Bipolar check-in #67

I'm getting kind of concerned. I am still extremely sedated. Driving to the clinic for my appt. with Dr. B. was not pleasant. I'm a very careful driver and I don't have a history of falling asleep while driving. But today my eyes kept closing and I was fighting to sit up and be awake.

During the session I was also fighting sleep. At one point I had my eyes open, but was dreaming at the same time. I keep dropping things because my coordination is off. Dr. B. said I need to use a kind of CBT technique to choose a different perspective about the stuff with Mary. I told him that I very much want to, but that the hurt and betrayal I'm feeling is monumental. Being flexible just is not happening, even though I want it to.

The heat is vicious.

MuddyBoots, substance abuse is very common in bipolar disorder, schizoaffective disorder, and schizophrenia. It can be a way of self medication that usually backfires. If not in early periods, then later ones.

I have experienced horrible results from mixing alcohol and my meds. It's all a sensitive setup, for lack of a better way of saying it. Just as people shouldn't manipulate med doses without doctor supervision.

I took my new stomach med and passed out at 5:30 or so. I woke up at 7:30 and thought "wow did I sleep long and deeply." I took my second dose of my stomach med. I took my topamax. I weighed myself. I was annoyed at the number based on the time I was weighing myself. Then I noticed my mom was up early. I went to grab some grapes for breakfast. Then I asked her "why are you up so early?" And she said "Mountaindewed its "7:30 at night." I was so confused. She had a look of concern on her face but I could also tell she was trying not to laugh. I don't know if my new med made me confused or what. But anyways I got back to bed until 2:30AM which is more normal for me. My stomach isn't hurting although I do feel queasy but maybe just from so many grapes. I went through more then half of the $13 bag since last night so they wouldn't go bad. Or maybe I'm just anxious that America is going back 50 years.

Actually got a proper night's sleep! Fell asleep around 11 and woke up around 6:15-ish. Still have to see if it last, but for now, the weight of sleeplessness is off my chest! And eyelids!

Got a call back from another insurance company for an interview. Same job (roughly) and same pay! Both are remote, so I get to go on Zoom Monday and Tuesday.

My family? Well, my family is my family. Their reaction to me getting interviews with two companies promising $40,000 a year is to be shocked and dismayed that I'm not more concerned with getting a part-time baggage handler job promising $14.57 an hour. They want me to limit myself, and I think I know why. I'm not going to go into it because there's a lot of subtext, but I've got an idea. I will say this: It's sad that when I ask them for advice, I immediately do the exact opposite, and I'm better off for it.

Never did look into the unemployment paperwork last night. Seeing as I've got a lazy day ahead, I might as well!

I’ve gotta ask - why are you fat phobic? You’ve implied it a fair bit. You’re against people who are trans phobic…..

I wrestle with something similar in terms of wanting a job in the future, when I'm ready. I feel like my husband wants to limit me, yet I really wish I could be challenged with responsibilities that I'm excited about, and earnings that make a bigger difference in our lives. I think the whole disability setup in the US seems to scare some people from trying to work again. Yea, they give you a short trial period, but so often I think people do well until the trial period is over, then get sick and then are left in the lurch, financially. My nephew in Czech Republic is on disability for his life-long heart issues. He can try to work as much as he can (any job he can get/want), but if he gets sick and must quit/stop, he's always automatically able to get back full disability payment. And of course everyone here has universal health coverage. It better incentives trying to work.

I think most people in the US on disability want to work, deep down. A portion of Americans regard those on disability as almost "leeches on society" and yet they don't want any reasonable safety nets for them. I imagine it is similar with welfare. I included that quote because I've actually heard it. Very discouraging and mean! In any case, it's great that you are setting out to work again and applied for some higher paying jobs. I admire that and am even a bit jealous. All the best luck in getting what YOU want.

Glad you got a good night's sleep. I did, too, last night.

I don't even want to try if it's a lifelong struggle which we both know it is.

It's wicked hard to get parts anywhere these days. Took me like two months to get parts for my car that got in a wreck in Feb.

There are a lot of former serious addicts who got clean and stay clean for decades and the rest of their lives. Some have to join communities like AA or NA. Others manage on their own and/or with the support of a therapist. Then there are some people who weren't bona fide addicts in the first place. People who only self-medicated mental health problems, but then once they were properly stabilized and learned healthier coping skills, lost the extreme desire for the abusive substance. Some people who still have the tendency to "self-medicate" maybe exchanged one type for another. This latter case is something that I think should be avoided, but then again there are the "lesser of the evils" type substitutions.

Not sure if you are a bona fide addict (or former one) or problematic self-medicater. Doesn't necessarily matter a lot, but I very much disagree that it is a lifelong struggle for all. No one should give up, thinking it will be. For me, the struggle eased. Heck, I must have attended over 1,000 AA meetings in the past, and went through detox/rehab in the hospital once and through dual diagnosis programs three times. For the first years, I struggled now and then with BAD "slips". Now getting drunk is nothing I care to do anymore. I did have my bottom, though not as bad as many others'. No need to try to have a really severe one.

Being fat phobic doesn't necessairly mean you dislike fat people. In my case most of the time fat phobic just means I have an intense fear of gaining weight. I don't dislike any one specefic group of people.

I read about the New Deal once upon a time, and I remember a bit about the industry leaders opposition to all the social programs of the 30s and 40s boiling down to "But they won't want to work if they get Social Security! Or food assistance! Or anything else!" Or to put it more accurately, they won't be forced to work for us for scraps. And yet, we've tied everything to employment. To productivity. (I'm too sick to be a productive worker. Can you help me? You better be a productive worker before we help you with your sickness!)

Another account I read was one about Walter Freeman, the guy who popularized the lobotomy, found out he had no other notable medical skills and kept doing them long after medical science had moved on in a desperate (and !@#$%^ up) attempt to stay relevant. That guy. Anyway, he was appointed the head of psychiatric hospital in DC, noticed the horrible conditions, and was moved with empathy... for the American taxpayer. He wanted to help his patients become workers and taxpayers, rather than "leeches on society." Integrating mentally ill people into society through employment is not necessarily a bad thing, but THAT was his first thought?

But yeah, I just wish being employed wasn't a requirement to access the services I need to get employed. I used to like paradoxes, until I started living them!

The news is so scary. My state is ok. But we are up for an election in November and there are some super scary people running and their commercials are just appaling I want to throw the remote at the TV every time one comes on. I am so grateful to have had my surgeries and to have had a smooth transiton but I know so many trans men in the country are struggling and panicking right now. My next step is to change my legal name and gender. My mom and I agree we should legit act fast on this so we will call her lawyer on Monday and light a fire under his *** to help us out. I know my mom will help me out with whatever finances I need but I don't think its that much and I do have savings bonds from my grandparents I can use.

My old man has probably been rolling nonstop in his grave since 2015

My new med is getting rid of my stomach pain but its making me a bit lightheaded and headachy. Although I have only eaten grapes since 2PM yesterday since its making me not hungry either. I don't get how I'll be able to take it 4 times a day with food when I don't ever eat 4 times a day. Idk. I'll have to figure it out somehow.

My new med is making me feel super weird right now I don't even know how to begin to explain what I'm feeling. Like the room is spinning and my vision is weird and I feel all nervous and like I'm going to lose control. Should I be worried?

I guess I just had a panic attack. Probably because of the news and the lack of food and I am planning on going to a huge BBQ where I will be seeing a lot of family members some I havent seen in 3 years. I know they are all accepting but its just been a lot today. Plus the new med is making me feel kinda funky

I woke up at 1:00 am choking on my congestion and fighting to breathe. I went ahead and took my steroids which calmed it for a few hours but it’s right back again. I talked with my daughter this morning and she gave me the supplement formula she used to get over suspected COVID and I found a product that has more than that on Amazon. It will be here Monday. I’m excited. I’ll also call the doctor to be fit in for treatment first thing Monday.

I’ve rested for two days and it hasn’t seemed to help so I’m going to try modified activity today. When I stay down I get to thinking about brother and get depressed so it’s a toss up. It’s supposed to be rainy and cooler today so that’s good. Mentally in a better place today. Happy really.

I’ve been spending virtually every waking hour with mom (and some sleeping as well). I need to get some things done so I’ll slowly start doing those things. We both need to adjust to a new normal.

I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Well that just SUCKS ! I hope somebody will bring it do you get your ride back

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I made dry rub ribs today. Put them in the oven on low for 3 hours and nuked veggies to go with them. Mm they turned out delicious and as if they were cooked on a grill.

Ordered cupcakes for the birthday girls on Tuesday. My granddaughter is very typical of five year old girls, favorite food, pizza, favorite color, purple, favorite cake, chocolate. Favorite thing, rainbows, unicorns and mermaids 🧜*♀️

Yes yes yes get in to see your Doctor asap. I’m so sorry that your not better by now

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Ooooooo ribs …. Yummy !

That’s funny about your granddaughter my daughter was exactly the same lol

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Those ribs sound wonderful!

Rainbows, unicorns and mermaids! Five-year-olds are great, aren't they?

I took half an Ambein last night and finally got some solid sleep.

Steve’s been dealing with terrible sinus headaches lately despite taking meds. Has me a bit worried. I think I will always be in a panic when he complains of a bad head ache considering we lost his sister earlier this year to an aneurysm.

I’m still whining over this heat. We “ might” get rain tomorrow but I won’t hold my breath and if we do it will just be even more miserable humidity.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend

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They are, so much optimism and energy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Mountaindewed The news is so scary. My state is ok. But we are up for an election in November....

Scary is correct. The Great Divide between the 2 parties is now even wider. California is now a "sanctuary state."

***VOTE***

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I woke up at 1:00 am choking on my congestion and fighting to breathe. I went ahead and took my steroids which calmed it for a few hours but it’s right back again. I talked with my daughter this morning and she gave me the supplement formula she used to get over suspected COVID and I found a product that has more than that on Amazon. It will be here Monday. I’m excited. I’ll also call the doctor to be fit in for treatment first thing Monday. I’ve rested for two days and it hasn’t seemed to help so I’m going to try modified activity today. When I stay down I get to thinking about brother and get depressed so it’s a toss up. It’s supposed to be rainy and cooler today so that’s good. Mentally in a better place today. Happy really. I’ve been spending virtually every waking hour with mom (and some sleeping as well). I need to get some things done so I’ll slowly start doing those things. We both need to adjust to a new normal. I hope everyone has a peaceful day.

Everything has just been too much and your immune system crashed. I understand about the lying down and thinking about your brother

Would you be able to take an otc like NyQuil so you can sleep as much as possible?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu I made dry rub ribs today. Put them in the oven on low for 3 hours and nuked veggies to go with them. Mm they turned out delicious and as if they were cooked on a grill. Ordered cupcakes for the birthday girls on Tuesday. My granddaughter is very typical of five year old girls, favorite food, pizza, favorite color, purple, favorite cake, chocolate. Favorite thing, rainbows, unicorns and mermaids 🧜*♀️

All the "favorites" sound so cute and colorful

Quote:

Originally Posted by ~Christina Ooooooo ribs …. Yummy ! That’s funny about your granddaughter my daughter was exactly the same lol Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

Haha, my daughter was all about black, bats, vampires, skulls, all things Goth. My son liked the bright, happy stuff.

I opted to do my laundry and some chores this morning, then sleep during the early afternoon. That worked well because it is HOT. Tonight, thankfully, will cool down. I'm allowing myself to just relax and watch a movie in a while.