly had her nails trimmed right on up.
We had this dog years ago MS Molly. She was spoiled Crystal spoiled All of usshe really spoiled Sierra

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I understand moving anxiety. We moved a year ago and I was too anxious to pack so unfortunately I waited until the night before and frantically threw everything in bags and boxes with no rhyme or reason. It was really fun unpacking lol.

Suicidal thoughts really suck, but it’s good you have ideas on how to handle it. It is very difficult when your physical space is in disarray to keep your mental space from following. Come here as often as you need!

Mountaindewed you need to drink a lot on topomax because you can get kidney stones if you don’t and apparently they hurt like crazy.

Sorry probably should have quoted one of your posts but just about to go to bed and writing this before I go.

Yeah I think I remember my kidney doctor saying something about topamax and water. Our water thats on our fridge door makes me feel really sick though. I don't know if bottled water is an option. There used to be this type of bottled water I really liked but I forget what it was called. It wasn't expensive either. About $4 for a case of 18. Vapor something water?

Vapor distilled water. Thats it.

Wassup my homies? We could get up to a foot of snow today with winds up to 45mph. I'm gonna feel guilty for not being able to shovel. Maybe I could turn my crutches into shovels? but yeah, I'd be really surprised if it's as bad as they say it's going to be AND the power stays on.

I see my new NP Monday. It's telehealth so I don't have to go to my dad's for it. I'm feeling really good so hopefully she'll increase the paliperidone and decrease the olanzapine as that was the long term intent. I'm doing surprisingly well. I'm great but not euphoric. I'm confident but not grandiose.

May everyone not just survive, but thrive!

Well I’m actually super tired so that’s good. Maybe I’ll get a nap in after my son’s dentist appointment. We have to go to a store real quick but then I’m coming home and laying down. It’s good I’m tired, maybe that means the mania is on its way out.

I'm sure she feels pretty good and was likely happier with you doing the work than a stranger.

I've been putting off getting my hair cut and colored for a very long time. Coincidentally, I decided to trim my own bangs just about 20 minutes ago. I'm sure I did a poor job, but at least my bangs are a little less in my eyes. I didn't dare trim too much off for fear I'd really screw it up.

Thank you so much for your kind words! My suicidal thoughts were just in their beginning and are past now. I feel exhausted, but will try to do a little packing this evening and do more tomorrow. Soon this will be over and I live in my new home.

Thanks again!

I understand the suicidal ideations and I know that is a horrible feeling. When I used to have those feeling I would a spot and sit down and try to meditate even just a few seconds of it helped a little bit.

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Thank you so much for your advice!

edited: today's been a crazy day

@otroo Sounds good, everything you've been posting. I'm sure others as well as myself like for you to express yourself here.

Recognizing what's happening with our slightly screwed-up brains... Good for you. It's not so easy for me when I'm in the middle of it. What I''m thinking at the moment seems like the truth. What I'm wanting at the moment seems like what I have to get in order to have a little happiness in my sad life (then later, when my life seems good again, I wish I hadn't done that.). So again, congratulations.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 I need to talk ... Haven't had time to read trough all the posts. I am frightened and I am beginning to have suicidal thoughts. I am very much afraid that I will not have packed everything when the moving van comes in the beginning of next week. There is nobody who can help. My grown up child is on a weekend trip and so are other family members. My family is small. None of my friends know that I struggle ... Ahh, at least I can feel a tiny bit of hope, now, while writing here. May be I only needed to talk to somebody. Hope so. I usually have cognitive ideas about what to do if feeling suicidal, but now everything feel "out of place". May everybody have a good day!

Stress can so easily exacerbate mental health issues. It's tough when you're going it alone, I've definitely been there. Please check in as often as you can. It will help you, plus we'll know how you're doing.

I placed an order for walmart to be picked up around 4. I got alot of non dairy stuff. Cheese, and macaroni and cheese, and some pizzas and stuff. Then I went to the local grocery store early at about 8 to get some stuff for right now. I got some big bottles of vapor distilled water and a pacakage of non dairy cheddar cheese and a couple non dairy burritos and a couple cartons of dark chocolate almond milk. I was drinking the bottled water instead of the water from the fridge and I felt so much better. I was hesistant about eating a burrito that said non dairy just because it sounded gross. But it actually was pretty good. The cheese though was what was really freaking me out. Non dairy cheese just sounds so fake. But it wasn't bad. It was crumbly and a ton denser then regular cheddar cheese but it didn't taste all that diffren't. But for the first time in days I am not anxious or severely nauseated. So I don't know. Non dairy stuff is super expensive though and don't even get me started on bottled water instead of filtered fridge water. But its like I feel a legit differnce both physically and mentally. So idk.

I think I’m crashing. I’m in a piss poor mood. I’m snapping at both my boys. I power cleaned the kitchen in 10 minutes to make sure I did something while RS was at his side job. He doesn’t get mad but I can’t shake the boulders on my back so quick. I was a little agitated, enough to demand we go to the store and buy things so I could get out of the house and feel better. In my defense though the only unnecessary purchase was two spring candles.

I just hoped it doesn’t mix again. I’d much rather be depressed. I’m running out of hope. No joke. I hope the php dr has some ideas. I really, really, REALLY don’t want ECT again. Like really. It ruins my memory. And my memory is already trash right now.

@Mountaindewed I'm lactose intolerant... if that turns out to be your problem I might be able to help you with some of the details of how to cope with it.