Bipolar check-in #69

My daughter asked me unexpectedly to meet her halfway this weekend. We’re about to go on vacation together so I’m surprised. I sincerely hope she just misses me and there is no news to impart. Don’t get me wrong - I’d be ecstatic for her. I just think she is a bit young. I don’t want her to take my path…moved out at 17…married at 20…working 3 jobs to put me and ex husband through college. She’s mature for her age but she’s too serious and responsible if there can be such a thing. I want her to stop and smell the roses. Have some fun.

I hope everybody has a peaceful day. Much love.

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Originally Posted by otroo I have changed a lot this last year after my wife passed away. I am more open and honest then I have ever been. When I went to my pdoc the other day I told him to hold on and off I went I sounded like I was manic but I told him if I did not say it fast I might forget something lol. I went to a buddies last night and he was one of my friends that called me the other day when I was depressed. Him and I sat out in the backyard talking for about 4 hours and we both got out a lot of crap for both of us. It is really nice that I am now able to open up to others but it is still hard to do. Sent from my SM-S901U using Tapatalk

I am genuinely so happy for you, otroo. You're a good, decent man and you deserve all the peace you can get.

Thank you I appreciate it.

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Things are really bad for me right now due to my grieving over my brother. Today I cried and felt my mania kicking in. I can't sleep and have been staying awake for the last few days. Today I'm gonna relax and try to take it easy. My mind feels so tired right now.

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Originally Posted by Amethyst_Stargazer Things are really bad for me right now due to my grieving over my brother. Today I cried and felt my mania kicking in. I can't sleep and have been staying awake for the last few days. Today I'm gonna relax and try to take it easy. My mind feels so tired right now.

Hi Amethyst. I may have missed something about your brother. It sounds like there is tremendous pain involved for you.

You must be exhausted. Please know we're here for you.

I’m so sorry for what you and your family are going through Soupe, prayers for you and your family , will keep you in my thoughts

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Sorry I may have missed several posts the past couple days , I’ve just been distracted by anxiety but good thoughts to everyone here

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I went to my dentist appointment today, checked in with reception and then sat in the waiting room for an hour then they told me they were sorry but they had to suddenly reschedule me because right then my dentist had an emergency they had to deal with, so I walked home without an appointment and will reschedule with them next week, their system is acting up so they said to call next week to reschedule since they have IT working on their computers now and can't schedule appointments today.

I found a shower caddy on my way home at the store, which I really needed because there are no shelfs in my shower for anything so all my soaps and shampoo etc has to sit ont he floor of my shower. Now I have a caddy that hangs up in there so that makes it a lot nicer. I also bought a new journal since I have been journaling since I was 14 (I'm 28 now) I started during my first month long psychiatric hospital stay when I was 14, and it really helped me so I stuck with it all these years

Exited to see Halloween Ends in theater when it comes out next weekend. (the Michael Myers horror movies w/ Jaime Lee Curtis, big fan of those movies)

I scheduled my flu shot and 4th covid booster for this Saturday, getting them both at the same place at the same time. Figured itd be good to just get them done at once and over with

The sun came out!!! It’s been six days! It got cloudy last Friday and then poured for four days straight. Yesterday it was still showers and just that nasty mist. It was all the rain we needed over the summer. And it was cold to boot. Today was sunny and 73. Perfect! Tomorrow will be the same. Saturday it will drop back down to average fall temps for NJ, low 60s. I have to get all my fall clothes out and see what still fits. I gained so much weight over the summer that I had to buy all new pants. I don’t think I’ll have to buy all new shirts, maybe just a few. Shirts are stretchier than jeans!

In any case I think I’m losing a little bit of weight anyway. We’ve been going to the gym 3-4 times a week for about a month now and besides that my job keeps me very active. Speaking of jobs I quit my second one on Wednesday. My last shift will be Saturday. I’m just not thinking clearly enough to be able to handle money. Plus I can’t remember where anything is and I don’t know where to put anything when I’m supposed to be stocking. AND I’ve heard through the grapevine that we are going to be open on thanksgiving and I guarantee I’ll be the one working! No way.

I know I’m not supposed to do this but I’ve cut the haldol in half. I’m too worried about taking it for much longer. I will watch for recurrence of paranoia and take more if necessary. But I think I’ll be ok for a little while if I can keep my anxiety down. I’m experiencing a lot of anxiety lately though. Generalized. Like I see my son falling down the basement steps or RS crashing his jeep. Just a lot of “worry thoughts” as my therapist puts it. That was happening before the haldol decrease though. I think I’m going to call my new pdoc’s office and see if I can get in sooner as a matter of urgency. Thing is I don’t even know the number! It was silly of me not to write it down with a clear label.

I hope tomorrow is another good day in class so I can end the week on a high note!

@Soupe du jour I'm so sorry about your brother. You and your family are in my thoughts.

It's hard for me to get over being paranoid about being undermined in my job... when I'm actually being undermined in my job. I had a new rep from the competition come by the store, presumably for a one-off. She's nice, personable and a bit self-deprecating. However, I caught her on two separate occasions trying to sell customers on her phone service AFTER I had all but completed the sale. Since my company doesn't allow me use of Walmart registers, I have to rely on her (among others) to complete the sale, and she took full advantage of her captive audience to make her pitch and potentially undo any sales I make.

I didn't show it, but I was incensed by what she was doing. However, I don't really want to press the issue much more than I did (a "heart to heart" once I calmed down) as she's basically filling in for a day as far as I understand. Out of sight, out of mind, right?

My Primary Doc got back to me on the nerve pain. He prescribed me tramadol which I have mixed feelings about. On the one hand, if it keeps the pain at bay when I lay down, I'll be thrilled. On the other hand, I'm leery of opiates as I've seen how they've affected friends and family.


I think a movie this weekend is in order! Question is: What movie?

S is taking the day off tomorrow. We’re headed out of town and will be home late. I’m going to meet M Saturday as I’ve stated and I’ll be gone until late. Sunday, S & I are hanging out with friends and will be gone most of the day. If I don’t get the chance, I hope everyone has a peaceful Friday and a lovely weekend. Much love.

@Soupe du jour I'm so sorry you and your family are in my thoughts.

I am sorry soup,
just catching up here. by now you have had more news. I send good soothing thoughts your way and I hope this draws you closer to him and him to you.
If that makes any sense.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

Soupe …. My heart just breaks for you and your family. Be kind to yourself

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That is just really lousy about the dental appointment @Blue_Bird! How frustrating. I'm glad you found a good shower caddy, though. My shower has just a narrow shelf to set a few things on, but it's very small, so I have a shower caddy. It helps a lot.

Ugh, I'm so sorry about the worry thoughts @wildflowerchild25. When I have those terrible types of thoughts/images it can make me cry. I feel bad for you. Who am I to tell you, but I support your decision to chop the Haldol.

Hey, you had a good run with the 2nd job. Good for you. If I could I'd send you a U-Haul truck full of sunshine, because we have it in abundance...still.

Yeeahhh...I hear you on the opiate thing, @Aurelius710 But a movie, yes!

Let's see. This evening I made a Halloween wreath to hang on my door. It is made from all sorts of crookedy sticks and purple lights that blink and race, lots of them. And fat spiders are stuck on many of the lights so the spiders look lit-up purple. Then I strung some cob-webby stuff on the sticks and in the center. Some of the cob-web stuff I pulled away so it hangs down and floats around. Then I hung a few smaller plastic spiders on the hanging cob-web. A lot of movement. Hung it on the front door.

Tomorrow I'm going to hang plastic marigolds on my door around the wreath for Dia de los Muertos. Then, I have a lonnnggg strand of light up purple spiders to hang up somewhere. I'm thinking I'll string them inside, draped here and there. Then I can enjoy them and at night, in the evening I leave the curtain on one of my windows part-way open. So the purple spider lights will reflect out the window to complement the wreath on the door.

I am very pleased with my decorations.

There are a couple of people I'd like to bite with my vampire teeth, but I wouldn't care for the taste of their bitter flesh

Today I was working online with our book business. We've been doing that business for 14 years this month. All of a sudden I had a thought about all the pets and people I've lost and all I will lose. I cried. It hurt like howling hell. Sooner or later there will no one at all who even tries to understand me, no one who even cares. It will all be over and the fight will be lost. This Tiger, in blazes.

I hate such thoughts.

( @bizi you are also a Tiger!)

Today I ran the a/c with the windows partly open. Doing that makes the perfect temperature. A fake 72 degrees. Pathetic.

Oh love, sweet love.

Today we scattered my father's ashes. He died 3.5 years ago but it's taken a lot of coaxing to get my brother here with appropriate weather. So I was thrilled my brother actually came (I wasn't doing it without him).


It was weird to see all that remained of a terrifying man was a 10 lb bag of ashes. We released the ashes into a creek where we used to have picnics many years ago. Some of the few good memories. He had left a letter with his final wishes and asked to have the ashes scattered in a river near where he lived but that's 9 hours from here and we decided there was more sentimentality in this creek anyway.

I just can't believe it is over. I no longer have that part of him; he's truly gone. I know he's been gone since the minute he died but I think I feel like he's completely at peace now. I don't know.

And now I have another reason that I'm having a hard time falling asleep.

What a weird day.

I wish you peace and a restful mind right now, @BeyondtheRainbow.

I really have appreciated the support here, during this hard time for my family. Again, thank you so much! Last night my sister said that stage 4 pancreatic cancer was confirmed to my brother. He has a couple additional tests, but the oncologist said they would start chemo in a couple of weeks. In the meantime, he is having a surgery to again address his Afib issues with his heart. My poor brother is just inundated with severe health issues! When I saw him over WhatsApp he was so ill-looking it was heart-breaking. Sadly, that sort of prepared me to hear the news above. He tells my sister and me he plans to fight this, but also accepts the possibility that he may lose the battle. Alex Trebec of Jeopardy also dealt with this horrible cancer. As this forum is focused on bipolar disorder, I will now limit my future posts about my brother's condition. This is my family's challenge. There's obviously a chance this will affect my moods. I hope to focus on coping tools from this point on, and to supporting others here, as well. Hugs to all.

@BeyondtheRainbow, I'm glad your family finally got together to spread your dad's ashes. I know the relief, as my dad kept my mother's urn in his bedroom closet (seemed disrespectful) for some years before we finally did what your family did. It was a relief when we did. A good means of closure.

Hubby is going into Prague today through tomorrow, so I'll have the house to myself. The main event there is his elementary school reunion. Yes, elementary school. I had never even heard of such a thing before him, and apparently it's not uncommon here. I only had high school or college ones. I barely even remember the names of a few kids I went to elementary school with. Hubby's been going to these reunions throughout his life, when able to participate. I think it will do Hubby good to see some friends.

This morning at breakfast, I did something that was a little loving tease directed at my husband. He obviously liked it. Then it came to my mind that that's a type of thing my brother would likely do, and my last dear parrot. It brought a smile to both of our faces.

@Soupe du jour my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family as your brother gears up to fight. We are here to support you.

October is gearing up to be a great month with many positive, joyful and fun things occurring. S & I have a fun day trip planned today in a very large city - I wish I could say to where. In the past I would have said. I’m not comfortable doing that at this time. I will say we are going to head to the art museum first after breakfast which will be pancakes with white chocolate chips and fresh raspberries. I don’t eat that way often but when I do I thoroughly enjoy it. No matter where I’ve traveled, even in Russia, the first stop is always the art museums. Palaces are nice but it’s the art museums I go for.

We love the ADT package we got. The security cameras with two way speaking capability that you can view through your cell phone are incredible. It only starts recording when motion is detected and it notifies your cell phone. You can view it from hundreds of miles away even. Since ADT was out here for hours and it was obvious to the neighbors that they were installing cameras and the police came out for the latest car break in - we’ve had a pause in activity. Yay!

I hope everyone has a peaceful Friday. Much love

Sunflower, I'm so glad to read that you got the ADT set up. We were/are concerned about your safety. Home is supposed to be a safe haven.

Have a great time wherever you are headed. The pancakes sound so delish! I love that kind of thing, too. I'm glad to read something positive. Made me smile.

If you’re genuinely only not eating much because you’re not hungry - then just force yourself to eat more. Yeah it will be uncomfortable for a little while but it will work. You will get more of an appetite eventually from your body expecting more food.

If it’s an eating disorder thing though then yeah, it’s something you need to work on with your therapist.

@Soupe du jour.