Bipolar check-in #63

I've been so bored, lately, and have voiced that to Hubby, yet he's OK just idling about. He's mildly depressed, while I'm not. I'm more action oriented than him. I can try to put a fire under his butt but it doesn't often work. He's always so slow. Throughout our marriage I've often daydreamed of pulling him or carrying him in order to move faster. When I've tried to rush him he's protested.

Last night I didn't fall asleep until 3 am, waking up at 8 am. Hubby put on breakfast for a change. I definitely took my evening meds. I'm wondering if the season changes are a factor. There is already blooming forsythia here and snowdrops. This is not normal, but hey, nothing seems normal anymore.

My reduced pregabalin (Lyrica) has lowered my appetite, but my left foot pain has also returned to a degree. I guess the latter is the lesser evil. Really, it's no biggie.

I was thinking a lot about my old psychiatrist yesterday. It is/was a transference love case. I miss him more than I miss my own father. Sad but true. He and I have exchanged a few emails since I stopped "seeing him" last May (video sessions during covid). It's hard not to see them as sorts of love letters. It's my doing, as I initiate. I simply have to stop. I assume he likes them enough to not tell me to stop, or simply stop responding. In that sense, he's also quite to blame. Surely more so. It's been since before Christmas that we last wrote. There's never been proper closure in the relationship. I twice tried to say goodbye, but he refused it. Another abnormal thing. It prevents the grieving process from being adequately completed.

Well I’m not interested in going but go I will. There’s a very nice IP facility about 2 miles away or I could have gone to a very nice facility 30 miles away. I chose the one 2 miles away. In addition there’s a nice day program but the intake team wanted me there yesterday and IP. How I dread this.

My big regret is that my daughter is so worried. My positive thing to come out of it is that the deep freeze between my sister and I has thawed. Maybe we can come to common ground when I get out.

I hope everyone has a peaceful few days and I’ll see you when I return.

Your husband sounds a little like my sister. She has no fast pace! Sometimes I can get frustrated with her, but she is who she is!

Im sorry to hear that about your old pdoc, it sounds like he maybe doesnt want to let you go? I wonder if its not just one sided.... Just be careful @Soupe du jour it sounds like there is more to his side of things!!

Im sorry to hear of your foot pain coming back on the lower dose. My appetite was HUGE when I was on pregabalin. It was crazy! It was such a helpful medication though, it really fixed my anxiety... until i got used to it and had to up the dose!

Thank you @Jennifer 1967 I hope you have a peaceful few days too and are able to rest up and recuperate.
Im sorry to hear of your daughter's worry, but I guess that is to be expected. Thats really positive about your sister though! Hopefully things will continue to improve when youre out of hospital!

Sending lots of hugs

Well I ended up going back to bed this morning but not really sleeping as there was too much going on (phone ringing, doorbell going, dog jumping on me).
I just felt overwhelmingly tired again. Hopefully though Ill get my healthy sleeping pattern back over the next few days. Im feeling optimistic I think.

Im going to see a friend this eve, just for dinner so that should be good. I havent cancelled on them. And I might see another friend tomorrow... we'll see!!

I cant wait for this weekend, its my fiance's birthday and Im taking him away for the weekend into the countryside. It should be lovely!

And one of my closest friends is arriving from abroad with her family so I might get to see them all next week. I havent seen her since before covid!!

Being off work is still a stress but I think it has helped to know that I dont have to worry about it until the 15th and even then, Im going back slowly. I just want to do a good job!

I hope everyone is having as good a day as possible! Sending so many positive thoughts and hugs your way

I'm in a lot of pain right now. They gave me a script for vicodin but I haven't filled it yet. I don't know if I should. On one hand, pain sucks, on the other, there is a good chance I won't take it as prescribed.

Edit: I had my intake evaluation at this region's CMHC this morning, it went well. They still want me on medicaid to get access to more intense treatment, but they'll see if I can get ACT without having medicaid. Same dx: schizoaffective disorder and PTSD although BPD was brought up. I see the psychiatrist in a couple weeks before they place me with an NP and my new therapist I see next week. I'm surprised it's not a super long waiting list.

Yeah that's what I think I will do. I need to get out of this house more often.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu That’s how it is here too. There’s no ip in my town, they have to drive you hours away and often out of state. When I first moved here 4-5 years ago there was an ongoing investigation reported in the newspaper about the lack of mental health care. As a result 5 counties got together and built a facility but it’s mostly outpatient and mostly for the one city that it’s located in. I would not want to go ip here. They do have a geriatric unit about 50 minutes away that I probably qualify for now, but that’s usually full too.

The system is worse than archaic.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinny Oh wow, we don’t have enough IP beds here but I think IOPs are much better for most people than IP stays in the U.K. You can’t check yourself in or choose to go IP in the U.K. only if a pdoc decides that you’re unwell enough. It sounds awful to have to travel for hours just to get an IP bed, I’m so sorry that people have to experience that. Mental health is chronically underfunded in the U.K., it’s such a shame. But with more awareness and less stigma it is beginning to become better understood how serious it is. It’s very interesting to learn about other countries/states/areas that all work so differently. Thank you to those who have shared

Do you think that Prince Harry speaking out about mental illness is helping the UK? I so admire him for opening up about mental health problems.

Yes it is, especially in small towns. Here about 4 months ago a guy holed up in his apartment threatening suicide. The response was to send swat teams, for two days they surrounded him, in the end he was shot by the cops.

Right now on the news is the closing of ten group homes. More disabled people displaced.

I want to say- Christina, I'm sending prayers and love.

I've more to reply to some of you, but I'm going to try to get more sleep than the 5 hours I've had. The Seroquel is helping me fall asleep at night though, praise be.

I have a sore throat. Not covid, just worn down from sleep loss and from worrying about Sidney. She's well worth worrying about though, that's for sure. Still working on stabilizing her glucose levels. For some cats it takes months. They're funny little beings.

Hugs all around. See you later.

I thought 'vicar' was the English/American word for somebody placed in somebody's job while the one who "owns" the job is on sick leave. What is the correct word?

Aww i hope you feel a bit better after a good sleep! Im so glad the seroquel is helping!

Yes of course, I think almost any celebrity or person in the public eye helps others if they speak out or discuss their mental health

I cancelled my plans tonight because Im too tired. Im in bed already and its not even 8pm.
I was hoping things were beginning to be over but I think I got to desperate to believe I could just wake up and my episode would be over.
Well back to the hard work, sleeping, yoga, mindfulness and exercise.

I got some new bed sheets today from Tkmaxx and I ordered a pillow spray to help me sleep better so I feel more refreshed when I wake up. We'll see if that helps.

I hope everyone has a lovely sleep!

Just last fall, yeah it was rough.

Much love Bizi. Hope your doing well

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I think that the Bipolar population varies a lot also inside the different groups, I or II or Cyclothymia. Still there are people who are in the Bipolar NOS group. Bipolar NOS means that one has some Bipolar symptoms, but not enough to put the person in a certain category.

I am either in the Cychlothymic group or Bipolar NOS. I respond very well to antidepressants, but have to use cognitive methods together with relaxation exercises to cope with all degrees of hypomanic feelings. I have to admit that I am scared of using Tegretol or similar, afraid that the combo of antidepressants with these milder medications used for hypomania will not go well together.

We have discussed the topic many times in therapy (am not in therapy now) and we have come to the conclusion that I, for the time being, can have a so good a life as possible the way I am medicated. I am good at structuring my days, eat healthy and for the most of my weeks have a good sleep hygiene. If the hypomania becomes worse, well then we have to consider Tegretol again. (I use medications for physical diseases as well, so the combo has to be right for everything).

Don't think so much about if it is Bipolar or not. Just try to cope with every day as it comes and make plans for how to look out for "red flags" who are telling you that you need to inform somebody about your condition. Enjoy happiness when it is there and try to cope with "depressive days".

oh how awful!
on both measures.
bizi

I don't mean to be terrible to you, but please stop this. There shall be a last hour to close a therapy, but if you have had some sort of "not abrupt stop", therapy can have a slow end over some weeks or months.

Since he is not responding, that is a clear message about that "Soupe du jour, you are finished here. The therapy has ended." May be he has understood that you have fallen in love with him and that is why he does not answer you. May be he has problems himself. Stop this!

If you need a therapist find another one. If he really sent "love letters", that may be a crime ... If it is you who read more into his letters than professional kindness, you need to say STOP to yourself. You can google about how to grieve ...

I send my best wishes for you!

Quote:

Originally Posted by Pinny Well it’s 5am and I’m awake…. Could this be the beginning of the end of this depressive episode? I have terrible hypersomnia when I have depressive episodes but when I’m well I wake up early and go to bed early. I’m ever hopeful. I think I have done everything I can to help myself except go IP which is what my pdoc wanted. But I think we both knew I was not going to go IP. I have a terrible fear of being an IP and I don’t want it to happen ever again. Plus I have my dog who really helps me- what would the poor little lump do without me! he’s such a sweetheart but he’s so scared of everything! Well I had more night sweats and more bad dreams about Ukraine. It just must be awful to be there or trying to get out of there. I really appreciate everyone’s support and kindness on this forum, you’re so very lovely and I can’t thank you enough for being there for me!

I hope with all my heart and soul that your depression is lifting. I'm sorry about the anxiety dreams. I, too, have been dreaming about Ukraine...trying to get little children to safety. It's a horrible situation that is stressing everyone.

Your country trip sounds delightful

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Yes it is, especially in small towns. Here about 4 months ago a guy holed up in his apartment threatening suicide. The response was to send swat teams, for two days they surrounded him, in the end he was shot by the cops. Right now on the news is the closing of ten group homes. More disabled people displaced.

Awful, awful stuff.

I wish you a good weekend. Hope the celebration will feel good. May the meeting with your friend and her family be wonderful.

Quote:

Originally Posted by GoGo2 I thought 'vicar' was the English/American word for somebody placed in somebody's job while the one who "owns" the job is on sick leave. What is the correct word?

I think a vicar is a member of the hierarchy of the Catholic church. Is the medical person in place of your GP a nurse practitioner perhaps? Or, if the person in place of your GP is also a GP you could call that person a "stand-in" for your GP.

My pdoc increased my Trintellix to 30mg. The max is 20 but she says she has patients on higher doses so it's worth a try to see if I can eventually get off the Klonopin.

Last night I was really struggling with the idea of going off my testosterone. I was worried about getting a female body shape again. Also I felt like I wouldnt truly be transtioning without hormones. At the same time I knew my anxiety and moods would be a lot better plus mainly my blood work just is not good even at the small dose I am on. I was so conflicted I contacted my doctor this morning and asked if I would get fat redistribution mainly to my hips. He replied back almost instantly and said he can not guarantee but since I did have the surgery and I don't have estrogen in me anymore so the chances of me developing hips are slim. He told me to just try going without the testosterone for 3 months and if something comes up I can talk to him and we can discuss things.

So I guess that makes me feel better. The idea of getting rid of this crippling anxiety and mood swings is amazing. I just don't like the idea of my transtion being on hold for 3 months or the idea of any possible physical setbacks.

But anxiety wise things have been tough today. I've been limiting my caffeine but drinking sparkling water and I dont know if the brand I'm drinking has caffeine. I went to get my haircut and so did my mom and I was done before her and there were a few people waiting. A man came in and then a weekly emergency test alert came on the radio. The guy mentioned something about Putin and seemed alarmed. Then he sat down. Right as my mom was paying a lady came rushing in I assume his mom and started hugging him and talking about sirens and alerts and Russia and the man was in full panic attack mode and just hystrerical. I couldnt tell if he had PTSD and the test triggered him or maybe he has family in the Ukraine. I was wondering if maybe something really big had happened. But it was really sad seeing how distressed he was.

I am avoiding the news as much as I can. I have my trip Thursday and am coming back Saturday and then I have my sister and her family coming over Sunday and Monday and then after that I'll probably have a tough few days or week when the testosterone is getting out of my system. But after all that stuff is done I hope things start to calm down for me.