Bipolar check-in #69

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Originally Posted by Nammu I got good sleep last night. I took 10 mg ambien and fell asleep quickly and woke up 15 minutes before my alarm went off. Was able to easily get up and go to aqua fitness. Then I changed the bulb. Made a huge loop to pick up supplies at Walmart, a bubble envelope and litter among other things. Something else I’ve been procrastinating on because I didn’t feel up to it. Groceries and mailing my uncles book to him. All that on a good nights sleep! Aqua fitness added a Tuesday morning class to the line up, which means I’m back to 3 a week again. I was hoping the Friday instructor was just for the summer but she seems to be permanent. I no longer go on fri because it’s impossible to follow her. She’s in the deep end and hard to see let alone lip read. I’m not the only one that can’t follow her but I’m less willing to present it’s fine. So now I have swimming m-t-w and if Christine goes back to Thursday nights I could do that. But it’s hard to get myself out the door for the 6:30 pm class.

Isn't it amazing how much more productive and rewarding life can be after good sleep?

Yay for aqua fitness! What a terrific opportunity for physical and mental health.

@Sunflower123 and everyone else -- thanks for your words and support. My mother, who is on a fixed income, just couldn't stand the idea of me going without my medicines. She paid for the medicine for me. I really hate that. I really hate that it came to that but I am thankful she was willing to do that for me too. Mothers do those things, little sacrifices. I found it really touching . It's not without a little resentment at the way insurance does you though.

I should be able to be reimbursed once the PA goes through. Get this though, I didn't even get a full month's worth based on the new dosage. They were 10 pills short (equates around 3 days). Because it is a controlled substance they can't call around to see who has it in stock and it would be two days before they could get it. I just didn't want to fool with it anymore. I'll just ration on the weekends or days where I'm not needing so much focus to compensate this month. It'll be fine. I'm just glad I have my medicine. ALL my medicine.

GoGo2 it is expensive and unmanageable for us long term. But it was $75 on Friday and $130 today. Putting her to sleep is $130. We don't have that kind of money so we'll have to save up. It wasn't soupose to be as expensive they said around $20 the meds would be but when I got to the counter they said $130. My husband had already left so I couldn't talk it over so I just paid now we're broke for the month. Also I didn't want to make that kind of decision without trying everything and having everyone agree. I don't do well with conflict or around lots of people. So the quickest option was to pay and leave. H was so happy until he heard how much we paid and this isn't a guarantee .

*Beth* and sunflower thank you. It doesn't help I'm unstable.

I got about an hour and a half nap. Short nap, but long enough to dream.

I'm in a labyrinth of caves, frantically moving and hopelessly lost. No light anywhere but a mysterious torch light (I'm not holding anything.), and when I look close, the cave becomes unreal, like something you build for a play or a movie set. I never see it and I never hear it, but I "know" there's something in the dark, stalking me, draining me. I get slower and more exhausted the more I move until it finds me, just out of the light. I can't face it. I don't have the energy to face it, but I have to. When I move to turn around, I wake up.

Wandering around an artificial prison with no apparent exit and... something following me, draining my will to fight. That's... that's just great.

The last time I remembered dreams this vivid was when I was on Abilify before. If this is what I'll be dreaming, I'm not so sure I want messages from my subconscious!

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Originally Posted by Miguel'smom ... *Beth* and sunflower thank you. It doesn't help I'm unstable.

I know. Having a very sick pet is so damned painful and stressful and hard enough, add in battling mental illness and you know....I don't even have the words.

I took a nap. Everything looks more manageable now.

Today is the hottest day on record in this region.


My heart breaks for all the many, many people who don't have any a/c. I have lived in only one house in my life that had central a/c. The other places had either no a/c or a window unit, like I have now. That was hell enough and it was never as hot as it is this week.

I've cancelled appointments for today and tomorrow. I have missed 5 therapy sessions while I was sick and then just not up to going. I really want to have my session on Thursday, so I'm coming up with my "recall Israel" wet fabric wrapped on my face and body. There were no freezers in Israel, but here I can put the wet fabric in the freezer before I use it.


Here's the dopiest thing that I'm obsessing about (besides the eventual need to go to the grocery store). So my 40th high school reunion dinner is Saturday evening. I want to get my nails painted. The nail salon is no more than 2 miles from here. I'm going to give it a try tomorrow. Washing my car won't be too bad because the water is cool and the car wash place is right near my t's office. So that can be done on Thursday. At some point I have to get my tire air pressure checked and get gas, because I'll be driving 50 miles on Saturday.


Sorry, I've been doing a lot of thinking out loud on the keyboard today.

*breathe* It will all get done and I will survive. Universe, please cooperate.

Here's a daisy and look! It's not even wilted!
(When will we get a pumpkin, anyway?)

Feel bad for my 17 year old niece, her dad/my brother in-law died suddenly of a heart attack last week. He was only in his early 50's. So my sister is working on getting his remains back to the US so he can be buried. He was on a trip in Cambodia when he died.

Anyway, as for myself I'm doing okay. Haven't been back to volunteer since the last time I went when I had a panic attack during the shift. I talked to my therapist about it, she said I did a good job since I didn't bolt out the door when I started having the panic attack and stayed through the shift and got through it.

I signed up for a few days in the upcoming weeks. My next volunteer day is next Thursday. Wednesday is my final appointment with my psychiatrist of 6 years, she's leaving to work at the hospital. So I'm sad about that, she's been the best psych I've ever had. It's going to be really difficult to get used to someone new and be able to open up to someone new.

I have an issue where I impulse shop either when I'm not feeling great (depressed, anxious, etc) to make myself feel better and also when I'm feeling really good (hypomanic to manic)

I'm trying to reign that in, and it's not easy, not easy at all.

Here's pics of Miss Mustachio and Maybelle

I’ve had a good day. Having said that and despite resting fully and deeply, I’m not gaining much traction against this pneumonia. I see my doctor again tomorrow and if the hospital is mentioned again, I plan to acquiesce gracefully and willingly.

I read a post by one of the moderators where she talked of turning around her sinking ship. That post hit home for me.

I wish everyone a peaceful day tomorrow and if I’m MIA, I’ve decided to go for some R&R and a bit of TLC. Much love

@bluebird. You’re doing very well! Congratulations for going back to the volunteer center. As always I love seeing the two adorable cats.

Take care of you.

My mom picked me up late morning. We went through the car wash which is something I never do myself. It was fun. I felt like a little kid. Then we went to the pharmacy and got my next month of meds in blister packs. Then we went to the grocery store so I could get toothpaste and milk and a couple other things. Then she dropped me off at home. I finished the Seinfeld series which had a very strange ending. Then N3 and his gf and I went out to dinner. He owes me for their portion but I know he will give me the money. I washed my hair today- it really needed it. I also walked to Starbucks this morning- so I got some exercise in. I found out that they open at 4:30 now. It used to be 6. So if I have a sleepless night I can go there and probably be the only customer for at least a couple hours.

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Originally Posted by Moose72 My mom picked me up late morning. We went through the car wash which is something I never do myself. It was fun. I felt like a little kid. Then we went to the pharmacy and got my next month of meds in blister packs. Then we went to the grocery store so I could get toothpaste and milk and a couple other things. Then she dropped me off at home. I finished the Seinfeld series which had a very strange ending. Then N3 and his gf and I went out to dinner. He owes me for their portion but I know he will give me the money. I washed my hair today- it really needed it. I also walked to Starbucks this morning- so I got some exercise in. I found out that they open at 4:30 now. It used to be 6. So if I have a sleepless night I can go there and probably be the only customer for at least a couple hours.

Going through the car wash is fun. Although I knew a couple, elderly couple, when I was a teen and they had a new Cadillac. They drove it through the car wash and it went off the track and got smashed up. Fortunately, they weren't hurt. But they got a fat settlement from the owner of the car wash. So I always feel a tiny bit apprehensive when I go through a car wash.

OMG! That song "Car Wash" was huge when I was in high school.

Now I'm all about car washes, haha.

This town used to have an all-night S-bucks.


When I worked in the cafe I always worked the late-night shift. I worked alone. It was a fascinating shift, the people were so interesting.

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Originally Posted by Blue_Bird Feel bad for my 17 year old niece, her dad/my brother in-law died suddenly of a heart attack last week. He was only in his early 50's. So my sister is working on getting his remains back to the US so he can be buried. He was on a trip in Cambodia when he died. Anyway, as for myself I'm doing okay. Haven't been back to volunteer since the last time I went when I had a panic attack during the shift. I talked to my therapist about it, she said I did a good job since I didn't bolt out the door when I started having the panic attack and stayed through the shift and got through it. I signed up for a few days in the upcoming weeks. My next volunteer day is next Thursday. Wednesday is my final appointment with my psychiatrist of 6 years, she's leaving to work at the hospital. So I'm sad about that, she's been the best psych I've ever had. It's going to be really difficult to get used to someone new and be able to open up to someone new. I have an issue where I impulse shop either when I'm not feeling great (depressed, anxious, etc) to make myself feel better and also when I'm feeling really good (hypomanic to manic) I'm trying to reign that in, and it's not easy, not easy at all. Here's pics of Miss Mustachio and Maybelle

The kits are so CUTE! They always make me smile, there's something amusing about both of them. What wonderful little beings to share your home with.


It's very good to see you, Birdie. I'm glad you've checked in. Your T is correct imo - you did great by not bolting.

It's rough to lose a long-term psychiatrist. I'm sorry you're having to go through that. A couple of years ago my pdoc of almost 4 years left very suddenly. It's hard. I still miss her at times. Do you already have a new one lined up?


I am terribly sorry about your brother-in-law. What a horrible thing to have happen to your family, and especially to your niece. Yikes. 17 is so young to lose her dad. Life can be just so weird sometimes.

Check in when you can.

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Originally Posted by Sunflower123 I’ve had a good day. Having said that and despite resting fully and deeply, I’m not gaining much traction against this pneumonia. I see my doctor again tomorrow and if the hospital is mentioned again, I plan to acquiesce gracefully and willingly. I read a post by one of the moderators where she talked of turning around her sinking ship. That post hit home for me. I wish everyone a peaceful day tomorrow and if I’m MIA, I’ve decided to go for some R&R and a bit of TLC. Much love

Oh, wow...you still have the pneumonia? I agree with you. There would be no harm in getting some care in the hospital for a couple of days or so.

Please take very good care of yourself, Sunflower. Of course, I would like to know how your appointment goes tomorrow, but if you need some time I totally understand. You will be in my thoughts and loving prayers, no matter what. Much love to you, too

Ah, well. I had big plans for braving the heat and getting my nails done tomorrow and the grocery store and the car wash and, and, and. Then I walked outside to get my mail and immediately realized that I'm not going anywhere tomorrow. Pfffft...by the time I was walking back to my apartment from the mailbox I was thinking But I have to go to the store! I have to buy Noah Capri Sun for his lunch!

Okay, whoa. Noah drank Capri Sun when he was in third grade. He's 33 years old now. I was so hot I was falling asleep and starting to dream as I was walking. (No nails, no car wash and if the temperature doesn't drop a minimum 10 degrees by Saturday, no reunion dinner.)

My big goal right now is to make it to my therapy session on Thursday. I will get all wet before I leave.

And on that note...love all around~

My husband has an appointment now downtown. I couldn't stand waiting for him inside because it was way too hot in there (no AC as usual). It's nice outside in the shade. I would have preferred staying home, but he wants my company all of time.

Yesterday I discovered a second wrinkle between my eyebrows. Only my second wrinkle. Hubby and I agreed that my recent weight loss may be the culprit. Wouldn't have happened when I was younger! What a bummer. You do something good for your health and that's a reward?

Oh, this is not an evil laughter, but a recognizable one (for me) and a human one. I remember how it felt when I had my first wrinkles. Now, some years afterward, I live well with my wrinkles. They have become some sort of a validation of lived and experienced life.

Have a continued good afternoon!

This has so far been a good day as well. I woke up early in sunshine and went to my home church for doing volunteer work for hours (we alternate in doing that). The sun was still shining when the job was done. So I bought a spring-roll, ate it and then bought an ice cream. Sat outside in the sun and enjoyed it for a while. Afreward I went inside and made dinner. For now I am relaxing with Netflix. After that I will study for some time and after that probably go to sleep for the night. We'll see. The evening is still young ...

I wish all of the participants here a hopefully good day!

I again took 10 mg and slept pretty good, though I did wake up a lot. Wasn’t ready when the alarm went off. But despite low, low energy I went to aqua fitness and the instructor was like minded, we had a low energy work out. Do feel a bit more human now.

Feel a bit more human after sleeping good outside and a cup of some really strong coffee. I think tonight I'm going to try sleeping inside, but take my mattress and put it on the floor. Might be a little more comfortable and more restful sleep, might be too familiar to sleeping on my bed and get more sh**ty sleep. Worth a shot because I am not sleeping outside in -40F windchills when February comes (if it even gets that cold this year, after this summer I highly doubt we'll have a typical winter). I'm going to try living with my friend in Maine. It's closer to here than my dad's so I'll try and work out a partial living with my mom and partial living with her so I don't have to switch treatment teams every time I get sick of staying somewhere. I actually kinda like my new pdoc and it'd suck to lose the second decent outpatient med provider I've had in the past 11 years (as long as she doesn't turn into a total beyotch later on).

I've changed my mindset on substances and I think this way of thinking is going to really help. It's very "one day at a time"-ish. Instead of saying "never gonna do anything again," it's "I really want to use right now, but I'll wait until tomorrow" (if I want to use, if the thought of drugs/alcohol doesn't pop into my head I won't make myself think of it).

I feel like I can focus for once. I don't know if it's the music I've been listening to, the coffee, the sleep, a combo of those, or something else, but I may actually read a chapter of the book I've been trying to get through since January (which is a shame because I already forgot half of what I've read so far...and it's a super interesting book!)

Free, organic, homegrown hugs to anyone who wants them!!!!

I'm not feeling great today. I don't really know what is wrong with me. I feel bored and tired of all the stuff I normally do. I'm also physically tired-- I didn't sleep well last night. I did get around 5-6 hours, but I don't think it was very restful. I was supposed to help my dad fill out some paperwork today but he cancelled on me. Just as well though, I didn't really wanna deal with it myself. I'm thinking a lot about that job I applied for as a transcriptionist. I really hope I get selected for it. Also playing the waiting game on disability as well. I always seem to be stuck in a place where all I can do is wait. I hate that.

The weather is nice out, I may go for a walk in a little bit. It'll do me good to get out of the house for a while. This week has seemingly been the longest I've had in a while. I'm not rushing it along (I have no reason to) but it just seems so slow haha.

Nothing to really report, just wanted to check in. Take care.

BRAVO!

Last night I decided not to attend the high school reunion dinner. This heat is preventing me from being properly prepared to go. Sleep last night was so difficult because my bedroom never cooled down. Such hot temperatures will be too hard on me and on my elderly car; the last thing I want to do is break down on the highway in extreme heat, wearing dressy/warm dinner clothes. Not my idea of fun.

I had asked my friend who arranged the dinner to make it for October. She didn't want to do that, begged me to come, yet she knows I have a hard time with hot weather. The original venue was a lovely, well-established restaurant that would have been an easy drive for me (and for others, as well). Then my friend changed the location to a different part of the city, one with heavy traffic and much harder for me to get to.

When I made the decision I felt a burden off my shoulders. Really, my priority this week is to make it to my therapy session tomorrow, since I've missed so many sessions lately. And my hope is that after my session I'll be able to go to the grocery store.

Supposedly, next week's weather will be somewhat more bearable than the current inferno is.

~*~***~~**~*~**~*~*~~**~***~~*~**~*~~***~

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Originally Posted by MuddyBoots Feel a bit more human after sleeping good outside and a cup of some really strong coffee. I think tonight I'm going to try sleeping inside, but take my mattress and put it on the floor. Might be a little more comfortable and more restful sleep, might be too familiar to sleeping on my bed and get more sh**ty sleep. Worth a shot because I am not sleeping outside in -40F windchills when February comes (if it even gets that cold this year, after this summer I highly doubt we'll have a typical winter). I'm going to try living with my friend in Maine. It's closer to here than my dad's so I'll try and work out a partial living with my mom and partial living with her so I don't have to switch treatment teams every time I get sick of staying somewhere. I actually kinda like my new pdoc and it'd suck to lose the second decent outpatient med provider I've had in the past 11 years (as long as she doesn't turn into a total beyotch later on). I've changed my mindset on substances and I think this way of thinking is going to really help. It's very "one day at a time"-ish. Instead of saying "never gonna do anything again," it's "I really want to use right now, but I'll wait until tomorrow" (if I want to use, if the thought of drugs/alcohol doesn't pop into my head I won't make myself think of it). I feel like I can focus for once. I don't know if it's the music I've been listening to, the coffee, the sleep, a combo of those, or something else, but I may actually read a chapter of the book I've been trying to get through since January (which is a shame because I already forgot half of what I've read so far...and it's a super interesting book!) Free, organic, homegrown hugs to anyone who wants them!!!!

I love your post. I agree with your insight into "one day at a time" -ish. Wisdom, right there.

Sleeping outside is such a great idea! If I had a place to do that, I would. Once upon a time I had a tent in my backyard and would sleep out there. I'd forgotten about that.

Maine...sounds divine...