Bipolar check-in #67

Nope, still waiting on a part. I imagine it’s in Timbuktu and there’s no boats, trucks or trains to transport it. A shame too as there’s several free events going on in the towns around here this weekend. In our fitness classes the instructors are always encouraging people to get out and get involved. So they mention free or low cost events.

I took my first dose of my new pain/stomach med right before eating a hot dog and I seem to be feeling fairly calm physically. So hopefully this is the answer. My mom made her weekly Sams Club trip with my brother this afternoon and got me a box of hummus, a 10 pack of canned tuna, a 4 pound bag of apples, a bag of cotton candy grapes, a bag of candy snap grapes, and a summer kiss melon. The cotton candy grapes were $13 for the bag! I seem to be ok now regarding my therapy session. I just wish I could talk freely though about some things. She says its a safe place but then I seem like I'm coming off as an asshole when I voice my opinion.

I think my gastro doctor doesnt get things. I went to him because of stomach pain that was causing loss of appetite and weight loss. Its also highly likely I have some sort of restricting eating disorder. So he prescribes this med I take 4 times a day. I take the first dose and my appetite I've been controlling all day is suddenly gone. So I read the side effects and one of them is loss of appetite. Currently my pain is ok though and my anxiety is also really down. So I mean yeah the massive pain being gone is great but do I really want to drop a ton of weight when I don't need to lose any. Idk. Maybe I do.

My sister called again. Our dad is being mean to my sister and turning around and trying to call her by her childhood pet name and "make it up to" her. She told him off and he told her and his friend to leave. They can't do the heart catheterization until Monday and depending what it says a possible bipass. My mom thinks he might not be able to go back to his condo because the head of the condo association saw and took videos of the state his place was in. So he's being a big jerk. He made my sister cry and didn't even notice! Or care one bit if he did by some odd chance notice.

I probably don't even have bipolar disorder/sza. I'm just a useless ****ing junkie.

The steroids aren’t helping me so far. I’m trying to keep my chin up but it’s getting hard. I guess next week I’ll make an in office visit with my doctor and go for a chest X-ray. I have so much to do and I’m happier when I’m productive. I’ve rested and slept all day. Feeling down right now…probably because of that. I’m hoping I can get on my feet and get things done tomorrow. Fingers crossed.

My sister brought dinner by - pork chops, mashed potatoes and corn plus some necessities and cough drops. Much appreciated.

The forecast is for 6 days of rain starting tomorrow. Bummer. I’ve floated exactly 2 days in June. That’s not helping my peace of mind at all.

Oh well…things will start looking up. Hugs to all

You have an addiction but that doesn’t make you useless it means your life is harder. Before you can even address the MI diagnosis you need to be clean and that’s a hell of a thing to tackle. I’m very hopeful that the new team you are getting can help with that.

My daughter had a great team that helped her kick meth. It wasn’t until she was off that, that she was able to find a med to help with the mood swings. She tells me that even now 13 yrs later with a good life that there’s times when the drug life calls her. It’s irrational and seductive. I have nothing but compassion for you. But I won’t lie and say it’s easy to be in your shoes.

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I used opiates again. But with the klonopin I got shallow breathing and I thought I was going to die so I'm not going to do that again. I was afraid the police would read this and come after me.

I don't think the police would put themselves to that much trouble.

Many years ago I took too many K-pins and my breathing became difficult. I was very scared and it hit me like lightning that a lot of sui's really are accidental. You know, 1 pill that pushes the body over the edge or just 1 drink too many.

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Originally Posted by ~Christina My blood work was okay other than my Vitamin D is very low despite already taking a supplement. So my Doctor wants me to go triple dose my self up .. recheck in 2 months. Steve’s first night back on oxygen has helped. He has more ambition today. It’s so hot ( said in a massively whiny tone) Anyone have plans for the weekend ? I’m just looking forward to getting some rain Sunday ! Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I also showed up with low D on my blood labs last month. So I'm taking D, too.

No week-end plans except hiding out in the a/c. It is so freakin' hot (said in the same whiny voice).

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Originally Posted by Nammu Nope, still waiting on a part. I imagine it’s in Timbuktu and there’s no boats, trucks or trains to transport it. A shame too as there’s several free events going on in the towns around here this weekend. In our fitness classes the instructors are always encouraging people to get out and get involved. So they mention free or low cost events.

Wow, that's a long wait.

I'm getting kind of concerned. I am still extremely sedated. Driving to the clinic for my appt. with Dr. B. was not pleasant. I'm a very careful driver and I don't have a history of falling asleep while driving. But today my eyes kept closing and I was fighting to sit up and be awake.

During the session I was also fighting sleep. At one point I had my eyes open, but was dreaming at the same time. I keep dropping things because my coordination is off. Dr. B. said I need to use a kind of CBT technique to choose a different perspective about the stuff with Mary. I told him that I very much want to, but that the hurt and betrayal I'm feeling is monumental. Being flexible just is not happening, even though I want it to.

The heat is vicious.

MuddyBoots, substance abuse is very common in bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, and schizophrenia. It can be a way of self medication that usually backfires. If not in early periods, then later ones.

I have experienced horrible results from mixing alcohol and my meds. It's all a sensitive setup, for lack of a better way of saying it. Just as people shouldn't manipulate med doses without doctor supervision.

I took my new stomach med and passed out at 5:30 or so. I woke up at 7:30 and thought "wow did I sleep long and deeply." I took my second dose of my stomach med. I took my topamax. I weighed myself. I was annoyed at the number based on the time I was weighing myself. Then I noticed my mom was up early. I went to grab some grapes for breakfast. Then I asked her "why are you up so early?" And she said "Mountaindewed its "7:30 at night." I was so confused. She had a look of concern on her face but I could also tell she was trying not to laugh. I don't know if my new med made me confused or what. But anyways I got back to bed until 2:30AM which is more normal for me. My stomach isn't hurting although I do feel queasy but maybe just from so many grapes. I went through more then half of the $13 bag since last night so they wouldn't go bad. Or maybe I'm just anxious that America is going back 50 years.

Actually got a proper night's sleep! Fell asleep around 11 and woke up around 6:15-ish. Still have to see if it last, but for now, the weight of sleeplessness is off my chest! And eyelids!

Got a call back from another insurance company for an interview. Same job (roughly) and same pay! Both are remote, so I get to go on Zoom Monday and Tuesday.

My family? Well, my family is my family. Their reaction to me getting interviews with two companies promising $40,000 a year is to be shocked and dismayed that I'm not more concerned with getting a part-time baggage handler job promising $14.57 an hour. They want me to limit myself, and I think I know why. I'm not going to go into it because there's a lot of subtext, but I've got an idea. I will say this: It's sad that when I ask them for advice, I immediately do the exact opposite, and I'm better off for it.

Never did look into the unemployment paperwork last night. Seeing as I've got a lazy day ahead, I might as well!

I’ve gotta ask - why are you fat phobic? You’ve implied it a fair bit. You’re against people who are trans phobic…..

I wrestle with something similar in terms of wanting a job in the future, when I'm ready. I feel like my husband wants to limit me, yet I really wish I could be challenged with responsibilities that I'm excited about, and earnings that make a bigger difference in our lives. I think the whole disability setup in the US seems to scare some people from trying to work again. Yea, they give you a short trial period, but so often I think people do well until the trial period is over, then get sick and then are left in the lurch, financially. My nephew in Czech Republic is on disability for his life-long heart issues. He can try to work as much as he can (any job he can get/want), but if he gets sick and must quit/stop, he's always automatically able to get back full disability payment. And of course everyone here has universal health coverage. It better incentives trying to work.

I think most people in the US on disability want to work, deep down. A portion of Americans regard those on disability as almost "leeches on society" and yet they don't want any reasonable safety nets for them. I imagine it is similar with welfare. I included that quote because I've actually heard it. Very discouraging and mean! In any case, it's great that you are setting out to work again and applied for some higher paying jobs. I admire that and am even a bit jealous. All the best luck in getting what YOU want.

Glad you got a good night's sleep. I did, too, last night.

I don't even want to try if it's a lifelong struggle which we both know it is.

It's wicked hard to get parts anywhere these days. Took me like two months to get parts for my car that got in a wreck in Feb.

There are a lot of former serious addicts who got clean and stay clean for decades and the rest of their lives. Some have to join communities like AA or NA. Others manage on their own and/or with the support of a therapist. Then there are some people who weren't bona fide addicts in the first place. People who only self-medicated mental health problems, but then once they were properly stabilized and learned healthier coping skills, lost the extreme desire for the abusive substance. Some people who still have the tendency to "self-medicate" maybe exchanged one type for another. This latter case is something that I think should be avoided, but then again there are the "lesser of the evils" type substitutions.

Not sure if you are a bona fide addict (or former one) or problematic self-medicater. Doesn't necessarily matter a lot, but I very much disagree that it is a lifelong struggle for all. No one should give up, thinking it will be. For me, the struggle eased. Heck, I must have attended over 1,000 AA meetings in the past, and went through detox/rehab in the hospital once and through dual diagnosis programs three times. For the first years, I struggled now and then with BAD "slips". Now getting drunk is nothing I care to do anymore. I did have my bottom, though not as bad as many others'. No need to try to have a really severe one.

Being fat phobic doesn't necessairly mean you dislike fat people. In my case most of the time fat phobic just means I have an intense fear of gaining weight. I don't dislike any one specefic group of people.