Bipolar check-in #64

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed I had therapy today and for the first time I felt like she got me and didn't think I was weird. I mentioned struggling with wanting to go IP last week and I said "sometimes I often want to go to the hospital just to be restrained but when I use my weighted blankets I feel better and I was told this is a sensory thing because of my autism". She didn't say anything for a moment and then said "yes it is, do you want to hear my expierence?" And I was like "yeah sure." And she explained to me that when she worked with autistic kids the same kids would become aggresive all the time so they could get restrained and then the staff realized they were just acting out because they were craving the pressure of being restrained. So the staff found other outlets for them. I told her thats excatly what it was like for me as a teenager but I didn't know it was a sensory thing until my transference therapist mentioned it 2 years ago. Then she asked a bit about my autism diagnosis and asked me if I had a weighted vest. I told her I did. She told me I should use it becauase it will really help. Honestly I never wanted to tell her I owned a weighted vest because I thought she'd think I was weird. But I think after the whole IP weighted blanket conversation she's realizing my autism and sensory issues are a bigger thing then she realized. I know when I mentioned the weighted blanket hospital thing to my transference T she said to me "ok, maybe this is a bigger part of things then we orginally thought." But its nice to not feel like a creep to my therapist anymore and to feel understood.

(((((HUG)))))

I've been wondering that too. Her last login was the 13th. I hope she's ok.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird I had a really good day, I got a very nice surprise, I won the coloring contest my building had and got a visa gift card as my prize the security guard downstairs said he and all the staff voted for mine, they liked it a lot , here it is Today I helped decorate the eggs that were used for the Easter egg hunt they did for the kids in the building, and we had an Easter potluck (I know Easter was Sunday, they were supposed to do it last week but it ended up having to be rescheduled to today) I bought 2 new videogames with my gift card (I’m really into gaming) I talked to my sister about Maybelle (her 13 year old cat she’s giving to me) she said she’d get her here before the end of the month so I’ll have her very soon! I’m excited 😃 Here’s a picture of Miss Mustachio just to show you how big she’s getting

Birdie, it's beautiful!!! If I had it I would hang it on my wall in a nice frame. Congratulations!

Miss M. got big!

I see klonopin in my future. I am not sleepy at it's 11:45 I haven't felt too anxious today but I am now. My surgeon actually called me herself to be sure I didn't have questions and to have me sign my consent form via patient portal. That made me feel good, not more stressed. I guess it feels more real now though. By this time next week I'll be waiting for pathology and that''s the big thing, not the surgery. The surgery sucks but it's a mean to an end.

5 more days

Thank you!

And yes she has lol she gets into everything, I left my clothes drawer a tiny bit open the other day and she squeezed herself in there and I had to pull her out. She also likes to jump up and push/shut my bedroom door when it’s open. Another thing she does is go after toilet paper so I have to hide it from her, occasionally she likes to climb curtains and knock them down, she’s a menace haha she’s a very sweet kitty though

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I am being rudely interrupted by David, so cannot reply as I'd like to. But I will in the morning. So much love, all around, to each of you.

Stomp this pain. I'm taking an old AP to sleep because that vicious bi*ch refused to prescribe AP's. Stomp her in a violent way.

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Originally Posted by BeyondtheRainbow I see klonopin in my future. I am not sleepy at it's 11:45 I haven't felt too anxious today but I am now. My surgeon actually called me herself to be sure I didn't have questions and to have me sign my consent form via patient portal. That made me feel good, not more stressed. I guess it feels more real now though. By this time next week I'll be waiting for pathology and that''s the big thing, not the surgery. The surgery sucks but it's a mean to an end. 5 more days

Klonopin for a short time can be so, so helpful.

I'm counting down with you!

Unfortunately I have been on benzos for22 years. We keep trying to taper down and then every time something happens and I have to go back up. First my bio father and then my non-bio father died about 18 months apart. Then I got down to 1.25 and was doing well on that and about to lower to 1.0 and all this breast crap happened and I had to increase my daily dose to 1.5 and PRNs were encouraged instead of trying to not use them. So after this is over I have to begin the taper process again.


Thanks for sharing my countdown!

Tbh in our 3.5 years together he has never been anything less than supportive and loving, but I guess he’s really feeling the stress. He definitely shouldn’t have said it because I am already feeling too dependent on him and something like that just kind of sealed the deal for me - now I won’t be telling him anything unless my clinician is going to tell him first. It’s going to tip our relationship into an unhealthy stage. But hopefully I might be able to work it out with my clinician the reason for my hyper independence anyway.

Gallstones can appear at any time….

I think I might have had some type of bug similar to covid. I'm feeling better but my mom has some version of it now.

I feel a ton better after starting my new pain med antacid thing. I can eat but it doesnt make me ravenous. I can just go back to my normal dieting. I went out to the grocery store this morning. I got the last 2 chicken dunk lunchables they had and a few other things. I also managed to go into the library by myself to pickup 2 Stephen King books I put on hold for my mom that I know she hasn't read. She was just reading the same ones and claiming she hadn't read them. But I knew of 2 she hadn't read which she also said she hadn't read. Then we also stopped at the gas station and I got the new flamin hot Mountain Dew. I am not totally sure drinking spicy Mountain Dew is a good idea so thats why I'm not getting any cases. Just two 20oz bottles. There was some big guy in there. Like 6'3 230 pounds or something. He wasn't paying me any attention really but man did I feel puny with my 5'5 157 pound self. He just glanced at me because I looked at him first but that was all that happened. The encounter actually made me feel good because I could tell I was passing. In a bit we have to take the cats to the vet but now I'm just relaxing.

Present. Don't worry about me, just been "busy"

I suppose I should give a legitimate update. I've been struggling with using again. I don't really want to quit. Call me stupid, weak, whatever, I don't care. I'm doing what I know to survive.

Everything is set up for me to get into ACT except being approved for Medicaid. Waiting on gov't of course.

I was supposed to have an appointment with my NP 10 days ago but I didn't know so I was informed of that when I called today asking when I'm supposed to talk to her again. Would've been nice to be told I was supposed to call on the 4th... Telehell appointment on Tuesday.

I need to take a shower tonight but I might wait until tomorrow morning just so my hair is tidy.

It's 60 and sunny out right now. I hope it's nice tomorrow but I think it will rain for the recital. We'll have to see what the hourly weather is for tomorrow, tomorrow.

I've lost the CD I had made of N3 singing when he was 9 for an assembly at school. I lost it when I moved a year and a half ago. It's like the box it and a bunch of other CDs were in just disappeared. I do have these recordings on YouTube but I can't "keep" those- they are inside YouTube, know what I mean? I have looked everywhere for those CDs and I even had decided at one point that the movers stole that box. Would've been easy to do: keep one box while all the rest were piled up on one another in my apartment. How could I tell that one was missing. But now it's been a year and a half and I don't think anybody remembers the name of the moving company we used nevermind the movers themselves. It's just one of those things that comes up and bothers me every so often again. I got up and changed the CD in my CD player and had a look through those CDs which I THOUGHT the one of N3 were with.

Tomorrow Caleb shows up. I hope the smoking isn't a big issue but I just know it will be. I'm starting to wonder why I invited him in the first place. I know why- he likes music and I thought he'd enjoy N1's folk music. She's even playing something by Bach on the guitar which I think is difficult. They've been practicing for months and months for this! Anyway, I've been thinking I just want to uninvite Caleb. I can't deal with the attitude he has about smoking.

Hi Beth. I'm a little late in responding to this post, but that day I wasn't nearly as aware of my mood state as now. Gosh yea this is clearly affecting me! Today I'm about as irritable hypo as I've been for a long time. Hubby deliberately dropped me off at the Airbnb to get rid of me...well, to let me cool off. I wanted away from him, too. He and I were debating fiercely about who is more domineering. I know he is, but I do get the official raspberries prize for most complaints. When irritable hypo I can belt out A LOT. That's not my norm, so it is "dysfunctional". I took an Ativan and am now resting after tidying up and doing minor cleaning of the Airbnb apartment. Dad, Sis, and nephew will come here for birthday cake after a dinner at a pizzeria.

As I wrote yesterday, I almost wish we could go straight home on Saturday instead of another week near NYC. But that's not gonna happen, so I'd better get my ssht in order. I'll take a little extra Seroquel if necessary, but I don't have much extra to spare. Just Ativan. I am sleeping just fine, so that's not an issue. Only daytime stuff. It is stressful and also depressing. Boy how I sometimes wish I could take a vacation all by myself and leave him home. No, I don't want to leave him, just have a break from him to do 100% of what I want, how I want, when and where I want.

Oh I hear you soup. Last night I lost it with mum. Just want a little break.

Had my fitness evaluation today. Surprisingly I could do more than I thought I could. It was a good time to be there too, very few people around. Really when he showed me what he wanted I didn’t think I could do it, but to my amazement I did. Not well and certainly trembling but I did it. Then he showed me which machines to use to strengthen my weak leg. I can fit the machine s in after fitness class and add just 30 minutes more. If I can strengthen my weak leg I can start walking again. Right now I can barely walk a block.

That's great Nammu!

Nammu, that's wonderful!

Great job nammu!

Boy have I run the gamut of emotions today. Mostly bc of the group yesterday still messing with my mind. Flipping from agitated depression to fury and back again. But I finally talked in group and it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I couldn’t be specific as I didn’t want to trigger anyone but just admitting out loud that my relationship with my first husband was ****** really helped.

Now I’m back to hypomanic. I cleaned the living room and started clearing off the kitchen table. I’m sitting in the backyard listening to punk music super loud, well as loud as my phone can go. It’s ok out, mid sixties but no sun and breezy so I have my heavier hoodie on plus a hoodie to cover my legs lol. I have leggings on bc I was gonna go to the gym this morning but my stomach was upset. Yesterday was the second time I’ve taken the gabapentin for sleep and also the second time I’ve been nauseous after taking it and into the morning :-/ I’m not gonna take it tonight to see if it’s the gaba or my GI issues acting up. I hope it’s not the gabapentin or at least that the side effect will lessen bc it’s working really well, I have to take much less seroquel.

I just ordered barefoot gym shoes for my classes at the Y. They are finally down from 100$ in price. I’ve always wanted a pair of those. They’ll be especially good for the Tai Chi which starts in a couple weeks. I really hope I don’t lose my momentum. I’ve bought 4 gym leggings and a pair of shorts, the shoes and one top. The tops are mostly too revealing I think I’ll stick to t shirts. The only new clothes I’ve bought in years are these gym clothes. I sure hope I use them. I’ve a habit of starting things then quitting

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Originally Posted by Sapien Present. Don't worry about me, just been "busy" I suppose I should give a legitimate update. I've been struggling with using again. I don't really want to quit. Call me stupid, weak, whatever, I don't care. I'm doing what I know to survive. Everything is set up for me to get into ACT except being approved for Medicaid. Waiting on gov't of course. I was supposed to have an appointment with my NP 10 days ago but I didn't know so I was informed of that when I called today asking when I'm supposed to talk to her again. Would've been nice to be told I was supposed to call on the 4th... Telehell appointment on Tuesday.

Hey...no worries...please don't not check in because you're using. I was concerned that you were IP or worse. You're not weak, sweetie! And you are NOT stupid. You're dealing with pain in the best way you can right now. I think it's great that you're following through with the various services. Having Medicaid will be so good. I'm really glad you've checked in

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Originally Posted by Nammu I just ordered barefoot gym shoes for my classes at the Y. They are finally down from 100$ in price. I’ve always wanted a pair of those. They’ll be especially good for the Tai Chi which starts in a couple weeks. I really hope I don’t lose my momentum. I’ve bought 4 gym leggings and a pair of shorts, the shoes and one top. The tops are mostly too revealing I think I’ll stick to t shirts. The only new clothes I’ve bought in years are these gym clothes. I sure hope I use them. I’ve a habit of starting things then quitting

Hmm...I haven't seen you as a quitter.....

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Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 Boy have I run the gamut of emotions today. Mostly bc of the group yesterday still messing with my mind. Flipping from agitated depression to fury and back again. But I finally talked in group and it was a huge weight off my shoulders. I couldn’t be specific as I didn’t want to trigger anyone but just admitting out loud that my relationship with my first husband was ****** really helped. Now I’m back to hypomanic. I cleaned the living room and started clearing off the kitchen table. I’m sitting in the backyard listening to punk music super loud, well as loud as my phone can go. It’s ok out, mid sixties but no sun and breezy so I have my heavier hoodie on plus a hoodie to cover my legs lol. I have leggings on bc I was gonna go to the gym this morning but my stomach was upset. Yesterday was the second time I’ve taken the gabapentin for sleep and also the second time I’ve been nauseous after taking it and into the morning :-/ I’m not gonna take it tonight to see if it’s the gaba or my GI issues acting up. I hope it’s not the gabapentin or at least that the side effect will lessen bc it’s working really well, I have to take much less seroquel.

I hope it's not the Gaba, too. If it is I've found that taking 1/2 a tablet of Less-Drowsy Dramamine stops the nausea side-effect until it eases up on its own. Also, sipping on ginger tea is amazingly helpful - IF the problem is med related.