Bipolar check-in #68

I am so happy for you @Aurelius710! I hope you feel very, very proud of yourself, because you deserve to.

I'm finding it incredibly difficult to not use right now. This comedown sucks. Super tired but can't sleep, depressed, anxious, still paranoid, etcetera etcetera. I really miss the person I used to be. I need that back.

On the plus side it's great to see Bean, Lu, and Bo again. Bean's being a vocal little bastard right now. Bean is so much like how I used to be it's not funny. We call him my son lol.

Hi MuddyBoots. I'm sorry to read that you are struggling with wanting to use. I know how hard that can be, as many in my family (including me) had some alcohol abuse issues. A suggestion that comes to my mind is to reach out for something pleasant that reminds you of a better time in your life. Not sure what that would be for you, but I gravitate to music from the 70s and 80s and classical music and baking.

Thanks, Soupe. I have a few ideas.

Hubby and I are heading to Prague later this week for business relating to the property I've mentioned. Since we'll get there early with time for lunch, I suggested we invite my husband's older nephew to join us, if he's not working. He lives in Prague and works only some days. Initially, Hubby rejected the idea stating that "He never accepts and always makes an excuse", but I still think we should make the offer. The thought still counts. This nephew, in my opinion, has always been neglected compared to his much favored younger brother. I don't like such favoritism in a family! I also feel for this older nephew as he has BPD. As a major feature of BPD is fear of abandonment, his being sort of abandoned as a young teen didn't help. Hubby doesn't look at what I'm referring to as "abandonment", but I do.

I’ve not posted in a few days because I’ve been withdrawing from everybody and everything. I noticed all the red flags of depression but didn’t feel depressed. It finally hit. I’ve been numb and haven’t cared about anything in about 2 weeks now. Things are falling apart around me and I don’t feel capable of doing anything about it. I’m really scared right now. Trying to be positive and turn it around but I feel totally out of control. It hasn’t been this bad even when brother passed. I don’t know what to do. Totally lost. Please send good thoughts, healing vibes and prayers if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

Hello friends, been awhile since I posted in here. I'm doing well. Been really productive. Today I did laundry, cleaned my entire apartment, and went to my apartment building's coffee social thing today and it's only a little after 10am. I've been like this the past 2 months, being productive, cleaning, exercising, keeping up with hygiene. I haven't been doing this good in years. I start volunteering next Monday.

Had a dentist appointment yesterday, have 2 more then after that I just have to keep up with regular cleanings. Thursday I get my root canal finished then October 6th I get my last filling done

The cats are doing well, here's some recent pictures of miss Mustachio and Maybelle. Here's also a pic of my coffee from the coffee social thing I went to today

Hope everyone has a peaceful day

Your post gave me a smile. I’m so pleased that you are doing so well. May it continue. Your cats are precious.

Oh any time Jennifer! Sending purple sparkly healing vibes your way ✨

Ooo the Devine miss M is getting so big! I’m so happy everything is going good

I'm doing ok today. I'm almost at my vacation destination. I feel really nauseated though and I don't know why. I ate a yogurt this morning and drank a Coke but that was it. I got my weekly shot last night and I got my blood drawn today. I've been super fatigued lately but my anxiety has been good and I got out of the house at 4PM yesterday afternoon to go grocery shopping with zero paranoia which is basically unheard of for me. The prestiq is still going strong. Now if I could only figure out why I feel so physically sick. I even slept until 7AM and I never sleep that late. Well hopefully I can have fun on my trip.

I may post a few times today because it calms me down. I had a therapy session yesterday but have contacted my therapist and she’ll call me at 7:00 PM tomorrow at the end of her day and then again next week. We’ve been texting back and forth. I’ve also got an appointment tomorrow with my med provider. I’ve made a list of simple tasks and am tackling one at a time as I can. I’m trying to get back on an even keel. Working hard at it.

We’ve always had a cat in the house and as sweet as Lizzie is (the Norfolk terrier), we’re missing having a cat. We plan to go to the pet adoption center here tomorrow and scope out cats a year or older. I want a kitten but Lizzie may think it’s a toy. Oh well!

Hugs to all that need them including myself today.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I’ve not posted in a few days because I’ve been withdrawing from everybody and everything. I noticed all the red flags of depression but didn’t feel depressed. It finally hit. I’ve been numb and haven’t cared about anything in about 2 weeks now. Things are falling apart around me and I don’t feel capable of doing anything about it. I’m really scared right now. Trying to be positive and turn it around but I feel totally out of control. It hasn’t been this bad even when brother passed. I don’t know what to do. Totally lost. Please send good thoughts, healing vibes and prayers if you’re so inclined. Thank you.

I am so sorry to hear this, Jennifer. As always, you have my prayers and love. Hang in there. The depression will pass.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I may post a few times today because it calms me down. I had a therapy session yesterday but have contacted my therapist and she’ll call me at 7:00 PM tomorrow at the end of her day and then again next week. We’ve been texting back and forth. I’ve also got an appointment tomorrow with my med provider. I’ve made a list of simple tasks and am tackling one at a time as I can. I’m trying to get back on an even keel. Working hard at it. We’ve always had a cat in the house and as sweet as Lizzie is (the Norfolk terrier), we’re missing having a cat. We plan to go to the pet adoption center here tomorrow and scope out cats a year or older. I want a kitten but Lizzie may think it’s a toy. Oh well! Hugs to all that need them including myself today.

Post and keep posting, sweetpea! Adopting a cat will be such a happy event.

Jennifer, I am so sorry to hear you’re feeling so down. It really is a terrible place to be. Post as much as you want when you want. We all need extra support sometimes! I’m sending you all the healing vibes I can!

I feel soooooooooo good!

I've been allowing myself to procrastinate on housework for about ten days and living in chaos. I have to rest before i can tackle things so that makes it a long project. I finally got tired of resting today and made excellent progress!

I even cooked! Rice and beans -- so affordable!

I feel so good for breaking that darn impasse with my housework. My kitchen was a wreck. But in 90 minutes i had it put back together and managed two loads of laundry also. There's a lot more to be done, but my home is in working order again and i am so pleased.

I was worried i would have to cancel social events i have planned for tomorrow and the next day and stay home and rest so i am relieved that i have made enough progress with my housework to allow myself to go to them. I'll dial my energy-output low and conserve my energy for the balance of my housework.

Tomorrow i may see the man i am interested in. I've got my outfit all planned. We don't have any commitment to each other tho. We just see each other at my drop-in. If he shows up at the same time as last week when we saw each other i will take it as a good sign.

I thought of asking for his email, as that's the least intrusive way we can keep in touch, but i don't think i will. I'll wait for him to make a move. Guys are flattered if a woman takes the lead but i've read that it doesn't arouse their masculinity so i will just show up attractively dressed and be pleasant and if he does not make a move, that's that.

I visited my grandma today for the first time since July 4th. It was so nice to sit and talk to her! She never judges me, i was able to speak about my previous episode with nothing but love and acceptance from her. I will be crushed when she passes but that’s why I spend as much time with her I can.

I meant to go to the gym but I just got so caught up talking that I ran out of time! My back is screaming at me now. It seems like for right now at least I need to go walk on the treadmill every day that I can.

I was also reminded by my group that although I’ve been feeling alone and friendless IRL I have so many friends here to turn to when things get rough. So I thank each and every one of you for supporting me these last ten years. Members have come and gone but when someone leaves another slides into their spot. You have all been so nice and non-judge mental that I know I can say anything (as long as it’s not too triggering or offensive of course) and I will be supported as needed. I hope I do the same for everyone here!

Sending love and healing to those that need them today and every day!

I’m dreading tonight. Sunday night was horrible but last night I got a few hours during night time which was good but that probably means no sleep tonight and it’s aqua fitness tomorrow morning. 8 more days before I see the pdoc.

I love the photos @Blue_Bird. Maybelle looks like she's enjoying her own mug of coffee. Miss M. has grown to be a BIG cat!

I'm delighted to hear that you're doing so well. I'll be excited to hear about your volunteering as you start it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by wildflowerchild25 I visited my grandma today for the first time since July 4th. It was so nice to sit and talk to her! She never judges me, i was able to speak about my previous episode with nothing but love and acceptance from her. I will be crushed when she passes but that’s why I spend as much time with her I can. I meant to go to the gym but I just got so caught up talking that I ran out of time! My back is screaming at me now. It seems like for right now at least I need to go walk on the treadmill every day that I can. I was also reminded by my group that although I’ve been feeling alone and friendless IRL I have so many friends here to turn to when things get rough. So I thank each and every one of you for supporting me these last ten years. Members have come and gone but when someone leaves another slides into their spot. You have all been so nice and non-judge mental that I know I can say anything (as long as it’s not too triggering or offensive of course) and I will be supported as needed. I hope I do the same for everyone here! Sending love and healing to those that need them today and every day!

How absolutely wonderful that you have a grandma like yours. My gentle grandma lived in NYC and died when I was 8, so I didn't know her well. But my sisters had grown up near her and loved her very much. The grandmother I knew, here in Calif, was admirable and I will say that she was always kind to me. But not a warm woman. She lived to be over 100 years of age.

Well, you can say anything you know...even if it's triggering, with the trigger icon. I wouldn't want you to hold anything back. Geez, I can't imagine you saying anything that would offend anyone.

I am happy and honored to be your friend, wfc

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Originally Posted by Nammu I’m dreading tonight. Sunday night was horrible but last night I got a few hours during night time which was good but that probably means no sleep tonight and it’s aqua fitness tomorrow morning. 8 more days before I see the pdoc.

Oh, hun. My heart goes out to you. And you have to wait those 8 days? Can't see him sooner?

I stepped outside with my laundry basket and whop, heat like the devil hit me. When the days are so terribly hot and the nights never really cool down it gets so one day runs into the next and so on until there seems to be just one long, run-on blah summer and I lose motivation. It's almost like depression. I didn't even skate today. When I don't skate I tend to get achy. I will stretch and skate tomorrow, for sure.

Even with the cost of it I should leave the a/c on overnight, just so I sleep better, but I won't, I'll open the windows so the kitties can look out and breathe some air, and I can hear the night bugs and have some kind of a sense that the night is different than the day.

Yesterday my husband's nephew responded to our lunch invitation with the equivalent of a "maybe". Sadly, that's how he often replies. We have so much stress right now that we have no room for such responses. I suggested to Hubby to respond and tell him that and that we'll try to meet up with him some other day. It seems to us that many people (particularly young), more and more, give such responses. It's a very bad trend, in our view.

Hubby is so stressed today that he's just sleeping. The clock is ticking before we must make a decision on some things. It would be easier if we didn't have so much stuff to move with us. This "stuff" is like an albatross around our necks. I hope Hubby outlives me, because if he doesn't, I'll have a hell of a job getting rid of most of the stuff. His stuff. Or, maybe I'll just run away with a few suitcases and let people ransack what's left.

My brother has had heart issues for a few years now. It's notably weakened him, psychologically. My sister said he's again dealing with Afib. I sent him a brief email wishing him well. The briefer the more likely he responds. I am worried about the dude because of many things. I also fear that someday when our father passes, the challenges of such events will be exacerbated by issues pertaining to our brother. I won't go into them, but why must everything be so challenging?

I am doing so well with the prestiq. I am am having legit conversations with family members I'd normally just say one word answers to. My mom me and my aunt and her husband got into a heated came of bean bag toss. I never used to wanted to do that stuff. My mom and I stopped at a Dollar General and I had no issues with paranoia or anything.

Its just, the prestiq is really wrecking my stomach and causing fatigue. I barely ate yesterday and I fell asleep at 6 before people had eaten dinner and I slept until 5:09AM I didn't even drink the Slim Fast my mom left out for me. I didn't take any melatonin for once and slept over 10 hours on zero food and no weighted blanket. I almost collasped while playing bean bag toss but everyone was so into it and I kinda was to I couldn't say I wanted to stop.

So its like the prestiq works amazing for my mental health but destroys my physical health....

I'm up earlier than I intended, but it's not a bad time. I leave for work (First shift!) in a couple of hours, so I have some time to shave, cook breakfast, and even a little lunch for work. My belated spring cleaning has yielded three lunch boxes and sandwich bags galore, so this is the perfect time to use one!

I have a phone call with the SSI lawyers to see how current events (new job) affects us going forward. Also, I get to keep going forward with spring cleaning. I'm in my living room now. Progress is being made, slowly but surely.

The "Ususal Suspects" decided to make their presence known after I had the temerity to go about my day yesterday without picking up the phone. Seven calls in three hours from the two men over.... food. I was to make a delivery (One I agreed to do) and because of... I don't know, I get... this. One even threatened to call the police (Welfare check, I guess? I deleted the text as soon as I saw it.) over me not calling him. Over food.

I made a point to "freak out" and ask "Did somebody die!?!?", "Is someone in the hospital?!?!", "Did WWIII start and I didn't pay attention?!?", that sort of thing. When they inevitably got to "food delivery," I let them have it, implying (among other things) that they're in restraining order/no contact order territory. They actually got offended and seriously argued that me not picking up the phone and delivering a baked potato was on par with "death and dismemberment" as an urgent issue.

It's like the Boy Who Cried Wolf getting a cell phone. They can call 10 times in an hour if they want, but I'm not going to answer the phone any faster. Everything they're calling about is urgent, therefore nothing they're calling about is urgent and I'll react accordingly. It's a testament to how toxic these two are that I had to change my phone's ringtones because I was having visceral reactions to the sounds of anyone calling or texting, because THEY might be calling or texting.

Today is a good day, regardless of what happened yesterday. Today will be a good day. I've got some podcasts and music to listen to to and from work, I'll be able to fix some lunch, and can continue on the house.