Bipolar check-in #68

I deleted a post earlier where I had a pretty big meltdown. Hopefully not too many people saw it. I finally had one straw too many after years of straws and I was in tears. I woke up from a pleasant dream where there were problems I could actually solve and thought my life is a living ****. I was overwrought and overwhelmed.

I’m sorry if I worried anybody. I’m coming around now and starting to look at solutions and possibilities. I’ll be okay. I appreciate the support I receive on this forum so much. Thank you.

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots I just got back from the DMV. It wasn't awful. 40 minute ride there, 15 minutes in the building, and then the ride back. First thing in the AM appointments are great. ...

I had to renew my license and ended up spending 2 hours and 10 minutes in a small, hot, very noisy DMV office going through all the BS. I was already in a hypomanic state when I walked into the building. About an hour in I was escalating into mania. I was yelling out loud, praying out loud. I knew it, but I could not stop myself. I was afraid the cops there were going to kick me out or arrest me to the hospital.

Anyway, that was how I ended up on lithium (which I stopped taking when I got sick).

The DMV experience has, like so many aspects of this country, become intolerable.

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Originally Posted by Sunflower123 I deleted a post earlier where I had a pretty big meltdown. Hopefully not too many people saw it. I finally had one straw too many after years of straws and I was in tears. I woke up from a pleasant dream where there were problems I could actually solve and thought my life is a living ****. I was overwrought and overwhelmed. I’m sorry if I worried anybody. I’m coming around now and starting to look at solutions and possibilities. I’ll be okay. I appreciate the support I receive on this forum so much. Thank you.

Oh, Jennifer, I wish you wouldn't have deleted your post. I want to give all the support to you that I can. We all have those really bad, bad times.

I wasn’t planning on taking any ambien last night but at 3:30am I gave in and took 5 mg. To my surprise I fell right to sleep! Slept till 9 am. Cool but a bit disturbing dreams. It’s looking like the pdoc was right. I do need the ambien to sleep. He did say that once my sleep was regulated we could look into decreasing the AP. I’m of two minds on that, I want to quit because I know I will lose weight, but I am scared of losing my stability. I got responsibilities and can’t afford to destabilize. But oh I want to lose weight!

You are so kind to me and so supportive. I really appreciate you.

For some reason that I don't understand the sun in California is very high, very white, and bright. It's like that all over the state. The only other place I've seen sun so high and white is in Israel, and maybe in Arizona, but maybe not exactly. Elsewhere in the U.S. the sun is a little lower in the sky, a bit less intense. This is true even in the southern states.

When I awoke this morning I peeked through the leaves of the great, big old tree outside of my bedroom window. I thought I saw a narrow shaft of slightly lower light that had a golden tint to it. I had high hopes, thinking that maybe, maybe the 1st of September had brought in the first touch of fall. But then I looked outside my front windows and nope, no gold at all. Just that blinding, glaring, white sunlight of same hot, hot summer.

My son was born on October 3rd and when I entered the hospital it was hot summer, but when we left on October 8th I clearly remember stepping out into an autumn day. So every year I wait for October 8th, hoping I'll see and feel that autumn bit.

I cancelled my therapy session for today. I shouldn't have, but I didn't have much interest in going. So I'm off to the grocery store, then to spend some time with the book business.

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Originally Posted by Sunflower123 You are so kind to me and so supportive. I really appreciate you.

You betcha, kiddo

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Originally Posted by Nammu I wasn’t planning on taking any ambien last night but at 3:30am I gave in and took 5 mg. To my surprise I fell right to sleep! Slept till 9 am. Cool but a bit disturbing dreams. It’s looking like the pdoc was right. I do need the ambien to sleep. He did say that once my sleep was regulated we could look into decreasing the AP. I’m of two minds on that, I want to quit because I know I will lose weight, but I am scared of losing my stability. I got responsibilities and can’t afford to destabilize. But oh I want to lose weight!

I'm so happy to learn that you slept! Haha, I had a dream about the little "bouquet of flowers" icon here on the forum. So funny

Ahh, the AP thing is such a frustration. When I went off Seroquel (the low dose, just for sleep) I had lost 20 lbs. within 5 weeks. Now I'm back to taking between 25 - 50mg of Seroquel for sleep and even at that small dose I'm craving sugar. I'm quite sure I've gained weight already.

I do agree with your pdoc about regulating sleep, then decreasing your AP.

I'm not doing the greatest today physically. I weighed myself this morning and at first I was 3 pounds less then yesterday. And I was like "no way, if thats right I gotta see a doctor." So I weighed myself again and I was 2 pounds less then yesterday. Still not excatly a good thing. I finished off the eggs and then had a Coke for breakfast. I got a couple things from Sonic. I'm trying really hard to up my calories. This heat is getting to me man. I was on my way to see my pdoc and I was watching something that I needed subtitles and I was in the back seat and that caused motion sickness and then add on top of that the heat and I felt so queasy. I took a valium and an Advil before I saw my pdoc. He mentioned my weight loss and that it looks like I've lost a lot. I said my therapist had told me I looked too thin. He said he disagrees with her and according to the BMI I am normal and its perfectly fine to be on the slender side. He doesn't want me to lose anymore though. I'm trying to eat more but with all these possible allergies and enviromental factors its been just tough. My appointment today though was a bit odd. He was just like so business like. like he was checking off a list of basic pdoc questions. It was just very phoned in. Normally our sessions are more personable. I had my mom in with me though which I don't normally so maybe he didn't want to say too much in front of her. Plus he did say he could see a good change in me because of the Prestiq and knew the other stuff I am dealing with is medical. So I guess it went well. I am back at the hotel with the AC on high and it feels so good. I'll have to figure out if I want to go out to dinner and back in the heat or just stay here. I stopped at a grocery store and got some applesauce and cotton candy sparkling water

Preheat 375

Dry pork chops with paper towels

Rub olive oil on

Coat with mixture ( brown sugar, paprika, garlic powder, Italian seasoning, salt and pepper, the recipe I had didn’t say how much so I just winged it) I had rather a thick coating

Bake in dish for 20 minutes

Both times they came out delicious 😋

Well this morning I wrote a day in the life of....me. After learning that my h didn't get all the pieces I dropped about why the Service Dog was important to me. He read it and was floored my daily struggle. He says he didn't realize and insists my team doesn't know my struggles. He wants me to put my physical limitations in too. And share it at least with my T. I don't know how much it'll help since I'm leaving in 3 weeks. It feels weird to write it all down I feel so broken even on medication. He's fully in my corner about the Service dog. He said I've been giving him puzzle pieces without the full picture. That I need to sit him down and explain everything when it's important. He just didn't get it. He didn't realize I was working on my independents it'll just look different than others. He didn't realize I struggle so bad. So now I have to add my physical stuff. This is not fun and it makes me feel useless.

Well Tuesday we went to register this beater truck and it was ungodly hot. Steve tried to add Freon so the AC might work but nope. So windows down it is.

Well I was in a raging mindset due to the heat but also having to keep the windows down I cancelled my appt with Richard yesterday and I’ll see him in 2 weeks.

Now that my eye healed I will get back to job hunting next week. I’m more desperate for money than I already was.

Things could be better but I didn’t forever lose my eyesight and we at least had a vehicle that gets us back and forth to town.

Hope everyone is having a good evening

Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk

I’m not safe tonight. I will pull out my bag of tricks and take evasive measures. Really, really down about several things. I feel so alone with nowhere to turn. I don’t exactly have a supportive family. I have a mom with dementia, a sister who attacks me every chance she gets and a daughter who judges me more often than not. True, I have a great therapist, supportive friends and you wonderful folks here. That may be what gets me through the night. I’m going to try to relax with a good movie and sleep it off. It seems hopeless right now and I feel defeated. What’s the point really?

Sunflower, remember there is the new 988 number you can text or call for someone to talk to. You can "talk" here as much as you want of course but that is someone more in the moment with you.

I hope you feel better soon.

Sunflower123, I am sorry you're feeling crappy. I agree: 988 is a good idea. And so is watching a good movie and trying to sleep it off. Night time is the worst time to have these feelings. (I should really learn to shut myself down because I have a history of negativity and making rash decisions at night.) I hope you enjoy your movie! 🍿

It makes me sad knowing you feel so defeated, @Sunflower123. You've been an inspiration to me, knowing how you've dealt with family difficulties in the past. When the world was coming down around you, you always managed to float, or find some other diversion to escape for a while. It's natural, though, that you're hitting the wall now after all you've been dealing with the past several months. I wish you could simplify your life without being made to feel guilty. You've been asked to bear more BS than many people could have dealt with. I hope you can see your way free to find some freedom and happiness.

Today was a day of rude people. I wasn't on the floor 30 seconds before I had a woman thinking if she commanded me to fix her phone, it would be done to her liking. Long story short, it was an unforced error on her part, that she'll naturally never ever admit to and she came that close to causing a scene.

The next one did cause a scene. He was dealing with a company that I have no incentive to work with and if I'm honest, one that I compete with. I took him on to stop him being rude and abusive to the other rep. In an "amazing" comedy of errors, I finish the task, move to put in the SIM card (that would soon have his phone number and phone service) into his phone... and promptly dropped it into a crevice that would require me taking apart a display to get to. Every step I took going forward was stonewalled which inflated the time I spent with him (which was supposed to be in service of making him go away) to nearly three hours. Oh, and he was still a rude SOB to everyone around him, but I couldn't exactly tell him to buzz off because of how screwed up the situation became. I mean, leaving him mid-issue would have cost much more that what it already cost. Which was $75. On a phone I had no business working with. That I took over as a good deed.

I did sell five phones today, which is about normal for me, and my new phone (work app login issues aside) served me well.

On my way home, my parents called to offer me dinner. On the one hand, free food! But on the other, my dad (who cooked it) has been more unreservedly generous in the two weeks since I've found employment than he was the past six months. I heard how much I was a burden to him when I didn't have a job, and now that I do, he's practically throwing stuff at me (mainly food, but other practicals as well).

I really hope my second good deed in a week doesn't come back to bite me. Well, snack, meds, bit of web surfing here, and bed.

Hi Beth, it might be an idea to fill your closet or refrigerator with things to eat without sugar. Raw carrots are very helpful. I know because I am a diabetic.

We all have our moments. What seems black and white this night may seem better tomorrow or in a couple of weeks. I am out of real support as well. My family has always helped with practical "things", but never with emotional things. Old friends have died (naturally) and it is not easy to get new close ones.

You believe in God Jen, and that means that your life has a purpose even if you don't see it now. Life is so. It never comes with a guarantee about perfect living conditions. The only thing we owe God is to live as best we can with our inner and outer obstacles. Don't give in Jen (Sunflower)!!!

"And we have known and believed the love that God hath to us. God is love; and he that dwelleth in love dwelleth in God, and God in him". 1 John 4-16

Hope to see you here tomorrow! Take care!

Sending hugs
There's always hope. You don't have it easy by any means, but I believe you have such challenges because you have the capacity to challenge and overcome them. You'll get through this even stronger than you were before. Feel free to post as much as you want here, we've got your back!

Started the new thread. If someone could post the link, thank you 🙏

Here's the link to the new thread: Bipolar check-in #69