Bipolar check-in #68

I am SO afraid I’ve wrecked my back again. My right side is killing me in the AM. Nerve pain. Like I slipped another disk, or probably the same disk I had surgery on. They repaired it, but my Dr said I would likely need spinal fusion surgery in the future. He said ten years though! It’s only been three since my first surgery. Spinal fusion is serious stuff. I’ll be basically disabled for a week or two and then spend 12 weeks in recovery. I don’t want that to happen with my new job. I don’t want to go in and then have to go straight on disability for three months!

I should be on RS’s insurance soon though. So I can go back to the dr and maybe get another cortisone shot in my nerve. That basically solved the problem in my left side for now.

I think walking will help and if I lose the weight I’ve gained then I might be more comfortable. That will involve eating better. My first priority is to stop bingeing. I’ve been on the right track for a couple of days so far. Just gotta not give up even if I slip a day.

My other issue is sleep. I’ve been taking 75mg of seroquel because I couldn’t sleep on 50mg but it is SO HARD to wake up and even stay awake. Fell asleep in the last group for like half an hour. There’s only two weeks til school starts. I gotta work something out.

My mom has some good sayings!

That won't happen. We dated 18+ years ago and didn't fall in love back then. That's all in the past now, I'm afraid.

Do you think that maybe your sweats have to do with your hysterectomy? I'm at the beginning of perimenopause and get night sweats where the colars of my night shirts are soaked when I wake up.

I'm catching myself hating myself for not going to the gym. Every night I say to myself that I'll go tomorrow but then I don't. Like today I wore yesterday's clothes because all my summer clothes were dirty so I had to do my laundry which always eats an hour-and-a-half hole in my afternoon. The gym is open 24/7 so I really have no excuse. Some days I go to Starbucks and think "I'll go after I'm done here" but then I'll realize that I wore my flip flops and you can't really wear those on a treadmill. What is WRONG with me? I used to enjoy walking. And they have TV's so you're not bored! And my workout bag is in the car all ready to go!

I talked with my dad yesterday for his birthday- he turned 75. We only talked for 5 minutes though. He was out with my sister and her family and one of my sister's friends and eating noodles as we talked. He seemed disappointed with our conversation as he said basically that he was going to go back to the conversation with the people he was with as our conversation had dwindled. *Sigh*. What could I say? "Hey Dad, why don't you stop being a jerk to everybody!"?

Today was... OK. It's my supervisor's (who I found out was actually my supervisor's supervisor) last day training me, which was fine by me. She was starting to grate on me. We found the deficits in my knowledge base and training which were worked. That's not the issue, and my supervisor even chalked it up to it being my second day, but highly encouraged me review the material. Fair enough.

My issue was with her being simultaneously hypervigilant and obtuse. She would catch on to every figure of speech or metaphor I used, but (Intentionally, it felt like.) refused to treat them as such, asking me to elaborate and explain what I meant EVERY SINGLE TIME. There was a doctor I had one time I was inpatient that very much had the same MO. It's like they were daring you to get overtly annoyed with them so they can bring the hammer down and make you face consequences.

Speaking of consequences, the paperwork for my unemployment appeal came in today. My former employer included forty-five pages of documents to try and justify my termination. I looked through some of it. There's information going back a year that they're trying to sneak in. If I had a 45 page disciplinary file, why did they keep me around? Corporate legal BS. As much as I want to fight them to the bitter end on this (and I'm already quite happy I forced someone to create a freaking dossier of lies on me), I dont have the energy to pursue this anymore. I have a job, I'm exploring disability and as annoying as my family (and family dynamic) is, they still have some willingness to help.

One thing I'm not going to do again is skip breakfast! I nearly fainted on the sales floor and saved myself by taking what amounted to a gummy version of a glucose tablet and some water. Being on lithium probably didn't help the situation either!

One thing that did help was taking my PRN (Abilify) before my shift. It helped take some of the edge off of new job jitters and kept my interactions with my intentionally obtuse boss from going completely off the rails.

I've got some fish and fish breading, courtesy of the family. I think a fish fry tonight for some lunch tomorrow seems like an excellent idea!

I found Overeaters Anonymous helpful. There are lots of Zoom meetings on oa.org. I see a registered dietician for the food aspect, but I liked the 12 steps and emotional support.

I am so, so sorry to hear about your back @wildflowerchild25. And how rotten about the nail polish remover! Gack.

As for Cheeto, what about a lion shave? Years ago we had a cat, sweetest kitty named Skyler. His fur was long so every summer he got a lion shave. He was so much happier being cool and he looked adorable.

Quote:

Originally Posted by unlived Do you live in a single storey place or in a block of units up high? Just wondering coz I’d be too scared to leave my windows open at night and I live in a country town where it’s meant to be safe. I always turn my aircon on for a while before bed to cool it down and then sleep with the fan on. Wish electricity was cheap enough so we could all sleep with the aircon on! I hope it cools down for you soon!

Oh, haha, I was raised by New Yorker's (as in NYC) I'm paranoid as fu*k. I live on the second storey. My front windows face a walkway (outdoor). So I leave them open only a few inches and lock them in place with a certain type of device that locks hard. At least the cats can stick their noses against the screens and breathe some night air. I'm still nervous, but I just have to be reasonable with myself.

Thankfully, my bathroom and bedroom windows are way up high. No one would be able to reach them without a ladder and there's a high iron fence around the back of the building. So I can safely leave those open. Then I use fans overnight.

Thank you for asking, unlived

And thank you for the Vegemite suggestion! A store just near me does sell it, and of course, Amazon. I've never tried it, but would like to.

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Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 I got the trash out this morning and I’m about to head to the pool. It’s a start. I feel somewhat better. If I try to stay active today, I might be alright. I had a good session with my therapist last night. She really opened my eyes to a few things. I do struggle with depression/bipolar disorder and I have since I was very young. No matter how much I build up my mind, I may have to accept that I’ll have bouts of depression for as long as I live. I can learn to manage it better but I need to accept facts. I may not completely fix it. It’s not realistic that I’ll never be depressed again - particularly after something like my recent loss. Oddly, that helped me feel better and stop beating up on myself for being down. I hope everyone has a peaceful day. Thank you for the support.

I was thinking about you all day today, and wanted to get here much earlier.

Your therapist has an excellent perspective. It seems to me that just this summer I have been finally accepting the reality of my mental illness. There is a strange, but very real peace to the acceptance, I find.

That seems to be good.

I missed you all today. I had too much to do (or I just did too much), including having to go to the bank because my account was hacked again. Less than a month ago someone in Arkansas put a $200 charge on my account. Had to get a new bank card. Today there was a charge from Mexico. Another new card.

I thought that as long as I had to be out I'd do some other stuff. Then I got overheated. My usual I won't pay attention to the heat (105 degrees) - and suddenly I'm feeling very odd and unwell and like I'm being baked alive. I thought I saw blue water bottle lids lying on the floor of my car. The type of hallucination that come from being overheated.

I came home into the cooler air and felt like I wasn't going to die, but I also didn't feel good, and I still don't. I do believe I have drunk 3 gallons of water, orange juice, and La Croix in the past 6 hours. I'm going to sit in bed and read with the fan on me. I heard a rumor that we'll be getting a breeze blowing in from the coast tonight. What a blessing that would be. Although tomorrow will again be over 100.

Love to each

How are you @buddha1too?

I am starting to do better, pulling out of my tailspin. My job is OK and does not require me to be mentally all there. Some days it is all I can do just to go through the motions.

I have my doctor appointment coming sion for a second opinion. I damaged my shoulder in an e-scooter accident a couple months ago. I tore up my rotator cuff. The original doctor wants to replace my shoulder. Not if I can help it!

My daughter has turned out to be one who lies, steals, and cheats me. She is very unreliable, and very untrustworthy. I do not see this changing any time soon. This is very depressing! I do not know what I did wrong, bit I still can see where I could of been a better father to her. She even was caught stealing at the store I work at.

I’m
Getting busy really quick! At work i facilitate two WRAP groups and see peers individually for peer counseling. I start my field practicum Tuesday. It’s basically an internship. Then
I’m taking two classes. And I still have my granny and my boyfriend to tend to. I’m scared the stress will win. I need my stability.

I got my car back. Saw my peer support person. Lied a little bit (she asked if I had used any substances lately and I just said my memory is fuzzy but I don’t think so). We’re starting WRAP. She wants me to get into the DBT group. NA was alright. I’ve logically got step 1 down but in my bones I feel like I can control myself although gh it’s pretty obvious I can’t. I keep thinking of this song that popped up on Spotify a while back that’s about heroin addiction and has a line that goes “just a quick fix then I’ll get clean” and that’s how it is. I’m impulsive. I see an opportunity without much effort and I take it. I know what I did was serious **** and at this point any day could be my last because it’s true. I am powerless with an illusion of control.

I’m super depressed and ashamed. Not sure if it’s still the meth comedown or if it’s the mania crash but either way I’m not well. I went up to 50mg of Lamictal this morning. I talked to a friend that knows my situation pretty well and she doesn’t think I can make it to my next pdoc appointment. I don’t know. I feel like I’ve become accustomed to white knuckles. My hands are numb at this point.

Off on my 1.5 hour drive.

edit: And now I feel like I just injected God!

edit 2: and that feeling has passed and I want to punch a hole through a titanium wall

Muddy boots I think wrap will be great for you!
I facilitate wrap groups every week

Ohh yi yi. Had an intense demon religious dream that woke me up. I did fall back to sleep and did lucid dreaming by putting trump into the bad guy role. He was defeated so the ending was good but gosh. I grew up going to Sunday school and so religious superstition is terrifying to me. So I did sleep last night but short and terrified sleep. When I woke up at 8:30 I turned over and thought about other things so the dream receded further.

Yesterday I had to get up at 6am for a 7am hearing aid cleaning appointment. So I was dragging all day yesterday. I had just managed to sleep just before the alarm went off. Took mum to her bank then to the cable office to get her registered for auto pay. Then we stopped at Culver’s for a flavor of the day sundae.

I am sitting here feeling fat but very refreshed because I have the fan blowing on me after a shower after going to the gym! I did half an hour at a pretty brisk walking pace while watching Friends. Got all sweaty! The exercise energized me. If I can keep this up that would be great. 😃

Injected God! What a great way to put it.

It is hard at first but the 12 steps and support helped me a lot. My drug of choice is food, but I am familiar with addiction and impulsivity.

We had a fun fitness class. last week the instructor had a 60 day challenge and part of it was to take photos of things that inspired you. A few of us did that and then others just talked about something recently that inspired them. There was only 6 people today so it was fun. Music seemed to be the most inspiring for most of the folks. I took a screen shot of Michelangelo’s statues, my cat, a close up of a rose, a sunset and added a shot of mum, my daughter and granddaughter.

But shopping ugh, I’ve been putting it off and the list gets longer and the less I want to do it. So I sent the list to aisle online and I pick it up tomorrow. Tonight maybe pancakes? I have everything for that, maybe? But all in all I’m feeling more energetic after fitness

Nice to see you! It’s been awhile. I am sorry about your daughter. Honestly most people assume it’s related to childhood and often it is, but sometimes you just do the best you can and people still turn out to be toxic. Maybe some time away from her is needed? Not a total cutoff forever but maybe a break in communication for awhile, however long it may be.

I’m glad you’re hanging on though in terms of physical and mental health. Jobs where you don’t need to give 100% every day are helpful to us sometimes!

I think it was just the house I was staying at. Near a lake with no AC on and all the doors and windows open. I am at home now and I am back to my normal cold self.

@HALLIEBETH87

I’m kinda in your shoes. I’m not doing nearly as much as you are but I am starting a full time school job in two weeks. I haven’t worked full time since Feb 25. Been in partial/IOP since then with a couple of hospital stays during. I totally lost it at the end of July for the same reason, I took on too much.

So what I’m going to do is put up a list of coping skills that work well for me, things that I can do just at home and some I can sneak in at work without looking weird. I’m trying to get into meditation but it is hard when CR is up in his room screaming with his “boys” on discord lol. But the wind down at night has been very helpful, as has the walking at the gym. I don’t know if this will help you but it’s worth a shot. I have the headspace app which is pretty expensive but I think there’s some headspace sessions available on Netflix if you have it.

Also, keep writing down positive affirmations that relate to you, like “it’s going to be ok” and “this is definitely worth it” or something like that. I find actually writing them a few times helps me internalize them.

I believe in you, you’ve been doing fantastic for a very long time! You can totally do this and if you find it’s too much then maybe you can drop something just for now.

Guys it's really bad right now I don't know what to do I'm freaking the fcck out anad I think I'm dead but I'm not I'm more alive than ever and teh guy is watching me Every turn. If something is green that means it's every color BUT green and that's how you gotta live your life if you're safe you're not safe and if you're not safe you're safe. And right now I am safe which means holy fcck is my heart racing why do I do this? why does the devil make my decisions for me? I don't want this I really don't I'm going to die and that's okay but this is not and I'm not speaking in code so turn your code detectors off it's the opposite

@MuddyBoots...I understand more than you know. Things can get better; just get through tonight.