Bipolar check-in #67

So cool because when if tried to do the @ thing with the names my auto correct changes them to something else. And having the trigger icon is also so helpful.

Ohhhh, Soupe. What a monstrous drag. Wow. NOT what the two of you need right now, on top of all the other pressure. All I can contribute is the hope that the covid passes over quickly and completely.

btw - you mentioned your mood being a little "low." The only side-effect I experienced from each of my first 2 covid vaccines was low mood. I was very concerned at the time, but it did pass pretty quickly and I do believe it was a vax side-effect. It could be that covid is manifesting for you as mood alteration.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu So cool because when if tried to do the @ thing with the names my auto correct changes them to something else. And having the trigger icon is also so helpful.

I never could make the @ work. But now the blue icon isn't working for me, either I must be doing something wrong, I'm going to work with it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 ...I’ll give myself credit for what I am doing and show myself some grace and compassion for the days I don’t get things done. Please. Yes I still can’t seem to get it together with my daughter. We haven’t talked yet. She wants to have a one sided conversation where she tells me everything I’m doing wrong and I’m not up for that right now. I’m up for a two sided conversation where we address our differences with respect. I don’t know what the answer is. It bothers me more than a little. Oh, Lord. I am so, so sorry that you're having to go through this now, of all times. My mother had severe mental illness and at times I've wondered if her illness was exacerbated because she had 3 daughters, no sons. I'm only half-kidding. Seems to me that daughters are just so terribly hard on their mothers. Mine sure is. This Zoloft is causing me to gain weight so I have a decision to make. It’s working wonders but I don’t need the weight gain. That decision. Not an easy one, to be sure. I've been on Zoloft for about 8 months, I don't know that it's doing anything positive, but it keeps my stomach constantly upset. I've had enough, so I started decreasing it last night - and my stomach already feels better. I woke at 1 last night and went back to bed at 6 then slept until right before 10. It’s a beautiful day but I don’t believe I’ll float this late. Saturdays get crowded early. I stay away from crowds especially with a high COVID rate of infection in my county. Hugs to all. Hugs to you, too, Jennifer.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Quote:

Originally Posted by Fuzzybear Hey Beth I'm so sorry about the late reply to this. As you probably know I'm not always here and if I am, I don't always read all the posts (but I try to read yours and some others) I gratefully accept the lovely bouquets of gorgeously scented flowers and a chocolate cupcake As I posted elsewhere (and maybe here, not sure) I'm so glad the session went well and I completely understand your anxiety (well as much as I can being me and not you) I have never had a voodoo doll. I might consider that. I love trying new things, it's one of the things that I think makes life worthwhile I used to roller skate when I was very young, I didn't find it easy, I was quite a chubby and tall kid for my age which may not have helped. I loved bike riding though! (papa bear, my husband, would probably have found roller skating harder than I did, he finds playing the piano very hard - I play a little (self taught) and he finds things like table tennis hard (I'm quite good at that) Wishing love, safety, protection and joy

My Dear Fuzzy, Thank you for such a beautiful post. It has given my eyes tears and has warmed my heart immensely.

How magnificent that you've taught yourself piano! What a great gift you've given to yourself and to listeners.

I have 3 voodoo dolls, they were created by a man in Italy. They're so special. I have a pic of them and if I can find it I will post it for you. I also have one of the dolls' image tattooed on my arm.

I absolutely adore table tennis. I wish you and I could play together

I just heard on the news that the UK is having a beastly heat wave I thought of you, and hope you're not feeling unwell if you're in a "hot spot."

As always, thank you for your warmth, your friendship, your support.

Sending love and a big hug,
Beth

104 degrees with no end in sight. What can I say except thank the Universe for a/c and fans. And showers with cold water. I had a case of carbonated water in the back of my car (8 cans) overnight, this afternoon I went to bring them into my apartment, and they had all blown up! It would have been quite a sight to see them as they exploded, I guess. The cans were lying all over the place. Interestingly, nothing was wet - the inside of the car was so hot that the water had all dried up.

I feel awful for people in Europe and in the UK who are having terrible temperatures. At least we're used to, and equipped for, such summers here. But we don't really have true winters anymore, which is rotten.

All the time I've been on Zoloft (8 months??) I've had an upset stomach. I've had enough of that and I am not convinced that the Zoloft is doing anything, anyway. I had mentioned my desire to stop it last time I saw my med dude. He suggested considering a different AD. Perhaps. I started decreasing the Zoloft last night and I'll discuss options when I see med dude this week.

And that, kids, is my exciting update! I'm off to do kitty dinner, then some roller skating - heat be damned!

You are each AMAZING!

@BethHa ha, my cans of carbonated water blew up because it was too cold. The soda was fine and I bought it all in the house but my cartons of water were gone. The spring water in the bottles was half froze but salvageable. I hadn’t thought it was cold enough in the garage to freeze but I was wrong. I hadn’t thought about it bursting from heat.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu @BethHa ha, my cans of carbonated water blew up because it was too cold. The soda was fine and I bought it all in the house but my cartons of water were gone. The spring water in the bottles was half froze but salvageable. I hadn’t thought it was cold enough in the garage to freeze but I was wrong. I hadn’t thought about it bursting from heat.

That is wild! I had no idea that could happen That's why climate and weather are so intriguing. We learn so much from them.

I woke up in the middle of the night feeling terrible (whole body pain, headache, mild upset stomach, and throat/upper chest discomfort). Still my sleep sucks. I am now convinced I also have covid. We'll call our GP tomorrow to update her. I assume I'll need a PCR test. How else can the government tracking of covid numbers be accurate? Likely Hubby's positive is already included, but all of the people who have it and never confirm? Can't get out of bed, which drives me crazy, as I'm usually productive. My left eye keeps tearing up because my eyeball hurts, etc.

My sister wrote that my nephew is still in the psych hospital and again getting ECT. I feel so horrible for him and also my sister. My nephew was suddenly fired from his job (in Pennsylvania) for not reporting to work enough because of his recurring hospitalizations. His health insurance was cancelled simultaneously. He'll need to sign up for the ultra expensive COBRA to get coverage again, which Sis will pay for. My sister said he's already received a $30,000 bill for three days he spent in the general hospital waiting for a psych hospital bed. So, $10,000 per night probably just sitting around an ugly hospital ward likely not even receiving therapy? It's mind blowing! For that amount I'd like to be in a luxury penthouse overlooking Central Park being catered to like a Roman Empress. Actually, that would likely be cheaper. Truly, what did they offer that warrants $10,000 per day? The whole healthcare system in the US is a criminal enterprise. My sister said she will help him try to fight this. If she doesn't succeed, they'll get him a lawyer.

Sis also said that her nephew (husband's sister's son) also has covid and that b-i-l's sister and other child are also sick, but they tested negative. B-i-l spent time with his sister in a car recently. I sure hope the covid doesn't spread to my sister's household. She and b-i-l are fully vaccinated, so if it does I hope it would be mild, if they get it.

@*Beth*, there are so many factors that could lower my mood that it's hard to know what is responsible. Likely a combo of it all. But I'm OK and think I'll weather through it all. My poor sleep hasn't helped, for sure. And I've been having vivid nightmares, too. Fortunately the weather has been mild here, with highs only 72 F (23 C). I'm in bed under both my down comforter and quilt with the heated blanket on underneath, as I have chills.

I went for the blood work yesterday morning. I had no issue getting it done. I came home after and just hung out in bed. I don't think its covid. It could be a slight bug or something off with my blood work. After some chicken noodle soup and a couple Gatorade I felt a lot better. I skipped my stomach med since it can cause agitation and paranoia. So mental health wise I was fine yesterday. So I may have found the cause of my bad anxiety. Yesterday overall wasn't horrible.

Work was hard. I took Xanax in the parking lot beforehand because I was about to cry. It lasted most of my 4 hour shift. Toward the end I was getting scared, four customers were getting closer and closer together and I was afraid that this was the trap I was worried about. It was about 5:15 so I just watched them all until I could leave at 5:30. I had my box cutter in my hand just in case. I counted out and got the hell out of there.

But home is not much better. I’m really not sure still about RS. I mean it’s got to be the real RS, don’t you think? This isn’t ****ing Harry Potter, you can’t brew up poly juice potion.

I need to be somewhere no one expects me to be because if I’m not expected to be there no one can set a trap. I went to 7-11 for a drink right after work and some lady started talking to me and asking all sorts of questions. If I lived close, where do I work. WTF is that??? She saw me get into my car, she know what I drive and my license plate number. She didn’t follow me though. And I lied and said I didn’t live close and that I worked in a store, not which one. So unless she’s got a cop friend or works at the DMV she’s not coming here.

I’m really afraid to stay home alone, see the previous owner is in trouble with the law (we’re getting his court papers) and he purposely didn’t change his address with the court. They’re looking for him. What if the cops come here looking and don’t believe me that he doesn’t live here anymore or what if they’re imposters as well.

Uuuugh I’m pretty sure all this can’t be real but I can’t prove it one way or the other.

I took 100mg of seroquel when I got home, passed out for three hours, then took the other 125mg before bed, along with gabapentin, prazosin, and propranolol. No dice, didn’t sleep until 1am. Woke up at 7:30.

Ok. This is not real. It’s lies. It will pass. Tomorrow or even later today could be better.

I am in a true, deep depression now and I fought so hard not to be. I did all the right things and it failed. I slept most of yesterday and last night and I’ve stopped eating. It’s too much trouble. I don’t know how to get out and I feel a cold pit of dread in my stomach.

Hugs to all.

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. It sounds scary. I’m thinking of you and I hope you feel better soon

I’m so sorry you might/probably have COVID. I hope you feel better soon.

I totally agree about the medical care system in the United States. $30,000 is outrageous.

This is where I am, I did all the right things and I’m a terrified mess.

Sometimes all the right things just don’t work in times of great stress. You’ve been through a terrible loss and are under a lot of stress dealing with the estate. Please do be kind to yourself, you’re not a failure.

I know you don’t like the Zoloft, perhaps a different AD can help lift you up a bit until the stress ebbs and you can work on your skills again. You may not need it forever.

Has anyone had any expierence with Concerta for really bad concentration? I am at the point where I can't keep dealing with this on my own and I need my pdocs help. All I do most days is stare at my phone and post on here. I see my pdoc tommorow afternoon and I plan on discussing it with him. I will have my mom on the call since she can see how bad this is. I don't want anything that will cause weight gain. And I don't want an addictive stimulant like adderal or ritalin. I don't think concerta is addictive? But I've just about had it. I have wasted this entire weekend because of lack of motivation and concentration despite having plenty to do.

I reached out to my daughter today. She said she couldn’t talk to me until she has that one sided conversation with me about everything I’m doing wrong. It’s like she kicked me in the teeth. I’m not strong enough for such a conversation at this time but us being on the outs is not helping my depression. We’re at an impasse and I don’t know what to do. It’s not good.

Hugs to all.

I hope it’s just a short flu like illness and not covid. Yes poor sleep affects our immune systems. Take it easy.

@wildflowerchild25 it may seem stupid but remember to breathe

@jenifer1967; do you know grey rock technique? You could maybe utilize that to let your daughter do her one sided convo then move on and be able to talk to her again? It’s just a suggestion as I feel so bad your not able to talk to her. I think it would lift you up once you got past the one sided convo.

For my update I need to accept I stumbled a bit last night. I started listening to 60’s music on YouTube. Started out innocently enough with John Denver’s sunshine on my shoulders and blew into the top 100 60’s song and protest songs. It was after 1am when I went to bed and instead of just reading for 10 minutes I read until past 4:30 am I was so wired. By the protest songs and the folk songs. it was after 5 am when I finally drifted off. Then I had a vivid dream that I belonged to a synagogue in the middle of Seattle next to a hospital. For people arriving by train and subway you had to cross a public park with wood fences blocking the way. There was a “meeting” mostly of elitists talking about how to get rid of those coming by train and subway. I was there to speck for the poor then one tall thin fellow broke both legs going over the fence and I stabilized him by putting an airplane wing on his legs and a glass paperweight on his head! Then I lead people in a protest and tore down the fence.

I didn’t wake up till 11:30, the day is half gone and I’m exhausted

Thanks Nammu. I’m not familiar with that but will look it up right now. I appreciate you.

@Nammu

I’ve learned I cannot read or mess around on my phone before bed or I will be too overstimulated to sleep for hours. I try to turn it off by 8:30 and switch to just listening to a podcast or something. If I read I know I will have to finish the book so I feel you I’ve done that many times!

And also thank you for the encouragement, I really appreciate it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I am in a true, deep depression now and I fought so hard not to be. I did all the right things and it failed. I slept most of yesterday and last night and I’ve stopped eating. It’s too much trouble. I don’t know how to get out and I feel a cold pit of dread in my stomach. Hugs to all.

Yes, you did do all the right things, Jennifer, and thinking you failed is incorrect. Entirely. You not only had to go through the immense shock and grief of your brother's death, but you have also shouldered your mom's terrible grief, the funeral arrangements, all the legal responsibilities - all of that, plus trying to cope with your daughter's lack of compassion - which may be more devastating than everything else put together.

It's no wonder you're feeling terribly depressed. It would be natural for your mind to shut down to protect you. The way I see it is that, unfortunately, the depression is an indication of the enormous amount of emotion and responsibility you're involved with.

My update from the gorrrgeous Mediterranean climate of northern California's Central Valley is that it is currently...

106 degrees with a hot, dry wind blowing

AND it is all Amazon's fault that I had to do what I had to do today, because a few days ago I ordered a case of canned cat food, which was scheduled to be delivered on Friday. But, Amazon notified me that the food would be delivered yesterday instead. Okay, that works. Then Amazon emailed again; now the cat food won't be delivered until tomorrow!

SO, being completely out of cat food I had to go out in this heat, climb into my car - which was surely at least 135 degrees inside - and drive to the grocery store to buy the cans of cat food I need. Therefore, the $ I was supposed to save by ordering the case of food from Amazon is now null and void, since I had to spend money on the food today.

Then, as long as I was already out and about I decided to wash my very dusty car (which also had bird shite on it), and I needed gas, too. (The price of gas has dropped from almost $7 to $5.40 - really cheap!)

So despite the brain-frying heat I am well-stocked with cat food, I have a clean car, and the gas tank is at just above 1/4 full. Huzzah! (Should I thank Amazon...hmm...)

And now: a prayer of gratitude for a/c and fans, then - a shower.

*Oh - btw, did I mention my ineffable horror at the video footage displaying the ineptness of LEO at the Uvalde massacre? Yeah. There's that.*

Love to each and every beautiful soul here

I kept waking up and going back to sleep then waking up again dreaming all the while. I finally got up about 3:20 p.m. I went to Starbucks. My mom called when I just got there- I'd asked if I could come over and practice crocheting like I did yesterday. She said I can tomorrow. It was the first time I'd crocheted in my adult life. I could do simple chains as a kid
But yesterday, just getting the chain straight was a big deal! It kept getting twisted! I did manage do do several links in a straight row! I'd asked my mom to show me how to crochet. She said she taught herself to crochet when she was pregnant with me- no YouTube videos on how! We did find a YouTube video on the basics. So many things to think of at once! And my mom would pull out all the stitches I'd done and start me over because the chain was twisted. I just want to be able to make a blanket before my mom dies. She could live another 20 years or die in 1 month. You just never know.

I took a shower with my contacts in this evening. When I was shampooing my hair a bunch of suds went into my left eye. Pain! I tried rinsing with the clean shower water but contacts don't like plain water- they tend to stick to the eyeball- what the eye wants is saline or natural tears. So I took out the contacts and threw them out. It was about time for new ones anyway. I'm wearing my glasses and my eye is still talking with me a little bit.