Bipolar check-in #65

Ive been struggling with pain in my right big toe it’s like on the outside edge. It’s a constant pain and first I shrugged it off. But it’s becoming difficult to lay down to sleep last 3-4 days. ( it hurts 24/7 ) Like really painful like a flame is on it! At first I thought UGH gout ? It’s not red so I don’t know. I’ll have to just wait and see

Steve and I sat and discussed our financial situation.. we simply don’t make enough to pay everything. I’m going to rework our grocery budget AGAIN. We are going to have to somehow find a way to save money to fix the truck. No idea how. I’m very stressed about everything. I need to go to SS office and find out how I can go about a part time job and not lose my SSDI. I know there is a limit on income I just don’t know if there’s any other conditions since we are both on SSDI.

We got some strong storms late afternoon and I’m hoping it knocked some of this spring time pollen out of the air. It’s been bad here.

I realized earlier that I really have nothing to look forward too. Makes me sad

Take care everyone

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Christina

Soooo happy for you!!! I’m so happy it all worked out for you, what a load off!

My ride is going pretty good I get depressed most nights but I get to escape from it for hours a day riding. I bought this the 21st of last month and I have a little over 4600 miles on her. I went to Arches National Park in Moab Utah today. If you are on disability you can take in a letter head from Social Security to I think it is the parks program. You can get a free lifetime parks pass if I did not have that little card it would of cost me $25 but I got in for free. You never know you might go on a trip one day and now you can get into Yellowstone for free. The one pic is from a commercial photographer who I bought it from lol.

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I am returning a little earlier than planned but my daughter wants to spend mother's day with me. We are going on a day trip in the Idaho Mountains. This is the route we are going to take. It will take us all day but it will be nice. I really miss my wife it is like I am in a nightmare and I can't wake up. The first couple of days on this trip I heard noise and they woke me up and I thought it was my wife in the bathroom. I waited for a little bit then I got up to see if she was ok then I realized the truth. Well I have not had any dreams of any kind since then.

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Yeah I found out I can work with mine. I think I can only make like $1350 a month extra before they start taking away what the give me. I have to go in and see also.

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Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Ive been struggling with pain in my right big toe it’s like on the outside edge. It’s a constant pain and first I shrugged it off. But it’s becoming difficult to lay down to sleep last 3-4 days. ( it hurts 24/7 ) Like really painful like a flame is on it! At first I thought UGH gout ? It’s not red so I don’t know. I’ll have to just wait and see Steve and I sat and discussed our financial situation.. we simply don’t make enough to pay everything. I’m going to rework our grocery budget AGAIN. We are going to have to somehow find a way to save money to fix the truck. No idea how. I’m very stressed about everything. I need to go to SS office and find out how I can go about a part time job and not lose my SSDI. I know there is a limit on income I just don’t know if there’s any other conditions since we are both on SSDI. We got some strong storms late afternoon and I’m hoping it knocked some of this spring time pollen out of the air. It’s been bad here. I realized earlier that I really have nothing to look forward too. Makes me sad Take care everyone Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

The money thing is enough to drive anyone crazy. I give you credit for working out a budget. It's something I seriously need to do, but...what's the point. I know I don't have enough to even begin to cover all I need, let alone want. The last week of the month is bad, never have enough food, blah, blah. The one *big* treat I do give myself in the spring and usually summer is 1 pedicure at the beginning of the month. That falls under the heading of "good self care." Meals are sacrificed, oh, well.

Anyway, I feel ya.

And nothing to look forward to, boy, I work on that one a lot since my kids grew up. That's also a tough one.

XOXO

@*Beth* and @wildflowerchild25, I am like Wild in that I don't like manicures or pedicures, but for likely different reasons. I hate anyone touching my feet (incl. Hubby) and don't find mine attractive enough for such treatment. As for manicures, I don't mind them that much, but don't like nail polish and they always insist on using it on me. Then where I used to go they always wanted to give a quick shoulder rub afterwards, which I never like from strangers. Oddly, the only treatments I like are facials. Whenever we go some place that offers spa treatments, I only want a facial. One I received at a health spa some months back was especially good and thorough. The technician even semi-permanently colored my eyelashes, which are normally short and too fair colored. Too bad she works all the way in northern Czech Republic.

I am so so happy to read this, BeyondtheRainbow! I hope you will treat yourself to something nice in celebration.

I hope your toe pain just disappears one morning soon. I get mystery things like that that resolve themselves with time.

I'll be interested in what you learn from SS. My husband and I are in a similar place, financially, as you describe. I collect SSDI and my husband took an early retirement. Our grocery bill is usually our highest bill and needs to be decreased. My barrier in doing so is not just my love of cooking (and expensive fruits and veggies) but that Hubby buys mass quantities of things most don't and foods not in my plan.

I have done so well this past year that I would like to dip a foot into the part-time work pool. But it is scary! American SS is quicker to make it hard to easily go back on (in cases of relapse) than Czech's equivalent, which I'm not eligible for. Yes, I know US SS gives a trial period, but with bipolar disorder, I bet many do well up until the trial period is over. Then, financial ruin while you beg and wait during a possibly long reapplication. With me in Europe, I would have no idea what additional hurdles there could be, especially if during a period under a different administration that looks at those on disability as "leeches on society". I quote this awful label because it's one I've heard and read us called by many.

No matter who you talk to at SS, I think it's always good to call back and ask the question to a second person to ensure consistency. Over a year ago, I called SS about a change of address and bank info from the US to CZ and the person said I was no longer eligible for SSDI if I lived abroad. That was unequivocally false information! She was probably told that about SSI but applied the knowledge wrongly to SSDI. Imagine the damage that false info could do to someone?

@otroo, I love these photos and have also had the great pleasure of visiting Arches National Park. I'm glad your journey is helping you to various degrees. Seeing your daughter soon also sounds lovely. Cool bike! Hugs

Last night was tough. I eventually put myself to sleep early for my own safety. This morning I feel depressed but I did have some relief from it for an hour or so. Things that I normally power right through are dragging me down. This whole negative paradigm is getting to me. I feel like I have a cold or flu of the brain. I hope this passes soon. There is very little support from my family that lives in town. I do a lot for them but the reverse is not true.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

So I slept in the living room on the couch last night so I could sort of be there case the cats start fighting because I wanted to see how they would do together throughout the night. They seemed to do okay because I did fall asleep for a couple hours and nothing bad happened. Mustachio will not tolerate being shut in my room anymore, she's too curious about Maybelle, she cries really loudly constantly to get out so I kind of have to get them used to being together all the time now. I'm probably going to sleep on the couch the next few night just until I feel like they will be okay together if I sleep in my bedroom

Happy to hear your results were benign BeyondTheRainbow!

I'm pretty down on myself today. I'm just coming out of a Hypomanic episode and feel ashamed that my closest friend got caught up in it. She has her own problems and I've always tried very hard not to lean on her too much. Unfortunately I got caught up in my own manic head and couldn't see that she was struggling as well and needed some space. I was being incredibly needy and insecure. I feel like I completely lost my ability to empathise and let both of us down. My last message wasn't the greatest and I desperately want to make amends and apologise properly but without becoming self pitying. I'm really in a negative spin, I don't know whether to message now, leave it a few days or even a few weeks. My life skills are really poor and I find it very difficult to negotiate this sort of thing.

Sorry for a bit of a ramble, I'm really not in a great place right now

I had two detailed dreams last night! Yay! My dreams are not gone. One was an incredible sci fi action drama. The other much more like a Tennessee Williams play, very intense drama played out in my grandparents house. I could do without the play but the sci fi episode was thrilling and fun. So glad to have my dreams back.

The office called this morning to set up my procedure. They want me to do it tommorow afternoon but at another location. This location is one I'm not familiar with and its a lot bigger. But its after my therapy appointment so I can talk to her about my anxiety about it. Today I've just been tired and worn out despite sleeping fine last night. I know high hematricrit levels can cause fatiuge. I went to Walmart and got a couple compression shirts since they work good for anxiety and people with autisim. I've used them before but I haven't tried them since I had my surgery. My weighted vest is amazing but its not something I can easily wear outside my house even though it fits over my hoodies. But it sure does help with my anxiety. Anyways today I'm just kinda worn out physically but after taking the cut up valium for a couple days I now have enough to get through until the 7th. So I can go back to my regular amount and hopefully tommorow won't be too big of a deal.

And that email advertistment about Kate Spade is disgusting. How in the world did that get past anyone in marketing or advertising or any other position at Ulta without being caught.

Quick & Cute video of Bean (I hope it works I haven't uploaded a video to youtube in 10 years): Meow - YouTube

I'm doing alright. Got my valproic acid level done today. I hope they don't have to change my depakote dose because it's working pretty well. I haven't been manic since I got out of the hospital in February and I haven't been anything more than mildly depressed since last year.

I'm back at my mom's. I picked up my car from the shop yesterday. Feels good to have that bit of freedom back.

Aww bean is a cutesy fellow.

I feel hopeless and defeated. I had a friend speak to me in a brutally honest fashion about my situation. I don’t know that I can handle that right now.

Psychiatrist appointment went well. Just picked up my prescriptions so my forced interactions for the month are over, lol. Despite some blips and situational issues that naturally bring about a lower mood, I've been doing quite well and I have to remember that. I'll spend the rest of the day finding something fun to do to pass the time. I went for my daily walk already, it was quite nice out at 75 degrees with a strong breeze to keep it from feeling ungodly with the mugginess in the air. We're expecting storms tonight.

I feel crappy but I (kind of) shared in group so that’s why.

I have decided to journal every day when I take my night meds just to put some thoughts on paper. My brain is mush. My thoughts were racing like crazy for the past two weeks and now it’s just full stop. Nothing there. The switch, man. It’s terrible.

I’m also totally checked out today so I don’t think that helps. I’m really trying here.

I feel so depressed. I made it into work early so I can psych myself up. This was very difficult. I do not know how I am going to get through the day. I also have been coughing incessantly. This may not go well with the customers.

I dunno if this is Peri menopause or just the fact that I sometimes wake up hot but today I woke up hot and continued to feel hot after I had washed my face etc. I opened the balcony door and put a fan on blowing the cool air in. It was 40 degrees out and raining. Well after several hours of that, I closed the door. The thermostat read 65 degrees. I turned the heat on and set it to 70. When it finally turned off it registered 72 degrees. So that's where I am now. I've had a sweatshirt and shorts on all day. What's up with the running hot and cold? I even filled up my hot water bottle to warm up.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Soupe du jour @*Beth* and @wildflowerchild25, I am like Wild in that I don't like manicures or pedicures, but for likely different reasons. I hate anyone touching my feet (incl. Hubby) and don't find mine attractive enough for such treatment. As for manicures, I don't mind them that much, but don't like nail polish and they always insist on using it on me. Then where I used to go they always wanted to give a quick shoulder rub afterwards, which I never like from strangers. Oddly, the only treatments I like are facials. Whenever we go some place that offers spa treatments, I only want a facial. One I received at a health spa some months back was especially good and thorough. The technician even semi-permanently colored my eyelashes, which are normally short and too fair colored. Too bad she works all the way in northern Czech Republic.

So many people are uncomfortable with manicures and/or pedicures. I don't think it's unusual, at all. I love having body work of all kinds. I have many tattoos (artistic ones), including my hands and some fingers. I have a few piercings. I love having a mani, but I don't like that gel polish - and certainly fake nails - destroys my own nails. BUT fake nails do prevent me from tearing at my cuticles. I could have a pedi every day, lol. The Vietnamese women give incredible leg and foot massages. I think it's so healthy to get the blood flowing.

I Am shy and anxious during the procedures, though...I just practice breathing. And it helps that the tech usually speaks little or no English. No small talk is fine with me.


I would LOVE to have a facial! Unfortunately I have miserably sensitive skin on my face and can barely tolerate anything on it. My sweet and wonderful uncle once gave me a gift for a spa treatment including a facial. OMG, I thought my skin was going to burn right off. So I've never had another one. Bad genetics and way too much sun exposure. I don't have wrinkles, though.

When I was younger and had more money I'd get massages. But they're so expensive now, it's impossible to afford one.

Speaking of body modification - I'm going to color my hair right now It's grown out completely white and looks nice so I have to wonder why I'm going to fuss with it I'm putting a very high-lift neutral blonde on it, then I can use purple shampoos and conditioners to get a real platinum. IF all goes as planned, that is...