Bipolar check-in # 66

My hematarcrit level came back normal. Which is a relief. Its on the lower end of normal. Normal is between like 40 and 47 or something and mine was right at 40. But at least its normal now. Before it was 49. Something and my doctor was super worried. My doctors need to talk and get me on a regular phelebotomy schedule so the level can stay steady. I slept decently last night. I woke up at 11 and got the results and ate some Lucky Charms and then fell back asleep until 3:30. Today my stomach is off again and my anxiety is high. The anxiety I assume is about tommorow. I just got my weekly shot half an hour ago so I'm hoping that settles my anxiety and doesn't make me feel super ER type nauseated the way it did the last 2 times. The biopsy is at 10:30 and I have to be at the hospital at 10. I think. I think total it takes like an hour and the needle part is only 5 minutes. I can't eat after midnight though so I'll need to eat something around 11PM. Currently I still feel kinda crappy anxiety wise.

I only had an organic burrito to eat today but then I had a Dr. Pepper and a couple bottles of water with some of that Mio and Kool Aid flavoring stuff you squirt into it. Then I got 2 large Diet Cokes with cream from Sonic and as Robin Williams from Mrs. Doutbfire would say "I've been pissing like a racehorse." All morning, but I'm still not in the mood for food. Its just anxiety at this moment. I'd rather have loss of appetite then the other way around.

My mom said we need to get to the hospital at 10 and the procedure is at 10:30 and it will take 15 minutes and then I'll be in observation for about 15 minutes. So according to just that it doesn't sound bad. I hope I really am just worrying for nothing.

Edit: it seems my weekly shot seems to be calming my anxiety and nerves a bit. I know I do often feel better after getting it. I wanted it last night in case I got the bad nausea but my mom told me to wait until the morning.

Edit again: I don't know why I expected to be going to the day surgery part of the hospital. But I guess I'm going to the ultrasound part. Which makes me feel better. Hopefully the ultrasound part is like a waiting room unlike day surgery. If I only have to be there half an hour before the appointment, I'm guessing they don't have to make too big of a fuss getting me ready.

We’ll car news!! It’s not good. The part came yesterday and they worked until 11pm. Finally they called Ford, which admitted those parts are defective. There’s more coming but they are delayed by the chain supply problems. So they are going to find a loaner car which is also hard to do because there is a shortage of cars too. We can’t take it out of town though. So I hope my part comes before the 28th. My granddaughter’s birthday 🎂 is then.

Send hopes your way! May everything be OK with the care before your daughter's birthday.

I have read some of the 12 step stuff and felt OK with that. I know from before that I am some sort of helpless with my disease, but I also know that taking my meds, eat healthy, do some physical exercises, repeat healthy techniques especially made for me only, and more, is very much needed in my daily life to live as well as possible. The steps, however, help me to be more aware of my spiritual needs.

I have done work in the house and after that went out for dinner. For now I am going to try to print out my tickets. If that process fails I need to take my PC to the library and hear if they can print it out there tomorrow

For tomorrow: (Library if necessary). Go for a shopping round for some new clothes for my trip to the Mediterranean Sea. I must also remember to buy a birthday present to a grown up child of mine.

I am going to relax with Netflix for the rest of the evening and then go to bed. Remeron helps me with my sleep.

I wish each one of you a good afternoon and when the time comes at your place, a good night with the sleep you feel you need!

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Originally Posted by otroo I love my inlaws my mother inlaw is a little odd. Anyways they had a headstone made up and put on their cemetery plot. We go over with her to see it for the first time. We are standing there looking at it and my kid goes I wonder if they are related. I looked over and the spot right behind us had the same last name as us. Most put a N in their last name so to see one without the N is rare lol. Well something caught my eye the people that made it put the N in it. I laughed so hard I have gone most my life with people spelling it wrong. My dad was in the Airforce for 30 years and 30 years later they still spell it wrong lol. We are lucky we had proof sheets showing it spelled correctly. I hope it does not take another 6 months. I actually found it funny. Sent from my SM-T733 using Tapatalk

There are so many dimensions to grief and loss. When humor is one of them it's a true blessing

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Originally Posted by Soupe du jour Thanks for this recommendation, Beth. I looked and Amazon.de (based in Germany) also sells it for shipment to Czech Republic. I think the price isn't that steep. The hair mask I bought last week is some ultra fancy and expensive French product and may only last for an additional three to four treatments. I will say it did my hair some good. I left it in for about four hours. No sense leaving it in far less time. ‐‐-------------------------------------------------------- Airlines are limiting luggage sizes and weights so much that someday the carryons will need to be as small as a wallet. We kept having to remove more and more to not exceed the weight requirements. Of course I removed most, even though I always have far less than Hubby to begin with. All I need to do before we set out are a few last minute house chores. A friend will be coming to our house in our absence to water indoor and likely also outdoor plants, since it rains infrequently here. We didn't buy a single plant/flower from the garden center this year. Seemed nonsensical since we'll be away so long and just don't want to spend that money. We do have some perennial flowers, shrubs, and herbs, though. We'll leave the place with overgrown grass and weeds. Oh well! When we return we'll do some sprucing up before our American friends visit in July.

I don't think the prices for Olaplex are that steep, either. Especially considering what you'd pay for Olaplex treatments in a salon!

I'm curious - what's the name of the French hair mask?

Ugh, I hear you on the luggage sizes/weights. The last time I traveled to Europe I had one Osprey shoulder bag and I filled it so minimally it easily fit in the overhead.

Have a pleasant, smooth, and enjoyable journey! Can't wait to hear from you while you're in France!

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Originally Posted by GoGo2 The real problem is that she refuses to send you to another T. Even if you have a MI, you are still a free person with the right to choose another therapist.

I agree. Mary should have referred me to, for example, Dr. B. (her colleague) 2 years ago when she couldn't stop being absent. I think she finds me interesting and enjoys working with me. I truly don't believe she wanted to "give me" to another therapist. But that is another example of her selfishness.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird There was a fire in the building next to ours. We all had to evacuate at 3am and just were allowed to come back inside at 4:30am. Whole street is blocked off and filled with fire trucks etc. I can smell the smoke in my apartment even an hour and a half after the fire started, and with my windows closed I guess there was concern that it could catch our building on fire because it’s so close I was so worried about my cats. I’m glad our building is okay. Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Oh, good God. That had to be so scary, especially with your cats! I am glad you and the kits are okay

I always wonder what happens, in such a situation, if someone refuses to leave their apartment? Do they force people to go?

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Originally Posted by GoGo2 Hi you kind and good people, I will try to come into the forum from time to time. It is too much to read for me on daily basis (please remember that English/American is not my first language), but I'll try to come now and then. The last days have not been good. I had a therapy session yesterday and that helped. Today I have to prioritize work in the home, - start with the filling of the dishwasher. I have felt too much down to do that the last days. I found a page called 'Depressed Anonymous'. I think the 12 step program would make structure to my days. Unfortunately they do not have chats (writing) available and the Zoom meetings were not for Europe in general (only for Ukraine and Russia - I can understand that - but I am sorry that I could not find a general European line. The idea of using the steps felt good, so I bought a 12 step Bible for kindle or kindle cloud. I hope that using that special Bible every day will help me to not become so deeply depressed, but that I will able to do my daily household cores and remember to do gymnastics, eat healthy and in general do what I can to not let my depression drag me deeper down then necessary. Next week I am going to the Mediterranean Sea for one week on vacation. I did understand that I needed something to look forward to. We will stay in touch (now and then)! Hugs and hopes to everyone here!

Oh, I hope the holiday will be beneficial for you. The Mediterranean is just so lovely, the color of it...amazing.

Which country are you in?

I hope the 12-step Bible is very helpful for you. Please, do check in when you can. I understand about the language. You don't have to read everything, just let us know how you are.

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Originally Posted by Nammu We’ll car news!! It’s not good. The part came yesterday and they worked until 11pm. Finally they called Ford, which admitted those parts are defective. There’s more coming but they are delayed by the chain supply problems. So they are going to find a loaner car which is also hard to do because there is a shortage of cars too. We can’t take it out of town though. So I hope my part comes before the 28th. My granddaughter’s birthday 🎂 is then.

Ohhh, I'm so sorry that the car repair is turning out to be this difficult. This supply chain thing is a beast.

If your Ford is not ready by the end of June is it possible for you to rent a car to visit your granddaughter?

A few years ago I had to rent a car, can't recall the details, but what I do recall is that the only car they had available in this little town was a hulking SUV. I'm serious - I have never seen such a large SUV. Huge and bright white. I took one look and started laughing. I love to drive, though, so driving that thing was quite an adventure.

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Originally Posted by Mountaindewed My hematarcrit level came back normal. Which is a relief. ....

Md, that is outstanding news!

It does sound like the procedure tomorrow will be quite straightforward.

I've been taking 25mg of Seroquel to sleep and I sleep very well. Of course, I want to keep sleeping, which is so darn annoying. But 12.5mg doesn't do anything. I'm not taking the Seroquel every night, though. I find that on some nights the hangover effect is so strong that I can sleep the next night, too.

As for Mary - I'm determined to move through this rapidly. You know, the first long-term therapist I had, we had a terrific relationship and he had his act together very well. This was through the Veteran's Admin. I was in therapy with him for 6 years and really did hard work that paid off well. I've mentioned this here before...he had to suddenly, with only 24 hour notice, leave his location because he got stationed somewhere else. The last session I had with him was that he was leaving immediately. And that was how my therapy ended. It was devastating.

I didn't see another one-on-one T for 26 years, until I started therapy with Mary. Apparently, my track record with ending therapy is less than fabulous. I know I need a therapist. I am tempted to call today and make an appointment. But then I think...should I? Maybe not. Both times, long-term therapy wound up with me being badly burned and traumatized. I'm asking myself what I really want from therapy, and is it worth all the stress that therapy dumps in my lap?

Anyway, whatever direction this takes I am willing myself to get Mary out of my mind, in the past, and move on.

So kids, it's going to be freaking 101 degrees today and 106 tomorrow. David was going to go golfing with his older brother and their nephews, but his brother cancelled because of the heat (his bro is 83). David is disappointed, though, he loves really hot weather.

Low of only 70 tonight, my bedroom is going to be HOT. A/c and fans. Cats that are puddles.


"...Don't let the sound of your own wheels drive you crazy.
Lighten up while you still can, don't even try to understand,
Just find a place to make your stand and take it easy."

Thanks

There were some that were just not leaving their apartment despite the fire alarm going off even after like the first 30 minutes, the building security ended up having to go around and make some people leave because otherwise they wouldn't come out. Eventually they got everyone out

Yes the 12 step Bible is helpful. I will visit Turkey (think the right spelling nowadays is Turkiet, so they said at the news). It can be a little to hot there, but I am staying at an hotel with air conditioning and a swimming pool, so if it becomes too hot, I can stay at the hotel, read a book, take swim now and then and enjoy wonderful food in between. Turkiet has the third best kichen in the world.

I will not leave before in the middle of next week. Have butterflies in my stomach already.

There’s no car rentals in my town. No mass transit. There is a small outfit that does medical appointments. That’s probably because this town is mostly senior citizens. When I lived in Austin tx I did often rent from enterprise, when I had to go out of town. My car was a boat and not too trustworthy. They come pick you up, plus I do do all the booking online. I usually asked for the smallest car available but often got bumped up to midsize sedans. Thankfully I never had anything larger. I got quite pampered by them. It wasn’t much to rent a car and I could use it to run a maze of errands for for the day. The nearest rental agency is 60 miles away. Plus I read that car rentals have gone way up in price too, and are affected by the car shortage.

Sleep is very important for the total wellbeing! Hope your med provider will put you on a doze that works for you.

I had a therapist once that mixed friendship and therapy. I used years to come over it. Later on something really terrible happened to me. I tried without therapy, but one day I almost stumbled over the person who had hurt me and the need for a therapist came. I was lucky to find a serious one. Of course we had to repeat some of the stuff I had worked on in former therapy, but we tried to keep the focus on the terrible experience from newer time. That worked very well for me. For now I can contact the therapist for sessions if needed. That works fine, but I try to not need it to much.

I think the best you can do is to take your time to weigh for and against therapy. May be you already have been through enough psychological work? If you feel so, may be you don't need a therapist now. (I did therapy with myself after the friend/therapist mix. I sat in a chair and told myself how much I had suffered. So I moved to another chair and played a therapist. I was listening, caring and warm. I was my own therapist and it worked. I wrote everything down in a book, so I could go back and repeat if needed.

I don't think I would have contacted a new therapist if it was not for the hurt that became unbearable after the later new trauma.

I wish you good luck with thinking all this through. What do you want to work through that you haven't worked through already? Can you be helped by a self-help book? If you feel that you really need therapy, go for it (with a new therapist).

Best wishes!

I ran into the friend who invited me over for sometime this weekend. We were at Starbucks and I was just leaving. She asked if I could stay a bit so we ended up sitting outside. We had a nice chat. She wants me to come over for hamburgers at some point this weekend! I hadn't seen her in months and months because she is in school to be an occupational therapist. Now that's not true anymore- she just wants any master's degree so she's taking credits to get whatever master's she can get. Anyway, I need to decide when we are getting together.

The loaner came! It’s an old one. But small enough for me. It’s so old it’s manual and has bench seats. I’m not sure it has AC even! I forgot to check.

The way I ended my last long term therapy wasn’t too good. I’d had back surgery and wasn’t allowed to drive. I was supposed to use this transportation service and I had it all arranged but they stopped allowing cash and only accepted tickets. I didn’t know that so they refused to take me to my appointment and with my back the thought of having to ride somewhere just to buy the tickets and come home was too much. So I canceled everything. Then I slid into a year and a half depression where I didn’t leave my apartment. Didn’t pick up the phone or answer emails. When I surfaced I called but she no longer accepted my insurance. She referred me to someone else though but I just didn’t go. At some point I realized I didn’t need it anyway.

Just need to share...

Its been 15 years this September since my dad passed suddenly from a heart attack. His grave has been unmarked this whole time. Not becasue we didnt want to but because legally we arent allowed to. My selfish, abusive stepmother ***** paid for the plot when he died so legally she wont let us put one there andshe refuses to place a stone. Its sooooo hard taking flowers to an unmarked grave. Ive even seen people drive over it before. I have been saying for YEARS that we should take one of the plots around him and place a stone there and by law she cannot remove it. No one listens to me though. Now my sister seems to think its the right idea and shes all about it. anyway, we deisgned it and theyre gonna get back with us. my granny is gonna help pay for it. he was her son. its gonna be beautiful!

he will have a headstone by fall. the 15th year anniversary. i dont think anyone should have to have an unmarked grave.

my soul is content finally.

I’m so incredibly tired today. It’s not as hot today as yesterday thank goodness.

I’m really stuck in my head these days ?!?!? Dunno why.

Hope everyone is doing okay !

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

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Originally Posted by GoGo2 Sleep is very important for the total wellbeing! Hope your med provider will put you on a doze that works for you. Thank you. Yes, I'm too sedated today. I had a therapist once that mixed friendship and therapy. I used years to come over it. Later on something really terrible happened to me. I tried without therapy, but one day I almost stumbled over the person who had hurt me and the need for a therapist came. I was lucky to find a serious one. Of course we had to repeat some of the stuff I had worked on in former therapy, but we tried to keep the focus on the terrible experience from newer time. That worked very well for me. For now I can contact the therapist for sessions if needed. That works fine, but I try to not need it to much. "Mixed friendship with therapy"...exactly. During our first session Mary commented, "If you weren't my client I'd have you for a friend." Of course, I was flattered. But more so, I thought the comment was an odd one. It seemed like she was fascinated with me and my life story. At that moment I would have done well to reconsider therapy with her. I'm sorry you experienced that type of wrong therapy. I think the best you can do is to take your time to weigh for and against therapy. May be you already have been through enough psychological work? If you feel so, may be you don't need a therapist now. (I did therapy with myself after the friend/therapist mix. I sat in a chair and told myself how much I had suffered. So I moved to another chair and played a therapist. I was listening, caring and warm. I was my own therapist and it worked. I wrote everything down in a book, so I could go back and repeat if needed. I love your idea, to be your own therapist. Very smart. I don't think I would have contacted a new therapist if it was not for the hurt that became unbearable after the later new trauma. Yes, I understand. I wish you good luck with thinking all this through. What do you want to work through that you haven't worked through already? Can you be helped by a self-help book? If you feel that you really need therapy, go for it (with a new therapist). You ask excellent questions. I would like to work through the trauma I grew up with. I have been attempting to do so for decades, but have never found a competent therapist. Even when I paid quite a bit, many years ago, the therapist was a disappointment. I have a book to work through. Yesterday, I was afraid of looking at it. Today, I feel much less afraid. Tomorrow I will probably open it Best wishes!

Thank you very much, GoGo2

Hey y'all. Man I don't even know if the people I used to update are still around these parts anyway I figured you guys might appreciate a little life update. I get married in 9 days! Covid made me reschedule the wedding a few times. I am so excited to get married and then enjoy the honeymoon.

I also graduated with my MBA and MHA in May. So much has happened since I last checked in. Life has just been insane anymore for the both of us. I hope you all are doing well I just wanted to give you a short update on things.

Congratulations SeaCat! So glad things are going well for you.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 I ran into the friend who invited me over for sometime this weekend. We were at Starbucks and I was just leaving. She asked if I could stay a bit so we ended up sitting outside. We had a nice chat. She wants me to come over for hamburgers at some point this weekend! I hadn't seen her in months and months because she is in school to be an occupational therapist. Now that's not true anymore- she just wants any master's degree so she's taking credits to get whatever master's she can get. Anyway, I need to decide when we are getting together.

That sounds fun! It's wonderful, and I admire, how extroverted you are. My N2, Noah, is like that.

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Originally Posted by TheSeaCat Hey y'all. Man I don't even know if the people I used to update are still around these parts anyway I figured you guys might appreciate a little life update. I get married in 9 days! Covid made me reschedule the wedding a few times. I am so excited to get married and then enjoy the honeymoon. I also graduated with my MBA and MHA in May. So much has happened since I last checked in. Life has just been insane anymore for the both of us. I hope you all are doing well I just wanted to give you a short update on things.

~*~Congratulations all over!~*~

What are your wedding colors?