Bipolar check-in #63

My mom accused me of snorting coke. I'm 19 days shy of one year off drugs and alcohol. That hurt, but **** her.

I am super crabby today. Borderline angry. I guess its hormone related. I'm getting pissed at my mom though which is not very common. I deactived my facebook for a bit. All these "we're all gonna die" and "the worlds gonna end" posts were too much for me. I went to the library and picked up 5 books. I'm hoping I can get into reading again. I'm emailing my doctor to see if theres any other option besides going off the shots completely. As much as getting some relief from this anxiety sounds like, I don't want to go off the testereone totally so I'm hoping he can come up with a alternative solution. I know he had some other options, like lowering the dose some more, seeing the blood doctor right away, donating a pint of blood to lower the levels etc. but my mom was being a bit pushy for me to go off it for 3 months. So hopefully he gets back to me soon with a solution both me and him are happy with.

Edit: my doctor got back to me and strongly suggests I don't go back on the testosterone for 3 months until I see the blood doctor. He says with the elevated hemoglobin and hematocrit levels theres just too much of a risk for me having a heart attack or a stroke. So I guess I'll just have to deal with being off it. I hope its worth it in the long run.

My phone is fked up and I can't call or text anyone. I'm alone and have no way of inviting anyone over!!! Gonna go crazy if I can't figure out how to fix this. I even attempted to hobble around outside to see if anyone was doing yard work or on a walk/run to talk to and nope everyone's inside. I'm getting massively strong arms from the crutches though.

Hi everyone I'm new here. Its like my days are more depressing than uplifting. I don't know how to cope with it. It makes me very sad.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I’ve been using The Unsinkable Bounce Back System from Sonia Ricotti to help me with this adversity. It’s helpful with all kinds of setbacks. I purchased it a couple of years ago. I wanted to mention that it has been a very helpful tool to have in my tool box. I’m also taking a course from DailyOM on how to move on from an unhealthy relationship. Good resources. The Van Gogh Immersive Experience is already booked into late June and it only goes through July. Yikes! Hope I can slide in. Hugs to all

You're an inspiration, Jennifer. You're always doing so many thing to help yourself, taking action. Classes, outings...I feel really proud for you, and wish I was more like you are. Watching Netflix seems to be my big accomplishment anymore.

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Originally Posted by whatever2013 I WENT OUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I showered this afternoon and was again struck by how much better i look with my hair growing in. I haven't been out in weeks, it's so uncomfortable with the mask. But i just decided i'd see how far i could get. I made it all the way to my favorite diner downtown and had their chocolate chip pancakes that i've been craving! It actually wasn't that great but i got to rehearse the bus route i will take later this week to get my dog groomed and spotted a better place to wait for her than the one i had in mind. So it was still worthwhile. It was two buses there and two back. It went smoothly and i am feeling stronger and more confident in myself that i managed the trip so well. See Jane: NOT helpless!!!

You are AMAZING, Jane! I balk at driving anywhere, and there you are, taking buses. I truly admire you.

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Originally Posted by bizi finished day 5 AF, thanks to the alcohol free beers. bizi

You are doing great, bizi. ((((BIG HUGS)))))

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird My sister and niece went to the Van Gogh Immersive experience awhile back, they really enjoyed it. Hope you enjoy it if you go I'm a big fan of him. I have a print of his Café Terrace at Night painting, that's one of my favorites of his. I still need to get it hung up in my living room. I also have a book about Van Gogh called Vincent and Theo: The Van Gogh Brothers by Deborah Heligman, it's really good I definitely recommend it.

I own the same print. My dad bought it for me and had it framed before he died. I so want to sit in that cafe...so many nights I pretend that I am. And the little train going by in the distance...

The book sounds excellent, thank you. I own several books on Van Gogh's life. When I was much younger and more energetic I checked out from the library the 3 very large and dense volumes of Vincent's letters and read them all. He was a brilliant writer, so descriptive.

Miss M. is darling. I smile when I see her.

Well, I haven't received a call that my therapist is out today so I will actually have an appointment with her. The drive to that icky new clinic really is not far, but it feels like an hour.


I'm so afraid that when I tell my pdoc (tomorrow) that I've been taking Seroquel to sleep she'll be annoyed and refuse to increase the Zoloft and Gabapentin. I hate living in fear of a doctor.

Sidney's glucose levels remain on the high side - but stable. So I'm keeping the lower dose going for now.

You know, if my husband was actually supportive it would help a lot. He has an aversion to anything medical. If he's here when I test Sid or give her her shot he "has to" go into the other room. He "can't" (won't) watch or even stand nearby. It always all about him...his feelings, his concerns. That's the way it's been for 40 years, certainly nothing will change. Him taking care of himself, me taking care of both of us.

Today is chilly and very windy. Still no rain, not since 1 day in December. But the huge tree outside of my bedroom window is beginning to pop out flowers! Pinkish-purple. It will really be a sight when the tree is covered with blossoms.

Time to take a shower. I bought myself rosemary-mint soap to make taking a shower more pleasant and easier.


I'll be back later. Sending love to each of you

Oh I hope the appointment with your therapist goes well @BethRags !
I’m sure your pdoc will understand. I’m sorry you feel afraid, but I don’t think you need to be. They’re there to treat you, not scold you or withhold medicine from you!
And I’m sorry about your husband. That’s really tough to do things like that without support. I know how hard it is looking after my dog alone while my fiancé is away all week and thankfully my dog isn’t diabetic.
It must be so challenging
I think you’re so strong and such a good cat mum! Sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs your way

I’m feeling very anxious about going back to work. I had an appointment with my GP to discuss my sick line and she asked how I’m doing. I said much better even though I know that’s not exactly true. It’s hard, I feel so rubbish most of the time but I keep trying to distract myself with things and keep busy.
I don’t know when my next pdoc appointment is, but she just said I have to wait anyway and let the medication do it’s job.

I’m feeling a little defeated by this illness

I hope you’re all having a wonderful evening

I wasn’t strong enough to resist. I reached out to my ex to see if he wanted to be friends. He was my best friend for a year before we got involved. He took the break up seriously and changed his cell phone number and email address as have I. I do have his address but I don’t think I’ll go any further. Many people would thank their lucky stars but I’m not today. I’m just sad. Yes, I know all the reasons I should run the other way and be happy I came out relatively unscathed but I don’t feel that way right now. Maybe after some time has passed. Love is a powerful force.

I appreciate all the support I have received. I’ll continue getting the grief processed and move on sadder but wiser hopefully to a brighter future.

Hugs to all.

My brother in law dropped my nephews off and one of them is sick and coughing. He's wearing a mask but I'm not sure what if anything that will do. The 5 year old doesn't have a mask on and my brother in law didnt have one on either. So I'm guessing they most likely already have what he has. Its just annoying when they bring the kids over when they are sick. I don't know if high red blood count levels indicate a greater chance at getting a worse case of whatever they have. I don't know. I feel like things are a bit of a mess all over.

I wish I could get into the habit of taking one of my 80 geodons at 1AM when I wake up the way I had been. That makes me sleep better and helps my anxiety during the day. But the 4PM-8PM anxiety is also hard and its hard to get to sleep without it.

My boxers are pinching into me so badly I need to fix them. My mom is really upset at my doctor for talking about the possibilty of the end of the of the world because of the ukraine situation. She said he should not have said that and I have been a mess ever since my appointment with him. She said he really set off my anxiety.

I went to turn off my light and I ended up touching a picture of my dead grandma instead. The picture is on the opposite wall where the light switch is. I've never done that before. ****ing omens.

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Originally Posted by atreyuh Hi everyone I'm new here. Its like my days are more depressing than uplifting. I don't know how to cope with it. It makes me very sad. Sent from my motorola edge 20 lite using Tapatalk

Hello, and welcome!

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I wasn’t strong enough to resist. I reached out to my ex to see if he wanted to be friends. He was my best friend for a year before we got involved. He took the break up seriously and changed his cell phone number and email address as have I. I do have his address but I don’t think I’ll go any further. Many people would thank their lucky stars but I’m not today. I’m just sad. Yes, I know all the reasons I should run the other way and be happy I came out relatively unscathed but I don’t feel that way right now. Maybe after some time has passed. Love is a powerful force. I appreciate all the support I have received. I’ll continue getting the grief processed and move on sadder but wiser hopefully to a brighter future. Hugs to all.

I'm sorry that you feel as badly as you do. I won't lie, I'm concerned about you reaching out to him. But whatever happens, and however it goes, I am here for you

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Originally Posted by Pinny Oh I hope the appointment with your therapist goes well @BethRags ! I’m sure your pdoc will understand. I’m sorry you feel afraid, but I don’t think you need to be. They’re there to treat you, not scold you or withhold medicine from you! And I’m sorry about your husband. That’s really tough to do things like that without support. I know how hard it is looking after my dog alone while my fiancé is away all week and thankfully my dog isn’t diabetic. It must be so challenging I think you’re so strong and such a good cat mum! Sending lots of positive thoughts and hugs your way

Thank you, Pinny, for your support and friendship. You're an angel

So I saw my therapist and wow, was it helpful. Just being with her in her office with the door closed felt safe and reassuring. She and I decided that we'll go for a session every other week. Once a month just isn't enough. And I can email her whenever I need to.

So now I have the appt. with my pdoc tomorrow afternoon. I'm trying not to get stressed out about seeing her. Once in a while she understands how I feel, but too often she judges me rather than hearing me.

One of the cases of cat food finally came today! Now when the other food gets here (supposedly Wednesday) I will be able to switch Sidney over to what I hope will be a more effective diabetic diet.


And then there's the war going on. I'm wondering if NATO is doing more than we know of?

Having a kind of up and down emotional day.
My daughter is asking me about what to do about a toxic relationship she has been in for like 5 years. When her and her girlfriend lived here years ago I told her it was a very toxic relationship and that they should split up I mean they fought with each other every day but she would never take advice from either my wife or me.

Well she is wanting to break up now and is asking me about it. I told her that i did not want to get involved and the reason I gave her is that her and mines relationship is the best it has ever been and that I did it want to give her advice because if they broke up cause of something I said and then got back together I did noypt want her to resent me because of advice I gave her. I told her I really just got her back in my life and I did not think I could stand to lose her. I did tell her though that if she needed a place to stay she was welcome to stay here and then I said the door is even open for her brother.
She said she understands where I am coming from and that she appreciated me being honest with her. I mean I honestly want to tell her to run as fast as she can. I live in Idaho and my sister lives in Florida and when I talked to her last she said my kid could move down to Florida and live with her. I would honestly load up my pick up and drive her down there lol. I might ask my sister to suggest that to my kid next time they talk lol.

It's sad but my daughter and I were best friends until she turned 12 or so. She had a real bad experience and she blamed me for not being here to protect her cause I was gone all the time driving truck. She is my rock and I told her she was my hero the other day. She and I did a 180 when my wife passed away and has been there for me through out this I don't think I would be in as good a shape as I am now without her being there for me.
Kind of sucks for me that once again I am not there to protect her again.

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I caved and cancelled my dog's grooming appointment. The logistics of getting her there by myself on the bus and then loitering in the neighborhood for hours waiting and getting her home on the bus during rush-hour were just overwhelming and my anxiety was unbearable. Luckily her grooming is not urgent. I emailed my one close neighbor and asked for her help as she drives and has taken us before. Last time she took us didn't go well as she was cranky but i think that's partly because i was inflexible about the arrangements so this time i left it all up to her and her preference and hopefully we will have a smoother experience.

So i get to enjoy my dogs wavy fluffy fur for two to six more weeks. She looks so cute with long fur, tho i so adore her, i love her when she is cropped and smooth too. It's so funny, when she comes to me from the grooming and we are united after being separated for a whole two or three hours i just light up!

@BethRags:

Sorry to hear you are doing all the heavy-lifting in your relationship with your husband. Once *i* had a near-medical-emergency in a foreign country and when i resolved it my ex yelled at *me* for scaring *him* when *i* was the one who was going to have to go to Emergency in a foreign country. It's very unfortunate they are this way.

@Jennifer 1967:

Yes, i think you dodged a bullet. Getting over a guy is tough work. Romance is such a joy and it's failure is so unpleasant. Be patient. I still grieve over a guy i broke up with in July. Changing gears is so hard. Be easy on yourself and try and remind yourself of all the reasons you broke up with him when you feel yourself wavering. I know breaking up was the best thing in my case too but the day is long and it's easy to forget. Jerry Seinfeld says breaking-up is like knocking over a Coke machine. You've got to rock it from side-to-side a few times before it finally goes over!

@Pinny:

Please be honest with your doctor. You don't have to put on a brave face for them. I know it's hard to be patient but it's all you can do.

@whatever2013

That was such a kind post, just before this one!

Despite the anxiety, you sound so reasonable about the dog too. I'm glad you have her to enjoy.

@otroo

Sorry you're in such a difficult spot with your daughter. It's hard to know what to do about adult children. They're usually going to just go ahead and do what they really want no matter what you say anyway. Your having been honest with her may be the best thing possible.

@Blue_Bird

I get heartburn when I have anxiety. I hate it. Who doesn't? If I drink a lot of water it usually settles down soon, but I don't know if that would work with GERD too.

Enjoyed the kitty picture! That's great that you have a carrier that she likes.

@Mountaindewed

Young children are sick so much--usually with just a piddling little cold, so maybe that's all it is--that most parents seem to block out the idea of giving somebody else something, in order to be able to have any kind of life. I didn't, when mine were small, but I'm unusually careful about almost anything.

End of the world? I don't see it. I worry about things, but this one doesn't seem real to me.

@atreyuh

Welcome. You're in good company here. Everyone knows what you're talking about.

Maybe you'll get some ideas about coping with it. For me, just reading these posts and thinking about whether I have anything useful to say, and if I think of something then saying it, kind of lifts me up a bit.

@Pinny

I'm sorry you're feeling discouraged--or were when you wrote this. Has it gotten better? If life is at all fair, it has, because you're so kind to the other people on here, you deserve some happiness.