Bipolar check-in #68

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Originally Posted by Nammu Domestic shelters do deal with these situations and know not to exacerbate the situation. This is in their bailiwick

Uhhh, forgive me, Nammu, but... Well, hopefully you're correct. The region I live in is notorious for social worker = cop = utter stupidity.

That’s why I suggested domestic shelter not crises line.

Those charges for the beach are terrible @wildflowerchild25. So far we don't have that here. There are private beaches, so you have to be a resident to use the beach (Malibu, for example) and there are state parks that cost something to park in. But thankfully, most beaches are free.

As I'm understanding it @MuddyBoots you are in literal, physical danger at your dad's, right? I mean, paranoia is hell...having a weapon pointed at you (or threatened to be)...there are only 2 ways out, dead or alive. End of story. I hope you're in a safe place tonight.

The usual Sunday evening monster of anxiety. There's no escaping this heat, 68 the lowest tonight/104 tomorrow/108 on Tuesday. I had the a/c running and got so cold I was shaking, turned it off and opened all the windows. Fans on. Did skate today, it went well, 'though the heat was prohibitive and kept me from being out long. There is plenty of skating I can practice inside though. My floors are slick.

I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. On Thursday we went over a relationship I was in for 12 years. It was not a lovely thing, it ended with terror, and I'm feeling panicky about further discussion of it tomorrow. I'm feeling panicky, altogether. Although, I can remind myself that that relationship/situation is over and in the past. 7 years in the past.

Maybe I'll feel better after I sleep. I kinda just wish I could disappear right now.

I initially went back because I thought there'd be better resources in the city, but I stayed for all the reasons you listed.

Here in rural NH things are a little different than down south in the cities. For example in the ER here they kept asking me if I was on uppers and were whispering to each other "she's got track marks, watch out." They'd just ask at my dad's ER once, take a drug test, and wouldn't think twice about it. I'm applying for housing soon so I can have my own place, but I need to be working and it takes ~7 years for that to go through.

Dear Jane, you are still young. No one wants you to leave their lives, and you are a person who can be good for your own, when feeling well. I'm 51 and though I feel I've lived a full life, there are still more experiences to be had, as there are for you. We all play a part in this world. A more important one than we sometimes think.

This morning I feel mostly at peace, despite some chaos in my life. Just focusing on packing for our move. No need to stress about the rest until we get more info...hopefully at the end of the week.

Since eliminating the Seroquel IR, I feel better. I've even lost a couple pounds without dieting. I know from the past that I can drop weight on my current Seroquel XR dose. I much much prefer XR. It's a different animal than the IR, for me. My concerns have solely been to avoid diabetes and fit into my clothes again. I was happy my jeans felt less tight yesterday.

My physical malady is slowly healing after nearly two weeks of TLC and a doctor's appointment. Getting home from s-i-l's was good, as while a guest (away from home) needed selfcare is more difficult. We will have to go north again in a few days. Not looking forward to it! Though staying with s-i-l is free, I'd rather stay in an inn and eat where and when I like, but that may not be. Plus, Hubby sees things differently. Our various differences in thinking have always been a source of conflict between us. Most of the time I feel I compromise more, but he may say the same thing.

My sleep schedule is all kinds of jacked up again. I'm up at 3am and very likely not going back to sleep. Had a similar situation yesterday. It's not helping my work freakout at all and if anything's going to be resolved, it's going to be resolved tomorrow. Maybe. Hopefully. They could just as easily stomp on my proverbial face. Plenty of relatively powerful people have done that or tried that. If they can take my power away, they don't have to be reminded of their own precarious positions.

I don't like limiting my options but it seems that's all anyone around me ever wants to do. I want advice and help, not petty bureaucrats, smiling faces hiding proverbial knives behind their backs or diktats from men absolutely convinced of my moral inferiority. Guess what I get?

Why does it feel like I have to put in all this time and effort to be a member of society (not even a productive member, just a member) just to be dismissed out of hand by people who didn't do the work. You absolutely know that if I decided to pursue disability as a first choice, those same people would want to make sure I "deserved" it.

Not unique to me, I know, but...

As far as actual to-do lists are concerned, getting the login issue resolved quickly so I can get the work done and get on the job quickly is top priority. Perhaps I can make my freakout much ado about nothing?

Speaking of disability, I'm going to call the lawyers I'm working with to touch base and see what's going on in the process. If obstacles (medical and psychological) continue to plague me, I need a good plan B.

For the long overdue spring cleaning, my laundry room is next. The recurring water leaks affected that room bad, so there's stuff to get rid of as well as a floor to deck scrub and mop. Washer and dryer are OK though, so that's a plus.

Just a few things to do today, but they're big things! I could do with some good luck right now!

I'm doing well. I woke up at 2:30 but I got about 7.5 hours of straight sleep. Thats pretty good for all the excitement I have going on. My sister is dropping my nephews off in a couple hours for the day and I have a lot of laundry and packing to do. Then I get my blood drawn tommorow morning and then we head out on our trip right after. I've been fretting a bit about all the paperwork involved with my name change but I know my therapist would say to just focus on my vacation right now. All in all I've been doing well especially with the prestiq.

I still can't shake the feeling I'm being followed and watched at every turn I take. I have a headache from all the stress and not sleeping. Nobody knows where I am, just my mom. My car is still at my dad's and I guess that's where it's staying indefinitely. My dad's too fccking high to realize I'm missing. I hope.

Well, you know that certain substances heighten paranoia @MuddyBoots. I was hoping that chatting on 988 would at least help diffuse things and bring you down some. But, although you may be different, for me fearing police involvement in any kind of crisis line/reaching out for shelter, etc. is a terrifying prospect. One moment you say the wrong word, the next moment there are cops at your door who won't listen toa word you or anyone else says. Especially true in smaller towns where cops are sitting around with nothing better to do.

My most sincere advice is to stay in touch with ACT. And us, because I/we care about you.

But the thing is I don't even remember abusing any hard drugs recently. I had a few hits off a joint a few weeks ago for sleep (not sure of exact timing but it hasn't been recently) and a couple (2) beers last week. I don't know where/when/what the track marks are from; I didn't even notice them until the nurses were (loudly) talking about it, right in front of me and all the other people in the hall. I'm assuming some sort of upper which would explain any paranoia and why my pulse was 138 at the hospital last night. I do frequently "miss" hours/days and I'm freaking out because I feel like I'm not in control of anything. I've been trying so hard to be clean & sober and now I'm shooting meth (or something) and don't even know it.

And yes, I'm terrified of cops too.

I just checked the hospital's portal and I tested positive for amphetamines. wtf.

I know you've been trying like crazy to stay clean...and I believe you when you say you don't remember using. Must have been something related to your psych meds. Being a recovering alcoholic, I can attest to the fact that blackouts are a very real thing. Maybe if you try to keep a regular schedule of your psych meds, you won't have a repeat. Don't give up.

So many suffering and yet good news from a few too. Seems like we're all keepin' on, keepin' on. I feel okay today, just very tired. I went out intending to shop the new Fall clothes but they were not out at Walmart yet and i started to go up to Joe Fresh but couldn't make it due to fatigue. I came home and napped and actually fell asleep which is rare for me in the daytime. Mood's okay, just very tired.

I had a fun time messaging with a Scrabble friend this morning about men. We talked about the younger man i dated this Summer and she made me laugh when she said her favorite Chinese dish is "Sum Yung Guy"! Haha! I talked about another more suitable and respectful man i have met but with the massive fatigue i feel at the moment i may not be able to pursue romance at all. I know men my age complain of women not being active enough. I may let this current man go and abandon romance until my next manic episode in April. I won't be much fun this Winter and i'm not even sure i have the energy to keep up with the drop-in where i see this guy.

Oh, well, not big problems on the scale of what @MuddyBoots is going thru. My sincere wishes for a good outcome for you, my dear.

@Soupe du jour:

Thanks for the support. I was feeling very emotional when i wrote. Now that i'm steadier i see no reason why i can't continue on, and as you say, see what life has to offer. It's pretty early to pack up my tent in my fifties!

Idk what’s wrong with me. I’m so nauseated.

This restlessness from the haldol is killing me. I did better just taking 1mg at night than splitting the dose AM/PM. I think I’ll try that. I never did cut down to 3mg haldol but I have to, I really hope It will help. I could not sit still in group no matter what I did. Kept moving my legs and feet. I tried to switch the tension release to my hands by playing with a fidget, but no dice.

I went to the gym on a treadmill for half an hour to calm down. I do feel calmer now. I don’t see how I can stay on this but I can’t switch so close to the start of my new job, I am too afraid to rock the boat.

Speaking of which I shared too much with my physician and now he put on my physical form that I need a separate not from the program dr as well. It would be fine except it’s difficult getting her to do anything in a timely manner. My disability papers weren’t ready for like 3-4 weeks. Im going to get on her *** and then on my clinicians *** because I’m really trying not to have this job taken from me before I even get to start.

Much love and hugs to those that need a little extra today

The only thing productive I did today was buy some empty bottles to put shampoo and body wash in to take to the gym. Still haven't been yet- having a car out of commission took a whole week away from me.

Last night, I finished the first book in the Virgin River series. Started on #2 today.

Oh well I know one thing that was productive today was I did the dishes. Go me!

UN productive: going out to eat alone. I should be at the gym not wasting money on restaurants! I did pack my gym bag- getting ready to get ready as my mom would say.

And last but not least, FWB visited this evening. I guess I'll call that productive as I feel calm and relaxed.

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Originally Posted by HALLIEBETH87 Idk what’s wrong with me. I’m so nauseated.

Oh, God. I hate, hate that. I've had it a lot lately and i think it's some kind of med-related thing. Have you started a new med or changed dosage?

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Originally Posted by Moose72 ...- getting ready to get ready as my mom would say. And last but not least, FWB visited this evening. I guess I'll call that productive as I feel calm and relaxed.

I like what your mom says

What happens if you and FWB fall in love?

Extreme heat, a wildfire but no smoke here at this point. I just heard that Miller High Life Beer is marketing an ice cream confection called "Dive Bar" - it tastes like beer, chocolate and peanuts. I'm not at all fond of alcohol, but it would be fun to try a Dive Bar.


For that matter, sitting in a cold dive bar right now - I wouldn't mind it. I like playing pool and I love the juke box.

I pushed for a phone appointment with med dude (they kept telling me they don't do phone appointments and I was like, UH, it's 107 degrees outside, 145 in my car and you're telling me not to overheat?). Okay, we'll make an exception and do a phone appointment.

So he received my lithium serum test, which showed a deficit of lithium. Well, that's because I did the blood work when I had not taken lithium for 2 days. I spaced out & did the lab by mistake.

Anyway, med dude increased my lithium to 600mg. twice a day. I think if it's going to work, that that is a reasonable dose.

I'm excited because my new skate laces were delivered. They're a kind of shiny black and very long. Here's the thing though, I opened the package and literally said YUCK! The laces stink something awful. Isn't that weird? I guess it's a plastic coating or something. I mean, the smell is revolting. I'm doing laundry today, so I'll toss them in and hope the reeking stink goes away. Then I'll rub them with perfume.

I've been thinking about you today @MuddyBoots. How are you? I saw a video on YouTube, this guy named John Andrew-Flemming. I won't post it here because it's intense. But very real and I am so sorry, but I thought of you. It's no joke what you're doing, sweetie!

Today was a good day!

The work account was still an issue, but the tech support people were able to give a temporary fix. So, I was able to get all of the pre-employment paperwork, computer based training and general logistics taken care of. I start 10am on Wednesday!

Also, kept going on my Spring Cleaning and worked on another room. For the first time in a long time, I felt ownership over my house, and I guess, life. Yes, I'm an adult and yes, I can make my own choices, but when the only people who seem to give a @#$% constantly criticize my methods, choices and general competence and then say, "Here's what we're going to do." I don't have helpful family. I have a drill sergeant. Even when I agree with the solution, it's not agreement, it's following orders. It's just annoying how the man cannot cede control in any way.

I could go on, but I'll stop here because today was a really good day!

So glad you have a new job and had a good day!

No nothing new. Just feel icky today. Even left work after two hours. Idk.