Bipolar check-in # 66

Greetings from Bordeaux, France! I haven't felt ready to check in for myself because I've been waiting to get more of an impression of the place.

Bordeaux city center has beautiful and old architecture and certainly fits the bill as romantic in its base appearance. Also, the many shops are filled with especially beautiful things (clothing, knicknacks, etc.) with likely the most tempting pastry and bread shops in the world. Restaurants are everywhere in the city and of course the wines are excellent. However, traffic here seems like hell with jams, detours, and some aggressive drivers. Some historic areas have crowds of people with bicyclists and motor scooters in near collisions with pedestrians. Even in the suburbs.

It's way too hot outside here for my taste, with most businesses and houses not having airconditioning, unlike in the US. Czech businesses often don't either, but CZ is cooler, on the whole. The suburbs we've seen are kinda ugly. The countryside further afield we've seen has been attractive, but without any other major strongpoints to lure us...yet. Today we'll see more further afield places outside Bordeaux, but in another area.

I'll look forward to heading more north. In Bretagne, it should be cooler, with perhaps some rain. Rain is very common up there. That might bother Hubby more than me. The traffic should also be a bit less extreme. I want to also have more access to nature. Without bird sounds, I would not be happy.

After Hubby doing most all of the talking in Czech Republic for over a year, I find myself speaking more French here than him, even though our French is comparable. Traveling with him is always an exercise in tolerance, as he has some strange ways that can drive me nuts and being too close to them exacerbates the situation. However, he does all of the driving, so I must keep my mouth shut, for the most part.

Sir is an odd cat, hence his name! Sir Lawrence knight of the crescent 🌙 moon. He’s very laid back and always waits for permission to jump up on your lap. Very English that way. 😂 really it is odd how he likes scents.

A heavy sad feeling this morning! My life has gone downward since the moment I understood that I did not have many friends here at the new place. Will a week at the Mediterranean Sea Coast help? What when I come home again? I need to fight, but I have been fighting for years and years and years. Something inside me says that even if it is so, I have to continue this fight. As long as I there is breath in me, I'm obliged to fight. Who says so? God, I think. There is some sort of help in being a believer. I will fight! As this statement comes, the heaviness is not so heavy anymore. May be it's the "living one day at the time" from the 12 steps ...

I have been doing the wrong thing and google searching my GI symptoms. Very bad, don’t do it. I’ve gotten myself sufficiently freaked out, and now it’s hard to tell which symptoms are real and what I’m manifesting. I just have to wait for the results of whatever GI tests need to be done. I’ve always been an anxious person and think to myself what’s the worst outcome possible and what would I do if it came to fruition. It’s just one time I did that, it came true. So I still have no faith that the worst COULDN’T happen. But I know all I can do is stop worrying until I get results and worry then if need be.

I’ve been more active since I got my watch. And I must say, walking more often really has helped my back. I’m no longer in pain when I wake up. Just a bit of tightness that stretches out pretty quick. I must change my diet to as low fat as possible, I just get so much discomfort when I eat high fat, processed meals. I want to get healthier. For as many years, decades even, that I’ve been passively and aggressively suicidal I really don’t want to die. When it comes down to it, I want to be there for my son. He’s always been my reason for living and now that I’m getting to the root of my mental health issues I must clear up the physical issues as best I can.

Now that I’m off the vraylar and pretty much over the half-life of the long acting drug my mind is MUCH clearer. It’s so hard to believe how bad that med was for me, how a lot of the physical and mental symptoms I was having were related to it. I’m able to read whole books! I’ve always been a voracious reader but it fell away. I found a couple at a yard sale and they were unexpectedly excellent. The one I really thought would be corny but I related to the main character very much. I was thinking about how to get more, cheaply, and though I could go to the library I’m very bad at returning books on time. The librarians end up not liking me. BUT I remembered a secondhand bookstore that I used to go to with my mom as a child and it is indeed still open! I don’t know how cheap the books are these days but still much cheaper than new books I’m sure. And I probably will venture to the county library. If I read book reviews I can go in with a list. I have a hard time just browsing in libraries. But it sounds like a good way to fill my time this summer.

Here they’ve (the library) have made it easy to return books or re-new them. They send me an email three days before they’re due. So if I’m not done I can just go online and with a click re-new them. They also eliminated the fines. But if you don’t return them within two weeks they charge you the price of the books. I’ve never had. That happen though. I’ve never known librarians to be mean about not being on time.

Heh heh, London calling! My guy is all blue too, except for a crescent moon on his tummy. I know in England they usually have indoor/outdoor cats but my guy avoids doors that lead outside. When you open them he moves away from them. Which is weird since he was in the shelter for his forth time when I met him. His notes say he was catching birds and was turned in by a bird lover, who was pretty angry. The shelter usually waved fees the first time a pet comes in but raises the fees each time. Plus they neutered him this last time too. The owners gave him up because they couldn’t afford it. He has the most awesome personality. But I can’t figure it out what was he doing outside when he hates the outdoors? He was traumatized tho, when I first brought him home he stuck to me like a burr. He wouldn’t go out on the deck with me but would stand inside the door and paw the door wanting me to come back in. It’s been 12 years now and he’s greatly relaxed and trusts that I’m always coming back.

Hugs to everyone.

Going to be 99 and humid tomorrow

Yes! That’s why I always figured they didn’t like me. They were not nice at all. In fact when I used to take CR to the library they were still sour. I actually still have one of his books (we haven’t been there since 2017) so I guess they’re kind of right haha.

There’s an app now for my library system so I might do that, then maybe I’ll get reminders like you nammu. I get recommendations from Goodreads.