Bipolar check-in # 66

Thank you everyone!

How do your families feel about your symptoms?


After my mom saw overt psychosis for the first time she knew her first reaction was to be embarrassed and the 2nd was to tease me. My pdoc pointed out gently that this isn't really a good, supportive response.


Today I was laughing about something I did while manic once (I had a manic summer at camp before I was diagnosed) and she asked if anyone knew I was manic in this tone that said people knowing isn't really ok with her.

I'm relatively open about it. I mention it on facebook sometimes so people who want to know do. I am not uncomfortable about it but she's making me feel I should be. I know that is not the solution and that I have nothing to be embarrassed about, but I'm sort of confused by the horror that other people might see something that is just something i live with.

I am also surprised that I've managed to hide so much from my mom when we live feet apart and are together pretty much daily. I try to not let her see things but I didn't know I was as successful as I apparently am.

How do your families feel about your symptoms? I'm the level headed one in my family. I implode, and private, where everyone else in my family explodes and are very vocal about their problems. So my symptoms are ignored/overlooked. Even when I'm psychotic I'm able to logic my way to be quiet about it. They don't want me on meds, none of them, they've even done interventions, stole my meds, said I go to pill pushers. And medicating my child was horrible and I was horrible person for medicating him.

So I went to see Miguel today. I have to get a phone that works where he's staying. I floated the idea of coming home. I think he wants to come home but is worried about disappointing people. He's still having major issues. Him and his dad got into an argument over $17/month phone service. I'm of the mind anything that helps alleviate some stress for him is worth it. I'll pay his rent and phone until we figure out what to do.

Apologies for the length, this has just been a screwy time in my life and writing it out helps make sense of it all.

So, this has been a fun weekend. My job interview didn't pan out, courtesy of the Enneagram. First two interviews, fantastic! After I took that personality test... "Thank you for your interest, but..." They're fun (Enneagram, MBTI etc), but I fail to see how they would be any use in a dynamic real world scenario. Apparently, that's just me.

I went ahead and scheduled a neurology appointment despite my lack of funding (A neurologist being the specialist I want to see the most.). With the appointment scheduled, I'll have waited six months to see them. If I wait for funding approval, it could be a full year. Added fun: If I don't get funding by appointment day, I could very well be on the hook for $1000 because I'll likely need imaging given the nature of the problem.

Finally, an issue that is genuinely my fault, but the city decided to take to 11. I had some financial obligations to the city that I needed to address. I had planned to address it before tax day (sometime in March). I lost my job at the end of January and thing have been sideways from there (just started sharing alot of mental space). The amount owed, by the way, is $175. So, I basically get served with papers that say pay up by the end of the month or we'll sell your house. $175. It goes without saying that I can see the city and the bank (who will likely buy the property) salivating with dollar signs in their eyes, so I'm in a mood to shut this down quick. My problem is I don't have the $175 to spare, what with no employment or healthcare and benefits (if any) WAY down the line.

So, I go to my parents, who are close by and have the ability to help (particularly my dad). My dad, however, is the king of "what about" and was in rare form today. I told them my troubles and he decided to spend five minutes telling me how to clean my living room and how he would spot me money for cleaning supplies. I really hope the man just didn't hear me, because if he did, he responded to "Dad, I'm in trouble and need some help." with (in effect) "Well, better clean up for the new owners."

There's still a possibility of help from him. I'll ask again on Monday, but I'm reminded every day why I didn't want to come back to this town. (A very long story.)

Out of the blue, my husband came down with some horrible respiratory distress, so we're heading home from my s-i-l's house. We were supposed to attend a concert tonight with our nephew and another nephew's partner. Out of caution, I'm currently wearing a mask (I'm in the car). He's driving. When we reach home he'll take an at home covid test, just in case. Dang, I hope he doesn't have covid! We'd have to postpone our trip (flight on Thursday), if he does. I knew this concert so soon before was a bad idea! As for me, at this time I feel fine. Obviously if what he has is contagious I may be affected, too. I sure hope no one else is.

@Aurelius710, I hope you get to see that neurologist sooner than later and with coverage. I'm sorry your dad is being stubborn about the $175. Is there anything you could sell to make a touxh of money? Something you can part with? Maybe if you can reduce the amount you need to borrow your dad will be easier about it.

@Blue_Bird, Happy Birthday!

******RAIN!******

Oh dear! I hope it’s not COVID as well. I hope he starts feeling better soon and that you have not caught whatever it is. Fingers crossed.

Happy belated birthday Blue_Bird! I hope you had a wonderful day!

It’s 5 here and I’ve been up since 3. I could have used the sleep. I guess it’s to be expected. There’s so much to do this morning and I don’t have the motivation for it. I’m going to slip off to the pool at 7:30 for some peace of mind before the fun starts. We have to be there at 11 for family visitation then visitation is 12-2, the service is at 2 then folks are coming to the house. I’m an introvert who will be grieving. That’s just a bit much for me. I’ll get through it somehow. Probably pure adrenaline.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Hugs to all.

I'm glad you will start this hard day at your pool, Jennifer.

I'm an introvert in many ways, too. Nothing says you can't slip out the door for 10 minutes here and there to escape during the visitations. Ditto at the after service reception.

Hugs

After we got home, Hubby took an at home covid test and it showed negative. We'll go with that for now. Regardless, he's in bed sleeping at 1 pm and wouldn't eat more than a yogurt for lunch, and in bed. I had reheated a frozen taco soup and made freshly fried tortillas for the two of us. My own nerves led me to eat all of the latter.

Hopefully Hubby will recover in a day or two. I asked him if he is psychologically up for the big trip. He said yes. I suppose I am, and yet I feel slightly numb. Last night, I had a talk about Hubby, and myself, with my husband's nephew. Hubby was already in bed at that time. I feel I may have said too much and too personal of things, but what's said is said. Perhaps I needed to get it out to someone other than my therapist. However, that nephew has a history of gossiping/talking behind backs, sometimes in critical ways. Oh well! I'll have to just trust that he cares enough to treat my opening up with respect. If not, it's my mistake. I think a trigger voiced by another nephew (brother of one I mentioned) is what made me open up so much. I needed a release.

Australia. We only have 6 states and 2 territories but apparently we are the “largest island and smallest continent” in the world. I know they’ve done maps where they’ve fit tonnes of other countries into ours from Europe and other places… we don’t have many people but we’re not a small country.

Edit I just found that Australia is approximately 7,741,220 sq km and the US is approximately 9,833,517 sq km but you have 307.2million more people living there. I can’t imagine that many people! Sorry going off on a tangent here I just find it interesting.

My stomach was hurting so badly last night. I didn't take my full dose of melatonin because I felt like I couldnt deal it. Therefore I only got 4 hours of sleep. I woke up at 11:30. My stomach was ok but my anxiety was rough. I dozed during a 5 minute song around 4AM but woke up in that 5 minutes because I had a nightmare where I was at my biopsy and they had to do a spinal tap before and they wouldn't numb me. So I guess I'm just super nervous about the biopsy. Also I feel like my insurance is acting odd. Like doing phone calls and home visits and sending me to different hospitals. My mom claims this is just normal routine stuff and they do this with everyone with every type of insurance. Its just making me nervous. My stomach feels decent as long as I don't eat. I did eat some gluten free ramen for breakfast. With this lack of sleep and all this stress and anxiety over the biopsy and insurance issues plus just being told I'm at a high risk in general is it really out of the question I'l have a heart attack in the next few months?

Thanks! Fingers crossed and all that jazz on the neurologist.

There's a few things I could sell (old clothes, books, movies, knickknacks), but making them add up is going to be the big question. My only possibly viable option (an old video game system) COULD net me almost the whole total ($170). It could also net me $20. Quite the range from the buyer. I'll still look into it, and well, "Hope for the best, plan for the worst." Hopefully, the best will pan out!

Thank you for the birthday wishes everyone, I had a great day

Later today I'm going to the movie theater with my friend to see Doctor Strange in the Multiverse of Madness. Looking forward to getting out for a few hours.

Mustachio's appointment to be spayed is on the 16th, can't wait till it's over with

I hope everyone has a good peaceful Sunday

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My mom says I'm getting myself worked up. She says I'm creating the insurance issue. Its something I'm making up and theres nothing wrong or going on with it. I know I should believe her because she dealt with insurance companies my whole life since my family was always getting sick or injured since before I was born. Thats the reason money was tight when I was growing up. So she knows what shes talking about when she talks about insurance companies.She told me to just breathe and try distracting myself. My Taco Bell is still not out of the pizzas and that and mashed potatos have been my food staple this weekend. So my mom got us each a pizza for lunch along with some packets of instant mashed potatos for me from the grocery store. I ate and took an advil and a valium yet I still feel goofy so I don't know. Maybe I need a nap, or its just going to be tough until Friday and I'll have to accept it.

You could give it a try. You never know. Sometimes you'd be surprised what people want to buy. Sorry I had to suggest selling stuff, but parting with a few things (not really beloved stuff, of course) is better than losing your house.

Blue bird 🐦 HAPPY BIRTHDAY 🎂🎁🎈🎉🎊

If you are interested there is the community fund drive thing on here. It would get you enough to save your house.

Community Fund Drive - General Information

Agreed. It's just hard not be pessimistic after jumping so many hurdles and finding so many more to go. I'm nothing if not stubborn, but even that starts to find its limit. Optimism. Optimism.
I'll check it out. Every little bit helps, for sure!

I spent the afternoon napping. I took such a deep almost 3 hour nap. I had another biopsy nightmare. This time I was being prepped for it with a bunch of people telling me don't focus on the pain. Yet they werent telling me what the test was going to look like. Finally once we got there I saw a bunch of lab and test tubes and some surgery tools and I noped right out. When I woke up from the nap I was so confused and disoriented the only things I could think of was "biopsy. Friday." And Robin Williams going "what year is it?" From the movie Jumanji. I had to look at my phone to see it was Sunday, and it still took a bit for me to wake up. It was past the time I was supposed to take my meds so I was anxious but at least not tired anymore although by now I've also taken my melatonin. So I probably should have set an alarm to begin with instead of sleeping that long. I slept deeply through my brothers OCD rituals, the loud washer and dryer, and my mom deep cleaning the bathroom. All with my door open too.

I hope that your husband doesn't have covid and that nobody else catches whatever he does have.

Edit: Great news that your husband is negative for covid!