Bipolar check-in #64

It's now almost 9 pm when I write this and I'm beat! My s-i-l's beau was in the city I live in and asked to stop by. I thought he'd come more around 4 pm, so I put out snack stuff. In the end, he showed up closer to 5 pm and stayed and stayed, talking on and on, which he's notorious for. I generally like him, but I was getting hungry when the clock showed 6:15 pm and I knew he had a long drive home ahead of him. So, I had to figure out something for dinner...and fast. I ended up defrosting and reheating homemade meatballs in pasta sauce and boiled up some spaghetti while I prepared a vegetable salad with mozzarella. By the time all was done I was sweating. He's finally on his way home and I soon after took a shower because I felt "not so fresh". I'm almost ready to go to bed, already in my jammies.

I think I'd like my s-i-l's beau even more if he didn't two-time on my s-i-l. She knew it from the start, but originally thought it would remain a "friendship", but inevitably fell a bit in love. I think he sort of is, but still won't sufficiently break it off with the other woman. In the end, it's up to her what she's willing to accept/tolerate. I'd find it hard, though.

.... It's amazingly sad how bipolar disorder can affect confidence, in so many ways! Fear of riding a bike again is just one teeny minor example of how it's affected mine. Perhaps I need some figurative training wheels.

My therapist was 15 minutes late today. After 5 minutes I was annoyed. After 10 minutes I was fuming. Finally she logged on and I immediatly layed into her and said "I was just about to say screw it and go back to bed because its starting to feel personal now." She apolgoized and said its not personal and said she knows shes late all the time. She says she trys to make up the time. I told her last time we still ended on time. She seemed legit confused and said she'll be sure to set alarms from now on. She offered me a different afternoon spot but I said I'd stick with this one. Things were quite for a few minutes. Mostly her talking. Then she said "I know your mad at me." Then I said I wasn't mad I was just super exhausted and anxious and nothing seemed to be helping. Anyways after our rocky start the session was pretty succesful. I told her I have been using the jumping to conclusions thought distortion in public a Iot which was making it hard for me to go out. So we came up with possible alternative solutions to the issues I've been having. At the end she told me shes glad I'm so flexible with switching to virtual since some of her other clients give her a hard time. So besides her being 15 minutes late it went well. I'm glad she's not the "I'm gonna call the cops you are unsafe" kinda therapist I had before I moved was.

After the session was over I decided to get chinese food for me and my mom since I have heard greasy foods help with hangovers. But I only ate 3 wontons before getting full and my lunch special is untouched in the microwave. This lack of appetite is going to become an issue soon. But the 3 wontons made me feel a bit better at least. I mean I don't feel as horrible as I did when I woke up this morning.

I'm ordering these breakaway collars for Miss Mustachio, I think she'll look good in purple since she's black and white.

She played fetch today, she actually carries her mouse toy back to me for me every time to throw it again for her

Here's a recent pic of her

So I decided to give myself some grace Recognizing that I was really sick but also was taken advantage of. I didn't ruin friend's lives on my own. I'm not innocent but I need to give myself the same grace I give others who do things while sick. I've come a long way in 20+ years. This however does mean I will not become close to anyone from my past because I am a different person. Now to explain to my T.