Bipolar check-in #68

I'm feeling a lot better today. I think the issue yesterday was that I drank a can of coffee that was more like an energy drink. It probably didn't sit too well with my meds. Now that its out of my system the lightheadness and tunnel vision and floating orbs are gone and I'm in a pretty decent mood. I went to bed last night at 5:45. I woke up at 11PM but I only stayed up until 1. Then I strangely slept until 6:18. I never sleep past 4 anymore. But as I said I feel fine. So I'm guessing yesterday was just the can of coffee. I felt like I did ecasty or schrooms or something though the way I was seeing the floating orbs and how badly I had the munchies and then how I just passed out like that for so long. But since my anxiety has been under control I wasn't anxious or panicking. I was just dealing with it.

Thank you very much @Soupe du jour for your suggestions. I deeply appreciate your research, that you took time and energy for it.

London is my cat with asthma. Sidney is my girl with diabetes. I have three others.

I am familiar with the WRAP program. It's called "ACT" in some locations. (It is WRAP here, however.)

I do not have anyone, no one, who can care for my cats unless I pay the person. i.e., a cat sitter. My husband has mental illness that is severe; he is literally not able to function well enough to care for pets. I have absolutely no other family or friends who live in the town I live in.


My neighbors are all friendly, kindly people. Most of them speak Spanish (they are farm workers) and little or no English. They are from Mexico and are here for part of the year to work. The three neighbors I have who do speak English are mentally ill. On occasion, one woman has been so kind and helped me to take out heavy garbage. But no way are any of those 3 people capable of caring for pets.


I'm sure I could find a vet tech who could pet sit (although that would be extremely stressful for Sidney, as she requires a lot of specialized care, and we are extremely bonded) - but no pet sitter will work without payment. I don't have any ability to pay anyone. My checking account right now is at 71 cents, and that's typical. I do not have a savings account.

David's trust fund (left to him by his parents), which is overseen by his sister, pays my rent. I receive CalFresh (food assistance) and I am on Medicare because I receive disability. I literally, seriously, do not have enough food to eat throughout the month. I make do.

The amount of disability I receive pays for my internet, for my gas/electric, and for cat food (an expensive diabetic diet for all cats) and litter. Occasionally, I purchase things for myself - like my roller skates. Those kinds of purchases are rare. The last time I had $20 to see a movie was on my birthday in December. Gas here hovers around $6/gallon. My car, a 2002 Saturn Vue, has not held higher than 1/4 tank for months. I simply cannot afford to put more gas in the car; I keep just enough in it to get to medical appointments and to the grocery store nearby.

David is waiting to find out if he has been approved for 100% veteran's disability. We certainly expect that he will be approved - but it could be several months before he has a decision. Right now, he lives on social security and 50% veteran's disability. Thankfully, he lives at no cost in the home that once belonged to his parents and is now owned by his niece.

David's sister considers my cats "luxuries." She would prefer that I give them away because of the expense of feeding them. No way will she release trust fund money for a cat sitter.

David and his family believe, on NO uncertain terms, that mental illness is a weakness that MUST be controlled by strength of will and by prayer. David's mental illness is out of control because he refuses any type of medical treatment (he also refuses medical treatment for physical needs). David does not approve of me being on medication.

My daughter lives in NYC and refuses to communicate with me, regardless of circumstances. My son lives in San Fran; not so far away, but he works his rear end off to pay for the lifestyle he has chosen, which is an admirable one, but at this point he does not have much time or money to give to me. Facebook messages and an occasional phone call are about it. I actually see him roughly once/year.

A caring "cat person" on this forum set up a donation situation (not connected here) for London so he could receive asthma care from the vet.

Without my cats I would not have much reason to remain in this world.

I consider you a dear, special person and a true friend. Please, understand that I have absolutely no way to pay for a pet sitter. Please stop suggesting it, because it just causes me to stress out. I need to be able to be entirely open and honest here - I know I need to be IP, but it is not possible. Hopefully, the lithium will help after a bit of time. BIG hug~

Oh - David and I do run the book business, which we have done for 14 years. It is mostly something that keeps him occupied and gives him "something to do." For many years that business gave us a bit of helpful income (about $500/month, averaged out). Unfortunately, these really tough economic times have hit us hard. People don't purchase books when they can't afford food. So right now we're pulling in about $200/month from the book business. That money pays for car insurance and roadside assistance. (btw, David does not have a cell phone at all and mine is a POS government-issued phone. So we don't have any expense there.)

Thank you for sharing your situation. It touched me deeply. I wanted to show my support and caring for you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out as often as you need so we can help you through this. Many gentle hugs and supportive vibes.

Hello again everyone!

It's me, Jane, formerly whatever2013.

It's so good to see you all again!

I had my yearly manic episode during this Spring and Summer-to-date. I had tons of fun and lots of adventures. I met many people, even a former Black Panther! But i did a lot of foolish online shopping and started a shoe collection that was silly as my feet take special shoes and i only wear one single pair and those are sparkly Crocs i bought in person at Nordstrom. I figure i will consign the collection next Spring and try and recoup some of my investment.

I even had a romance with a younger man in June, young enough to be my son! He really pursued me and it was great for my ego! I broke it off as i feel i am better off on my own but it was heady days and i have great memories.

My depression is starting to creep back in and my boundless energy has evaporated. I keep waking up far too early and morning is the worst time of day for me. It just seems endless and indeed, when i wake up at 5:00am it's eight hours til 1:00pm and the time is long. I used to be able to sleep away the day while depressed, but that's not possible any more due to age (55) and / or reduced meds. I relax and enjoy my home as best i can and rest for hours (without sleeping).

I had COVID and that put the brakes on my mania nicely. I was getting tired of it. I just had mild symptoms of COVID. I made a full recovery with ease.

I was unaccountably kind to people in my drop-in while manic and got told i have a heart of gold! I even gave an anonymous gift of food to the former Black Panther when he talked about going hungry. But i was aghast later to hear him talk very negatively about homeless people and thought perhaps i had been hasty in my generosity. It was very discouraging and i have decided not to return to my drop-in for that reason and also i don't have the energy anymore with my depression. I just feel uneasy about being so kind to him when he's so ignorant and also upset with myself for being such a bad judge of character.

But i guess it's never a mistake to be kind and if the results were unexpected i just have to accept it. I didn't give the gift with any strings attached or even expect any credit for it. Maybe he will remember the generosity at some point in the future and realize it's evidence that there IS good in the world. I know when i was in crisis in the late nineties and i asked someone for a quarter for the phone and they gave me ten dollars, i never forgot it.

Looking forward to catching up with you all!

@Jennifer 1967:

I really enjoyed coloring my hair turquoise for this manic episode. A new 'do can really lift one's spirits!

@Soupe du jour:

It seems you are on the move again! I haven't read far enough back in the thread to see WHERE you are moving so i will stay tuned with baited breath for more news!

Less than three days until my first appointment with my new pdoc and I am dreading it. It's a telehealth appointment. I already have a bad taste in my mouth of her after instructions she gave to my fss worker last week (I mean this was because of my former NP's fk up so I am trying to keep an open mind). I think I'm gonna quit ACT if it doesn't go well and find a pdoc that takes Medicaid outside of the CMHC. F**k therapy, case management, FSS, and "supportive employment" (who I have been told I'm getting hooked up with since day one but I have not heard a word from whomever is in charge).

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jennifer 1967 Thank you for sharing your situation. It touched me deeply. I wanted to show my support and caring for you. Please don’t hesitate to reach out as often as you need so we can help you through this. Many gentle hugs and supportive vibes.

Oh, Jennifer. You are a blessing in my life. Thank you - and I am always here for you, too. Always.

Last night was pretty much a wash. I read until early morning, then tossed and turned for for hours. I’d guess it was close to or after 5 am when I finally slept. Had more dreams of being in a bad spot episode wise. It seems like ever since I started thinking seriously of stopping my latuda that I’ve been having hospital dreams or dreams in which things are falling apart. Last night or rather this morning my dreams were of a drop in center. It was rather a cool drop in center for MI. It was in a previous store so it was this one enormous room that was portion off into different areas. One area was for playing video games, several for groups in a circle, one area with tables and snacks that looked a lot like what the Red Cross sets up. Are these dreams a premonition or just fears?

@Nammu I think there is some value to try to analyze our dreams, I think they are fear dreams. just my thoughts.
bizi

So, that financial pressure valve came through. I was able to get gas in the car and phone service back up for the next two months! I'm absolutely thrilled! I can leave town and (hopefully) salvage this ridiculous onboarding situation in the morning, among other things.

The other things? My family is likely to come through on the bills for the house! In true "What about this?" fashion, they're concerned about the one bill I don't need immediate help on, but I'm confident I can convince them to distribute the assistance in a more immediately useful manner.

I also have a chance to get some supplies to attempt a stopgap measure on the damaged pipe that keeps breaking before the water gets turned back on. If I can get some useful time without a water issue, I can start addressing the problems that that pipe caused.

Finally, phone calls and appointments. I've got to chat with the onboarding people, of course. Also, applied for a local job at a sub shop and I want to touch base with them.

Social Security apparently doesn't have a (necessary) form I sent them and are threatening a summary ruling against me if it doesn't turn up. I get to talk to the lawyers I'm working with on that one.

I also have to pay the bug people their $100 bill before they cancel my account and charge me $350.

Finally, I'm supposed to meet with my PsychNP tomorrow at high noon tomorrow. I'm definitely going to have to reschedule that one!

I absolutely certain I'm missing something. If I know which way is up by this time tomorrow, it will be a good day!

I looove WRAP!!!!
I’m wrap certified and co-facilitate wrap groups each week. I also have my own. I love wrap group! We just celebrated the end of wrap for the individuals last week. We start a new in two weeks!

I will support myself today by…..

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Less than three days until my first appointment with my new pdoc and I am dreading it. It's a telehealth appointment. I already have a bad taste in my mouth of her after instructions she gave to my fss worker last week (I mean this was because of my former NP's fk up so I am trying to keep an open mind). I think I'm gonna quit ACT if it doesn't go well and find a pdoc that takes Medicaid outside of the CMHC. F**k therapy, case management, FSS, and "supportive employment" (who I have been told I'm getting hooked up with since day one but I have not heard a word from whomever is in charge).

Boots, what exactly does case management do?

Make snide comments that make me want to do all the drugs and watch my neighbor's dog.

You guys. - I misjudged a driving maneuver and crunched my car! I went out to eat with two old friends and the way out of the parking lot was steeper than I thought and I heard a big "crunch"! I drove it down the street and pulled over into a Wendy's parking lot and had a look . The front bumper is cracked but underneath the car looked fine so I thought I'd lucked out. But, I drove down the road a little more and something didn't feel right so I pulled in next to this daycare center. Had a second look. My left front tire was bent! Well the wheel was and the tire looked a little low. So my mom's husband (my step dad) drove the 10 miles to where I was. Looked it over and decided that I could drive it home with him following me all the way. The speed limit was 45 or 50 and I was so nervous but I had to keep my wits about me so nothing WORSE happened! We made it to my place and he said he'd do some research about fixing it. (He often helps me fix my car- or N3 N3's car.). You know just before I hit the street with my wheel and bumper I thought "Maybe you should take this driveway a little slower..." But of course it was too late.

Sooooo depressed tonight. I don’t remember how to hide triggers anymore but if I did, I would probably explode online. I see my pdoc tomorrow and my t Tues. I’ve been seeiNg her twice a week since I’ve been out of the hospital but I return to work Wed so I’ll have to go back to once per week. Not sure how that’s going to work. After sitting here for the last 3 hours stewing, part of me feels like I should be back in the hospital but I can’t afford to lose my job and need to make money.

Over the past day I have switched to an incredibly angry and paranoid state. I'm gonna try to refrain from posting unless I calm down.

Still around, just being quiet these days. Always lurking though . Hope everyone is doing well.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Nammu Last night was pretty much a wash. I read until early morning, then tossed and turned for for hours. I’d guess it was close to or after 5 am when I finally slept. Had more dreams of being in a bad spot episode wise. It seems like ever since I started thinking seriously of stopping my latuda that I’ve been having hospital dreams or dreams in which things are falling apart. Last night or rather this morning my dreams were of a drop in center. It was rather a cool drop in center for MI. It was in a previous store so it was this one enormous room that was portion off into different areas. One area was for playing video games, several for groups in a circle, one area with tables and snacks that looked a lot like what the Red Cross sets up. Are these dreams a premonition or just fears?

I have a strong feeling that they are fears, in the sense that your subconscious mind feels (or knows) you are threatened by inability to sleep and by the possible loss of the security of the Latuda. The combination is, after all, potentially dangerous to your mental well-being.

My heart goes out to you with regard to your inability to sleep, Nammu. I have so much empathy for you. Something I keep reminding myself of is that it is common for people with mental illness to have an inability to sleep during the night, but an easy time with daytime sleep. I have read studies about it, how the brain "switches" night and day. I am battling with the same miserable situation.

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Over the past day I have switched to an incredibly angry and paranoid state. I'm gonna try to refrain from posting unless I calm down.

We are an incredibly forgiving bunch. I, too, am battling both anger and paranoia these days.

@JaneRedux, you brought a smile to my face when I read of your return. Welcome back, Jane! I also enjoyed reading about your recent adventures. I'm sorry you're now growing a bit depressed, but that's of course momentary and does not remove that core light of yours.

My husband and I decided to stay in Czech Republic for now, but move closer to Prague. Moravia farewell, Bohemia we're coming home [Hubby is a native Bohemian.]

Quote:

Originally Posted by cashart10 Sooooo depressed tonight. I don’t remember how to hide triggers anymore but if I did, I would probably explode online. I see my pdoc tomorrow and my t Tues. I’ve been seeiNg her twice a week since I’ve been out of the hospital but I return to work Wed so I’ll have to go back to once per week. Not sure how that’s going to work. After sitting here for the last 3 hours stewing, part of me feels like I should be back in the hospital but I can’t afford to lose my job and need to make money.

Just to let you know...if you use Advanced Post (the big reply box) there's a big, red trigger button now. It's up ^^^ there, almost to the right corner, and looks like a big, red basketball. A lot easier than having to remember how to do the trigger type-out thing.

I'm so sorry you're depressed, cashart. I totally understand needing to be IP, but not being able to for an important reason.

I also see my therapist 2 times/week and it helps get me through. Is there any way in the world you can manage continuing to see her twice a week? I'm worried for you, because I know how rough things can become for you.

GREAT news @Aurelius710 ~ I hope tomorrow is 100% excellent

Quote:

Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Make snide comments that make me want to do all the drugs and watch my neighbor's dog.

Ah, I believe I get it.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Moose72 You guys. - I misjudged a driving maneuver and crunched my car! I went out to eat with two old friends and the way out of the parking lot was steeper than I thought and I heard a big "crunch"! I drove it down the street and pulled over into a Wendy's parking lot and had a look . The front bumper is cracked but underneath the car looked fine so I thought I'd lucked out. But, I drove down the road a little more and something didn't feel right so I pulled in next to this daycare center. Had a second look. My left front tire was bent! Well the wheel was and the tire looked a little low. So my mom's husband (my step dad) drove the 10 miles to where I was. Looked it over and decided that I could drive it home with him following me all the way. The speed limit was 45 or 50 and I was so nervous but I had to keep my wits about me so nothing WORSE happened! We made it to my place and he said he'd do some research about fixing it. (He often helps me fix my car- or N3 N3's car.). You know just before I hit the street with my wheel and bumper I thought "Maybe you should take this driveway a little slower..." But of course it was too late.

Ohhh, how aggravating! GRRR. I hope your step-dad can do the repair.